The Bachelor – episode 5 – Thank God, Kelly is GONE-ZO!!!!

February 4, 2014

SERIOUSLY!!! SHE PROVIDED NOTHING!!!!

Nothing, but un-understanding to me as she listed her occupations as “dog lover” and I’ve checked that you cannot make a living to do as such, so she’s simply a liar. Also, she seemed like an idiot. Also also, she kind of had a bobble-head and a pig nose, and I really don’t care if I sound like a “mean girl (man)” because there had got to be at least one better chick who applied for The Bachelor who would have been at least 1% compatible with Juan Pablo … and I know that’s not her fault, but ABC’s and Juan Pablo’s – but Elise at least had huge boobs and was crazy for kids and crazy and I’m done.

Whaddup!

Sorry for the spoilers right at the top of the post, but today’s post will not be a long one as I am taking a 15 minute break from writing about fights to just do what I promised and that’s bitch about The Bachelor once a week.

Last night’s episode was uninspiring as far as the activities and such, but was pretty excellent as far as the slut factor. THE SLUT FACTOR WAS SO HIGH.

First up, they did go to Vietnam, so that happened. While Korea looked bad in last week’s episode, Vietnam came across as ok to beautiful to kind of sub-dued. There seemed to be no energy in Vietnam. Or electricity. I don’t know.

CLARE

So, Clare was the focus of much of the episode and of Juan Pablo’s molestation. Juan Pablo couldn’t stop kissing or touching Clare, which is understandable as she’s hot and throwing herself at him, but not understandable as he’s on a gameshow where he’s supposed to pay attention to other chicks and he keeps talking about not kissing the girls because his daughter will one day see the show and then it got really weird when JP tried to make Clare about to be the real ho bag by blaming all of the heavy petting on her, which resulted in Clare crying and saying “gurl-frand” a lot.

In the end, I kind of think that Clare and Juan Pablo are just angling to appear on more seasons of the Bachelor and Bachelorette with all of this “drama” and swimsuit modeling.

RENEE

The one who looks like Jennifer Aniston’s younger sister had a “romantic” one-on-one date with Juan Pablo where she was BEGGING for IT and JP wouldn’t give IT to her because he was probably all chaffed from fucking Clare in the ocean the night before. Either way, Renee is slow and steady taking over this show with all the positives and in the end she did get to kiss JP before the rose ceremony.

NIKKI

She sucks. Honestly, who the fuck is rooting for Nikki to win? She had a stupid 1 on 1 date with Juan Pablo, which did end with them kissing, but started with them doing some rock climbing rappelling and us finding out Nikki is crazy afraid of heights. This did take a funny turn as like with Chelsea’s bridge jumping date, JP implored that nothing bad would happen and for Nikki to trust him… TRUST HIM? I wouldn’t trust him. Dude met a chick, married her, had a kid with her, divorced her, and was ready to “look for love” on The Bachelor < 2 years. Fuck that noise. JP is untrustworthy.

ANDI

The Southern lawyer complained and complained and complained, but then made out on the beach with JP, so she’s cool-de-lah for like another 36 hours.

KAT

HAS ENORMOUS BOOBS! THEY’RE FUCKING ENORMOUS! GOOD GOD THEY’RE HUGE! HOLY LORD THEY’RE GIGANTIC!

CASSANDRA

Did nothing this episode.

CHELSIE

Did nothing, but cried a ton when Alli – who the Hell was Alli anyway? – got cut.

SHARLEEN

Wore some fucking outfits for fucking. When she made out on the beach with JP, Sharleen wore some flowing backless dress. Then when it came time to do the rose ceremony, Sharleen wore some hip hugging dressing that pumped up her boobs and pumped out her boot…y like BLAH-DOW! Also, Sharleen cried like puppies were being killed in front of her as the three nobodies were cut. And, in the preview for next week’s episode, SHOCKING Sharleen is crying again about not being sure her and JP are compatible. NO FUCKING WAY! Seriously, take a fucking hint from your fucking self! You don’t like him and you know he’s not right for you. Just enjoy the free vacations and continue to do your weird kissing and down the line – throw the ring back in the dimwits face and get your own The Bachelorette or just exit the show before the hometown visits to go back to doing opera.

Also, keep up your dress game, Sharleen. Last night, she was looking pretty great in her WANTING IT outfits.

IS THERE ANYONE ELSE?

Nope.

Danielle who was never shown talking to Juan Pablo as far as I remember got cut.

Alli who I think talked to Juan Pablo once or maybe not. I thought Alli was the chick who got cut in Korea, but I see that I was wrong about that. Whatever. Basically the same chick.

Kelly who I apparently hate got cut. I do not believe there was a single scene of Juan Pablo and Kelly interacting outside of that one time Kelly came downstairs to let her dog out to go to the bathroom and Juan Pablo was there in the kitchen cooking breakfast as a surprise and dumbass Kelly didn’t go over and say hello to him or anything and just took the dog out like a fucking goof and ran back up stairs like a fucking weirdo. Hey, idiot face! Why don’t you go over to the guy YOU’RE COMPETING FOR/SUPPOSEDLY IN LOVE WITH and fucking let him face fuck you or at least give him a hug and kiss and hang out with him as none of the other bitches are around!

Juan Pablo should’ve kicked her off the show the instant she left the room and the producers should have let Juan Pablo keep the dog.

Fuck Kelly.

I probably won’t post any time else this week, so I love you. BACK TO CAGE FIGHTS!

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