January 14, 2014


So, I watched episode 2 of THE BACHELOR and here are my thoughts…


The lesson from last night’s episode was loud and fucking clear…


Is the dog on the ground dead? Someone should seriously check if that dog died of shame by being associated with this charity and/or TV show.

I’m going to dive right into the group date segment from last night’s episode to spotlight how FUCKING CREEPY that date was and how fucking creepy that charity Models n Mutts came off as last night.

Actually, before we get into how I wouldn’t suggest giving money to the Models n Mutts charity because they’ll probably spend all your money on pseudo-porno photo shoots instead of the dogs, you should donate money to no kill animal shelters and one in particular is which my Mom volunteers at and is where Danielle and I adopted Coco. I can tell you that it is a great animal shelter and it is not involved with naked calendar shoots where they may or may not force girls to strip naked for those photo shoots while a creepy Asian man with a blue beard laughs at them.

DONATE TO … anyway…

Juan Pablo’s group date, which was the third date shown on last night’s episode took them to some photo shoot for the MODELS n MUTTS charity where they take sexy photos of hot chicks with dogs that are in no kill shelters to either raise money or get the dogs adopted.


I keep digressing, but the slutty girl on top of Juan Pablo had a nervous breakdown brought on buy booze (probably pills) and left the show and the girl kissing Juan Pablo got kicked off because she’s black and this show is fucking RACIST. Anyway…

How fucked up is that charity?

First things first, what kind of PERVERT goes to a particular website to adopt a dog because there are nude chicks in the photos with the dog? THAT’S FUCKING GROSS.

I want to throw up 100x thinking about the person who adopts a dog because it was in a “sexy” photo with a dog. AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! It’s so weird and is actually promoting bestiality. WHY WOULD I GIVE MONEY TO THAT “CHARITY”?! WHY WOULD DISNEY THINK THAT PROMOTING BESTIALITY WOULD BE APPROP… oh wait… Disney would be PERFECT to promote bestiality because ALMOST ALL OF THEIR MOVIES ARE FUCKING BESTIALITY! OH LOOK HOW HOT NALA IS IN THE LION KING? Oh yeah, you can see she has some sexy eyes nowadays Simba. Why don’t we sit here with our kids and watch you go lion fuck her.

Uhhhh… BEAUTY AND THE BEAST is all about bestiality. That movie is the fucking Holy Grail of bestiality movies.

Anyway… ok… so maybe it makes sense that Disney liked this charity.

The only thing I can imagine is the same creeps who buy a chicks used underwear from a photo shoot are the same creeps that adopt dogs from Models n Mutts.

Besides the overall creepiness and wrongness of the charity itself… two other terrible and wrong things happened…


Besides them covering up Chelsie’s wonderful boobs, they also dressed this other chick (who? I don’t even remember) to look like a fucking diseased alien.

Some people are claiming this was racist because she’s in “blackface”. Ummmm… whoever thinks this was racist IS A FUCKING IDIOT! It would be racist if they took the one black chick and gave her a black dog and said, “Don’t need to do anything here because your black skin matches perfectly.” THAT WOULD’VE BEEN RACIST.

It’s not racist what they did to that girl up there, it’s just fucking weird. It’s weird and she looks fucking really weird. She doesn’t even look like that dog. She looks like she’s a crazy person. She also will give simple minded Juan Pablo nightmares for years to come about how fucking weird she looked. Why was it necessary to put her in a bald cap too? One girl dressed as a fire hydrant and she didn’t need to be painted red or wear a bald cap. They just made this girl looking like a fucking idiot.


This looks like a cute moment, but Andi is sitting in this hallway because she’s freaking out about being FORCED to pose NAKED for this photoshoot and Juan Pablo is reassuring her it is ok because he will also be naked.

The girls were given dogs and with the dogs the photo shoot fashion designer who was an Asian Mugatto ripoff with a dyed blue goattee gave them the outfits he had picked out for them to wear with the corresponding dog. For two of the girls, all they were given were 8×11 sheets of paper basically to “cover” their vagina and nipples because they were going to pose naked with the dog.

