The Bachelor – episode 6 – BREAKING NEWS! Juan Pablo is NOT an intellectual!!!

February 18, 2014

Howdy!

YES! BREAKING NEWS, INDEED!

Kristen Chenoweth & Kristen Bell hybrid clone – CHELSIE – revealed/confirmed that JUAN PABLO is NOT an INTELLECTUAL.

But before I get to last night’s incredibly emotional episode of THE BACHELOR!!!! … let me first just say…

I went to a wedding in Massachusetts this past weekend and, yes, I survived the snowstormy blizzard up there as well as the ones in New Jersey. I’m INVINCIBLE! Remember that? From GOLDEN EYE? Right? Whatever. Ok, so I went to a wedding, I wore pseudo-suit (separate suit pants, a somewhat matching blazer, and a shirt & tie), Danielle looked lovely in her sophisticated sexy dress, I drank approximately 16 Amstel Lights because that was the random-ish drink of choice, and I danced for the first time this year. Yes! DANCED! Or whatever it is that I’m doing when I’m out on the dance floor letting those smooth and tender beats enter my ear holes and bring my feet to life or to a shuffle that goes back and forth where I try to think of something not completely awkward to do with my hands.

I “danced”, which is really the only thing that you’re supposed to do at weddings and I’m not really sure where else you dance unless you go to gay bars. Gay bars and weddings, so let’s cut out the middle man and get us some gay weddings… woooo!!! Ok, so dancing. It’s not like these weddings are being run by Girl Talk or Lady Gaga, but you’re supposed to dance like Calvin Harris has loaded you up with E all for one reason… FIDELITY! WOOO!!! I’m going to dance my dick off because these two lovely people were in church before exchanging rings and now it’s time to dance because they’re never going to need to do online dating ever again!!! WOOO!!! I get it. That is something to celebrate, just saying, it’s kind of weird.

My sister is now getting married at this time next year and that will be some really awkward ass dancing. Whether you’re taking that as AWKWARD ass dancing or awkward ASS DANCING either way… it’s going to be really uncomfortable.

ANYWAY…

JUAN PABLO = NOT INTELLECTUAL

I’m sure we all came to that conclusion at the end of hour 1 during the first episode of this season, but Chelsie, naive and bubbly Chelsie, presented her thesis that Juan Pablo is in fact NOT an intellectual at the beginning of last night’s episode and the response was amazing…

ALL THE GIRLS AGREED… WERE TOTALLY FINE WITH IT… CLEARLY, ADMITTED THEY DID NOT WANT A MAN THAT COULD BE CONFUSED WITH BEING AN INTELLECTUAL… PROCEEDED TO SHIT-TALK INTELLECTUALS BY CALLING THEM “NERDS”!!!!!! 

Is this how women really are? Like the bad guys in every 80’s movie calling dudes “nerds”? NERDS?! So, to these dopey bitches, a man who speaks English fluently and can engage them in a conversation that has more meat to it than “how are you?” – that man is a NERD! NERDS!!!

The reason this was brought up was because Sharleen was hurling herself around their Miami hotel suite’s balconies crying like Lady Macbeth. And, the other girls were where ever Sharleen wasn’t and Chelsie was leading the charge explaining that Sharleen isn’t that into Juan Pablo because Juan Pablo isn’t like the other men Sharleen has supposedly dated and those other men are “intellectuals”.

WHICH! Andi jumped in on… Andi a District Attorney for the city of Atlanta, supposedly… Andi jumped on “intellectuals” and said “nerds”. NERDS! First off, fuck you, Andi. Secondly, all the girls nodded with disgust at the idea of “intellectuals/nerds”. So, all of them would not want an intellectual – fully admitting they would not want to marry an intellectual man. AMAZING. That’s a “science educator” in Chelsie, a district attorney in Andi, a hairdresser in Clare, and a mother with a son of her own in Renee who does not want to marry an intellectual man to help raise her son and possibly have more children with. PHENOMENAL.

