The Bachelor – episode 6 – Listening to people kiss is worse than the Holocaust

February 11, 2014

WHADDUP?!?!?!??!!?!?!

It’s my one post of the week!

In case you’re wondering, I am still writing my retinas bloody for the UFC, so I really only have time to write this one post a week because I made some weird oath of nothing to a demon lord to watch this God forsaken television show and then write about it for you(?).

Before I talk this latest episode of the Bachelor, which was more or less Juan Pablo sucking face with the girls like a horny weasel that kind of knows how to French kiss… LET’S TALK THE OLYMPICS!!!!

I have three things to say…

1. THE WINTER OLYMPICS ARE DUMB. Yep. They’re fucking DUUUUUUMMMMBBBB! Why would you ever try to do anything of these once let alone dedicate your life to moguls. MOGULS?! Moguls look like the least fun thing ever. And these snowboarders don’t have their own “language” – they’re BRAIN DEAD! Either from all the pot they smoke OR from all the TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURIES they’ve suffered. Seriously, did you not see “The Crash Reel”?! Their brains are more scrambled than the NBC execs who are keeping Bob Costas on the air…

2. BOB COSTAS IS DISGUSTING. Yep. What type of perverse Winter Olympics coverage is NBC producing with a diseased man as the face of it? It’s just WEIRD and fucking GROSS. Get that overpaid fuck wit off the TV. Costas is a horrible sports “broadcaster” as he is not engaging, he’s not good at interviewing, he’s pompous, and he does not sound anymore knowledgeable about what is occurring than local TV news anchor who is simply reading off of the prepared prompter script. GET HIM OFF THE FUCKING TV! HIS INFLAMED EYES ARE GOING TO START THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE! Seriously, he’s had pink eye since at least Thursday and it’s GETTING WORSE. Not better, but WORSE! We’re watching “Outbreak” or the more topical “Contagion” host the Winter Olympics. It’s fucking creepy and unethical.

3. THIS!

THIS IS THE GREATEST THING THAT HAS OR COULD POSSIBLY EVER HAPPEN AT THE WINTER OLYMPICS!!!!!

That is Shiva Keshavan and he is an Indian luger for the Independent Countries or whatever and he was going around the luge, the stupid ass luge, and not doing particularly well UNTIL he fell off the luge and went face first into the icy luge track and that’s when he was doing terrible, BUT like a fucking miracle from the beautiful Saint Antony – the patron saint of lost causes, which is literally EVERYONE at the Winter Olympics including an Indian man off his luge and on the luge track – the Indian dude FUCKING GETS BACK ON THE LUGE… blind! He BLINDLY GRABS the luge and ends up back on it AND RIDES THE REST OF THE STUPID RACE TO THE FINISH.

GIVE THAT MAN ALL THE FUCKING GOLD MEDALS BECAUSE HE’S THE BEST AND EVERYONE ELSE NEEDS TO GET A FUCKING LIFE!

Anyway… let’s talk about Juan Pablo killing Cassandra, ok?

THE BACHELOR IS WEIRD.

After leaving Vietnam, complete dirtbag idiot Juan Pablo takes his “how are you?” “girls” to New Zealand!

WOOOOOO!!!! And, yes, Juan Pablo and the girls visit The Shire set from The Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit because there is apparently nothing else to do in New Zealand whatsoever…

… oh wait- you can throw sheep shit at each other while wearing swimsuits because that’s something that happened. THAT’S SOMETHING THIS JACKASS DID!

So, the show starts off with Andi getting the first 1-on-1 date. If you forget who Andi is then that’s cool because I’m sure everyone else has as well. Andi is the brunette DA from Atlanta who is simply too hot to be a DA in Atlanta, which we know this because she told us.

Andi and JP take a river boat to some swamp to some rock formation that they squeezed through to get to some tiny waterfall that was more or less the size of your average shower so they could make out in swimsuits. Remember when Juan Pablo said he wouldn’t kiss the girls because it would send his daughter the wrong message about Daddy clearly being a misogynist and treating women like sex objects and not as people… WELL… Fuck his stupid daughter and her moral hang-ups because Juan Pablo is tongue-fucking EVERYBODY.

