WHAT. IN. THE. UP!

FIRST!!!! I must apologize to the city of Kansas City for forgetting about you and, instead, ranting yesterday about the city of Cincinnati. I had no right to steal your thunder Kansas City, a city that is in Missouri and not in Kansas unless we’re talking about the Kansas City that is in Kansas, but no one ever talks about that Kansas City, and give that thunder to Cincinnati and right a paragraph or two or eight tearing apart that city because it just so happened to be the hometown of some (bottle) blonde bimbo from The Bachelor. Actually, that (faux) flaxen headed airhead is really a daughter of Kansas City and I should have torn your city apart with words instead. You have my utmost apologies. Next time, Kansas City, next time.

ANYWHATTZLE!!!

FANTASY SUITES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yerp.

Last night on THE BACHELOR, Juan Pablo — creepy as fuck, emotionless, languageless, deer caught in the headlights look having, weirdo — got the opportunity to bang… talk to the remaining three ladies in the FANTASY SUITE … all night… with NO CAMERAS!

This is the episode that most people have told me about. This is the legalized prostitution that Disney has laid before us with this show. I was expecting a lot of dirty sex or dirty sex noises or possible double entendres about dirty sex… we got next to none of that. The fantasy suites came up short with the sex. Actually, the fantasy suites came up short with the “fantasy” as well. I’m sure it was a “suite” – I mean it had a bed and a little sitting area and most hotels nowadays would legitimately call all rooms with a king or queen bed and an additional sitting area a suite. So, there’s that.

But FANTASY?

Where the fuck was the FANTASY?

Saint Lucia is beautiful and everything, but it was a fucking hotel room. If we’re titling something FANTASY then I need like at the very least a dragon painted on a wall. What about a jungle themed room with like a rope that you can swing on into bed? I mean, my ass isn’t going to be supported by some rope connected to an islander home, but a skinny minny like Nikki who probably hasn’t eaten since the gas station barbecue stop two weeks earlier surely could take a ride. Or like an underwater themed room. Andi dressed as Ariel and Juan Pablo dressed as the guy from “The Little Mermaid” that forces Ariel to give up her entire magical life in the ocean to be his upper middle class housewife. That’s what happens in that movie, right? Like a fucking schoolgirl outfit and a long ruler or something! It’s a FANTASY suite.

The real “fantasy” that is going on is that this mumbling idiot who may be cross-eyed is the dream guy for these three chicks. Right, America?

CLARE

Of course, Clare is first because Clare has been his favorite since the beginning. Probably has something to do with her baby talk voice and her big boobers that she lets Juan Pablo rub his Venezuelan mitts all over. And per usual, he jams his stupid tongue down her throat the moment he sees her. Honestly, if he picked any chick besides Clare — that chick would HAVE to dump him on principle because all he does with Clare is tongue fuck her. Same could be said with Sharleen. I think when he does pick Clare and they rewatch this show together, Sharleen’s appearance on the show, Nikki meeting his daughter, and his never ending make out under the waterfall with Andi will be real issues.

They go on a boat and hang out in bikinis per you-zhhh. Clare does try to talk to Juan Pablo about the hometown visit the week earlier and it is obvious from the start that Juan Pablo has little to no memory at all of Clare’s family and what happened at her house. Juan Pablo kept repeating “Laura’s” name as if he had never heard it before. I’m not talking about the sister, but the FUCKING NAME ENTIRELY. It was like he was discovering a new fucking language… probably because he speaks no languages fluently. And! How could he forget the one sister who looks like she’s an evil soothsayer from a Stephen King novel? Juan Pablo cannot run across creatures that ugly on a daily basis. That’s a one in a million type of ugly. And, he seemed to have no memory of MOMMA either.

In the end, he takes Clare to the fantasy suite and he makes her read this letter that Chris Hanson or whoever wrote and JP does this because JP CANNOT read English. That guy is a functioning illiterate person. The gist of the letter is that Juan Pablo wants you to go to the bonezone with him with no cameras and she has Disney’s blessing to do so.

Which is great, but what about Camilla’s blessing, right?

Clare cannot let go of this Camilla thing, which shows there is some sanity in that pretty baby talking head of hers and it shows that she cannot let shit go. She’s got a pretty fucking good memory for a chick with daddy issues and fake boobs, which is not what Juan Pablo was hoping for. Clare brings up how he slut shamed her with his daughter’s feelings back in some Asian country and wonders will the fantasy suites bring on more slut shaming?

UUUUUHHHHHHH… CLARE?! It’s the fantasy suite! Even little fucking kids who don’t speak English like Camilla understand the fucking fantasy suites! They’re a fucking timeless sacred tradition, dummy! No cameras! Remember? DURRRR!!! Camilla is totes cool with the fantasy suites!

Anyway, JP rambles some more nonsense and Clare goes into the fantasy suite.

Also, does anyone notice that when Juan Pablo says “Clare” he gets excited when he says it like it’s a fun word to say and not like he can’t wait to see her. He really performs the word “Clare” like he’s a step off from Anthony Hopkins in Silence of the Lambs with CLARICE!

ANDI

Typical shit with Andi. Picnic by a waterfall. Seriously, they’ve gone on two dates and both of those “dates” have been picnics by waterfalls. Oh right, before that, Juan Pablo gets sweaty slapping a ball around with his feet with some island boys, which makes Andi think he’s going to be a good father, which makes me think Andi is a fucking idiot.

The two try and talk at the waterfall, but it’s more or less Andi asking JP to recant what happened with her family and she pretends it is amusing, but it isn’t. Juan Pablo has no ability to make these girls think that they’re possibly going to be picked. He keeps saying it is “honesty” that he’s saying he’s not sure, but HONESTLY if you’re like — who the fuck knows — and you’re about to propose to one of these broads in a week then you’re only proposing out of obligation. He does not LOVE any of these chicks. He LIKES them. Yeah, I would LIKE a lot of chicks if they fawned over me in bikinis and did not stop me from shoving my tongue down their throat whenever I felt like it. That’s also NOT A RELATIONSHIP. At this point, he is clearly no closer to any of them besides that he’s probably gotten further with some over others. If he touches your boobs then you’re staying around, if he doesn’t… GONEZO!

Same shit happens with the letter, her reading it, and they go into the fantasy suite.

THE DIFFERENCE!!!!!!

When we come back from commercials, Juan Pablo is his usual happy autistic self and Andi is sadly walking around the island like she was Jennifer Connolly after the ass-to-ass scene in “Requiem for a Dream”. So, something happened and I’m not sure if they’re both on the same page about it.

I’ll cut over Nikki’s segment and join Andi’s two segments. Andi tells us the viewers and not Juan Pablo that the overnight fantasy suite was not sex — well at least not all — and was a lot of talking, but Juan Pablo is terrible demon talker…

1. One-upper – One of the worst sins one can make as a conversationalist is to be labeled a one-upper.

2. Name-dropper – NEVER! DIOS MIO! NOT A NAME DROPPER!!! AHHHHHH!!! THE HORRORS SHE MUST’VE WENT THROUGH THAT NIGHT!!! … sidenote: what motherfucking names is the dipshit dropping? Hey, Andi, how are you? I was hanging out with the Yellow, or amarillo in Spanish, peanut M&M and he was cool.

