Whaddup!

So, I watched episode 2 of THE BACHELOR and here are my thoughts…

THIS SHOW IS MOTHERFUCKING CRAZY

The lesson from last night’s episode was loud and fucking clear…

MODELS n MUTTS IS THE CREEPIEST CHARITY EVER!!!!

Is the dog on the ground dead? Someone should seriously check if that dog died of shame by being associated with this charity and/or TV show.

I’m going to dive right into the group date segment from last night’s episode to spotlight how FUCKING CREEPY that date was and how fucking creepy that charity Models n Mutts came off as last night.

Actually, before we get into how I wouldn’t suggest giving money to the Models n Mutts charity because they’ll probably spend all your money on pseudo-porno photo shoots instead of the dogs, you should donate money to no kill animal shelters and one in particular is http://monmouthcountyspca.org/ which my Mom volunteers at and is where Danielle and I adopted Coco. I can tell you that it is a great animal shelter and it is not involved with naked calendar shoots where they may or may not force girls to strip naked for those photo shoots while a creepy Asian man with a blue beard laughs at them.

DONATE TO http://monmouthcountyspca.org/ … anyway…

Juan Pablo’s group date, which was the third date shown on last night’s episode took them to some photo shoot for the MODELS n MUTTS charity where they take sexy photos of hot chicks with dogs that are in no kill shelters to either raise money or get the dogs adopted.

THIS IS FOR A DOG CHARITY!!!!

I keep digressing, but the slutty girl on top of Juan Pablo had a nervous breakdown brought on buy booze (probably pills) and left the show and the girl kissing Juan Pablo got kicked off because she’s black and this show is fucking RACIST. Anyway…

How fucked up is that charity?

First things first, what kind of PERVERT goes to a particular website to adopt a dog because there are nude chicks in the photos with the dog? THAT’S FUCKING GROSS.

I want to throw up 100x thinking about the person who adopts a dog because it was in a “sexy” photo with a dog. AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! It’s so weird and is actually promoting bestiality. WHY WOULD I GIVE MONEY TO THAT “CHARITY”?! WHY WOULD DISNEY THINK THAT PROMOTING BESTIALITY WOULD BE APPROP… oh wait… Disney would be PERFECT to promote bestiality because ALMOST ALL OF THEIR MOVIES ARE FUCKING BESTIALITY! OH LOOK HOW HOT NALA IS IN THE LION KING? Oh yeah, you can see she has some sexy eyes nowadays Simba. Why don’t we sit here with our kids and watch you go lion fuck her.

Uhhhh… BEAUTY AND THE BEAST is all about bestiality. That movie is the fucking Holy Grail of bestiality movies.

Anyway… ok… so maybe it makes sense that Disney liked this charity.

The only thing I can imagine is the same creeps who buy a chicks used underwear from a photo shoot are the same creeps that adopt dogs from Models n Mutts.

Besides the overall creepiness and wrongness of the charity itself… two other terrible and wrong things happened…

1.

Besides them covering up Chelsie’s wonderful boobs, they also dressed this other chick (who? I don’t even remember) to look like a fucking diseased alien.

Some people are claiming this was racist because she’s in “blackface”. Ummmm… whoever thinks this was racist IS A FUCKING IDIOT! It would be racist if they took the one black chick and gave her a black dog and said, “Don’t need to do anything here because your black skin matches perfectly.” THAT WOULD’VE BEEN RACIST.

It’s not racist what they did to that girl up there, it’s just fucking weird. It’s weird and she looks fucking really weird. She doesn’t even look like that dog. She looks like she’s a crazy person. She also will give simple minded Juan Pablo nightmares for years to come about how fucking weird she looked. Why was it necessary to put her in a bald cap too? One girl dressed as a fire hydrant and she didn’t need to be painted red or wear a bald cap. They just made this girl looking like a fucking idiot.

2.

This looks like a cute moment, but Andi is sitting in this hallway because she’s freaking out about being FORCED to pose NAKED for this photoshoot and Juan Pablo is reassuring her it is ok because he will also be naked.

The girls were given dogs and with the dogs the photo shoot fashion designer who was an Asian Mugatto ripoff with a dyed blue goattee gave them the outfits he had picked out for them to wear with the corresponding dog. For two of the girls, all they were given were 8×11 sheets of paper basically to “cover” their vagina and nipples because they were going to pose naked with the dog.