I will say that I gained a lot of respect for Andi in this episode. Not because of anything she said because everything she says is fucking idiotic just like everyone on this show including Juan Pablo who I do not believe is literate beyond a 4th grading reading level in either English or Spanish. No, the respect is for Andi’s decision to wear a one-piece bathing suit. It’s just a unique decision as all the girls except for her and Sharleen are wearing bikinis. I totes love bikinis, but I’m just saying it showed a big of variety for Andi. She’s bland and crazy like the rest, but she owns a one-piece. SHE’S SO DIFFERENT!

Andi is the first of many make-out sessions for Juan Pablo on last night’s episode. He made out with Andi, he made out with Nikki a couple times, he made out with Clare, and he made out with Sharleen. And it was all disgusting. Listening to people kiss is fucking gross. Maybe a few seconds is ok, but after 10 seconds it sounds like an old toothless man gumming a chewy steak. It’s awful.

I had a gay roommate my freshman year of college. Actually, I had two gay roommates my freshman year of college, but I’m speaking of the one and not the other. Anyway, the one gay roommate who would come out of the closet later in life – could be either of them still at this point – who had a girlfriend at the time we were roommates – ok that narrows it down. Sorry…

I had a gay roommate my freshman year of college who had a girlfriend. She was quite cute and had big boobs, but he didn’t really want anything to do with her boobs or her butt or her vagina that she was throwing at him. All he was comfortable doing was kissing her because he was gay and just hadn’t admitted it to her or himself at that point. So, she thought she had this college boyfriend who was from California and loved to shop at the mall and buy shoes that she could also kiss and have sex with, but the problem was that he was gay and he was ok with kissing as long as it went no further than that. So, the two of them would kiss and kiss and kiss and kiss and kiss and I would leave the room, but then comeback and need to grab something or do work or something and the two of them would just make them wet sucking sound of someone trying to soften food by soaking it in their saliva and it was nearly vomit inducing.

Anyway… that’s what the Bachelor was like last night.

NEXT! JP went on a group date with the gals not named Andi or Clare where they got in big inflatable balls and rolled down hills in them while wearing swimsuits. Sharleen wore a white one piece with cut outs at her sides and long fringe coming down from her plunging neck line. So, there’s that. I kind of go back and forth on how good looking I think Sharleen is. Sometimes she looks incredible and other times she looks like a dope. Just saying.

I think I missed the part where Cassandra the 21 year old former NBA dancer who is a mother of a child that I’m guessing is one of those NBA-ers had a heart to heart with Jennifer Aniston’s sister look-a-like Renee who is 32 I think and is a mother. The two of them were just sobbing about not being able to find a man and at the same time wanting to be a great mother and they were drinking wine and they’re both pretty attractive and if the two of them just leaned over and started lesbian sexing it would have been the highest grossing porno of the year.

I can’t remember the time tables exactly, but at some point JP kicks Cassandra off the show on her birthday. Yeah. So, it’s Cassandra’s birthday and at no point does JP say happy birthday to her or take her out on the 1-on-1 date for it or anything because he’s a fucking dirtbag. Instead, he takes Cassandra aside, like 30 minutes after she confessed to him that she’s willing to love him forever and ever, and he kicks her off the show siting he doesn’t feel shit for her. So, he takes Cassandra out of the house unexpectedly with all the other girls around, he’s gone for 20 minutes, and then returns alone and announces “Say goodbye to Cassandra”. WHAT?!

1. They can’t say goodbye because she’s fucking already gone, you Venezuelan fuck! So much for whatever relationships they may have made with Cassandra that they’re not given the opportunity to say goodbye to her.

2. I guess they’re assuming she’s not dead, right? Like they didn’t hear a gun shot like he didn’t tie Cassandra to a tree and put her out of her misery like Old Yeller. But he could’ve totally pushed her off some cliff face or something. I wouldn’t trust JP to hold my dog’s poop let alone trust him to understand that he doesn’t have to kill these girls and that they can leave the show healthy to find a guy who isn’t going to impregnate them and then leave them like the last chick he was with.

