The Bachelor – episode 8 – It’s OK that you’re breaking up with me because you’re the default

February 26, 2014

WHAT. IN. THE. UP!

FIRST!!!! I must apologize to the city of Kansas City for forgetting about you and, instead, ranting yesterday about the city of Cincinnati. I had no right to steal your thunder Kansas City, a city that is in Missouri and not in Kansas unless we’re talking about the Kansas City that is in Kansas, but no one ever talks about that Kansas City, and give that thunder to Cincinnati and right a paragraph or two or eight tearing apart that city because it just so happened to be the hometown of some (bottle) blonde bimbo from The Bachelor. Actually, that (faux) flaxen headed airhead is really a daughter of Kansas City and I should have torn your city apart with words instead. You have my utmost apologies. Next time, Kansas City, next time.

ANYWHATTZLE!!!

FANTASY SUITES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yerp.

Last night on THE BACHELOR, Juan Pablo — creepy as fuck, emotionless, languageless, deer caught in the headlights look having, weirdo — got the opportunity to bang… talk to the remaining three ladies in the FANTASY SUITE … all night… with NO CAMERAS!

This is the episode that most people have told me about. This is the legalized prostitution that Disney has laid before us with this show. I was expecting a lot of dirty sex or dirty sex noises or possible double entendres about dirty sex… we got next to none of that. The fantasy suites came up short with the sex. Actually, the fantasy suites came up short with the “fantasy” as well. I’m sure it was a “suite” – I mean it had a bed and a little sitting area and most hotels nowadays would legitimately call all rooms with a king or queen bed and an additional sitting area a suite. So, there’s that.

But FANTASY?

Where the fuck was the FANTASY?

Saint Lucia is beautiful and everything, but it was a fucking hotel room. If we’re titling something FANTASY then I need like at the very least a dragon painted on a wall. What about a jungle themed room with like a rope that you can swing on into bed? I mean, my ass isn’t going to be supported by some rope connected to an islander home, but a skinny minny like Nikki who probably hasn’t eaten since the gas station barbecue stop two weeks earlier surely could take a ride. Or like an underwater themed room. Andi dressed as Ariel and Juan Pablo dressed as the guy from “The Little Mermaid” that forces Ariel to give up her entire magical life in the ocean to be his upper middle class housewife. That’s what happens in that movie, right? Like a fucking schoolgirl outfit and a long ruler or something! It’s a FANTASY suite.

The real “fantasy” that is going on is that this mumbling idiot who may be cross-eyed is the dream guy for these three chicks. Right, America?

CLARE

Of course, Clare is first because Clare has been his favorite since the beginning. Probably has something to do with her baby talk voice and her big boobers that she lets Juan Pablo rub his Venezuelan mitts all over. And per usual, he jams his stupid tongue down her throat the moment he sees her. Honestly, if he picked any chick besides Clare — that chick would HAVE to dump him on principle because all he does with Clare is tongue fuck her. Same could be said with Sharleen. I think when he does pick Clare and they rewatch this show together, Sharleen’s appearance on the show, Nikki meeting his daughter, and his never ending make out under the waterfall with Andi will be real issues.

They go on a boat and hang out in bikinis per you-zhhh. Clare does try to talk to Juan Pablo about the hometown visit the week earlier and it is obvious from the start that Juan Pablo has little to no memory at all of Clare’s family and what happened at her house. Juan Pablo kept repeating “Laura’s” name as if he had never heard it before. I’m not talking about the sister, but the FUCKING NAME ENTIRELY. It was like he was discovering a new fucking language… probably because he speaks no languages fluently. And! How could he forget the one sister who looks like she’s an evil soothsayer from a Stephen King novel? Juan Pablo cannot run across creatures that ugly on a daily basis. That’s a one in a million type of ugly. And, he seemed to have no memory of MOMMA either.

In the end, he takes Clare to the fantasy suite and he makes her read this letter that Chris Hanson or whoever wrote and JP does this because JP CANNOT read English. That guy is a functioning illiterate person. The gist of the letter is that Juan Pablo wants you to go to the bonezone with him with no cameras and she has Disney’s blessing to do so.

Which is great, but what about Camilla’s blessing, right?

