OSCARS – PWETTY DWESSES, PWETTY PWEOPLE, NO OSCAR FOR WOLF OF WALL STREET THANK GOD

March 3, 2014

WHADDUP!!!!??!??!?!?!?!?!?

I know I’m late with this post, but whatevs. Read it later! Treat this as a DVR post. Skip the commercials, read it when you want to, damn the status quo structures! LIVE YOUR LIFE!

Anyway, the Oscars were last night and since I’m the best fashion critic on the internet – true? – I must talk about what EVERYONE was wearing. And by EVERYONE I mean like more people than I should write about, but at the same time I’ll leave some out like Kristen Chenowerth who looked like the Oscar statue came to life! Also, The Bachelor reunion is tonight, so do expect a post about that tomorrow.

Either way… let’s get into these celebrities’ pants!

RED CARPET! OSCARS! BUTTS!

Sandra Bullock is a national treasure.

I was really hoping she would win for “Gravity” because she was great in “Gravity” and hands down “Gravity” was the best movie of the year. I don’t care about what other people think with the “12 Years a Slave” —> “Gravity” was a once in a lifetime type of film. Plus, I HATED “Blindside” and Sandy won an Oscar for that and I really wish her Oscar was for a movie that I did not HATE and instead LOVED. You know? Either way, Bullock is a very attractive woman and she looked great and it’s fucking so weird that she dated that Jesse James guy, right? It’s like she was having a prolonged stroke when she was with him.

You’re a classy lady, Sandy Bullock. You can be funny, you can be dramatic, you don’t come across as pretentious — which is like a one in a million quality for celebrities — and you’re aging fucking gracefully. Also, Sandra Bullock – when did she have her weird phase? Right? When did Sandra Bullock look bad? Literally, the craziest thing she ever did was date Jesse James. Outside of that, she hasn’t had a weird phase where you’re like, “Someone needs to help out Bullock over there”. Been hot for 20 years and even made a few palatable rom-coms in there — “28 Days” and “The Proposal” are really watchable movies.

So, what I’m saying is I love Sandra Bullock and often make blood sacrifices for her and I may turn my garage into a 3D theater, so I can watch “Gravity” over and over and over again.

I’ve never seen Disney’s “The Princess & the Frog” aka Disney’s black princess movie, but here it fucking is. Lupita is this black Disney princess. I was expecting she would win. And she deserves it. I mean I liked some of the other nominees obviously and would have liked seeing some of them win, but it’s certainly a big fucking deal performance from Lupita.

Her speech was great. Actually, I get to Cate Blanchett later, but I really liked Cate’s speech about how vaginas can sell movie tickets too. I think more than anything what’s being proven is that the “bankable” penis owning actors are not “bankable” when you put them in garbage ass garbage. People are not going to simply go see a Channing Tatum movie because Channing Tatum is in it. If you’re going to see a Channing Tatum movie it’s because of him going beyond simply running around and appearing on screen. I mean he really did have to work his ass for that “Magic Mike” money and “21 Jump Street” was a big deal because of the actual comedy people were expecting from the comedian he was paired with plus the meathead-ness that he could bring to the role kind of making fun of himself… like Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg in “The Other Guys”. Meanwhile, Wahlberg puts out like 3 movies a year and most of them bomb because people really don’t want to go watch Mark Wahlberg be Mark Wahlberg. They’ll watch him with a Seth MacFarlane CGI bear spouting curses all the time because people are juvenile, but they really don’t care about seeing Mark Wahlberg being tough and carrying a gun. They’re over that…

Lupita’s a princess. Fuck Mark Wahlberg.

Jennifer Lawrence wears the fuck out of red.

Jennifer Lawrence wears the fuck out of dresses too.

