“The Bachelor” Season Premiere – They’re all DORKS!

January 7, 2014

Whaddup, bonitas senoritas y hombres de feo!

I watched THE BACHELOR.

DIOS MIO!!!!

For shame, I know, but I did. Honestly, there wasn’t much else on television to substitute for the lazy lothario Juan Pablo and his gaggle of giggly (desperate) gals. Also, I am a dedicated ABC local news, ABC World News, and Jeopardy watcher, which more often than not turns me into a reluctant Wheel of Fortune watcher and, sometimes, turns me into a first 15 minutes of Marvel’s Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. watcher until I’m like WHERE BE THE DOTH DAMN REMOTE ALREADY?!

Last night, there was no shitty ripoff of Heroes on after Wheel of Fortune. Instead, there was this guy…

And, you would never guess it by looking at him, but he’s slightly Spanish.

Are you enchiladas dripping from just the thought of his burrito?! AM I DERECHO?!?!?!?!

Anyway, I speak just as good Spanish as Juan Pablo up here, but I don’t have the balls or the particular type of insanity that he has to try and work it in every 2 minutes or so with an accent that comes and goes to try and get the ladies. So, that’s the only thing that really separates me and Juan…

OH RIGHT?! He’s got pink pants… right below his defined abs and that other muscle thing that is like a vector arrow pointing to that burrito of his I was talking about.

So, that’s the Bachelor. The guy up there without the shirt on. He’s 31, he used to play professional soccer at some level – there’s like a million professional soccer leagues, so who the fuck knows and I don’t care to look it up and you don’t care either because you’re too busy staring at his belly button, he’s got a daughter who is like 4 or something from a relationship that only lasted two years, and he’s a music agent or something now, which means he’s just been living on his looks since soccer ended until he found his way onto ABC’s The Bachelor, which really is an American dream kind of story.

Also, they list a place in Venezuela as his hometown, but let’s be serious… the dude was born in upstate New York, moved to Venezuela for years, but then moved back to New York for college or for soccer or for something and really this whole Venezuela thing is to get the ladies as I mentioned earlier. Whatever, I’m not mad about it. The game is the game.

What happened last night on the TWO HOUR season premiere?

Some really pretty ladies and Juan Pablo acted like fucking DORKS.

All these attractive and seemingly eligible chicas dressed in their finest Quinceanera dresses and set about making asses of themselves all to endear themselves to the single borro/jackass Juan Pablo on America’s greatest absurd speed dating/judge a book by its cover dating/reality show.

TWENTY SEVEN, 27, women ranging from around Juan Pablo’s age to barely legal looked like absolute dorks for Juan Pablo last night. I keep saying DORKS because that’s what women are, they’re dorks. When ladies try to be cute or quirky, but lack the conviction for it, they turn into a tone deaf goof, which is a dork. It’s not the worst thing because when guys try to be cute and quirky, but lack the conviction for it they just come across as idiots or assholes. So, pick your poison on that.

I’d take a big wild guess that these women don’t really come up with the comedy gags that they’re forced to do and instead have them written for them to do by some lowly reality TV writer from The Bachelor and then you throw in how nervous these chicks are and it is just a cluster fuck trainwreck mess. Like…

Lauren S. who struggled riding a bicycle in a prom dress that had a fucking piano attached to the front of it in and then stopping a few feet from the man she’s possibly going to emotionally torture herself over for the next few weeks in hopes of landing him for the rest of his life and seemingly being the step-mother to his adorable daughter and then play some piano song for him… sadly not “The Entertainer”, which we all know is the greatest piece of pianist-istory.

So, of course, she looked like a total fucking dork doing this. And, of course, she fucked up a couple times because who the fuck wouldn’t. And then Juan Pablo looks like a damn moron standing there trying to pretend that this is impressive and not just wildly stupid and when she misses a note, he can’t control himself from doing that “yeesh” face/noise.

Rest assured, each and every chick who walks up to Juan Pablo as they met him standing outside the house either came across as a DORK or a potential PSYCHO. The former is Lauren S. or that chick who kicked the soccer ball to him or Kelly who brought a dog with her like LOVE ME BECAUSE YOU GET THE DOG TOO; also, Kelly’s profession was “dog lover” – hey bitch, we’re all dog lovers and none of us are getting paid to do it. I need to start getting paid for loving dogs because I fucking love dogs. I got dog right next to me right now as I type this.

THE LATTER, the PSYCHOS, were lead by massage therapist/bangs-aficionado¬† Amy J., whisper talker Ashley, and Queen crazy herself Lauren “Pursed-lips to perfection” H. WOOOOOO!!!!!

The three mentioned did not make the final cut during the rose ceremony for good reason. For Lauren H. here, it’s a lot more advantageous for her to seek psychiatric help first before she takes her narrow lips and huge tits out on the town to saddle a new man. I’m not exactly sure what the timetable was for this show on the casting, auditioning, green light you’re on the show process was, but this chick said that she was set to marry a dude who left her right before their wedding and then a few months later she’s on The Bachelor. So, she’s the mayor of Crazytown or “The Butterfly” of Crazytown or something.

Was she engaged to be married when she tried out for this show?