Please say you get the Yellow M&M reference!!! COME ON! HE DOES THOSE STUPID COMMERCIALS… anyway. Whatever.

More importantly, Juan Pablo is big fucking idiot head and he goes and tells Andi about doing the fantasy suite with Clare. GOOD MOVE, ASS HEAD! Second, he said that Andi made it to the final round by… DEFAULT. BOOM!!!! Dude knows how to talk to the ladies! I wonder why his first relationship – that actually produced a child – failed?

At the end of the episode, Andi wears doilies as a pair of shorts – smooth move – and confronts Juan Pablo on shit. THIS WAS BOUND TO HAPPEN. At some point, one of these chicks had to realize that he talks nonsense all the time and none of it is a good enough explanation to these chicks about their possible future or possible getting their heart broken. I was expecting that Andi would be the one to snap on Juan Pablo like this because she’s seemingly the most educated of these women and the least concerned with the WINNING element that Clare and Nikki are fucking drowning in.

Andi shits all over Juan Pablo. Juan Pablo keeps digging a deeper and deeper grave for himself as he keeps saying it is “ok” that Andi is mad and leaving because that’s her choice. Which Juan Pablo plays off as him being HONEST and then hides behind that word as if it is a sound structure.

HONESTY is not bad. Honesty in itself is not bad. What makes honesty bad is when you honestly just want to insult someone. See? That’s when “honesty” gets tricky because you’re just insulting someone. Insulting someone is not the only way to be honest.

Juan Pablo was being “honest”. But the real “honesty” which he did not go into is that who the fuck is Andi to him? She’s 1 of 3 chicks and HONESTLY Juan Pablo really doesn’t give a shit about which of those three chicks he gets. Those 3 chicks could easily be replaced by 3 other women. The only reason Cassandra and Renee are not there is because they have children and HONESTLY Juan Pablo doesn’t want to deal with that, so other girls are still on the show in their place. Honestly, he would like Sharleen to be there as much as Andi. Andi is just some chick he met a few weeks earlier with 20+ other chicks as apart of a dating TV show and he knows nothing about these girls and has no real intention of staying with any of them either. Him staying with these women is not set in stone. Not many of these other TV people have stayed together, people in general don’t stay together, and he has a history of not staying together with people as well. In the end, he doesn’t even need to pick one of these girls because someone else in the TV show’s history proved that was a viable option as well.

The real HONESTY of the situation is that Juan Pablo absolutely doesn’t give a shit and is selfish, which is what you would need to be in order to go on a show like The Bachelor to begin with and… it took up until that moment for Andi to realize it and, once she did, she was angry and ready to live in a world where she could somewhat see the light of this entire hypocrisy.

But… at the same time, she’s HEAVILY rumored to be the next The Bachelorette, which I’m guessing will be more about revenge than love. She got made a fool of on a show chasing some idiot dude, now a bunch of dudes can look like idiots chasing her.

So, Andi leaves.

NIKKI

Nikki first off shows up to her time with Juan Pablo wearing a bikini covered in like little Hiawatha fringe and a pair of more or less pajama pants. Nikki’s boobs were everywhere. God bless her for that.

They ride a couple horses down to the beach and they get in the water and a wave FUCKING WRECKS NIKKI. She gets fucking sent on her ass and Juan Pablo doesn’t care or skip a beat in forcing her to stand-up and kiss him more because that’s all these bitches are to him. Kissing machines.

He also mentions that everyone of these chicks are good kissers because that is the ONE and ONLY thing he really knows about them. That’s great to be, but if that’s all you can think up when you need to talk about this person’s attributes then they might as well be a fucking prostitute to you. A kissing prostitute. She’s a good kisser! Oh great! Maybe she’ll raise your fucking daughter to be a good kisser as well, right? You dolt. You doe eyed dolt!

Nikki goes into the fantasy suite with Juan Pablo with no hesitation and has a wonderful time or something or whatever. That bitch doesn’t have a central nervous system let alone the ability to tell whether something is a “good time” or not. She’s crazy!

Nikki and Clare are perfect for this show and for each other because they’re both laser focused on WINNING. Whatever they set their mind to – they get. That’s it. They’re crazy women. CRAZY! They just want to win this show. They want to feel that thrill of getting what they want… and later they’ll want something else or realize that what they wanted wasn’t enough, so they’ll move on to the next thing.

But right now, the two of them would walk through fucking fire to get Juan Pablo because it would mean they are fucking winners.

They’re like scientologists of Juan Pablo. Their space lord is Juan Pablo and they are just one more week away from achieving his divine touch.

Or two weeks away because the reunion show is next week. Can’t wait for that show! It is going to be a bunch of SCORNED women who will be looking to get EVEN on national television. Seriously, people do not like looking like idiots. They all look like idiots from this show so far, and come the reunion they’re focused on proving they’re not idiots by showing to the world what a farce Juan Pablo is.

It’s going to be like a slightly reserved public image hanging of Juan Pablo. I hope they burn dolls of him in effigy at the end of the reunion.

WHADDUP!!!!!

Can you believe I’m writing about THE BACHELOR and there’s ANOTHER episode of The Bachelor tonight?!!???!?! INCREDIBLE!!!!!

WOOOOO!!!… errr… well, not really “incredible”, but it’s amusing. Whatever.

So, last night was the famous HOMETOWNS episode and tonight is the infamous FANTASY SUITES episode, which in all previews shows everyone crying, so I’m guessing Juan Pablo is as good in the bedroom as he is at speaking English as a second language, which is not very well at all.

Last night’s episode was hyped up something awful from all the people I have confessed to that I’m watching The Bachelor for the first time. Did it live up to the hype? Ehhhhhh, shrugs. I don’t know. It was awkward like all the episodes are. There was a lot of questioning of Juan Pablo, which I enjoyed. It was funny watching other people who are not lovestruck idiot women talking to Juan Pablo, but they didn’t show much of these girls boring ass hometowns or really have them do that many activities or anything. It was a lot more sedated and it was doubly cringe-worthy, so maybe it did live up to the hype.

The episode was split into 4 parts and I’ll go through those 4 parts in the order they appeared. Also, I went over to ABC to see if they had any good pictures to use for this article and THEY DON’T BECAUSE ABC.COM IS THE MOTHERFUCKING WORST AT CHOOSING PICTURES!!! WHO THE FUCK IS RUNNING THEIR SHIT WEBSITE WITH ITS TRICK ASS MARK PICTURE SECTION?!?!? SERIOUSLY, THERE’S NOT A SINGLE PICTURE OF ANDI’S JUDGEMENTAL DAD OR, ACTUALLY, A SINGLE PICTURE OF NIKKI WHATSOEVER! Seriously, ABC/Disney – you suck.

The only picture that is at all mildly endearing or useful is a picture from a moment of the show that WASN’T EVEN AIRED…

Clare cut that dope… Juan Pablo’s hair. RIGHT?! Because she’s a hair stylist after all.

Soooo… rightfully so… that was not aired on national television.

There’s absolutely nothing else shown in those pictures, so deal with mah words.

