2014 GOLDEN GLOBES RED CARPET – I actually watched the show this year

January 15, 2014

Whaddup!

I wrote a lot of this for Monday, but got sidetracked and never posted it. SO HERE IT IS NOW!!!!

After a weekend of the NFL’s divisional playoffs, painting our bedroom, slipping on some ice and skinning my knee, going to a buddy’s house and eating my weight in buffalo chicken dip… We were both shot when we got home last night (add in a cold sneaking on for Danielle) and we just dropped onto the couch with Coco and could not move. So, the Golden Globes started and the next thing they were over with about 3 hours of some funny jokes, but mostly rich people who are completely full of themselves slapping each other on the back and seemingly quite intoxicated absorbed most of the time.

As for who won what?

I do like BROOKLYN 99 a lot, but I’m not sure about Andy Samberg being the funniest guy on TV. The show itself winning the best show, I’m not sure about either, but it is a good show and I do enjoy watching. I enjoy watching some of those other shows as well… whatevs!

Amy Adams and Jennifer Lawrence winning was deserved. It’s also funny to note that whole weird speech that Diane Keaton gave about Woody Allen writing these great roles for women and then the two mentioned talking about David O. Russell writing great roles for women… It’s kind of a shame no one takes the time to mention how horrendous Martin Scorsese is at writing roles for women. I mean… if we’re giving props, let’s also give some demerits!

I don’t really remember the rest, but stuff happened and whatever.

LET’S TALK BOOBI- …

Let’s look at the dresses everyone was wearing because that seems superficial sounding. The dresses are what we’re looking at everyone. The dresses…

Margot Robbie is an Australian smokeshow if I’ve ever seen one. Hachie machie!

If this was a scene from Golden Globe nominated The Wolf of Wall Street, I would have said, “Imagine how good her pussy looks!” And then, I would’ve done cocaine and then had a five minute conversation about said pussy and THEN there would be a scene of Margot Robbie showing the aforementioned pussy to Leonardo Di Caprio as he runs around the room like Pepe Le Pew, but saying fuck every five seconds and doing Quaaludes. GIVE THAT MOVIE AWARDS, RIGHT?!!?!?!?!?!?!?

ANYWAY!!!!!

Margot was born in 1990 and that’s crazy to me and she looks great, she kind of looks like a young Jeri Ryan, and after watching most of “The Wolf of Wall Street” it’s interesting to see what she looks like with clothes actually on.

She’s young, beautiful, looks great without her clothes, and can do a great whiny New York accent, so I’m sure she’ll be a fixture in the biz for years to come.

Dear Bully, the internet hated your dress. Signed, the internet.

It’s definitely different although it could be much more offensive.

Did Sandra Bullock win for best actress in a drama? I don’t know, but she was excellent in GRAVITY and GRAVITY itself was mind-fucking-amazing.

Sandra herself in this picture is like, “I’m happy with the dress, but I can tell all of you are taking extra pictures because you’re going to scrutinize it.”

I think that the designers of the dresses should have to be at these awards shows held in a pen off to the side of the red carpet and then for the final pictures they have to run out next to the lady wearing their dress to put a face with the oddness, so that people aren’t just like BOOOOO SANDRA BULLOCK BECAUSE BLACK PINK AND CAROLINA BLUE DON’T GO TOGETHER YOU DIMWIT!!!!

If Jennifer Lawrence was were really into Debbie Harry and getting married in 1986 and not just floating in the ether as a potential DNA cross match that would happen 4 years later then this would have been a great wedding dress, right?

I mean she pulls it off. It’s fairly underwhelming minus JLaw being in it. Like I said it’s kind of punky, but not too punky that the punky girl doesn’t want a sweet ass white wedding.

I’m looking and I’m liking.

I guess Amy Adams learned a thing or two about the clothes that work for her while making AMERICAN HUSTLE because her character would have totally worn this dress because it features a sizable window for all of us to peek into for some stylish side boob. SIDE!!! BOOB!!!