Clare cannot let go of this Camilla thing, which shows there is some sanity in that pretty baby talking head of hers and it shows that she cannot let shit go. She’s got a pretty fucking good memory for a chick with daddy issues and fake boobs, which is not what Juan Pablo was hoping for. Clare brings up how he slut shamed her with his daughter’s feelings back in some Asian country and wonders will the fantasy suites bring on more slut shaming?

UUUUUHHHHHHH… CLARE?! It’s the fantasy suite! Even little fucking kids who don’t speak English like Camilla understand the fucking fantasy suites! They’re a fucking timeless sacred tradition, dummy! No cameras! Remember? DURRRR!!! Camilla is totes cool with the fantasy suites!

Anyway, JP rambles some more nonsense and Clare goes into the fantasy suite.

Also, does anyone notice that when Juan Pablo says “Clare” he gets excited when he says it like it’s a fun word to say and not like he can’t wait to see her. He really performs the word “Clare” like he’s a step off from Anthony Hopkins in Silence of the Lambs with CLARICE!

ANDI

Typical shit with Andi. Picnic by a waterfall. Seriously, they’ve gone on two dates and both of those “dates” have been picnics by waterfalls. Oh right, before that, Juan Pablo gets sweaty slapping a ball around with his feet with some island boys, which makes Andi think he’s going to be a good father, which makes me think Andi is a fucking idiot.

The two try and talk at the waterfall, but it’s more or less Andi asking JP to recant what happened with her family and she pretends it is amusing, but it isn’t. Juan Pablo has no ability to make these girls think that they’re possibly going to be picked. He keeps saying it is “honesty” that he’s saying he’s not sure, but HONESTLY if you’re like — who the fuck knows — and you’re about to propose to one of these broads in a week then you’re only proposing out of obligation. He does not LOVE any of these chicks. He LIKES them. Yeah, I would LIKE a lot of chicks if they fawned over me in bikinis and did not stop me from shoving my tongue down their throat whenever I felt like it. That’s also NOT A RELATIONSHIP. At this point, he is clearly no closer to any of them besides that he’s probably gotten further with some over others. If he touches your boobs then you’re staying around, if he doesn’t… GONEZO!

Same shit happens with the letter, her reading it, and they go into the fantasy suite.

THE DIFFERENCE!!!!!!

When we come back from commercials, Juan Pablo is his usual happy autistic self and Andi is sadly walking around the island like she was Jennifer Connolly after the ass-to-ass scene in “Requiem for a Dream”. So, something happened and I’m not sure if they’re both on the same page about it.

I’ll cut over Nikki’s segment and join Andi’s two segments. Andi tells us the viewers and not Juan Pablo that the overnight fantasy suite was not sex — well at least not all — and was a lot of talking, but Juan Pablo is terrible demon talker…

1. One-upper – One of the worst sins one can make as a conversationalist is to be labeled a one-upper.

2. Name-dropper – NEVER! DIOS MIO! NOT A NAME DROPPER!!! AHHHHHH!!! THE HORRORS SHE MUST’VE WENT THROUGH THAT NIGHT!!! … sidenote: what motherfucking names is the dipshit dropping? Hey, Andi, how are you? I was hanging out with the Yellow, or amarillo in Spanish, peanut M&M and he was cool.

Please say you get the Yellow M&M reference!!! COME ON! HE DOES THOSE STUPID COMMERCIALS… anyway. Whatever.

More importantly, Juan Pablo is big fucking idiot head and he goes and tells Andi about doing the fantasy suite with Clare. GOOD MOVE, ASS HEAD! Second, he said that Andi made it to the final round by… DEFAULT. BOOM!!!! Dude knows how to talk to the ladies! I wonder why his first relationship – that actually produced a child – failed?

At the end of the episode, Andi wears doilies as a pair of shorts – smooth move – and confronts Juan Pablo on shit. THIS WAS BOUND TO HAPPEN. At some point, one of these chicks had to realize that he talks nonsense all the time and none of it is a good enough explanation to these chicks about their possible future or possible getting their heart broken. I was expecting that Andi would be the one to snap on Juan Pablo like this because she’s seemingly the most educated of these women and the least concerned with the WINNING element that Clare and Nikki are fucking drowning in.