First up…

NIKKI

Nikki is from Cincinnati? BORING. Seriously, two chicks from Ohio made it until the final 5? Nothing against BLOW-HIO or whatever, but how boring is it that they combed the US and found two chicks from a state that is not even marketable as a genuine travel destination. Are you going to Ohio to see the NFL Hall of Fame or Rock & Roll Hall of Fame? If you are then you really should consider just doing that as a pitstop on your way to Chicago for a few days or at the very least go to the NFL Hall of Fame for the induction ceremony. I guess you can go to Columbus for the Arnold Schwarzenegger festival, which I did, but I also got paid to go, so there’s that. Anyway…

Cincinnati! What does Cincinnati have to offer? Well, not much. Nikki meets Juan Pablo and she takes him to a “gas station barbecue”. Why? Well, I don’t know why. I guess Juan Pablo has never had barbecue, which sounds absolutely insane because we’re talking about something that is easily obtained anywhere in the US and, furthermore, who the fuck thinks of Cincinnati first when the word barbecue is mentioned? Cincinnati? Seriously, I just typed into google “cincinnati barbe..” and “cincinnati barber” was still the top search before adding the “cue”, so that was stupid going to get barbecue in Cincinnati. Also, Juan Pablo isn’t moving to Cincinnati. Also, Nikki is trying to marry this “worldly” guy who takes her on airplanes to Korea and Vietnam, so “gas station barbecue” is not something she wants Juan Pablo to get used to. And, I suspect that Nikki had either never been there or hadn’t been since she was in high school and went on a date with some sad sack who got yelled at for taking her to some crummy gas station barbecue joint instead of a fancy dinner the likes a Venezuelan soccer player would take her!

Cut to: Nikki’s family’s Cincinnati MANSION! Let’s be honest, Nikki’s nannies probably told her about the barbecue place and she has never mingled with middleclass people before.

We meet Nikki’s mom, dad, and a smattering of other people who don’t matter. They have dinner and in the middle of dinner, Nikki’s mom in the totes awkwardest moment just asks Nikki to leave the table, so the two of them can drink wine in the mom’s bedroom and gossip about Juan Pablo’s body. This show is fucked up. Meanwhile, Juan Pablo has a one-on-one date with Nikki’s father who is more lovestruck over Juan Pablo than his daughter is. Nikki is upstairs waffling about whether or not she would say yes if Juan Pablo asks her to marry him and downstairs Nikki’s dad is more or less proposing to propose Juan Pablo.

What I gathered from Nikki’s family? She’s a spoiled bitch, her dad is a beta male, and her mom & her probably fight like Farrah and her weirdo Blythe Danner mother on Teen Moms.

ANDI

Yesterday, I said that I thought Andi was getting kicked off the show. Honestly, I have no idea how this show works and I didn’t think anyone would get kicked off from the hometowns and would only get kicked off on tonight’s episode. ABC guaranteed that Andi would be surviving hometowns with all the footage of her and Juan Pablo arguing about something that happens on tonight’s episode. Either way, Andi’s totally not winning this show. I thought Clare would win from the beginning and I’m still sticking by Clare. I think it’s insanely weird he had Nikki meet his daughter, but there’s no fucking way Nikki is going to be able to deal with being a step-mom and cordial to the baby’s momma… whatever… back to Andi.

Andi is from Atlanta, so to continue stereotypes – Andi takes Juan Pablo to a gun range. At the gun range, there was a lot of weird like “pull the trigger like a man and not like a queer” kind of undercurrent going on. It was unsettling. Also, it’s great that Disney is like “GUNS ARE FUN!!!” because that is really hitting the heart of that HEATED debate in this country.

Andi takes Juan Pablo home to meet her family, WHICH she already knows will not like him. SUH-WEET! The MVP of not liking Juan Pablo is Andi’s dad who is named Hy. Hy? Hy! So, Hy doesn’t like Juan Pablo one bit. He does his best to illustrate real clearly to Juan Pablo that he doesn’t like him, but at the same time will not outright just tell him – I DON’T LIKE YOU! Either way, he’s clearly trying to be un-welcoming. Also, if you were wondering before – Andi is totally a daddy’s girl. With that being said, all of Hy’s reservations about Juan Pablo on the surface are accurate reservations to have — he’s a fucking dude on a TV show built around him kissing all these good looking chicks like 20 of them and only 1 of those 20 is his daughter and Lord knows what she has done or he has done to her to decide that he likes kissing her the best out of the 20 some odd girls so far. Yuh know? Plus, it’s not even a guarantee that Juan Pablo likes her the most, he just likes her better than the rest so far, so that’s not comforting. Plus, he’s already got a daughter from a previous failed relationship. Juan Pablo is NOT a catch.

Meanwhile, Andi has a sister who looks almost identical to her and she’s got some lame-oh looking husband or fiancee. Then there’s a scene of Andi and the sister having girl talk talking about how hot Juan Pablo is. If I was the fiancee/husband of Andi’s sister, she and he would never be alone together ever. Never. Never! If he was going to be somewhere and she needed to be there then I would be there as well. I would not put it passed Juan Pablo at all to try and sleep or put a move or do something crazy over the line with the sister who looks exactly like the chick that he won on a TV show. So, no. While I am not the actual fiancee/husband, the real fiancee/husband will be cuckold immediately if Juan Pablo ends up with Andi because he’s totally doing something to her sister.

Also, Andi’s mother got weird and sexual with Juan Pablo. Yep. So, Hy is telling Juan Pablo that he’s just not that into him. Meanwhile, Andi’s mom is outright requesting Juan Pablo to dance for her. DANCE FOR HER. THIS IS HY’S NIGHTMARE!!!! If he allows Juan Pablo into his house, Juan Pablo is fucking his wife and his two daughters. It’s literally the worst thing that could happen.

In the end, Andi didn’t get a positive from her dad or from her mom or from her sister, so I still think there’s no fucking way Andi is winning this show. She’s a potential-less red herring. Although, she does call Juan Pablo an asshole tonight, so that’s good.

RENEE

Off to the budding metropolis of Sarasota, Florida! WOOOOOO!!! Well, this solves the question as to how Renee went from blonde white chick to possible blonde Chilean mistress in the span of a week’s time on vacation because she’s always tanning in her regular life.

There’s nothing really to do in Sarasota, Florida outside of Juan Pablo meeting Renee’s son – Ben. So, let’s cut right to Juan Pablo’s AWKWARD AS FUCK touching of Ben. Errr… like he didn’t “touch” Ben, but he was just like touching him way too much. Like get your hands off my kid. It’s already weird that your hands can never leave any of these chicks bodies for a second, but stop being handsy with the small boy who is happy to see his mother for the first time in 2 months and can’t look you in the eye because you’re a creep South American who is macking on all these women including this kid’s one and only parent. I’m assuming the dad is out of the picture? I think that’s a correct assumption. I’ve heard of stipulations in custody cases where the other parent can stop the other parent from having a new boyfriend/girlfriend around their kid, so I’m not too sure Renee’s ex if he was in the picture would be at all ok with the TV show guy touching his kid and Renee for all the world to see.

