The Bachelor – episode 4 – CORE-REEEE-AAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

January 28, 2014

WHADDUP!

Last night’s episode of THE BACHELOR was super Korean! Ain’t that what we’ve always wanted?! A Korean episode of The Bachelor!?!?!?!? Or I mean, haven’t we always wanted an episode of The Bachelor where every 10 minutes it’s punctuated with the thought “South Korea is pretty… sometimes” and ever 3 minutes it’s punctuated with the thought “South Korea is weird, right?”

South Korea is weird… for the destination of the first “LATIN” The Bachelor!

I’ll be honest, Juan Pablo is better at English than I am at Spanish, BUT I’m also not the lead of a Spanish speaking reality soap opera on Telemundo. I wish I was, but I’m not. Nevertheless, why not fucking put this dope in a country that speaks Spanish to show off his charisma in his native language instead of taking this glorified dork and putting him in Korea where he makes less sense than normal. I don’t know… but whatever… let’s get down to brass tacks here… in case you forgot…

Juan Pablo is just a simple single father to a bright eyed little girl named Camilla and he just wants to spend time with his little hija, but he CAN’T … because!!!! … he has to go and date two dozen women at the same time for all of us to watch because we’re such assholes.The episode kicked off with JP saying an awkward goodbye to his daughter who is seemingly being watched by his parents and/or two old people that ABC hired as reasonable step-ins for his parents. Then it cuts to the The Bachelor brothel where 13 girls remain in all their giddy bitchiness. The host of the show is such a pointless character, but he’s kind of hilarious because he’s like the deadpan proxy for Juan Pablo like he’s Adam Scott to JP’s Rob Lowe when they first started on “Parks and Rec”. So… the host tells them the good news that they’re going on a trip and the bad news that a couple of them won’t be coming back on that same trip.

Where are the girls going?

SOUTH KOREA!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

CORE-REE-AHHH!!!!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

The girls go absolutely BALLISTIC when they find out the news. Honestly, they go too ballistic. I think Sharleen is part Asian, so she could be excited, but the rest of them get WAY too excited as a pack of just white chicks from white places in America. Not to say white people don’t go to Korea because white people go every where, but let’s be serious about these girls who sign up for the Bachelor who have watched “The Notebook” one too many times getting way too excited about going to Korea. Do you even think that any one of them had ever thought about Korea in their life outside of maybe catching a replay of “Best of the Best” on the USA Network, which they only watched to see Eric Roberts’ magnificent hair.

Anyway… YAH! KOREA! YAH TO A TWELVE HOUR PLANE FLIGHT!!!! WOOO!OO!O!O!O!!!!

Seriously! When has there ever been a plane filled with a baker’s dozen of hot white chicks flying to Korea that didn’t have to do with porn? I’m talking some super hot AMWF – Asian Male White Female – schoolgirl outfits and tentacles type of love making cinema. You know? Oh, you know.

They get to Korea and everyone at the airport is a half-asleep Korean thinking “yep, back in ole’ Korea” meanwhile the girls are whipping around screaming “WE’RE IN KOREA!!! AHHH!!! I LOVE KOREA!! OMG KOREA!!!!”

Finally, the girls get to see JP who seemingly made the trip on ABC’s private plane by himself, and he proceeds to tell them that they’re going to do some really cool, really hip “Gangnam Style” stuff. Yeah? Way to be a year late on Gangnam Style, ABC. We’re living in the ADD world of the internet, ABC. Gangnam Style is from 30 years ago in internet time. Might as well had these girls do the Lindy Hop instead of K-Pop. Whatever, fuck this.

The next segment/group date should’ve been titled “Kat might be/have been a stripper”…

Kat is the one on our right in the orange with the boobs. The big boobs. Sorry, Kat is the one with the BIG BOOBS. And since ABC takes the worst pictures, there really are not any good ones showing how Kat was really dancing all sorts of slutty, but there’s this picture…

You can see her in the pink and orange with the butt and she’s obviously doing some kind of genie ass shake. And yes, they all dressed up like fucking idiots to dance to some K-Pop, which is apparently mandatory. JP dressed as Mugatu, which is so hot, right? He’s the best.