Andi shits all over Juan Pablo. Juan Pablo keeps digging a deeper and deeper grave for himself as he keeps saying it is “ok” that Andi is mad and leaving because that’s her choice. Which Juan Pablo plays off as him being HONEST and then hides behind that word as if it is a sound structure.

HONESTY is not bad. Honesty in itself is not bad. What makes honesty bad is when you honestly just want to insult someone. See? That’s when “honesty” gets tricky because you’re just insulting someone. Insulting someone is not the only way to be honest.

Juan Pablo was being “honest”. But the real “honesty” which he did not go into is that who the fuck is Andi to him? She’s 1 of 3 chicks and HONESTLY Juan Pablo really doesn’t give a shit about which of those three chicks he gets. Those 3 chicks could easily be replaced by 3 other women. The only reason Cassandra and Renee are not there is because they have children and HONESTLY Juan Pablo doesn’t want to deal with that, so other girls are still on the show in their place. Honestly, he would like Sharleen to be there as much as Andi. Andi is just some chick he met a few weeks earlier with 20+ other chicks as apart of a dating TV show and he knows nothing about these girls and has no real intention of staying with any of them either. Him staying with these women is not set in stone. Not many of these other TV people have stayed together, people in general don’t stay together, and he has a history of not staying together with people as well. In the end, he doesn’t even need to pick one of these girls because someone else in the TV show’s history proved that was a viable option as well.

The real HONESTY of the situation is that Juan Pablo absolutely doesn’t give a shit and is selfish, which is what you would need to be in order to go on a show like The Bachelor to begin with and… it took up until that moment for Andi to realize it and, once she did, she was angry and ready to live in a world where she could somewhat see the light of this entire hypocrisy.

But… at the same time, she’s HEAVILY rumored to be the next The Bachelorette, which I’m guessing will be more about revenge than love. She got made a fool of on a show chasing some idiot dude, now a bunch of dudes can look like idiots chasing her.

So, Andi leaves.

NIKKI

Nikki first off shows up to her time with Juan Pablo wearing a bikini covered in like little Hiawatha fringe and a pair of more or less pajama pants. Nikki’s boobs were everywhere. God bless her for that.

They ride a couple horses down to the beach and they get in the water and a wave FUCKING WRECKS NIKKI. She gets fucking sent on her ass and Juan Pablo doesn’t care or skip a beat in forcing her to stand-up and kiss him more because that’s all these bitches are to him. Kissing machines.

He also mentions that everyone of these chicks are good kissers because that is the ONE and ONLY thing he really knows about them. That’s great to be, but if that’s all you can think up when you need to talk about this person’s attributes then they might as well be a fucking prostitute to you. A kissing prostitute. She’s a good kisser! Oh great! Maybe she’ll raise your fucking daughter to be a good kisser as well, right? You dolt. You doe eyed dolt!

Nikki goes into the fantasy suite with Juan Pablo with no hesitation and has a wonderful time or something or whatever. That bitch doesn’t have a central nervous system let alone the ability to tell whether something is a “good time” or not. She’s crazy!

Nikki and Clare are perfect for this show and for each other because they’re both laser focused on WINNING. Whatever they set their mind to – they get. That’s it. They’re crazy women. CRAZY! They just want to win this show. They want to feel that thrill of getting what they want… and later they’ll want something else or realize that what they wanted wasn’t enough, so they’ll move on to the next thing.

But right now, the two of them would walk through fucking fire to get Juan Pablo because it would mean they are fucking winners.

They’re like scientologists of Juan Pablo. Their space lord is Juan Pablo and they are just one more week away from achieving his divine touch.

Or two weeks away because the reunion show is next week. Can’t wait for that show! It is going to be a bunch of SCORNED women who will be looking to get EVEN on national television. Seriously, people do not like looking like idiots. They all look like idiots from this show so far, and come the reunion they’re focused on proving they’re not idiots by showing to the world what a farce Juan Pablo is.

It’s going to be like a slightly reserved public image hanging of Juan Pablo. I hope they burn dolls of him in effigy at the end of the reunion.

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