We get to meet Ben for a minute, he is forced to play baseball in front of America, we meet Renee’s mom and dad and brother and who cares! She goes home! Fucking Juan Pablo kicks her off the show in the end. Why even waste everyone’s time like this? Seriously, he sent Carmela… no, Cassandra home because he didn’t want to get weird with her kid and then he just does that with Renee. Like everything is super cool until he meets the kid and it’s over? Is that it, Juan Pablo? You had a much better evening at Renee’s house than Andi’s. The major difference is that Renee had a kid. Was Renee’s kid not good enough? Andi’s family didn’t think Andi and Juan Pablo were a good match, but he keeps Andi. Renee’s family is totes cool with Juan Pablo, but he dumps her once he meets her kid. So, guess what?! Juan Pablo is a complete asshole. Oh wait! WE KNEW THAT!

Finally…

CLARE

Uhhhhhhhhhh… what the fuck is going on with Clare’s sister Laura? And… for fuck’s sake…

STOP SAYING MOMMA!!!!!!!!!

By the way, I’m going to call her Momma because I feel like there’s even money that if I type out “mama” 5x in a row and publish this to the internet that the forest demon lady from that crappy movie will capture Coco and I on our next walk, so it’s MOMMA from now on.

Momma this! Momma that! Momma was every fucking other word out of these fucking women’s mouths! MAYBE SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR A SECOND A SECOND!!! AND YOU CAN GIVE MOMMA A CHANCE TO SAY WHAT SHE THINKS!!!!

Oh wait… when Momma finally does get a chance to talk to Juan Pablo, you know what she says? How’s the fucking weather in Venezuela?!

HOW’S THE FUCKING WEATHER IN VENEZUELA?!?!??!?!?!?!

THAT’S WHAT MOMMA WANTS TO KNOW FROM THE IDIOT BOX LATINO WHO IS POSSIBLY GOING TO MARRY HER YOUNGEST DAUGHTER ON NATIONAL TELEVISION AS PART OF A GAME SHOW?!!??!?!?!?!?! HOW’S THE FUCKING WEATHER IN VENEZUELA?!?!?! GOOGLE IT, YOU OLD BITCH!!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!?!?!?! THE VENEZUELAN WEATHER?!?!?!?! IT’S FUCKING VENEZUELA!!! IT’S FUCKING HOT, YOU DAFT OLD BITCH WHO CLEARLY DIDN’T USE CONDOMS OR BIRTH CONTROL OR HAD HER HUSBAND PULL OUT ONCE IN A DECADE BECAUSE SHE’S GOT A MOTHERFUCKING HAREM OF DAUGHTERS!!! WHAT THE SHIT! AND IS CLARE FUCKING ADOPTED OR WHAT BECAUSE SHE’S HOT AND THE REST OF THESE BROADS ARE ON THE LOW SIDE OF MEH!!! WHAT THE SHIT IS GOING ON?!?!?! VENEZUELA IS RIGHT NEAR THE FUCKING EQUATOR!!! DOES MOMMA NOT KNOW THE FUCKING EQUATOR?!?!?!? ANYTHING BY THE EQUATOR IS FUCKING HOT!! IT’S FUCKING HOT, MOMMA!!! IT’S HOT!!!!

You-Jee-Aych!

Truly, Momma did ask Juan Pablo — in Spanish — what the climate was like in Venezuela and Juan Pablo responded in his shitty Spanish — seriously, he does not speak Spanish any better than I do! — that Venezuela had a tropical climate because it fucking does and Momma should have already known that because it’s by the motherfucking equator.

Besides Momma, two things happened during Clare’s segment.

1. Juan Pablo shoved his fucking tongue down Clare’s throat the second he fucking saw her.

2. Clare has an ugly ass troll sister who tried to ruin Clare’s relationship with Juan Pablo for no specific reason than to do it and because she’s fucking crazy and ugly. She’s so ugly she drove herself crazy. I will say that Clare acted like a rational human being during all of her crazy sister’s exploits, but flat out asking her over and over, “what are you doing?” Because a sane person totally would want to know why/what she was doing. For the first few minutes of Momma, I thought Momma was mute or lost her ability to speak because of a curse possibly from the gypsy fat ugly daughter she had named Laura or she didn’t speak English at all. Actually, she seemed to get along just fine once Laura went inside to make a voodoo doll out of Clare’s flaxen hair or whatever she was doing.

One thing that totally didn’t happen…

We didn’t see that fucking dead dad DVD. Honestly, I’m pretty bummed we didn’t see that DVD that would absolutely have been the CRINGE WORTHIEST moment in TV history.

END

As mentioned, Juan Pablo kicked Renee off because he’s cool with the double standard of forcing his kid on other women and not the other way around.

Now, we’ve got Clare whose boobs looked EEnormous at the rose ceremony, Nikki who is a mess, and Andi who is definitely not going to be picked.

Can’t wait for tonight’s episode. Clare, Nikki, and Andi are all shown crying.

What I think happens is that he fucks one of them and then they find out. Nikki is shown as a huge fucking mess just crying and crying. And, Andi is shown furious and yelling at Juan Pablo for being an asshole when he’s saying he’s being honest. And, he can’t keep his hands off of Clare, so I think he raw dogs Clare and the other two find out and it’s a shit storm.

Howdy folks!

I hope everyone had a good/great weekend. I know I did!

What did I do?

Well to start, I ate a classy ass dinner on Friday night. Took m’lady out to a fine dining establishment where you get dressed up to eat at to celebrate her promotion. Yerp. I’m sharing my bed with a director now. A director! We ate some fancy foods, drank some fancy drinks, and then came home to play with our dog and watch a marathon of “Cops” because that’s how you cap off a classy ass dinner.

Saturday? We went grocery shopping, we played with Coco, we cooked short ribs for dinner, we drank some gin & tonics, and we watched the UFC fights, which included the most exciting fighter in the UFC – “Rowdy” Ronda Rousey – doing her thing one more time. Seriously, Ronda’s the best. She’s always attacking to win regardless of what is happening and it is non-stop. She’s absolutely amazing.

Sunday? We enjoyed the nice weather, we ate a nice breakfast, we made the beast with two backs, we started watching the second season of House of Cards (ZOE!), and we watched True Detective, we made delicious cheese steaks for the first time.

About the only bad thing that happened this weekend was watching “The Walking Dead”, which is hands down the worst television show that I force myself to watch.

And, the quiet MVP of the weekend was pomegranate seltzer. Seriously, I was sipping on that stuff like it was going out of style… which it probably is or maybe is coming back into style because I’m making it come back. I couldn’t drink a glass of seltzer water to save my life when I was 10 years old. Now, I’m wondering how cost effective it is to drink a bottle of pomegranate seltzer everyday. Pretty cost effective considering I think it was like 50 cents a bottle.

ANYWAY!

Also on Sunday…

I LAUGHED MY ASS OFF!!!!!

If you ever wanted to see/hear me laugh my ass off until I cried and wanted that to go on for like 15 minutes then TODAY is your lucky day!

This coming Saturday is the The Ultimate Fighter finale for the first season in China. CHINA!