The first chick was Elise I think. She’s the blonde with the HUGE knockers. She’s also a first grade teacher. She’s also also a first grade teacher because if she taught anything older then the boys would be too busying jerking their dicks off all day during her class. Anyway… So, Elise doesn’t want to unveil her huge knockers and tries to explain that to Mugatto, but all he does is laugh at her and laugh at her idea that she doesn’t want to get naked.

What’s the fix? Well, there’s Lucy – the 14 year old looking “free spirit” – who will gladly get naked whenever because HER DAD FAILED AS A FATHER. This girl literally walks around the Bachelor house topless and is shown walking ass naked with a dog around the block in Los Angeles or where ever they are. So, Elise asks Lucy to get naked for her and she’s like SURE because she’s DAMAGED GOODS.

But what about Andi? Well, Andi is freaked out by getting naked and decides to cry in the hallway about it until Juan Pablo reveals that he’s getting naked too with Lucy and her, so everything is cool. WHAT?! WAIT WHAT?! Are you telling me that all I had to do to get a chick naked and to get her to see me naked on a first date – REMEMBER THIS IS A FIRST FUCKING DATE – was to guilt them into doing it for CHARITY?! AMAZING!!!!!

So, guess what? They all pose naked and the other girls are in the green room just talking about how brave Andi is for posing naked or whatever. Hey you dull bitches! The guy you want to date/marry is in the other room LITERALLY staring at two other competing girls TITS and BUTTS and VAGINAS while they’re getting a healthy eyeful of his DONG.

That was a date. That was Disney’s idea of a date.

So motherfucking creepy.

That was the THIRD date of the episode. What else happened? Was it any less crazy or creepy? NOPE!

The first date…

That’s smokeshow Clare making out with Juan Pablo in a bikini in a hot tub.

So, what was their date?

Well, Juan Pablo blindfolded Clare at the house in front of all the other girls and then drove her – as she softly orgasmed the entire ride – to the Disney studios lot where they had made a fake snow winter wonderland.

They spent the first whatever period of time chasing each other around and throwing fake snow at each other as they giggled like no two 30 years would do SOBER EVER. Seriously, you’d have to be high as FUUUUUUUUUCK to catch two 30+ year olds on a first date chasing each other through trees like they were two fucking cartoon characters. So weird. But eventually things changed to what more or less what two adults would do on a date… TALK.

But the TALKING was in a HOT TUB and things got really weird really quickly.

Clare here has abs chiseled out of wood and perky fake boobs and she’s in a string bikini with Juan Pablo and Juan Pablo is getting pretty grabby, so what does Clare start talking about? Her dead dad.


That had to be the weirdest boner ever for Juan Pablo – or at least you would hope – that he’s got this chick sitting on his lap in a hot tub, laying against him, his one arm wrapped around her bare midriff and the other around her shoulders with his forearm firmly pressed to the bare cleavage of her breasts, and she’s regaling him with stories of her dead dad and how emotionally distressed/broke she is/was from her dad dying.

Honestly, I don’t know when is the right time to tell a total stranger who is trying to fuck you on national television in a hot tub that you have emotional problems stemming from your father dying, but I guess that was as good of a time as any to tell JP.

This all followed with them hearing some music playing and they rush out of the hot tub to reveal some Counting Crows wannabe playing some crap song about heartbreak and the two of them just hugged and kissed like 10 feet from this guy in their swimsuits. So, she’s just got her ass out there kissing this guy with her boobs… it’s just fucking weird and surreal and to think it’s on Disney. Seriously, have some restraint for a second, but I guess Clare can’t show any restraint because she’s busy living in a house of 15 other white chicks who would probably be sucking this JP’s D in front of that fat beatnik if they were given the chance.