The girls met some K-Pop group and then did back-up dancing for them at a show in a mall and what we learned more than anything is that Kat knows everyone of Demi Moore’s moves from “Striptease” and THEN SOME and she knows them perfectly. Which is kind of hot, but also kind of concerning whether or not you are a single father because Kat has a notoriously sluttier job than a stripper and that’s as a medical sales rep. dunh DunH DUNH!!!!

Kat, TOTES, bangs or cock-teases/clit-teases a bunch of doctors to make her quotas every month. Make that paper, Kat!

Also, watching a whole bunch of hot white girls strip down and learn to do sultry dances for a bunch of Koreans makes me feel like we’re a bad 10 minutes away from turning this episode of The Bachelor into Liam Neeson’s TAKEN. Like a knockout gas enters the dance studio through the vents, cut to a week later and Kat & Cassandra are go-go dancing in bikinis in some underground lair for high priced sex slavery. Hmmmm… yeah… that’s nice. Ok… what?

So… I got kind of bored with the dancing and the group date honestly and started checking out each girl’s profile on ABC.com and that’s where I saw Kat’s job and then I saw some other truly horrifying facts that Juan Pablo should be briefed on…

ELISE – the enormous boobed blonde who hasn’t done anything on the show yet except call Chelsie a child – her “longest relationship” is EIGHT YEARS. EIGHT YEARS!!!!! Regardless of age, that is absolutely TERRIFYING! TERRIFYING! And, she’s 27. TWENTY SEVEN! Eight years is more than a quarter of her life! I mean unless she was dating this dude for 8 years from like 6 to 14 then then she’s absolutely crazy pants. She’s realistically been in 1 relationship her whole life and her second relationship is possibly going to be a guy she “won” on a reality TV show? AND! She keeps saying she’s ready to be this stranger’s daughter’s mother. Elise and her phenomenally big tits are fucking CRAZY! … spoiler alert … Elise does get kicked off the show later.

Also, Nikki is a fucking psychopath. This whole episode is spent with Nikki complaining about everything they do and complaining about the other girls like she’s just realizing what she got herself into and she spends every single second talking shit on Clare for seemingly trying to win the show and later Nikki just kicks Clare out of her 1 on 1 time with JP. BUT, that’s not what makes this bitch a psycho! Nikki is a psycho because she listed her three favorite movies as THE NOTEBOOKAVATAR, and THE ISLAND.

WAAAAAAHHHHHHAAHHHTTTTT!!!!

THE ISLAND?! Are you fucking kidding me?! Let’s be real, she’s a dumb person. “The Notebook”, ok? You’re a boring white woman and you masturbate to Ryan Gosling, congratulations for being one of the majority. Avatar? It’s not even that good of a movie in general let alone that original of one, but you know what?! I’ll give it to you because it was pretty cool when I saw it the first time in 3D, but … scratch that … Avatar is mildly entertaining on repeat watch and is a very weird movie if you think about it for a split second, so that’s a bad choice… BUT… The Island? THE ISLAND?! THE ISLAND?!?!?!??! That’s fucking nuts talk right there. There is absolutely only one positive about The Island and that’s how phenomenal Scarlett Johansson’s hair looks especially in slow-mo, but that movie is garbage. I don’t care if you dildo yourself to death to the one shot of Ewan McGregor without his shirt on because Ewan McGregor is in a lot of movies and you can choose anyone of them. I wouldn’t allow a person who lists The Island as one of their favorite movies around my child. They probably carry some type of brain disease of stupidity that is infectious.

But Juan Pablo is an idiot and gives Nikki the rose. What a fucking idiot!

Back to the episode at hand…

Big tits Kat pulls Juan Pablo aside for a mind-bending sexy alone time session for Kat and her toned body to curl up right next to JP and whisper into his ear… about her alcoholic dad. FUCKING BONER KILLER! WOOOOOO!!!!

THIS IS TWICE NOW! JP was pretty much fucking Clare in a hot tub when she unloaded about her dead dad. Now, Kat is like, ‘Let’s sneak off and I’ll rub the bulge in your jeans until you soil them’ and JP is like ‘Bueno!’ and then Kat is like ‘My dad’s a drunk and let’s talk about fears.’ No bueno!