During the video intros for Lauren H., they show her staring in deep angry thought at her wedding dress over and over again. Yeah, is she in the right mental frame of mind to be on this show right now? How about give her a year? Either way, The Bachelor fans didn’t have to worry too long about whether Juan Pablo was going to accidentally choose Lauren H. and her scowl for future episodes as she had the expected emotional breakdown moments into meeting Juan Pablo and is visibly just bawling while assuring Juan Pablo she’s ready to be his kid’s step-mother. Oh yeah! That’s great! I always wanted an emotionally unstable woman as kid’s step-mother! WOOOO!!! Hey, ABC, I found my lady already!

Nine chicks got got and I’m not too broken up about any of them. There was crazy Kylie who thought Juan Pablo called her name when he clearly called for this other less crazy chick Kat to get her rose. Also, I don’t know about Kylie. She’s got dyed red hair and was wearing a pink prom dress. You scream that you have a lot of growing up left to do, especially to a guy whose got a daughter who probably would choose that same dress to wear given the opportunity.

What about the ladies who made it to the next episode?! The one’s who survived the chopping block?!

Well…

… there’s Sharleen, the opera singer, who Juan Pablo was TOTES INTO while Sharleen was TOTES INDIFFERENT to Juan Pablo.

Do you know what’s more awkward than Juan Pablo’s right hand to her left shoulder placement captured in the above picture? THIS WHOLE FUCKING SCENE. This is when Juan Pablo pulled Sharleen aside for her coveted one-on-one time with JP-izzle and he discovered he was madly in love with Sharleen and it’s also where Sharleen realized that she’s just not into him. It was a classic moment of either one of two things…

1. Chicks being chicks. Isn’t it almost always the case that the girl stops liking the guy when he starts chasing after her and showing interest? JP lays it down for Sharleen that he’s into her by handing her a rose and she couldn’t have acted any less into it.

2. Imagination is greater than reality. This is kind of what she said was the problem. She’s pined away at a picture of a guy for however long and then cut to seeing him in the flesh and hearing his barely noticeable accent and listening to him query such thought provoking questions “But why do you live in Germany?” and guess what – he doesn’t live up to the hype!

Sharleen was the first to get a rose and the first to be *shrugs* about it, so that’s a great start for the show.

Who else?

There’s Andi who simply too hot to be a district attorney in Atlanta, Georgia… or that’s EXACTLY WHAT SHE TOLD US. I mean I probably wouldn’t have thought anything outside of yeah that district attorney is hot or attractive or a lady with lady parts, but to be so hot that people are questioning whether or not you’re capable of doing some form of gainful employment… well, you’d have to be pretty fucking hot or you’d have to be a huge sexist to think that hot chicks don’t have jobs like being a lawyer. Seriously? Have you walked around in this world? There are hot chicks everywhere doing everything. Get off your fucking high horse, Andi. Seems like the sexist in this story is you!

There was tits!… errrr…. Elise. Yeah, there was Elise and her boobs. She’s a first grade teacher and wet nurse for the state of Oklahoma. I could have made the second part up. I don’t know anymore!

There was Lucy. First, she’s not Juan Pablo’s daughter. If you were thinking that she was then you’re not too far off. I mean she’s got to have maybe two years on JP’s daughter, right? How old could Lucy be? 14? She’s whatever age Ariana Grande is pretending to be. That’s my guess. Whaaaa… ABC says she’s 24 and her job is “free spirit”. Uhhhh, no. She’s in 8th grade and she’s unemployed because she would need one of those letters that is signed by the parent and the principal of the school or whatever to get a job at her young age.

At one point, Danielle turned to me and said, “I don’t think Lucy is wearing any make-up” and I responded “She’s wearing the make-up of youth! She doesn’t need make-up.” Anyway, she’s young and acts even younger and JP is going to try and put his little JP inside of her.

There were a bunch more chicks like one named Valerie and one named Clare who looks whiter than Juan Pablo, but says she’s part Mexican and another named Lacy I think. ANYWAY… I want to mention one other chick before closing because she kind of summed up what I think about a lot of these ladies or at least the ones that are not confrontationally crazy and she was the first girl we met at the same time…

Chelsie. She’s got this Kristen Bell, Kristin Chenoweth thing going on and she’s 24 and she’s a “science educator” and she lives in Columbus, Ohio.

If Chelsie’s gameplan is to win the hearts and minds of Bachelor fans so she can become the Bachelorette and/or show-up on Bachelor Pad and so on to become a TV star of her own then bully for this blonde. BUT! If her real deal is that she’s this precocious cutie pie who just hasn’t found the right man and needs to settle down… FIRST! You’re twenty-FUCKING-four. SECOND! You live in COLUMBUS, OHIO! Get the fuck out of Columbus, Ohio! Nothing against Columbus… well… scratch that… I’ve been to Columbus and it’s not where I’d send a bright eyed and bushy tailed young lass to go find the man of her dreams. Seriously, there’s an issue with homeless gypsy pick-pocketers in Columbus coupled with a male population of slow-wits.

Just leave town for like 72 hours and go anywhere else and you’ll probably find a guy or at least get a foothold toward the search of a guy instead of hanging around Columbus hoping for some beat reporter from The Plain Dealer to get divorced or shacking up with a lost drunk senior from The Ohio State University.

You don’t need to rest your vagina’s hopes and dreams on a dude from Columbus or a reality TV show. That’s really all the words of wisdom I have for all you ladies out there.

Well… that’s my take on the season premiere.

Maybe I’ll keep watching. And if I do, I’ll keep writing about it.

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