The UFC hasn’t aired any of the episodes yet online or on TV for us viewers, but it has been on TV over there. I’m going to have to write an obligatory article for the finale that won’t require me to actually watch the show, but out of curiosity I wanted to see what happened on the show, so I went over to my friend and yours WIKIPEDIA!!!!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Ultimate_Fighter:_China

So, I started reading the wiki page and I started laughing a little to myself while reading the recap of the first episode when it says that Cung Le (a UFC fighter who is acting as the host/boss of the show instead of UFC president Dana White) puts the weight of this country’s future – all 1.3 billion of them – on these guys’ shoulders on how they do on this show. Generally speaking, on the US TUF, if you don’t act like a complete asshole and do something illegal then you’ll probably be ok. For the most part, all you need to do is show you have some skills and that you actually want to fight and that you’re not a complete douchebag and you’ll be a-ok.

Then I started reading the second episode… and that’s when I started losing it. The from bad to worse to even WORSE to completely broken spirit to off the show – story of Li Jinyang had me just dying laughing. I was laughing so hard that I thought I might want to record this because it’s so ridiculous. I then read the rest of the wikipedia page while recording my reaction, which is me just laying on my side on the couch and every once and a while coming to the verge of death from laughing so hard.

So, enjoy that.

In BACHELOR NEWS!!!!

There are two episodes this week. There’s one tonight and one tomorrow night. One of them is the famed HOMETOWNS episode where creepy ass Juan Pablo gets to go home with the gals and see how much their family did not support them in going on this show. Also, there’s the FANTASY SUITES which is when Juan Pablo asks the girls to come to bed with him and fuck and ABC/DISNEY listens in to it.

And, it appears that all the girls cry and cry and cry whether dealing with their families or having sex with Juan Pablo, so this should be great television.

I’m guessing only one girl will get kicked off this week since we’re down to only 4 girls, and I think I would be fucking surprised if that girl wasn’t Andi.

If one girl gets kicked off, it’s Andi.

If two girls get kicked off, it’s Andi and some other girl.

Andi is not appearing in next week’s episode in my opinion.

The preview shows Andi’s dad being 100% against Juan Pablo, so that can’t be good. Plus, Andi and Juan Pablo will never work. She did go on a tear against NERDS(!!!)!)!)!)!)!(!((!)!) last week, but this girl seriously can’t be dating or marrying a non-English speaking dumbass. She can easily find an English speaking dumbass to date/marry in Atlanta.

I think it’s going to come down to Nikki and Clare in the end.

Anywhatzzle!

I love you.

I hope you had a great weekend.

Howdy!

YES! BREAKING NEWS, INDEED!

Kristen Chenoweth & Kristen Bell hybrid clone – CHELSIE – revealed/confirmed that JUAN PABLO is NOT an INTELLECTUAL.

But before I get to last night’s incredibly emotional episode of THE BACHELOR!!!! … let me first just say…

I went to a wedding in Massachusetts this past weekend and, yes, I survived the snowstormy blizzard up there as well as the ones in New Jersey. I’m INVINCIBLE! Remember that? From GOLDEN EYE? Right? Whatever. Ok, so I went to a wedding, I wore pseudo-suit (separate suit pants, a somewhat matching blazer, and a shirt & tie), Danielle looked lovely in her sophisticated sexy dress, I drank approximately 16 Amstel Lights because that was the random-ish drink of choice, and I danced for the first time this year. Yes! DANCED! Or whatever it is that I’m doing when I’m out on the dance floor letting those smooth and tender beats enter my ear holes and bring my feet to life or to a shuffle that goes back and forth where I try to think of something not completely awkward to do with my hands.

I “danced”, which is really the only thing that you’re supposed to do at weddings and I’m not really sure where else you dance unless you go to gay bars. Gay bars and weddings, so let’s cut out the middle man and get us some gay weddings… woooo!!! Ok, so dancing. It’s not like these weddings are being run by Girl Talk or Lady Gaga, but you’re supposed to dance like Calvin Harris has loaded you up with E all for one reason… FIDELITY! WOOO!!! I’m going to dance my dick off because these two lovely people were in church before exchanging rings and now it’s time to dance because they’re never going to need to do online dating ever again!!! WOOO!!! I get it. That is something to celebrate, just saying, it’s kind of weird.

My sister is now getting married at this time next year and that will be some really awkward ass dancing. Whether you’re taking that as AWKWARD ass dancing or awkward ASS DANCING either way… it’s going to be really uncomfortable.

ANYWAY…

JUAN PABLO = NOT INTELLECTUAL

I’m sure we all came to that conclusion at the end of hour 1 during the first episode of this season, but Chelsie, naive and bubbly Chelsie, presented her thesis that Juan Pablo is in fact NOT an intellectual at the beginning of last night’s episode and the response was amazing…

ALL THE GIRLS AGREED… WERE TOTALLY FINE WITH IT… CLEARLY, ADMITTED THEY DID NOT WANT A MAN THAT COULD BE CONFUSED WITH BEING AN INTELLECTUAL… PROCEEDED TO SHIT-TALK INTELLECTUALS BY CALLING THEM “NERDS”!!!!!! 

Is this how women really are? Like the bad guys in every 80’s movie calling dudes “nerds”? NERDS?! So, to these dopey bitches, a man who speaks English fluently and can engage them in a conversation that has more meat to it than “how are you?” – that man is a NERD! NERDS!!!

The reason this was brought up was because Sharleen was hurling herself around their Miami hotel suite’s balconies crying like Lady Macbeth. And, the other girls were where ever Sharleen wasn’t and Chelsie was leading the charge explaining that Sharleen isn’t that into Juan Pablo because Juan Pablo isn’t like the other men Sharleen has supposedly dated and those other men are “intellectuals”.

WHICH! Andi jumped in on… Andi a District Attorney for the city of Atlanta, supposedly… Andi jumped on “intellectuals” and said “nerds”. NERDS! First off, fuck you, Andi. Secondly, all the girls nodded with disgust at the idea of “intellectuals/nerds”. So, all of them would not want an intellectual – fully admitting they would not want to marry an intellectual man. AMAZING. That’s a “science educator” in Chelsie, a district attorney in Andi, a hairdresser in Clare, and a mother with a son of her own in Renee who does not want to marry an intellectual man to help raise her son and possibly have more children with. PHENOMENAL.

Meanwhile, Nikki is off at Juan Pablo’s daughter’s dance recital where she wore about two inch long jean shorts to meet Juan Pablo’s daughter, parents, and his ex/mother of the daughter. Hey, Nikki, maybe you might want to get dressed before you go meet this guy’s whole fucking family. Also, if Juan Pablo picks Nikki then in less than 2 months will Nikki and Clara, the ex/baby’s momma, get into a legit cat fight. Maybe if Juan Pablo was an “intellectual” he could see that coming a mile away, but he fucking can’t because he’s a big dummy. Also, there is no mention of this date with Nikki or Nikki meeting Juan Pablo’s daughter or family at no point later in the episode, which just fucking weird. Did that even happen? How did Nikki not rub that in Clare’s face that she was Camilla’s new mommy and not Clare?

Back to Sharleen because most of this episode was dedicated to Sharleen.