Chick is gorgeous. Anyway, I like the red. I loved her in red in that other red dress she wore to the Oscars a couple years ago. She’s a great looking female, but there are a lot of great looking females out there who don’t wear dresses half as well as she does. I don’t know the process obviously of how she chooses what to wear, but some of these chicks wear some stupid ass silly shit. Anyway, this looks great, she looks great, she was great in “American Hustle” and you know… all good things. I’m a little despondent about how America lost such a darling to another British twit, but what can you do?! It’s not as angering as these gorgeous and talented Jewesses shacking up with most likely a French anti-semite, but what can we do? What CAN WE DO?! SERIOUSLY, HOW CAN WE GET NATALIE PORTMAN AND SCARLETT JOHANSSON BACK?!

Looks great on her. I’ll emphasize the ON HER aspect. Not really that into this dress as a whole. Cate Blanchett is a strong and elegant creature, so she can wear shit and make it look like gold. I mean some of it looks like puffs of white crumpled up tissue and others looks nice – not really into it as a whole. Definitely wouldn’t have been into it seeing it on a rack I think, but she pulls it off.

Cate Blanchett is a great actress. Haven’t see “Blue Jasmine”, I will at some point, but she is a great actress. Remember “Notes on a Scandal”? Wow. Good shit. Anyway… didn’t know Bobby Canavale was in “Blue Jasmine” – makes me want to see it even more.

Sure.

I watched “Prefontaine” the other day and that’s a rare movie. It’s a rare type of failure of a movie. It’s rare in that not many times do you watch a movie where everything else is fine, but the directing is just so subpar that the movie is bad. That movie is not a good movie. Could it have been a good movie? Maybe. I’ll give it a definite maybe, but all-in-all that was an average Lifetime movie that was released in theaters. It feels and looks like the most expensive Lifetime movie, but it’s still a Lifetime movie.

Anyway, Jared Leto is a good actor. He’s kind of a weirdo and I only like one “30 Seconds to Mars” song, but he’s a good actor. He also looks amazing as this Jesus figure and am happy he won over Jonah Hill because “The Wolf of Wall Street” is a garbage movie. Seriously, Jonah Hill’s “acting” in that movie is legit the same “acting” he did in “This is the End” and he didn’t get an Oscar nod for that and he was much funnier in that movie than “The Wolf of Wall Street” and probably had more screen time too.

Gorgeous.

Amy Adams should have gotten an Oscar for her award winning sideboob throughout “American Hustle” or have that win a supporting supporting actress Oscar or something.

Amy Adams is a delight. And one day she’ll win one of those golden statues. Never seen a movie that she’s been in where she was great in what she did. Can’t say that about most.

Yeah, he’s the man.

THE MAN.

Odd acceptance speech. He’ll get a chance another chance at it when he wins his Emmy for “True Detective”. Actually, I liked his “Golden Globes” speech. Anyway… he’s the man. That show freaks me out and I love it.

In that beautiful cocoa butter lathered caramel latte belly of Kerry Washington is the prophetical child of beauty and athleticism and I believe will be a future politician.

I’M THROWING DOWN THE GAUNTLET! I’m saying Kerry and Nnamdi’s kid is going to be fucking SUCCESSFUL. Like by everyone’s standards.

I’m not saying Leo isn’t great in every scene of “The Wolf of Wall Street” doing everything and anything he’s asked to do… but that movie is fucking STUPID. Seriously, stupid and it makes little to no sense and it’s about on par with what I’d imagine “Hangover 3” is like. I would rather watch “Hangover 2” than watch “The Wolf of Wall Street” again for any length time. “Hangover” is a legit good movie. “The Wolf of Wall Street” is no “Hangover”. It’s vying for a “Hangover 2” comparison at best.

Leo’s an excellent actor and I’m glad he didn’t win the Oscar he’ll no doubt win at some point for a movie I hate.

Fucking looks great as always. I’ve had this conversation with a friend of mine, but I’m Meryl Streep is a very attractive individual. I mean I couldn’t give two shits about August whatever, but she looks like she was probably excellent in it from the clips. Also, from the clips it does not look like the comedy they tried to sell it as, but Meryl Streep’s just a good looking human being. Like she’s got a warming way about her. I would legit get start to tear up if I met Meryl Streep and I am not a vagina owning woman who has felt empowered by her art, so I can only imagine the rivers of tears that a woman would have actually meeting Meryl Streep. If you met Meryl Streep and I mean you as a woman and you didn’t cry some… I think I’m done with you. Just saying, it should get emotional meeting this woman.