The first chick was Elise I think. She’s the blonde with the HUGE knockers. She’s also a first grade teacher. She’s also also a first grade teacher because if she taught anything older then the boys would be too busying jerking their dicks off all day during her class. Anyway… So, Elise doesn’t want to unveil her huge knockers and tries to explain that to Mugatto, but all he does is laugh at her and laugh at her idea that she doesn’t want to get naked.

What’s the fix? Well, there’s Lucy – the 14 year old looking “free spirit” – who will gladly get naked whenever because HER DAD FAILED AS A FATHER. This girl literally walks around the Bachelor house topless and is shown walking ass naked with a dog around the block in Los Angeles or where ever they are. So, Elise asks Lucy to get naked for her and she’s like SURE because she’s DAMAGED GOODS.

But what about Andi? Well, Andi is freaked out by getting naked and decides to cry in the hallway about it until Juan Pablo reveals that he’s getting naked too with Lucy and her, so everything is cool. WHAT?! WAIT WHAT?! Are you telling me that all I had to do to get a chick naked and to get her to see me naked on a first date – REMEMBER THIS IS A FIRST FUCKING DATE – was to guilt them into doing it for CHARITY?! AMAZING!!!!!

So, guess what? They all pose naked and the other girls are in the green room just talking about how brave Andi is for posing naked or whatever. Hey you dull bitches! The guy you want to date/marry is in the other room LITERALLY staring at two other competing girls TITS and BUTTS and VAGINAS while they’re getting a healthy eyeful of his DONG.

That was a date. That was Disney’s idea of a date.

So motherfucking creepy.

That was the THIRD date of the episode. What else happened? Was it any less crazy or creepy? NOPE!

The first date…

That’s smokeshow Clare making out with Juan Pablo in a bikini in a hot tub.

So, what was their date?

Well, Juan Pablo blindfolded Clare at the house in front of all the other girls and then drove her – as she softly orgasmed the entire ride – to the Disney studios lot where they had made a fake snow winter wonderland.

They spent the first whatever period of time chasing each other around and throwing fake snow at each other as they giggled like no two 30 years would do SOBER EVER. Seriously, you’d have to be high as FUUUUUUUUUCK to catch two 30+ year olds on a first date chasing each other through trees like they were two fucking cartoon characters. So weird. But eventually things changed to what more or less what two adults would do on a date… TALK.

But the TALKING was in a HOT TUB and things got really weird really quickly.

Clare here has abs chiseled out of wood and perky fake boobs and she’s in a string bikini with Juan Pablo and Juan Pablo is getting pretty grabby, so what does Clare start talking about? Her dead dad.

DOUCHE CHILLS.

That had to be the weirdest boner ever for Juan Pablo – or at least you would hope – that he’s got this chick sitting on his lap in a hot tub, laying against him, his one arm wrapped around her bare midriff and the other around her shoulders with his forearm firmly pressed to the bare cleavage of her breasts, and she’s regaling him with stories of her dead dad and how emotionally distressed/broke she is/was from her dad dying.

Honestly, I don’t know when is the right time to tell a total stranger who is trying to fuck you on national television in a hot tub that you have emotional problems stemming from your father dying, but I guess that was as good of a time as any to tell JP.

This all followed with them hearing some music playing and they rush out of the hot tub to reveal some Counting Crows wannabe playing some crap song about heartbreak and the two of them just hugged and kissed like 10 feet from this guy in their swimsuits. So, she’s just got her ass out there kissing this guy with her boobs… it’s just fucking weird and surreal and to think it’s on Disney. Seriously, have some restraint for a second, but I guess Clare can’t show any restraint because she’s busy living in a house of 15 other white chicks who would probably be sucking this JP’s D in front of that fat beatnik if they were given the chance.

Arguably the best moment may have been when Clare was kissing JP and pulled back for a moment to breathlessly say, “you taste like snow”. SERIOUSLY! First, it’s fake snow. Second, is this chick for real? That’s arguably worse dialogue than “feathers!” Either Clare is really just so orgasmic over everything Juan Pablo or she’s pretty much auditioning for her own season or a day-time soap opera gig. And, I really think it’s the latter as she was doing some thorough acting from the moment he picked her up in the car where she wouldn’t stop smiling and talking about how he smelled like she was in her very own rom-com… which I don’t know, she kind of is.

