The Bachelor – episode 3 – PEE-YAMAS!!!!!!

January 21, 2014

Whaddup!

YES, I AM STILL WATCHING THE BACHELOR.

What I have learned this season from Juan Pablo has been HUGE… well, would’ve been huge if I was still single. See, I’m not single and with me not being single, I can’t use the romance tips that Juan Pablo has illustrated time and time again this season. So, if you’re single and are looking to mingle then please take heed of Juan Pablo’s hooking-up jiu-jitsu…

Step 1.

Take the unsuspecting girl on a date that is in no way a good time nor at all a normal way to spend time with a person on a first date.

What it does? It gets that frigid bitch out of her comfort zone and she’s got nothing to hold onto in this insane world anymore.

Step 2.

BREAK HER DOWN… emotionally. I’m talking REDUCE HER TO TEARS. Is it ok to reduce a girl to tears on a first date? OF FUCKING COURSE IT IS! JUAN PABLO IS DOING IT TWO TO FIVE TIMES AN EPISODE. Juan Pablo has these girls so mentally fragile about what they’re doing, what he’s forcing them to do, what if they don’t do it would another girl in the house have done it, what are the other girls doing with him when I’m not there et cetera. It’s paranoia mind manipulation and Juan Pablo is a master at it. Possibly a Dr. at it. Juan Pablo holds a PhD is fucking with chicks brains.

Finally, this is where you start shoving your tongue down their throat at…

Step 3.

Get the girl in a bikini AT ALL COSTS!

It’s a scientific fact, if a girl is wearing a bikini, she can’t make a rational decision. There’s something about covering less than 10% of your body that makes a chick fucking nuts. And, on top of that, she’s already been crying from step 2 and she is absolutely terrified about the world from step 1, so while she’s been nearly stripped naked into the bikini – it’s time to start rounding the bases. I’m not saying Juan Pablo is hitting homeruns, but if you hit enough doubles in your day, you’re bound to see homeplate. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!!! JUAN PABLO KNOWS WHAT I MEAN!!! RIGHT!!! RIGHT?!?!?!?!? RIGHT, JUAN PABLO?!?!?!? YOU GET OFF ON CHICKS WHO CRY AND THEN YOU MAKE HOMOPHOBIC COMMENTS!!?!?!?!?!? WOOOOO!!!!! HE’S THE BACHELOR ALRIGHT!!!!!

I was told that Juan Pablo made some homophobic remarks about having a gay season of The Bachelor. He said that a gay bachelor would set a bad example for kids. I think that’s what he said.

Let me begin by saying, THE BACHELOR SETS BAD EXAMPLES FOR KIDS!

No children should be watching The Bachelor. I would not argue that adults should watch it either. Like full grown ass adults really shouldn’t watch the bachelor either because it sets a bad example. This is not how you get to know people or how women should treat themselves for that matter. A relationship shouldn’t be about a chick making herself malleable for the guy while he’s doing nothing but being himself as well as pursuing other chicks. Seriously, he knows zip about these girls and they need to get themselves comfortable with his stupid ass accent, his child, his food, his “activities”, and so on. I guess the same could be said for The Bachelorette, but I’m not watching that right now.

A gay bachelor would rule.

Let repeat that … A GAY BACHELOR WOULD RULE.

A gay “bachelor” would be a dude who likes sucking other dude’s poles and/or getting his pole sucked by a dude with a pole. Ok? Just wanted to define that for everyone.

There would be so much more drama and infighting and just action in general on a gay bachelor. One huge reason why? All the dude contestants could end up fucking the other dude contestants. THAT’S AMAZING. That’s some real honest competition for The Bachelor. He’s got to woo some of these guys before the other guys can woo each other in the house. Currently, the chicks on the show will need to drink A LOT of white wine to get them even reasonably close to kissing, but on the gay bachelor – the bachelor will need to be a pretty bad ass gay dude to keep all the attention on him and not the other contestants. Make the fucking bachelor work to be sexually attractive to these people. I mean right now, the only guy around is Juan Pablo, so they either have to be into him or not and that’s cheating in my book.

ANYWAY… gay bachelor rules, Juan Pablo drools… what happened this week?!

Well, ABC’s website took the worst pictures ever from the episode and only from one of the dates from the episode too, so I guess you’ll just have to imagine some of it…

Cassandra and Chelsie here got to go on 1-on-1 dates with Juan Pablo.

Cass went up first where JP took her to a beach in some weird looking Jeep Wrangler where he drove the car through the sand and into the water because the car is also a BOAT. Yep! That’s the beginning of the date! Remember how I said the first thing he does is completely remove these girls from their comfort zone? Well, how about you take a piece of machinery everyone knows quite well and you make it do something normally thought of to be impossible. IMPOSSIBLE. Cars don’t drive in water!!!

Juan Pablo might as well have taken an apple at the start of the date and thrown it upward and it just stays there defying gravity and it never comes down and 21 year old Cass’ brain just fucking MELTS.