Glad she didn’t won though. C’mon! Every movie of hers doesn’t need to be nominated!

I watched one minute of red carpet footage and that one minute showed Portia De Rossi in this dress and I legit was like – doesn’t get any better than that. Her hair is a “little” much, but she’s a beautiful, she looks great in that dress. I know that white was in and she fuck won the white dress wearing contest. No one else wore white like she wore white. If you’re Ellen Degeneres and you got Portia De Rossi on your arm last night – everyone’s fucking jealous. I mean I know she’s a woman, Ellen, but there’s just something about the idea of walking around with a big swinging dick, right? That’s just the go to metaphor of like having this big powerful dick in your pants. This hose. Like I’m talking girth. I’m talking a powerful well proportioned penis that can make babies. Like you’re a fucking stud horse just walking around with this 3 foot erection that people are paying $250,000 for you to impregnate their lady horses with.

That’s what Ellen was feeling walking around with Portia on her arm last night. You know?

Flipside, Portia’s got the big dick thing too. Like fucking blam! That’s right? I got that. This is Ellen’s big night and she’s doing her thing, but off stage – she’s doing her thing too because she’s got me and I got BLA-DOW! You know what I’m saying, motherfucker?!

By the way, I’m crazy. This is me Jordan talking. I’m a crazy person.

Yahoo didn’t like what Emma Watson was wearing. I think she looks great. She’s a classy fucking broad this Emma Watson. You know? Plus, her boobs look great. I mean I would love some cleavage, but I know Emma Watson’s not going to be able to provide a solid amount of cleavage, but she’s creating a solid bust line pushing out of that dress. It’s great.

A+ from me.

I mean she’s not nominated for anything. Kind of like you’re not supposed to upstage the bride or something at the wedding. I mean she looks great, but she’s not drawing an unnecessary amount attention to herself like some… well… attention whore. She looks great. Fuck Yahoo. I’ll burn their houses down if they say another bad thing about Emma Watson.

Love this.

So, that’s Margot Robbie who plays a half naked to fully naked BLONDE in The Wolf of Wall Street and she shows up looking anything but blonde. Fuck that movie. Right? Anyway, she looks good and it’s hilarious she doesn’t look anything like herself in the movie that she’s there to represent. Like I said, fuck that movie.

The Gaga.

I bet she can’t exhale in that dress. Got a girdle or whatever pulled to the max.

She looks good though. You know for Gaga. I mean it’s not a meat dress or anything too weird. She’s an attractive looking chick in general who just likes to wear the weirdest stuff sometimes. But it works. It’s a little out there, not too out there. I like it. She reined it in.

Kind of wish we had a butt shot. Gaga’s got a great butt. Is anyone arguing that with me? You’ll lose that argument! Just saying, if we’re talking about how she looks – kind of want to see that great butt she’s got. Whatever.

Up next… the award for foxiest minxes of the night will perpetually go to…

Anna Kendrick…

and…

Kristen Bell.

I’d have a tough time watching a movie with the two of them in it. It would be very distracting for me. They both looked excellent. Just adorable sex kittens. You know?

Honestly, though I am a huge fan of them as actresses. I wish “House of Lies” wasn’t such crap because I really do like a lot of people involved in that show. But outside of that, Kristen and Anna are solid actresses who do comedy well, do cute well, do sexy well, do drama well, and they can fucking sing. They’re across the board entertaining human beings. Big fan of both. I’m also 100% entirely sure I could carry each one of them around on me with a baby bjorn.

Naomi Watts also looks fucking great. That whole thing I was talking about with Portia and Ellen is everyday in Liev Schrieber’s life. I feel like Liev just struts around in life with confidence. Like fucking crazy confidence. So much confidence, he doesn’t even compete because he’s already won. He won. Yeah, oh you went paragliding in some ancient ruin… whatever. I married Naomi Watts. I won. I won and we didn’t even start. I mean I don’t even have to even say that I married Naomi Watts to prove I won because before you even start talking… I won. I fucking won, bro. I fucking won. I’m done talking to you. Either make me laugh, idiot, or get out of my winning life.