Amy Adams is a gorgeous and talent… let me restart… Amy Adams is a talented and gorgeous lady and she’s got a knack for rocking side boob and the fair skinned, reddish haired Irish looking lass born in Italy can also rock a red dress. Looks excellent.

What has Tina Fey been doing since 30 ROCK ended? Growing her hair out because she’s got a mane of dark hair right now.

Anyway, Tina looked great in a lot of dresses on the show, but she arrived to the show in this dress, which was so-so. Actually, I hate this dress because usually Tina gives America what America wants and that’s some boobers and you get none of them in this dress. Also, she usually wears something a little more form fitting and she usually rocks the shit out of those dresses, but this is real billowy and just too busy to see Tina’s sweet bod. Am I right? SWEET BOD! Whatever! She’s attractive.

This dress also prompted a super bitchy/snarky response from me when Danielle mentioned how good Tina looked in one of the dresses on the show and I responded, “Yeah, but that’s not what she arrived in.” And I’m like so Joan Rivers queen all of a sudden. Super. THIS IS WHAT YOU’VE TURNED ME INTO!

I like this better than what Tina has on, but like Tina she was in a bunch of dresses on the show and she looked even better in some of those. Happy she won. And I think she was genuinely surprised she won. I was too. I think Poehler has stepped up her game on PARKS AND REC as they’ve been delving into political and cultural satire and instead of just jokes and she’s shown a bunch of emotion recently on the show AND she’s part of one of the best couples on TV with her and Adam Scott… so she’s doing it big on that show.

At the same time, Julia Louis Dreyfuss is the fucking murderiest murderer on VEEP as she is KILLING IT left right and center in every episode. I love that show. Can’t say enough good things about VEEP.

And she dates Nick Kroll? Seriously, you’ve got to watch out for those short dudes. They whisper!

Olivia Wilde is a sexy viper pregnant lady.

Danielle and I watched the replay of David Blaine’s new magic hour and there’s a bit where Blaine is at Olivia Wilde and Jason Sudeikis’ house. Olivia is pre-pregnancy and just walking around in some white pants and a white bra around their pool. Meanwhile, Jason has a mustache with an entirely white linen ensemble and appears to be high as FUUUUUUUCK. It’s amazing.

I’d really like to see Olivia get in a good movie. Some might say “Drinking Buddies” is a good movie, and they’re not “wrong”, but I’m talking like a REALLY good movie.

BAM!

Reese Witherspoon is just a fucking hot lady. Always has been, always will be. And! She’s quite talented. I feel like Reese is a little like Sandra Bullock where she’s not immediately thought of as a solid actress who can do comedy and drama and be hot and everything, but she is. I can think of at least 7 movies with Reese Witherspoon that I straight up enjoy. SEVEN! That’s a lot. She’s absolutely FLAWLESS in ELECTION for starters. And, honestly, you really don’t need to go further than that, but she’s been in other movies and she’s great and the whole drunk thing where she said to the cop “do you know who I am?!” makes her even more relate-able. You would do the same thing in her shoes!

Anyway, she’s sexy. And, did you know she’s got a tattoo of two swallows near her vagina? Isn’t that fucking great!

I wouldn’t say I’m a LEGALLY BLONDE fan – never seen it – but I’m a Reese Witherspoon fan.

Love him.

I hope every Bradley Cooper role from now on is as a lovable psychopath. He plays over the top, psycho who is kind of a bumbling idiot so fucking well.

And as good of an actor as Mr. Cooper is, he seems to have no idea what to do with his hands in this picture. I don’t know what to do with my hands either, but I’d expect that an Oscar nominated actor would.

People are still shitting on Taylor Swift? C’mon! People seem to love or hate this chick and honestly who the fuck cares. I mean what was her big crime? Dating? I don’t even know anymore. Whatever, she looks pretty good here. I found it quite strange her song was the theme of some weird coming to age film in the UK, but whatevs.

Ugh.

Yerp.

Can’t wait for VEEP to start up again. Also, JLD looks smoking as usual.

He looks awkward as fuck.