It’s tough to tell if these girls are crazy, are acting crazy because the show is crazy, and/or both, or are they pretending this whole time, which is also crazy so they can win the show or to use the show as an audition for another show. I don’t know. All possible!

Second date…

Juan Pablo takes Kat on a private plane where he changes into rave clothes and he takes her to the mysterious rave paradise known as…

SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH!

Apparently, the capital of Mormon, America is also the home to a rave race where people dance and jog a 5K with glow sticks covering every inch of their stupid selves.

What a shitty fucking date!

Who takes a person on a first date to a 5k? Who takes a person on a first date to this mass gathering of strangers where you will have no time to yourselves?

What happened to dinner? Is dinner not acceptable for a date anymore? Taking someone to eat and talk and get to know each other in a way that you will need to do countless times there after if you end up staying together. Seriously, if you can’t have a meal with someone and talk then you can’t have a relationship with them. That’s like 40% of the relationship. The other 40% is sleeping in bed with them. Not fucking them, but literally sleeping in bed with them. If you can’t sleep in bed with them then you’re fucked, not fucking, but just fucked. The last 20% is a mash-up of sex, movies, grocery shopping, dusting, cooking, and being stuck in traffic together. That’s a relationship… then at somepoint you get the crazy fucking idea to have a kid together.

Rave 5K turns into the two of them on a stage dancing while a crowd cheers them on.

Is Kat relationship material? WHO THE FUCK KNOWS?! Is Kat apparently an attention whore enough to be on a TV show and then be on a stage dancing for strangers? Yes. I guess that shows that Kat won’t crack on TV like Victoria who has a meltdown in a bathroom and gets kicked off the show.

What else happened?

Cassandra almost has a melt down or maybe is looking for attention, but Juan Pablo assures her that he needs her on the show and she stays…

Ummmm yeah, you need her on the show because she’s 21, like 6 feet tall, is an NBA dancer, and kind of looks like Gal Gadot with her hair pulled back. Oh yeah, she’s got a kid or something too, so she’s mom material.

Right now…

I’d say the chicks who are leading on the show are…

Clare – minus the dead dad stuff, she’s hot and age appropriate. I mean he has to be pretty happy about making out with her in a hot tub and touching all up on her in a bikini.

Renee – she’s a mom and age appropriate and she looked great in their weir charity dog photo shoot with her in a dress and him in a tux or whatever. Also, she tried to help Cassandra and Victoria with their meltdowns. He hasn’t had a real sexy moment with her, but she’s come across well as far as her mental game.

Cassandra – all the above mentioned. There’s a good chance this guy pulls a Don Draper and marries Meghan which in this case is Cassandra.

Sharleen – It looks like in the next episode him in Sharleen start just making out in front of the other chicks. She was the first one who got a rose and now she’s getting slutty, so that bodes well.

I really feel like at this point there’s no mystery in who is going to stay and who is going to go. There are only a couple chicks on the show that could at all appear like a suitable match for him and the rest are just dead weight just hanging around to go on a whacky dates with this guy to only have a breakdown later in the show. Seriously, he’s not picking the chick whose “job” is “dog lover”. That’s not a job. And he’s not keeping “free spirit” Lucy either. If this guy is seriously looking for a step mom then he’s not going to have the girl who has no sense of keeping her clothes on raising his daughter. That’s a nightmare scenario right there.

That’s episode 2.

I don’t think Juan Pablo is literate past a 7th grade reading level.

Whaddup, bonitas senoritas y hombres de feo!

I watched THE BACHELOR.

DIOS MIO!!!!

For shame, I know, but I did. Honestly, there wasn’t much else on television to substitute for the lazy lothario Juan Pablo and his gaggle of giggly (desperate) gals. Also, I am a dedicated ABC local news, ABC World News, and Jeopardy watcher, which more often than not turns me into a reluctant Wheel of Fortune watcher and, sometimes, turns me into a first 15 minutes of Marvel’s Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. watcher until I’m like WHERE BE THE DOTH DAMN REMOTE ALREADY?!

Last night, there was no shitty ripoff of Heroes on after Wheel of Fortune. Instead, there was this guy…

And, you would never guess it by looking at him, but he’s slightly Spanish.

Are you enchiladas dripping from just the thought of his burrito?! AM I DERECHO?!?!?!?!