Also, would like to see Naomi Watts in something soon. Feels like it has been a bit. I didn’t see “The Impossible” or whatever. Jeez, “Eastern Promises” was from 2007. That’s the legit last good movie I saw her in. She’s got several good/great/excellent movies, but it has been awhile for me. She’s fucking off the wall great in “I Heart Huckabees” and in “21 Grams” like flawless performances in two very different movies. And I really liked “King Kong” too. Get off me with that shit that that movie wasn’t great. That was a fucking thrill ride and a half. Anyway…

Jessica Biel?! Right. You know, you don’t see her in much these days, but she’s an excellent looking human being. Very attractive woman. Good for you, Timberlake.

I like the dress. It’s really just not trying to do anything besides show off that she’s this smokeshow and that’s great.

Just wanted to throw Bradley Cooper in here because he was fucking amazing in “American Hustle”. I’m sorry he didn’t win, but I didn’t expect him to. Still a fucking great performance that will be remembered with or without that stupid ass statue. Too funny. Really glad he’s come into all of our lives and I really hope he keeps making solid movies where he can play off kilter psychopaths instead of movies focusing on his 6 pack. Dude is talented. Good looking. Jeez, I mean if I had a son like that, I would talk to him everyday about condoms and double bagging condoms and paying for girls birth control and stuff like that. Like I would monitor his drinks to make sure girls are not slipping stuff into them so they can date rape him. Like he’s so attractive that he’s a legitimately a date rape-able man. Good looking guy. Can’t say it enough. Are we arguing about that? Lady Gaga’s got a great ass and Bradley Cooper doesn’t have an alluring gaze? Seriously, we’re not arguing about that if you feel like you’re going to win that argument. You will lose that argument.

Best dress of the fucking night for me.

I like it. I really like it. I like it especially for her too. Chrissy Teigen can pull this dress off. I’m not sure it fits for other people, but I thought this was a creative dress and I rarely like creative dresses. It’s not creative like they’re big stupid sleeves or a-symmetrical weirdo shit. It’s just a nice black dress with this pink flower petals falling design. It’s nice, she’s a super model, she’s got this great skin color that works with it. I don’t think some pale chick could have pulled that off. It needs that seductive golden brownness to make it happen.

I’m a fan. Chrissy is also funny on twitter. John Legend is a genius for marrying her. Philadelphia!

FUCKING LOVE IT!

SHOW US YOUR BEAUTIFUL BRAZILIAN ASS YOU NINE MONTH PREGNANT LADY!

No one is more pregnant than Elsa. I think she’s carrying an entire basketball team in there, but you know what — she’s still got a wonderful Brazilian ass, so let’s see it. Show it off. Whatever. Still a very beautiful woman who just so happens to be carrying a full litter of human children in her stomach and she’s still a Brazilian smokeshow, so show us your ass!

And lastly…

Ashley Wagner looks great.

Hey Olympic judges, guess what? I’m still hot American chick that everyone loves on the internet and I get to live a fucking great life even if you’re going to be asshats with my scores. Dressed in gold, which is appropriate for the Oscars. Showing off her guns, I like that. Let them know! You’re an athlete! Fucking show them thangs off. Ashley Wagner could break the Mara sisters over her knee. Like blam! then blam! Twig skinny bitches. Show them guns off Wags. Hair looks good. She looks good.

Only problem? Where’s the butt shot? C’mon! Athletes got great butts. Men and women. If you’re playing a truly athletic sport then you’re butt is helping. You’ve got to work those thighs for all that explosive power and your butt gets worked up as well. It’s just how human evolution works. Explosive sport means powerful legs and butt and while we’re here checking out your wonderful hair did and beautiful dress… show off that world class athlete ass. You know?

Ok, whatever.

Glad “Gravity” won all those awards.

Glad “The Wolf of Wall Street” didn’t win any.

Alfonso Cuaron rules.

Butts rule.

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