Then we get the only one-on-one date in Korea and SURPRISE SURPRISE it’s with Sharleen.

If you need a refresher, Sharleen is the opera singer who’s not that into Juan Pablo, but he fucking loves her and she’s also a horrendous kisser. And we got to see everything I just mentioned in this date, so that’s pretty good I guess.

Sharleen has a sit down with Juan Pablo where she tells him he’s NOT BLAND. Hey, sweetheart, flattery will get you anywhere, am I right? Not bland! That’s got to be the bitchiest fucking thing she could have said to him. NOT bland. You’re NOT bland. You know what? If someone tells you you’re NOT BLAND from now on you can haul off and slap the shit out of them. One good slap. But Juan Pablo is an idiot and he doesn’t speak English that well, so he didn’t know what bland was nor did he know she was pretty much insulting the shit out of him, but whatever.

Juan Pablo does get the opera singer to sing a little opera and guess what? Sharleen can sing. I was fucking shocked. I don’t think much of what I see on TV is real, so I was surprised to see her actually able to sing opera when she said she could before. I mean Cassandra said she’s a former NBA dancer meanwhile she wasn’t that good at dancing, maybe that’s why she’s a “former”. I don’t know. Anyway…

After Sharleen proved she could sing, it got her pussy all wet and the two of them started engaging in that weird kissing that Sharleen likes to do. I really hope Sharleen watches herself on this show and sees how terrible she is at kissing and corrects that in her own life. I don’t know if she wins the show, but if she can learn anything from this experience it is video evidence of her being a weirdo kisser.

Back to the other bitches… Juan Pablo takes them on a group date that is fucking BORING and pointless like most of this shit. They fly them to Korea to do pretty much nothing. What a boring commercial for South Korea tourism. Hey, come to Korea to eat shitty street food and sing karaoke. Or you could save yourself a couple thousand dollars and keep living whatever boring life you lead without ever flying a dozen hours to get to our boring country, right?

After the group date, Andi the brunette lawyer gets the rose for some unknown reason. I kind of forgot she was on the show. Then the other brunette Lauren S. has a break down because Juan Pablo won’t kiss her, which is ENTIRELY Juan Pablo’s fault. I mean he’s a fucking dickhead for not kissing her. She and he know he’s been kissing all these other girls then she tries to kiss her and she gets denied. They haven’t had any real 1 on 1 time and blah blah blah. Just fucking kiss her, you moron! You don’t think the other girls talk about how much they’re kissing you?! Anyway, Lauren S. has a breakdown and she later doesn’t get a rose and is kicked off the show. She got a free trip to Korea, I guess?

Meanwhile, JP says he’s not going to kiss anyone, but he ends up making out with Clare because she’s a hot/crazy-eyed MILF who he nearly banged in a hot tub earlier.

So, big boobs Elise goes home and sad sack Lauren S. goes home. Or do they? Do they get a return flight to Los Angeles or are they left to fend for themselves in Korea?

Who is left? Fucking Kelly! Fucking literal up-turned nose Kelly with the bobble head and the profession as a “dog lover”. I don’t even think there’s been a single second shown of Juan Pablo conversing with Kelly. Maybe that’s why he doesn’t kick her off. She’s all potential, right? She could be super smart or funny or who knows? She should keep avoiding Juan Pablo and maybe she’ll sneak into the final 5.

Next episode, Clare gets super slutty in Vietnam. Yep. VIET-FUCKING-NAM!

At least from the preview, it appears Clare may actually fuck Juan Pablo, which may have been crossing the line and possibly gets sent home for it. HAHAHAHAH! That would be too funny.

I don’t even know who I’m rooting for at this point. I guess Renee who I didn’t mention once in this post because Danielle and Brew Dawgz are pulling for her. I think I’m rooting for The Bachelor to be recast halfway through the season with Taye Diggs. He’s single. Also, they should recast the women to a bunch of chicks who have better taste than the fucking “The Island”.

Diggs deserves better.

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