Anyway, I speak just as good Spanish as Juan Pablo up here, but I don’t have the balls or the particular type of insanity that he has to try and work it in every 2 minutes or so with an accent that comes and goes to try and get the ladies. So, that’s the only thing that really separates me and Juan…

OH RIGHT?! He’s got pink pants… right below his defined abs and that other muscle thing that is like a vector arrow pointing to that burrito of his I was talking about.

So, that’s the Bachelor. The guy up there without the shirt on. He’s 31, he used to play professional soccer at some level – there’s like a million professional soccer leagues, so who the fuck knows and I don’t care to look it up and you don’t care either because you’re too busy staring at his belly button, he’s got a daughter who is like 4 or something from a relationship that only lasted two years, and he’s a music agent or something now, which means he’s just been living on his looks since soccer ended until he found his way onto ABC’s The Bachelor, which really is an American dream kind of story.

Also, they list a place in Venezuela as his hometown, but let’s be serious… the dude was born in upstate New York, moved to Venezuela for years, but then moved back to New York for college or for soccer or for something and really this whole Venezuela thing is to get the ladies as I mentioned earlier. Whatever, I’m not mad about it. The game is the game.

What happened last night on the TWO HOUR season premiere?

Some really pretty ladies and Juan Pablo acted like fucking DORKS.

All these attractive and seemingly eligible chicas dressed in their finest Quinceanera dresses and set about making asses of themselves all to endear themselves to the single borro/jackass Juan Pablo on America’s greatest absurd speed dating/judge a book by its cover dating/reality show.

TWENTY SEVEN, 27, women ranging from around Juan Pablo’s age to barely legal looked like absolute dorks for Juan Pablo last night. I keep saying DORKS because that’s what women are, they’re dorks. When ladies try to be cute or quirky, but lack the conviction for it, they turn into a tone deaf goof, which is a dork. It’s not the worst thing because when guys try to be cute and quirky, but lack the conviction for it they just come across as idiots or assholes. So, pick your poison on that.

I’d take a big wild guess that these women don’t really come up with the comedy gags that they’re forced to do and instead have them written for them to do by some lowly reality TV writer from The Bachelor and then you throw in how nervous these chicks are and it is just a cluster fuck trainwreck mess. Like…

Lauren S. who struggled riding a bicycle in a prom dress that had a fucking piano attached to the front of it in and then stopping a few feet from the man she’s possibly going to emotionally torture herself over for the next few weeks in hopes of landing him for the rest of his life and seemingly being the step-mother to his adorable daughter and then play some piano song for him… sadly not “The Entertainer”, which we all know is the greatest piece of pianist-istory.

So, of course, she looked like a total fucking dork doing this. And, of course, she fucked up a couple times because who the fuck wouldn’t. And then Juan Pablo looks like a damn moron standing there trying to pretend that this is impressive and not just wildly stupid and when she misses a note, he can’t control himself from doing that “yeesh” face/noise.

Rest assured, each and every chick who walks up to Juan Pablo as they met him standing outside the house either came across as a DORK or a potential PSYCHO. The former is Lauren S. or that chick who kicked the soccer ball to him or Kelly who brought a dog with her like LOVE ME BECAUSE YOU GET THE DOG TOO; also, Kelly’s profession was “dog lover” – hey bitch, we’re all dog lovers and none of us are getting paid to do it. I need to start getting paid for loving dogs because I fucking love dogs. I got dog right next to me right now as I type this.

THE LATTER, the PSYCHOS, were lead by massage therapist/bangs-aficionado¬† Amy J., whisper talker Ashley, and Queen crazy herself Lauren “Pursed-lips to perfection” H. WOOOOOO!!!!!

The three mentioned did not make the final cut during the rose ceremony for good reason. For Lauren H. here, it’s a lot more advantageous for her to seek psychiatric help first before she takes her narrow lips and huge tits out on the town to saddle a new man. I’m not exactly sure what the timetable was for this show on the casting, auditioning, green light you’re on the show process was, but this chick said that she was set to marry a dude who left her right before their wedding and then a few months later she’s on The Bachelor. So, she’s the mayor of Crazytown or “The Butterfly” of Crazytown or something.

Was she engaged to be married when she tried out for this show?