I feel like he’s saying to the camera people, “Is my suit as shiny as I think it is? Right? It’s too shiny! I mean why would a suit be this shiny? Is it made of black aluminum or something? What’s going on here?! I didn’t order a shiny suit.”

I think I bought a Papyrus card that looked like that.

Actually, I definitely did.

I heard Kaley got divorced, met a new guy, got engaged, married him, divorced him, got re-engaged to her first husband, and married him all on the way to the bathroom during the show.

HAHAHAH because she jumps into relationships quickly in real life, you know?! HAHAHHAHA

Inside that tummy is the child of the prophecy between Kerry Washington and one-time great defensive back Nnamdi Asomugha.

Kerry looks great pregnant. Also, I like this dress a million times better than Drew Barrymore’s. I know I like it more than Olivia’s as well. Why? Well, she’s showing off her bigger than normal already big preggers boobs and that’s really just something you have to show off. She’s like a fertility deity in that dress.

I feel like there’s no depth in this dress. It looks like it is photoshopped on.

Also, if you don’t recognize this chick that’s ok because it’s the wholly unrecognizable Emilia Clarke who plays Dany on Game of Thrones.

This was THE talk of the red carpet.

EMMA WATSON WORE PANTS!

PANTS?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!!!!

I haven’t seen a picture of what this outfit looks like from the front, but yeah pants are different. I mean I wear pants all the time or almost all the time, but for Emma MOTHERFUCKING Watson to wear pants?!?!?!?!? That’s fucking incredible.

As for the orange drapes she’s wearing as a top? Those I could do without. I guess the pants too. I mean next time Emma Watson should just show up naked in high heels. It would just be easier, right? Ok.

Jennifer Lawrence could straight-up bully Jessica Chastain.

Jessica is so tiny. Who knew she was a tiny? Like can’t touch the top of the refrigerator type of tiny. I know that Jennifer is taller… you know… for a girl… but if she dwarfs Chastain then I’m sure if I met Jessica Chastain then she would appear so small from my great height that it would be like I was looking down on a red-headed hot ant. Yeah, a sexy ant.

Sofia is working them thangs.

God bless her.

God bless her genetics.

God bless her misguided thought that she’s not going to be hot soon because of her age and thus leading her to wear a lot of revealing outfits to show off the goods while they look good and meanwhile she’ll probably still looking amazing well into her 70’s like Raquel Welch.

ALLISON WILLIAMS TOTALLY WANTS IT!

There was a lack of Kristen Stewart at the awards show, but not a lack of want with Ms. Williams around. I really hope Allison starts acting in other shows/movies because I’ve given up on Girls, but have not given up on wanting to see Allison Williams looking like she wants IT.

Lastly…

What the fuck is happening here?

Like really what the fuck is happening here?!

Why is Robin Wright with Ben Foster? Why is Ben Foster legally allowed to be with Robin Wright?

Why does Ben Foster look like a slightly smoother Mike from Breaking Bad?

Also, I just want to say this in case you think Ben Foster looks like a real bad ass or whatever – he’s 5’9″. Probably with shoes on.

Basically, Jennifer Lawrence could bully Ben Foster around too.

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2 Responses to “2014 GOLDEN GLOBES RED CARPET – I actually watched the show this year”

  1. I keep mistaking Margot Robbie for Jamie Pressly.

    Cate Blanchett won Best Actress instead of Sandra.

    Ben Foster needs hair.

  2. Kim said

    ‘Why does Ben Foster look like a slightly smoother Mike from Breaking Bad?’ LOL — I nearly spat soda on my monitor when I read that! You totally nailed it — yes, he does!!

    Another great red carpet round-up. I was waiting for this yesterday …. more than the actual entertainment sites I frequent after an awards show. I love your up front snark — tell it like it is!!

    You missed Kate Beckinsale — she looked amazing. I know you would’ve enjoyed that gown and boobage.

    @HeyyyBrother — Jamie Pressly, exactly. Thx, I couldn’t quite place who Margo Robbie reminded me of.

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