Meanwhile, Nikki is off at Juan Pablo’s daughter’s dance recital where she wore about two inch long jean shorts to meet Juan Pablo’s daughter, parents, and his ex/mother of the daughter. Hey, Nikki, maybe you might want to get dressed before you go meet this guy’s whole fucking family. Also, if Juan Pablo picks Nikki then in less than 2 months will Nikki and Clara, the ex/baby’s momma, get into a legit cat fight. Maybe if Juan Pablo was an “intellectual” he could see that coming a mile away, but he fucking can’t because he’s a big dummy. Also, there is no mention of this date with Nikki or Nikki meeting Juan Pablo’s daughter or family at no point later in the episode, which just fucking weird. Did that even happen? How did Nikki not rub that in Clare’s face that she was Camilla’s new mommy and not Clare?

Back to Sharleen because most of this episode was dedicated to Sharleen.

Sharleen spent an afternoon and evening making out in that weird forehead first, lips second kissing that she does with Juan Pablo. Literally, she doesn’t kiss like a normal human being. My hypothesis(s) for this is one of three reasons…

1. VIRGIN – Sharleen is a straight-up virgin. She doesn’t know how to kiss like a normal person because she’s got little to no experience doing it. She’s spent her whole life singing opera and traveling the world and has been waiting for that perfect someone to sully her vagina’s purity and it really hasn’t happened. So, she’s completely awkward sexually.

2. BEING ON THIS SHOW IS ALL FUCKING WEIRD – Maybe Sharleen really can’t handle how fucking weird it is that she’s making a prostitute of herself as well as throwing herself at a prostitute in front of America’s watching eyes. Maybe that’s what is really throwing her off. There are camera men a foot from her, millions of people will be seeing this, and he’s simply some un-intellectual dude who looks good without a shirt on and she’s all drunk on wine and is sitting in front of him for the sole purpose of throwing herself at him and all he clearly cares about is probing her holes and it’s an uncomfortable experience for her and with that her ability to kiss is getting perverted into this forehead rubbing, nose-smashing activity where their mouths need to hunt for each others amongst all this heavy breathing… it’s just weird and you need to see it with your own eyes to fully understand what the shit is happening.

3. THAT’S HOW THEY DO IT IN GERMANY – I’ve never been and she’s from there, so maybe?

4. TWILIGHT – Obviously! Sharleen is clearly Bella and Juan Pablo is the shimmering Ted… errr … Ed… and she doesn’t know how to kiss because she thought the dumb kissing they do it that movie is what actually kissing is.

After a night of face sucking, Sharleen waffles back and forth deciding whether or not she really sees a future with Juan Pablo, which did have a HILARIOUS moment in their date when Juan Pablo asked about him meeting her parents and Sharleen clearly being 100% uncomfortable with that happening. It’s exactly the reaction that Sharleen would have if she were dating “Magic Mike”. Like, what do you do for a job Magic Mike? UHHHH!!! DON’T ANSWER THAT, SWEETIE, BECAUSE YOU’RE A MALE STRIPPER… whoops!

Once Sharleen sees how excited the other bitches are about taking Juan Pablo to their hometown and Sharleen admitting how much she would not enjoy taking Juan Pablo to her hometown, Sharleen EXITS THE TV SHOW.

Kind of thought Sharleen was all talk. Good for her for leaving the show knowing how fucking unlikely it would be for her and Juan Pablo to work. He doesn’t speak English, he’s an idiot, and he’s got a kid. Sharleen leaves. I will say Sharleen had a fantastic looking episode to leave on. Even during all of her crying… there was a lot of crying… she looked pretty excellent during all of it. Like I’ve said before, it’s like 75% or so of an episode where Sharleen looks good and then there’s 25% of an episode where she looks like she lost a fight via full body rug burn.

Either way, I’m betting Sharleen is the next The Bachelorette. There’s so much mystery! She could have won the show, but she was the one who left. Plus, she can cry with the best of them and loves sucking face and she can take these dopes around Europe or whatever.

Back to the bitches who stayed, if you were wondering what’s up with Renee… well… besides getting a pretty sick tan – NOTHING NEW HAPPENS WITH RENEE. Like NOTHING. You don’t even see Renee have a single second of conversation with Juan Pablo at any point throughout the episode. She listens to Sharleen as Sharleen cries and she’s got a new tan. That’s it for Renee.

Andi doesn’t have anything new happen with her either besides her leading the charge against nerds. NERDS!!!!!