During the video intros for Lauren H., they show her staring in deep angry thought at her wedding dress over and over again. Yeah, is she in the right mental frame of mind to be on this show right now? How about give her a year? Either way, The Bachelor fans didn’t have to worry too long about whether Juan Pablo was going to accidentally choose Lauren H. and her scowl for future episodes as she had the expected emotional breakdown moments into meeting Juan Pablo and is visibly just bawling while assuring Juan Pablo she’s ready to be his kid’s step-mother. Oh yeah! That’s great! I always wanted an emotionally unstable woman as kid’s step-mother! WOOOO!!! Hey, ABC, I found my lady already!

Nine chicks got got and I’m not too broken up about any of them. There was crazy Kylie who thought Juan Pablo called her name when he clearly called for this other less crazy chick Kat to get her rose. Also, I don’t know about Kylie. She’s got dyed red hair and was wearing a pink prom dress. You scream that you have a lot of growing up left to do, especially to a guy whose got a daughter who probably would choose that same dress to wear given the opportunity.

What about the ladies who made it to the next episode?! The one’s who survived the chopping block?!

Well…

… there’s Sharleen, the opera singer, who Juan Pablo was TOTES INTO while Sharleen was TOTES INDIFFERENT to Juan Pablo.

Do you know what’s more awkward than Juan Pablo’s right hand to her left shoulder placement captured in the above picture? THIS WHOLE FUCKING SCENE. This is when Juan Pablo pulled Sharleen aside for her coveted one-on-one time with JP-izzle and he discovered he was madly in love with Sharleen and it’s also where Sharleen realized that she’s just not into him. It was a classic moment of either one of two things…

1. Chicks being chicks. Isn’t it almost always the case that the girl stops liking the guy when he starts chasing after her and showing interest? JP lays it down for Sharleen that he’s into her by handing her a rose and she couldn’t have acted any less into it.

2. Imagination is greater than reality. This is kind of what she said was the problem. She’s pined away at a picture of a guy for however long and then cut to seeing him in the flesh and hearing his barely noticeable accent and listening to him query such thought provoking questions “But why do you live in Germany?” and guess what – he doesn’t live up to the hype!

Sharleen was the first to get a rose and the first to be *shrugs* about it, so that’s a great start for the show.

Who else?

There’s Andi who simply too hot to be a district attorney in Atlanta, Georgia… or that’s EXACTLY WHAT SHE TOLD US. I mean I probably wouldn’t have thought anything outside of yeah that district attorney is hot or attractive or a lady with lady parts, but to be so hot that people are questioning whether or not you’re capable of doing some form of gainful employment… well, you’d have to be pretty fucking hot or you’d have to be a huge sexist to think that hot chicks don’t have jobs like being a lawyer. Seriously? Have you walked around in this world? There are hot chicks everywhere doing everything. Get off your fucking high horse, Andi. Seems like the sexist in this story is you!

There was tits!… errrr…. Elise. Yeah, there was Elise and her boobs. She’s a first grade teacher and wet nurse for the state of Oklahoma. I could have made the second part up. I don’t know anymore!

There was Lucy. First, she’s not Juan Pablo’s daughter. If you were thinking that she was then you’re not too far off. I mean she’s got to have maybe two years on JP’s daughter, right? How old could Lucy be? 14? She’s whatever age Ariana Grande is pretending to be. That’s my guess. Whaaaa… ABC says she’s 24 and her job is “free spirit”. Uhhhh, no. She’s in 8th grade and she’s unemployed because she would need one of those letters that is signed by the parent and the principal of the school or whatever to get a job at her young age.

At one point, Danielle turned to me and said, “I don’t think Lucy is wearing any make-up” and I responded “She’s wearing the make-up of youth! She doesn’t need make-up.” Anyway, she’s young and acts even younger and JP is going to try and put his little JP inside of her.

There were a bunch more chicks like one named Valerie and one named Clare who looks whiter than Juan Pablo, but says she’s part Mexican and another named Lacy I think. ANYWAY… I want to mention one other chick before closing because she kind of summed up what I think about a lot of these ladies or at least the ones that are not confrontationally crazy and she was the first girl we met at the same time…

Chelsie. She’s got this Kristen Bell, Kristin Chenoweth thing going on and she’s 24 and she’s a “science educator” and she lives in Columbus, Ohio.