He tools around in the water with Cass for a while for no reason because this has nothing to do with Juan Pablo unless JP has an array cars that are also sea-based vehicles as well and he does this all the time freaking people out by driving a seemingly average car into a bed of water and the car magically turns into a fucking boat. Anywhatzzle…

They drive the car boat out to a boat boat where Cassandra is forced into a bikini, reminded that she needs to make a good impression on JP or JP is going to send her home to be with her son, so Cassandra is now vulnerable to just about anything and JP begins molesting Cassandra’s former NBA dancer body in the water.

SWEET FUCKING DATE, right?!

Cut to an hour or so later TV time, and JP is on a date with cutie-pa-tootie Chelsie who has been called a child a 1000x at this point by big boobed Elise.

What’s their date? Well, JP makes Chelsie pretend to like Spanish music for an hour then once those merengue beats have messed with her normal brain pattern enough, JP takes Chels to a street fair and forces her to eat all sorts of fried foods that look like normal fried food, but JP keeps saying this is Venezuelan this and this is Venezuelan that meanwhile I’m pretty sure they were just eating mozzarella sticks or something akin.

THEN! Juan Pablo informs Chelsie they will be bungee jumping off a bridge that is like 10 feet away from them and it is happening RIGHT NOW! JUMP OFF THE FUCKING BRIDGE CHELSIE!!! HE’LL NEVER LIKE YOU IF YOU DON’T JUMP OFF THE BRIDGE!!! JUST JUMP OFF A BRIDGE TO PROVE TO THIS DECADE OLDER FOREIGN STRANGER THAT YOU’RE GOOD ENOUGH TO BE CONSIDER TO BE OK!! JUMP OFF THE BRIDGE FOR THIS MAN TO CONSIDER THE IDEA THAT HE MIGHT BE ABLE TO LIKE YOU DOWN THE LINE AFTER HE MAKES YOU JUMP OFF THIS BRIDGE AS WELL AS DO OTHER THINGS LIKE THIS DOWN THE ROAD!!! JUST JUMP OFF THE FUCKING BRIDGE BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER YOUR OWN LIFE ANYMORE, CHELSIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, what happens? Well, Chelsie begins to cry, which is step 2 of the Juan Pablo dating process, so this date is PERFECTO.

Chelsie does eventually jump off the bridge after JP plays mind games with Chelsie for like 10 minutes about how it is ok for them not to jump off the bridge, but she could just jump off the bridge with him as well. I mean it’s totally ok if she doesn’t jump, but she could also just jump with him because that’s what he wants to do and fuck her feelings entirely.

She jumps. Then they kissed some ala “Spider-Man” with them hanging upside down.

That’s about the end of the date.

Oh wait… a country music band showed up out of nowhere and started playing a song for them and who the fuck cares. So stupid.

There’s a soccer group date where he makes the chicks play 5 x 5 after finding out more than half of them have never played soccer before. Then they get the chicks dressed in gold sports bras and eye black and let them run around getting concussions.

The chick in the pig tails in blue is Sharleen and she gets fucking hit in the head with the soccer ball numerous times. With her brain thoroughly scrambled, when JP takes the girls individually to the center of the field or to the far stands for some alone time, Sharleen opens her mouth for JP to probe it with his tongue BECAUSE SHARLEEN AND JUAN PABLO ARE THE WEIRDEST WORST KISSERS EVER… and then we got to see them do it again when Juan Pablo showed up at the house later.

Sharleen’s idea of kissing was sadly heavily influenced by the TWILIGHT movies, which is really sad because she’s 32(?) or something. In Twilight, there’s an awful lot of emphasis on using one’s forehead during kissing and that’s where things go south because YOUR FOREHEAD DOESN’T KNOCK COME INTO PLAY WHEN YOU’RE KISSING! Actually, I would argue the best kisses involve the least amount of forehead.

Sharleen angles her forehead to meet his, so that Juan Pablo has to blindly attack Sharleen’s hiding half opened mouth his jutting jaw and mouth. This also led to Juan Pablo nearly sticking his finger in Sharleen’s mouth to fish hook it to his mouth, so he could possibly kiss her in a way that humans would recognize as kissing.

Aside from that…

Apparently, Kat has some fucking huge boobs. Good for her.

So, JP ends up going over to the house and greeting the girls by preparing them the Venezuelan specialty breakfast known as eggs and toast. And this is where Juan Pablo gets to see all the girls in their… PEE-YAMAS. In their pee-yamas. He’s a fucking weirdo. I hope no one ends up with Juan Pablo.

After he feeds them, he has them all strip into bikinis and takes them out to the pool to passive-aggressively compete for him in front of the rest of the chicks.

That’s where Kat showed off her ENORMOUS boobs, Clare decided to have a crying meltdown that drew Juan Pablo away from the girls and got some alone time with her and him, and Sharleen did her weird kissing again. Seriously, she’s cute and all, but if the bitch can’t kiss then how the fuck are you going to have a relationship with her?

In the end…

Juan Pablo kicked off nude Lucy because he can’t have that around his daughter plus I’m pretty sure she was 14, so that’s illegal even where he’s from.

And, JP kicked off some blonde who I had never seen before in my life and I’ve been watching this show.

I think this episode was kind of low-key because they spent way too much of the season’s budget last week. There’s going to be a date soon with Juan Pablo and a chick playing poker using Fruit Loops as currency.

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