Sharleen spent an afternoon and evening making out in that weird forehead first, lips second kissing that she does with Juan Pablo. Literally, she doesn’t kiss like a normal human being. My hypothesis(s) for this is one of three reasons…

1. VIRGIN – Sharleen is a straight-up virgin. She doesn’t know how to kiss like a normal person because she’s got little to no experience doing it. She’s spent her whole life singing opera and traveling the world and has been waiting for that perfect someone to sully her vagina’s purity and it really hasn’t happened. So, she’s completely awkward sexually.

2. BEING ON THIS SHOW IS ALL FUCKING WEIRD – Maybe Sharleen really can’t handle how fucking weird it is that she’s making a prostitute of herself as well as throwing herself at a prostitute in front of America’s watching eyes. Maybe that’s what is really throwing her off. There are camera men a foot from her, millions of people will be seeing this, and he’s simply some un-intellectual dude who looks good without a shirt on and she’s all drunk on wine and is sitting in front of him for the sole purpose of throwing herself at him and all he clearly cares about is probing her holes and it’s an uncomfortable experience for her and with that her ability to kiss is getting perverted into this forehead rubbing, nose-smashing activity where their mouths need to hunt for each others amongst all this heavy breathing… it’s just weird and you need to see it with your own eyes to fully understand what the shit is happening.

3. THAT’S HOW THEY DO IT IN GERMANY – I’ve never been and she’s from there, so maybe?

4. TWILIGHT – Obviously! Sharleen is clearly Bella and Juan Pablo is the shimmering Ted… errr … Ed… and she doesn’t know how to kiss because she thought the dumb kissing they do it that movie is what actually kissing is.

After a night of face sucking, Sharleen waffles back and forth deciding whether or not she really sees a future with Juan Pablo, which did have a HILARIOUS moment in their date when Juan Pablo asked about him meeting her parents and Sharleen clearly being 100% uncomfortable with that happening. It’s exactly the reaction that Sharleen would have if she were dating “Magic Mike”. Like, what do you do for a job Magic Mike? UHHHH!!! DON’T ANSWER THAT, SWEETIE, BECAUSE YOU’RE A MALE STRIPPER… whoops!

Once Sharleen sees how excited the other bitches are about taking Juan Pablo to their hometown and Sharleen admitting how much she would not enjoy taking Juan Pablo to her hometown, Sharleen EXITS THE TV SHOW.

Kind of thought Sharleen was all talk. Good for her for leaving the show knowing how fucking unlikely it would be for her and Juan Pablo to work. He doesn’t speak English, he’s an idiot, and he’s got a kid. Sharleen leaves. I will say Sharleen had a fantastic looking episode to leave on. Even during all of her crying… there was a lot of crying… she looked pretty excellent during all of it. Like I’ve said before, it’s like 75% or so of an episode where Sharleen looks good and then there’s 25% of an episode where she looks like she lost a fight via full body rug burn.

Either way, I’m betting Sharleen is the next The Bachelorette. There’s so much mystery! She could have won the show, but she was the one who left. Plus, she can cry with the best of them and loves sucking face and she can take these dopes around Europe or whatever.

Back to the bitches who stayed, if you were wondering what’s up with Renee… well… besides getting a pretty sick tan – NOTHING NEW HAPPENS WITH RENEE. Like NOTHING. You don’t even see Renee have a single second of conversation with Juan Pablo at any point throughout the episode. She listens to Sharleen as Sharleen cries and she’s got a new tan. That’s it for Renee.

Andi doesn’t have anything new happen with her either besides her leading the charge against nerds. NERDS!!!!!

Nikki, as mentioned, actually met Juan Pablo’s family, which is huge, but they never talk about it after it happens, so it feels like it didn’t even happen. The only thing we really learned from all that is that Juan Pablo’s ex is a brunette and that Juan Pablo is a terrible driver as he was shown cutting off someone on a Miami road while not using his blinker. Sweet!

Nikki has a pretty melodramatic confrontation with Clare as well. Ugh, you don’t like each other… big fucking deal.

Clare wasn’t in much of the episode for the first time. She talked shit on Nikki and that’s kind of it.

OH FUCK!

Nevermind… Clare did have one FUCKING AMAZING MOMENT – which I kind of forgot about for a second…

So, Clare and Juan Pablo are having this one on one time and that of course means it is time for Clare to have the obligatory conversation about her dead dad withJuan Pablo. This dead dad discussion added a new detail that Clare’s dad filmed himself before he died leaving her a secret message for her once she finds the man of her dreams and he locked it in a fault. WHO WAS CLARE’S DAD? Nicolas Cage from National Treasure?! Or Nicolas Cage from being Nicolas Cage?! A secret message from beyond the grave locked in a vault until she brings some golden man home to pledge his allegiance to her for eternity? Does Clare belong to a cult? Is Clare’s last night L. Ron Hubbard? WHAT THE FUCK?!

So, yeah, Clare’s got a dead dad DVD waiting for dumbass Juan Pablo. BONER TOWN! WOOO!!!

And then, there’s Chelsie. Poor, sweet, innocent, big breasted Chelsie.

So, Chelsie really hadn’t done much with Juan Pablo until last week. She got one of the first 1 on 1 dates, but not much happened on it. They kissed. But she spent most of the time in fear for her life about jumping off a bridge. Which now that I think of it, a lot of these “dates” have these women scared to death and then that segues right into making out. Either Juan Pablo is a fucking genius or he & Disney are highly perverted and I really think it’s the latter because we know Juan Pablo is not an intellectual. Hey, is it normal to make a girl cry and then immediately force your tongue down her throat? TOTES NORMAL.

Chelsie more or less yelled at Juan Pablo to put a baby in her at the end of last week’s episode to keep her on the show. This week, Chelsie got a hot minute alone with Juan Pablo to show him her… letters! WOOOOO!!!! CHELSIE’S SEXY FUCKING LETTERS FROM HER PARENTS!!! If you didn’t already think Chelsie is a sheltered youngin’ then her having a stack of letters from her parents as if she went to sleepaway camp certainly helped distinguish the huge age/experience gap between her and Juan Pablo.

Seriously, Chelsie wants to be simply be a stay-at-home mom for some nice and good looking guy and, apparently, those don’t exist in Columbus, Ohio. Or since she’s 24, she’s probably just on the other end of her jager bomb early 20’s and now wants a normal good guy, but is still too crazy to realize you don’t go on The Bachelor to find that guy.

Sharleen exited and that means Juan Pablo had to say goodbye to one chick and that chick was, of course, Chelsie. Sorry, Chelsie. You were easily the most adorable of the girls on the show and I’m sure you can find a good guy to put a baby in you if you take a second and breath and realize that the Bachelor is not the place to meet guys.

Next week… HOMETOWNS!!!!!

And… APPARENTLY, NOTHING GOOD HAPPENS!!!

In the preview for next week’s two episodes, all four girls are shown hysterically crying at one point or another. So much crying this season and so many bikinis. Andi’s dad is shown telling Juan Pablo that he doesn’t trust him because he’s kissing on all these other girls, which makes 100% sense. Andi is shown thinking that maybe her and Juan Pablo won’t work after all. Meanwhile, Clare is shown with some ugly older sister of hers telling Clare that she won’t let Clare manipulate their mother into like Juan Pablo. Is it just me or is Clare Cinderella? Right? She’s got these witchy older sisters keeping her down and she’s got the random man of her dreams? I bet that’s how Clare literally views herself.