If Chelsie’s gameplan is to win the hearts and minds of Bachelor fans so she can become the Bachelorette and/or show-up on Bachelor Pad and so on to become a TV star of her own then bully for this blonde. BUT! If her real deal is that she’s this precocious cutie pie who just hasn’t found the right man and needs to settle down… FIRST! You’re twenty-FUCKING-four. SECOND! You live in COLUMBUS, OHIO! Get the fuck out of Columbus, Ohio! Nothing against Columbus… well… scratch that… I’ve been to Columbus and it’s not where I’d send a bright eyed and bushy tailed young lass to go find the man of her dreams. Seriously, there’s an issue with homeless gypsy pick-pocketers in Columbus coupled with a male population of slow-wits.

Just leave town for like 72 hours and go anywhere else and you’ll probably find a guy or at least get a foothold toward the search of a guy instead of hanging around Columbus hoping for some beat reporter from The Plain Dealer to get divorced or shacking up with a lost drunk senior from The Ohio State University.

You don’t need to rest your vagina’s hopes and dreams on a dude from Columbus or a reality TV show. That’s really all the words of wisdom I have for all you ladies out there.

Well… that’s my take on the season premiere.

Maybe I’ll keep watching. And if I do, I’ll keep writing about it.

My advice for 2014…

January 6, 2014

Whaddup.

Take the following advice very, VERY seriously…

DON’T FALL ONTO A BRICK SET OF STAIRS!!!!!

DON’T DO IT!

I specifically SLIPPED and FELL on a BRICK set of stairs, and DON’T DO THAT.

Don’t slip, don’t fall on brick. Don’t slip or fall on a surface as hard and unforgiving as brick. Don’t slip or fall on brick in the way that one of the steps hits you right in the back with its point and kind of slips you in half like the professional wrestling move – the backbreaker.

Don’t let bricks backbreaker you!

DON’T DO IT!!!!

I cannot stress enough how you should not let allow yourself to slip and go into the air and then with the full force of your body-weight being accelerated by our planet’s gravity go slamming into a set of brick stairs.

It’s really a terrible idea to do that.

It’s really a terrible idea to fall at all. It’s really a terrible idea to slip and fall. It’s not necessarily a terrible idea to slip, but it’s only slightly ok to do that if you make sure you don’t fall. Although, there is a very unsettling feeling when you slip and you didn’t mean to do it. You have a quick sickening sensation that you have no control over the next series of events and you could fall and fall hard, so you get this panic and this queasiness. So, don’t do that.

And definitely don’t fall.

UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES… DON’T FALL. NEVER FALL.

Don’t fall on brick, concrete, asphalt, wood, or really anything else.

Seriously, you would need to find something abstract to fall onto that is incredibly soft and welcoming to ever say you should fall on them.

Like what?

The Stay Puft Marshmallow man?

Fair enough. You could probably fall onto Mr. Stay Puft and be all right.

Anything else?

Alexandra Daddario’s boobs?

Yerp. You could fall into the generously God given boobers of Ms. Daddario’s boobs and you’d be A-OK.

If you were on the fence about wanting to watch HBO’s new mystery/thriller series TRUE DETECTIVE starring Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey – well, Alexandra Daddario gets ass nekkid and totes topless in the show apparently and by “apparently” I mean there are stills of its miraculousness floating around the interwebz already. So, you may just want to check out the show for that reason alone.

Anyway, I’m sore all over my body. Thank God I didn’t hit my head at all.

Injured and still perverted. Could be the name of my latest memoir.

HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND?!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

My 2014 resolution is to give every reader a kiss on their face by 2015! WOOOOO!!!

Is there another blog that guarantees they will do that?! I don’t think so! WOOO!!!

Honestly, this blog doesn’t guarantee it will happen either. I mean resolutions aren’t binding. They’re kind of a promise everyone expects will be broken. It’s kind of the flimsiest and shittiest promise out there. Resolutions? Pfffttt… I won’t hold my breath because I would be dead. Fuck you, resolutions!

Back to the point, if you do present yourself in front of me – I’ll kiss you on your face if you’re cool with it because I’m not looking for legal trouble. May need you to sign a piece of paper with some words on it about how you can’t sue me because I face kissed you. Ok? RESOLUTIONS! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

AMERICAN HUSTLE

SIDE!!!! BOOBS!!!! WOOOOOOOOO!!!!

This is what happens every other minute in this movie.