3. So, he can just kick girls off the show whenever he wants? I’m sure that doesn’t make the girls that much crazier than they already were.

Then JP had an AWKWARD date with Clare. That happened. In the last episode, JP tried to slut-shame Clare for “forcing” him into a late night swim where he rubbed his boner on her and made out with her. What a fucking cunt Clare is, right? This date was more or less spent with JP being an arrogant dumb fuck with his stupid 50 words of English trying to explain that he treated Clare like shit more or less to rope this crazy bitch in even more as part of some mind control thing he has on her and to keep her in her place. The only thing I know about dealing with women is from my favorite documentary ever “The Great Happiness Space” which is about Japanese male escorts for the most part and they explain that at first you praise the chick and give her compliments and show her affection. Then you take them down a peg by talking about how immature they are and try to establish yourself as a daddy figure. Then they’re fucking insane and in love with you forever when you show them affection again. So, that’s what JP is doing.

Then like some scene out of The Jersey Shore, JP has Clare dress in his sweatpants like “The Situation” used to do and he says it’s sexier than when she wears sexy dresses. And yes, that’s when Clare should have ran from the house crying and screaming.

Back to the other girls… well… since Andi got her rose we haven’t seen her. Sharleen got a rose. Clare got a rose. Whose left? Renee, Nikki, Kat, Chelsie. They quickly realize that Renee and Nikki are safe and it’s really a toss up between Kat and Chelsie, so that’s when these two broads decide to have their crazy 1 on 1 time with JP to have a breakdown in front of him.

CHELSIE – She just starts vomitting up how much she wants kids and a family and she dumped her last boyfriend because he wasn’t sure if that’s what he wanted right then and there and that’s understandable because he was probably TWENTY FOUR because she’s TWENTY FOUR. Either way, the small town Columbus gal with her young Kristen Chenoweth-ness just is spewing this PUT A BABY IN ME NOW IF THAT’S WHAT YOU WANT AND I’LL STAY INSIDE THE HOUSE AND LOVE YOU FOREVER – PICK ME! So, that’s cool, right?

KAT – The first time the two of them got to talk in one of these 1 on 1’s Kat started telling JP her sob story of growing up without a dad. A dad who was a bad guy who abandoned her family when she was young. So, what do you think she told JP about when she got her second 1 on 1 alone time? You guessed it! Her shitty dad! Hey, JP, did I tell you about my shitty dad?! HE WAS SHITTY. Doesn’t that make you want to marry me?! I’m sure Kat’s got some uniqueness to her. She can dance really well like a stripper. But for the most part, she’s like Clare, but she doesn’t let JP drag his tongue all over her like Clare does. I mean Kat has daddy issues and Clare has daddy issues. Kat has fake boobs and Clare has fake boobs. Kat’s are bigger, but Clare’s are almost always in JP’s hands. They also dye their hair blonde and look like they would be a handful in the crazy department.

So… Juan Pablo kicks Kat off the show. Probably because he only needs one chick with fake boobs and daddy issues. And he certainly doesn’t need a spare one who hasn’t taken to allowing him to shove his tongue down her throat all the time. In the end, we learned little about Kat minus she had a shitty dad, she has big fake boobs, and she can dance like Demi Moore in “Striptease”.

Meanwhile, Sharleen falls to pieces seeing Kat leave and then threatens in her confessional that she may quit the show next week.

Unless Chelsie gives Juan Pablo head during their next group or 1-on-1 date, I’m imagining she’s gone. I don’t know how many girls need to go each episode, but if it’s two girls then Chelsie is gone. If it’s just one and Sharleen backs out then Chelsie stays.

I could see Nikki going soon because she’s annoying and brings nothing to the table.

I could see Andi going because she’s a brunette and, honestly, I cannot imagine she would put up with his inability to understand English much longer.

And there’s that! I think Renee should be the next season of The Bachelorette.

I love you!?!?!?!

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