Andi is shown crying, Clare is shown crying, Nikki is shown crying, and Renee is shown crying. SUH-WEET!!!!

Honestly, I think Juan Pablo should get back together with his ex and simply consider “The Bachelor” his “bachelor party”.

 

Whaddup…

I hope life is treating you right and all the boys are gossiping about how good your butt looks today, you know respectful like tho.

I did need to drop by and post something quick just in case you missed it on the interwebz today.

THE WANTESS Kristen Bethany* Stewart has given the world a poem! A poem that she wrote herself! And for some reason read to Marie Claire magazine. Probably because she’s some angel of realness and she WANTED to do IT. Anyway… here it is… from the lips of Kristen Stewart and later transcribed by some underpaid intern…

My Heart Is A Wiffle Ball/Freedom Pole

I reared digital moonlight
You read its clock, scrawled neon across that black
Kismetly…ubiquitously crest fallen
Thrown down to strafe your foothills
…I’ll suck the bones pretty.
Your nature perforated the abrasive organ pumps
Spray painted everything known to man,
Stream rushed through and all out into
Something Whilst the crackling stare down sun snuck
Through our windows boarded up
He hit your flint face and it sparked.

And I bellowed and you parked
We reached Marfa.
One honest day up on this freedom pole
Devils not done digging
He’s speaking in tongues all along the pan handle
And this pining erosion is getting dust in
My eyes
And I’m drunk on your morsels
And so I look down the line
Your every twitch hand drum salute
Salutes mine…

Right?! TOTALLY!!!

So, I have one question. A question that I’m sure you’re all wondering. A question that I believe will eat at my brain not knowing the answer.

WHO THE FUCK IS MARFA?!

or

WHAT THE FUCK IS A MARFA?!

Right?! TOTES MCGOTES!!

So, I’d pay $25 American to hear Kristen Stewart say “Marfa” in her natural semi-stammered typical speech pattern then have Kristen Stewart say “Marfa” again in an exaggerated blues-y Southern accent, which I would then make my ringtone.

MARFA!!!!!! AHHHHHHH!!! MARFA!!!!

Anyway…

Kristen Stewart’s poetry wants IT.

*I know her middle name isn’t Bethany, which is slightly insane in its own way

WHADDUP?!?!?!??!!?!?!

It’s my one post of the week!

In case you’re wondering, I am still writing my retinas bloody for the UFC, so I really only have time to write this one post a week because I made some weird oath of nothing to a demon lord to watch this God forsaken television show and then write about it for you(?).

Before I talk this latest episode of the Bachelor, which was more or less Juan Pablo sucking face with the girls like a horny weasel that kind of knows how to French kiss… LET’S TALK THE OLYMPICS!!!!

I have three things to say…

1. THE WINTER OLYMPICS ARE DUMB. Yep. They’re fucking DUUUUUUMMMMBBBB! Why would you ever try to do anything of these once let alone dedicate your life to moguls. MOGULS?! Moguls look like the least fun thing ever. And these snowboarders don’t have their own “language” – they’re BRAIN DEAD! Either from all the pot they smoke OR from all the TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURIES they’ve suffered. Seriously, did you not see “The Crash Reel”?! Their brains are more scrambled than the NBC execs who are keeping Bob Costas on the air…

2. BOB COSTAS IS DISGUSTING. Yep. What type of perverse Winter Olympics coverage is NBC producing with a diseased man as the face of it? It’s just WEIRD and fucking GROSS. Get that overpaid fuck wit off the TV. Costas is a horrible sports “broadcaster” as he is not engaging, he’s not good at interviewing, he’s pompous, and he does not sound anymore knowledgeable about what is occurring than local TV news anchor who is simply reading off of the prepared prompter script. GET HIM OFF THE FUCKING TV! HIS INFLAMED EYES ARE GOING TO START THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE! Seriously, he’s had pink eye since at least Thursday and it’s GETTING WORSE. Not better, but WORSE! We’re watching “Outbreak” or the more topical “Contagion” host the Winter Olympics. It’s fucking creepy and unethical.

3. THIS!

THIS IS THE GREATEST THING THAT HAS OR COULD POSSIBLY EVER HAPPEN AT THE WINTER OLYMPICS!!!!!

That is Shiva Keshavan and he is an Indian luger for the Independent Countries or whatever and he was going around the luge, the stupid ass luge, and not doing particularly well UNTIL he fell off the luge and went face first into the icy luge track and that’s when he was doing terrible, BUT like a fucking miracle from the beautiful Saint Antony – the patron saint of lost causes, which is literally EVERYONE at the Winter Olympics including an Indian man off his luge and on the luge track – the Indian dude FUCKING GETS BACK ON THE LUGE… blind! He BLINDLY GRABS the luge and ends up back on it AND RIDES THE REST OF THE STUPID RACE TO THE FINISH.

GIVE THAT MAN ALL THE FUCKING GOLD MEDALS BECAUSE HE’S THE BEST AND EVERYONE ELSE NEEDS TO GET A FUCKING LIFE!

Anyway… let’s talk about Juan Pablo killing Cassandra, ok?

THE BACHELOR IS WEIRD.

After leaving Vietnam, complete dirtbag idiot Juan Pablo takes his “how are you?” “girls” to New Zealand!

WOOOOOO!!!! And, yes, Juan Pablo and the girls visit The Shire set from The Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit because there is apparently nothing else to do in New Zealand whatsoever…

… oh wait- you can throw sheep shit at each other while wearing swimsuits because that’s something that happened. THAT’S SOMETHING THIS JACKASS DID!

So, the show starts off with Andi getting the first 1-on-1 date. If you forget who Andi is then that’s cool because I’m sure everyone else has as well. Andi is the brunette DA from Atlanta who is simply too hot to be a DA in Atlanta, which we know this because she told us.

Andi and JP take a river boat to some swamp to some rock formation that they squeezed through to get to some tiny waterfall that was more or less the size of your average shower so they could make out in swimsuits. Remember when Juan Pablo said he wouldn’t kiss the girls because it would send his daughter the wrong message about Daddy clearly being a misogynist and treating women like sex objects and not as people… WELL… Fuck his stupid daughter and her moral hang-ups because Juan Pablo is tongue-fucking EVERYBODY.

I will say that I gained a lot of respect for Andi in this episode. Not because of anything she said because everything she says is fucking idiotic just like everyone on this show including Juan Pablo who I do not believe is literate beyond a 4th grading reading level in either English or Spanish. No, the respect is for Andi’s decision to wear a one-piece bathing suit. It’s just a unique decision as all the girls except for her and Sharleen are wearing bikinis. I totes love bikinis, but I’m just saying it showed a big of variety for Andi. She’s bland and crazy like the rest, but she owns a one-piece. SHE’S SO DIFFERENT!