These particular boobs that are barely covered and giving everyone the friendliest hello ever belong to…

AMY ADAMS! WOOOO!!!!

And Double A – not Arn Anderson – is terrific in this movie. Her boobs are terrific and she’s terrific. If there was a way she could win best actress and her sideboob could win best supporting actress then I’m all for it because I’ve already nominated them and awarded them those honors in my head about a million times.

I’d say Amy Adams is the new Naomi Watts.

Beautiful, sexy, and, most importantly, can do both comedy and drama. She can hit every note in between as well. Not just in this movie – although this movie is in many ways a sizzle reel for Amy Adams’ acting ability – but Amy had played young and innocent in “Doubt”, streetwise and sexy in “The Fighter”, goofy and funny in “Talladega Nights”, and so on … and in this movie she does it all. Naomi has shown her ability to do all those things as well and I don’t know if it is her fault or not, but I haven’t really seen her in a movie since like 2008. The last movie I saw of Naomi’s was in 2009 and that was “The International” and the only scene in that movie that is worth watching is the circular stair gun fight referenced on the poster and before that the last good movie she was in that I saw was 2007’s “Eastern Promises”. I didn’t see “The Impossible”, which was supposed to be good, but ANYWAY!!!!

Amy Adams is the emotional core of this movie. She’s the overlapping section of the venn diagram that Christian Bale and Bradley Cooper fight over.

This is pretty much the movie…

Bale, Cooper, Adams and they’re all excellent in the movie.

Robert De Niro, Joe Pesci, and Sharon Stone… It’s pretty much “Casino”, but better and there’s two Sharon Stones because Jennifer Lawrence kills it in the scenes that she’s in.

I’ll hit on the rest of the movie in a minute, more or less blowjobbing each of the actors just like I did to Amy and as you’d expect I would to Jennifer Lawrence later, but what before that…

Did I like the movie? Yes.

Did I really like it? Yes.

Did I love it? Well… love is a strong word. I loved all the actors and I loved many scenes, but all in all I wouldn’t say I “loved” this movie. I wouldn’t have to talk myself out of buying this movie the way I do with other movies. I’m comfortable seeing this movie maybe one or two more times in my life randomly and will never be concerned with needing to own a copy of it to throw on when I want to.

Let me reiterate for a moment, I liked this movie a lot and if I really cared about awards then I think all four of the stars of the movie – Bale, Cooper, J-Law, and Adams – should all be nominated for awards. The movie itself should be nominated for awards. The directing should be nominated. The costume design should be nominated. And blah blah the blah blah blah. But there were problems with the movie.

It’s long. And it feels long. Like really long. Longer than it probably is.

It’s slow. That makes it feel so long, obviously. The slowness is both in getting to the point of scenes as well as the movie. The development of the movie is slow and seems to keep going and going and going in a straight line for way too long before we start hitting the bumps that are dramatic.

I think the real problem of the movie is indulgence and it’s over-indulgence of its own indulgence, which is that everyone is acting too well or is too interesting to look at. It’s too much screentime for things that don’t need it. Some scenes just take too long to get through because everyone is just doing the drama too well or they’re having too much fun messing around with the comedy. It’s like they had three ideas for a scene and did all 3 of those ideas and used all 3 instead of picking the best one and going with that one.

It’s got a surprising lack of music or score in the movie and with that, the long scenes feel really long because there’s nothing breaking up the silence. Scenes just go on without edits and while the scenes are good, there’s nothing so severe that is at stake that it keeps the drama that intense that holds your attention that much.

With that being said…

Bradley Cooper is fucking amazing.

Just fucking look at him! He fucking looks amazing! And, supposedly, he came up with this look. Whether that’s true or not, he fucking owns this curly perm attached to this psychopath character like he was born to play it.

Earlier in the week, Danielle and I rewatched “Silver Linings Playbook” and it’s a fucking great movie. A movie I expect to watch again and again throughout the years. Cooper is alive. Like really alive on screen when he wants to be or has the script to be or maybe it’s just a David O. Russell as his director thing, but he’s fucking ALIVE in this movie and in SLP and he’s excellent in both.

Cooper can play extreme so well. Like off his ass screaming and it can be both terrifying or funny or both and it’s not something that all actors can do, but it’s something that the better actors do and do well. He’s shown he can do that and hopefully he keeps getting movies to do that in. He really does a good job of toeing that line of being bad or good or someone you want to root for, but at the same time is a fucking nutjob.