Nikki, as mentioned, actually met Juan Pablo’s family, which is huge, but they never talk about it after it happens, so it feels like it didn’t even happen. The only thing we really learned from all that is that Juan Pablo’s ex is a brunette and that Juan Pablo is a terrible driver as he was shown cutting off someone on a Miami road while not using his blinker. Sweet!

Nikki has a pretty melodramatic confrontation with Clare as well. Ugh, you don’t like each other… big fucking deal.

Clare wasn’t in much of the episode for the first time. She talked shit on Nikki and that’s kind of it.

OH FUCK!

Nevermind… Clare did have one FUCKING AMAZING MOMENT – which I kind of forgot about for a second…

So, Clare and Juan Pablo are having this one on one time and that of course means it is time for Clare to have the obligatory conversation about her dead dad withJuan Pablo. This dead dad discussion added a new detail that Clare’s dad filmed himself before he died leaving her a secret message for her once she finds the man of her dreams and he locked it in a fault. WHO WAS CLARE’S DAD? Nicolas Cage from National Treasure?! Or Nicolas Cage from being Nicolas Cage?! A secret message from beyond the grave locked in a vault until she brings some golden man home to pledge his allegiance to her for eternity? Does Clare belong to a cult? Is Clare’s last night L. Ron Hubbard? WHAT THE FUCK?!

So, yeah, Clare’s got a dead dad DVD waiting for dumbass Juan Pablo. BONER TOWN! WOOO!!!

And then, there’s Chelsie. Poor, sweet, innocent, big breasted Chelsie.

So, Chelsie really hadn’t done much with Juan Pablo until last week. She got one of the first 1 on 1 dates, but not much happened on it. They kissed. But she spent most of the time in fear for her life about jumping off a bridge. Which now that I think of it, a lot of these “dates” have these women scared to death and then that segues right into making out. Either Juan Pablo is a fucking genius or he & Disney are highly perverted and I really think it’s the latter because we know Juan Pablo is not an intellectual. Hey, is it normal to make a girl cry and then immediately force your tongue down her throat? TOTES NORMAL.

Chelsie more or less yelled at Juan Pablo to put a baby in her at the end of last week’s episode to keep her on the show. This week, Chelsie got a hot minute alone with Juan Pablo to show him her… letters! WOOOOO!!!! CHELSIE’S SEXY FUCKING LETTERS FROM HER PARENTS!!! If you didn’t already think Chelsie is a sheltered youngin’ then her having a stack of letters from her parents as if she went to sleepaway camp certainly helped distinguish the huge age/experience gap between her and Juan Pablo.

Seriously, Chelsie wants to be simply be a stay-at-home mom for some nice and good looking guy and, apparently, those don’t exist in Columbus, Ohio. Or since she’s 24, she’s probably just on the other end of her jager bomb early 20’s and now wants a normal good guy, but is still too crazy to realize you don’t go on The Bachelor to find that guy.

Sharleen exited and that means Juan Pablo had to say goodbye to one chick and that chick was, of course, Chelsie. Sorry, Chelsie. You were easily the most adorable of the girls on the show and I’m sure you can find a good guy to put a baby in you if you take a second and breath and realize that the Bachelor is not the place to meet guys.

Next week… HOMETOWNS!!!!!

And… APPARENTLY, NOTHING GOOD HAPPENS!!!

In the preview for next week’s two episodes, all four girls are shown hysterically crying at one point or another. So much crying this season and so many bikinis. Andi’s dad is shown telling Juan Pablo that he doesn’t trust him because he’s kissing on all these other girls, which makes 100% sense. Andi is shown thinking that maybe her and Juan Pablo won’t work after all. Meanwhile, Clare is shown with some ugly older sister of hers telling Clare that she won’t let Clare manipulate their mother into like Juan Pablo. Is it just me or is Clare Cinderella? Right? She’s got these witchy older sisters keeping her down and she’s got the random man of her dreams? I bet that’s how Clare literally views herself.

Andi is shown crying, Clare is shown crying, Nikki is shown crying, and Renee is shown crying. SUH-WEET!!!!

Honestly, I think Juan Pablo should get back together with his ex and simply consider “The Bachelor” his “bachelor party”.

 

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