Andi is the first of many make-out sessions for Juan Pablo on last night’s episode. He made out with Andi, he made out with Nikki a couple times, he made out with Clare, and he made out with Sharleen. And it was all disgusting. Listening to people kiss is fucking gross. Maybe a few seconds is ok, but after 10 seconds it sounds like an old toothless man gumming a chewy steak. It’s awful.

I had a gay roommate my freshman year of college. Actually, I had two gay roommates my freshman year of college, but I’m speaking of the one and not the other. Anyway, the one gay roommate who would come out of the closet later in life – could be either of them still at this point – who had a girlfriend at the time we were roommates – ok that narrows it down. Sorry…

I had a gay roommate my freshman year of college who had a girlfriend. She was quite cute and had big boobs, but he didn’t really want anything to do with her boobs or her butt or her vagina that she was throwing at him. All he was comfortable doing was kissing her because he was gay and just hadn’t admitted it to her or himself at that point. So, she thought she had this college boyfriend who was from California and loved to shop at the mall and buy shoes that she could also kiss and have sex with, but the problem was that he was gay and he was ok with kissing as long as it went no further than that. So, the two of them would kiss and kiss and kiss and kiss and kiss and I would leave the room, but then comeback and need to grab something or do work or something and the two of them would just make them wet sucking sound of someone trying to soften food by soaking it in their saliva and it was nearly vomit inducing.

Anyway… that’s what the Bachelor was like last night.

NEXT! JP went on a group date with the gals not named Andi or Clare where they got in big inflatable balls and rolled down hills in them while wearing swimsuits. Sharleen wore a white one piece with cut outs at her sides and long fringe coming down from her plunging neck line. So, there’s that. I kind of go back and forth on how good looking I think Sharleen is. Sometimes she looks incredible and other times she looks like a dope. Just saying.

I think I missed the part where Cassandra the 21 year old former NBA dancer who is a mother of a child that I’m guessing is one of those NBA-ers had a heart to heart with Jennifer Aniston’s sister look-a-like Renee who is 32 I think and is a mother. The two of them were just sobbing about not being able to find a man and at the same time wanting to be a great mother and they were drinking wine and they’re both pretty attractive and if the two of them just leaned over and started lesbian sexing it would have been the highest grossing porno of the year.

I can’t remember the time tables exactly, but at some point JP kicks Cassandra off the show on her birthday. Yeah. So, it’s Cassandra’s birthday and at no point does JP say happy birthday to her or take her out on the 1-on-1 date for it or anything because he’s a fucking dirtbag. Instead, he takes Cassandra aside, like 30 minutes after she confessed to him that she’s willing to love him forever and ever, and he kicks her off the show siting he doesn’t feel shit for her. So, he takes Cassandra out of the house unexpectedly with all the other girls around, he’s gone for 20 minutes, and then returns alone and announces “Say goodbye to Cassandra”. WHAT?!

1. They can’t say goodbye because she’s fucking already gone, you Venezuelan fuck! So much for whatever relationships they may have made with Cassandra that they’re not given the opportunity to say goodbye to her.

2. I guess they’re assuming she’s not dead, right? Like they didn’t hear a gun shot like he didn’t tie Cassandra to a tree and put her out of her misery like Old Yeller. But he could’ve totally pushed her off some cliff face or something. I wouldn’t trust JP to hold my dog’s poop let alone trust him to understand that he doesn’t have to kill these girls and that they can leave the show healthy to find a guy who isn’t going to impregnate them and then leave them like the last chick he was with.

3. So, he can just kick girls off the show whenever he wants? I’m sure that doesn’t make the girls that much crazier than they already were.

Then JP had an AWKWARD date with Clare. That happened. In the last episode, JP tried to slut-shame Clare for “forcing” him into a late night swim where he rubbed his boner on her and made out with her. What a fucking cunt Clare is, right? This date was more or less spent with JP being an arrogant dumb fuck with his stupid 50 words of English trying to explain that he treated Clare like shit more or less to rope this crazy bitch in even more as part of some mind control thing he has on her and to keep her in her place. The only thing I know about dealing with women is from my favorite documentary ever “The Great Happiness Space” which is about Japanese male escorts for the most part and they explain that at first you praise the chick and give her compliments and show her affection. Then you take them down a peg by talking about how immature they are and try to establish yourself as a daddy figure. Then they’re fucking insane and in love with you forever when you show them affection again. So, that’s what JP is doing.

Then like some scene out of The Jersey Shore, JP has Clare dress in his sweatpants like “The Situation” used to do and he says it’s sexier than when she wears sexy dresses. And yes, that’s when Clare should have ran from the house crying and screaming.

Back to the other girls… well… since Andi got her rose we haven’t seen her. Sharleen got a rose. Clare got a rose. Whose left? Renee, Nikki, Kat, Chelsie. They quickly realize that Renee and Nikki are safe and it’s really a toss up between Kat and Chelsie, so that’s when these two broads decide to have their crazy 1 on 1 time with JP to have a breakdown in front of him.

CHELSIE – She just starts vomitting up how much she wants kids and a family and she dumped her last boyfriend because he wasn’t sure if that’s what he wanted right then and there and that’s understandable because he was probably TWENTY FOUR because she’s TWENTY FOUR. Either way, the small town Columbus gal with her young Kristen Chenoweth-ness just is spewing this PUT A BABY IN ME NOW IF THAT’S WHAT YOU WANT AND I’LL STAY INSIDE THE HOUSE AND LOVE YOU FOREVER – PICK ME! So, that’s cool, right?

KAT – The first time the two of them got to talk in one of these 1 on 1’s Kat started telling JP her sob story of growing up without a dad. A dad who was a bad guy who abandoned her family when she was young. So, what do you think she told JP about when she got her second 1 on 1 alone time? You guessed it! Her shitty dad! Hey, JP, did I tell you about my shitty dad?! HE WAS SHITTY. Doesn’t that make you want to marry me?! I’m sure Kat’s got some uniqueness to her. She can dance really well like a stripper. But for the most part, she’s like Clare, but she doesn’t let JP drag his tongue all over her like Clare does. I mean Kat has daddy issues and Clare has daddy issues. Kat has fake boobs and Clare has fake boobs. Kat’s are bigger, but Clare’s are almost always in JP’s hands. They also dye their hair blonde and look like they would be a handful in the crazy department.

So… Juan Pablo kicks Kat off the show. Probably because he only needs one chick with fake boobs and daddy issues. And he certainly doesn’t need a spare one who hasn’t taken to allowing him to shove his tongue down her throat all the time. In the end, we learned little about Kat minus she had a shitty dad, she has big fake boobs, and she can dance like Demi Moore in “Striptease”.

Meanwhile, Sharleen falls to pieces seeing Kat leave and then threatens in her confessional that she may quit the show next week.

Unless Chelsie gives Juan Pablo head during their next group or 1-on-1 date, I’m imagining she’s gone. I don’t know how many girls need to go each episode, but if it’s two girls then Chelsie is gone. If it’s just one and Sharleen backs out then Chelsie stays.

I could see Nikki going soon because she’s annoying and brings nothing to the table.

I could see Andi going because she’s a brunette and, honestly, I cannot imagine she would put up with his inability to understand English much longer.

And there’s that! I think Renee should be the next season of The Bachelorette.

I love you!?!?!?!

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