And while the movie is about Bale and Adams more than anything, they give Cooper a side-world that only he inhabits that is fun and different, which is really just his interactions with Louis CK.

And these running conversations between the two lead to one of the best payoffs I’ve seen all year…

Cooper doing an impression of Louis CK…

And…

Maniacally laughing his ass off about it.

It’s amazing.

One of the best, if not the best, scene in “Silver Linings Playbook” was the slow motion music montage of Cooper going to the Eagles game – fucking fantastic. The scene shown above has shades of that of that brilliance.

So, I think that was a thorough of BJing of Cooper, who is just so good in a bunch of the scenes in the movie with his just derangedness. Especially, his 1-on-1 scenes with Amy Adams. The two of them are great.

There’s of course the real main character of the movie…

Christian Bale is Robert De Niro.

At least, in this movie he is. He fucking nails it too. If this movie was made during the time and era when the movie pretends it is then Robert De Niro would’ve played this role and he would’ve been lucky to play it exactly like Bale did.

I think Bale has proven that he’s thoroughly versatile and can inhabit roles and this is another to add to this already growing and long list. He’s a dirty, sad, but clever conman in this movie and it’s exactly the role that guys in the 70’s were working their nuts off to achieve and did at times, but Bale swoops in and nails it in this movie.

I mentioned “Casino” and it very much is like “Casino” and it’s very much like the movies that “Casino” are like. While I’m not the biggest fan or a fan of Martin Scorsese, this movie is going for that feel and it gets and it’s a good movie as well. It’s not just trying to be something and being that something, it’s also a good movie as well in its own right.

As I said before, to me, Adams is the center of the movie, but it’s clear the film tries to make it Bale. Bale is good and he’s literally the entry and exit point for all the characters in the movie like Jeremy Renner, but I doubt you’re overly concerned with what happens to Bale minus what happens between Bale and Adams. Adams is the prize and everything else is secondary. Whether or not Bale even survives the movie is secondary to what Adams’ thoughts are about Bale if/when he dies. Do you know what I mean?

All the back and forth and interest they put into Bale’s character is good and certainly tries to flesh him out, but I don’t think anyone really cares. I don’t think you really care if they get away with it or not as much as you care if Bale ends up with Adams or does Cooper or does no one. That’s the movie. All the other stuff, that helps you possibly understand why Bale is the way he is and possibly helps make the connection more between this movie and other mob/Scorsese style movies like I mentioned, but it’s not what is at stake.

Unlike Scorsese, David O. Russell can write female characters or more so let’s the female characters have real storylines with their own arcs and feelings and whatever.

Jennifer Lawrence is the best and was probably such a drama crazy child.

She’s 22, she’s fucking smoking hot, straight women want a crack at her, and while that’s great and all… she’s super fun to watch play crazy.

We got to see it in Sliver Linings Playbook, but this is even more absurd than that that Jennifer Lawrence can be funny and fucking insane and it’s wonderful.

In “Winter’s Bone” she’s strong and quiet and has this stoic confidence and so on while showing vulnerability. She’s good in “Hunger Games” even with it being about running around a forest with poison gas coming after her and occasionally shooting a bow and arrow. But there’s really not much to work with as far as looking sturdy in those roles and delivering the lines with solemn conviction.

WHERE AS… in this movie, she’s fucking off the wall and she’s playful. She’s just fun to watch. Sure they dress her up sexy a couple times in the movie and show off her curves like in the above, but the rest of it is her playing this Real Housewives of New Jersey nutjob who is destructive and ultimately wants attention and love. It’s great.

So…

It’s a good movie.

They are all great doing whatever it is that they’re doing, but sometimes it goes on for too long. The movie keeps adding more and more and with that, it feels like it is trying to add more and more.

The movie doesn’t flow, but what’s on screen is enjoyable. I’ve read that a lot of the movie is improvised and read that David O. Russell made characters bigger than they were in the original script – which he didn’t write, this was a script that had been floating around on the blacklist of great scripts that hadn’t been made yet and David O. Russell did rewrites on it – because these actors were so good and he wanted to show them off. So, that’s kind of what the movie is. It’s not nearly as tight as it “should” be, but it’s tough to argue that any of the scenes are bad.

Good movie with faults, but a lot of fun characters.

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