Arguably the best moment may have been when Clare was kissing JP and pulled back for a moment to breathlessly say, “you taste like snow”. SERIOUSLY! First, it’s fake snow. Second, is this chick for real? That’s arguably worse dialogue than “feathers!” Either Clare is really just so orgasmic over everything Juan Pablo or she’s pretty much auditioning for her own season or a day-time soap opera gig. And, I really think it’s the latter as she was doing some thorough acting from the moment he picked her up in the car where she wouldn’t stop smiling and talking about how he smelled like she was in her very own rom-com… which I don’t know, she kind of is.

It’s tough to tell if these girls are crazy, are acting crazy because the show is crazy, and/or both, or are they pretending this whole time, which is also crazy so they can win the show or to use the show as an audition for another show. I don’t know. All possible!

Second date…

Juan Pablo takes Kat on a private plane where he changes into rave clothes and he takes her to the mysterious rave paradise known as…


Apparently, the capital of Mormon, America is also the home to a rave race where people dance and jog a 5K with glow sticks covering every inch of their stupid selves.

What a shitty fucking date!

Who takes a person on a first date to a 5k? Who takes a person on a first date to this mass gathering of strangers where you will have no time to yourselves?

What happened to dinner? Is dinner not acceptable for a date anymore? Taking someone to eat and talk and get to know each other in a way that you will need to do countless times there after if you end up staying together. Seriously, if you can’t have a meal with someone and talk then you can’t have a relationship with them. That’s like 40% of the relationship. The other 40% is sleeping in bed with them. Not fucking them, but literally sleeping in bed with them. If you can’t sleep in bed with them then you’re fucked, not fucking, but just fucked. The last 20% is a mash-up of sex, movies, grocery shopping, dusting, cooking, and being stuck in traffic together. That’s a relationship… then at somepoint you get the crazy fucking idea to have a kid together.

Rave 5K turns into the two of them on a stage dancing while a crowd cheers them on.

Is Kat relationship material? WHO THE FUCK KNOWS?! Is Kat apparently an attention whore enough to be on a TV show and then be on a stage dancing for strangers? Yes. I guess that shows that Kat won’t crack on TV like Victoria who has a meltdown in a bathroom and gets kicked off the show.

What else happened?

Cassandra almost has a melt down or maybe is looking for attention, but Juan Pablo assures her that he needs her on the show and she stays…

Ummmm yeah, you need her on the show because she’s 21, like 6 feet tall, is an NBA dancer, and kind of looks like Gal Gadot with her hair pulled back. Oh yeah, she’s got a kid or something too, so she’s mom material.

Right now…

I’d say the chicks who are leading on the show are…

Clare – minus the dead dad stuff, she’s hot and age appropriate. I mean he has to be pretty happy about making out with her in a hot tub and touching all up on her in a bikini.

Renee – she’s a mom and age appropriate and she looked great in their weir charity dog photo shoot with her in a dress and him in a tux or whatever. Also, she tried to help Cassandra and Victoria with their meltdowns. He hasn’t had a real sexy moment with her, but she’s come across well as far as her mental game.

Cassandra – all the above mentioned. There’s a good chance this guy pulls a Don Draper and marries Meghan which in this case is Cassandra.

Sharleen – It looks like in the next episode him in Sharleen start just making out in front of the other chicks. She was the first one who got a rose and now she’s getting slutty, so that bodes well.

I really feel like at this point there’s no mystery in who is going to stay and who is going to go. There are only a couple chicks on the show that could at all appear like a suitable match for him and the rest are just dead weight just hanging around to go on a whacky dates with this guy to only have a breakdown later in the show. Seriously, he’s not picking the chick whose “job” is “dog lover”. That’s not a job. And he’s not keeping “free spirit” Lucy either. If this guy is seriously looking for a step mom then he’s not going to have the girl who has no sense of keeping her clothes on raising his daughter. That’s a nightmare scenario right there.

That’s episode 2.

I don’t think Juan Pablo is literate past a 7th grade reading level.

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