The Bachelor – episode 9 – Reunion show: “Uhhhh… who is she?” edition

March 4, 2014

WHADDUP!?!?!?!?!?!

Last night was the highly-anticipated REUNION SHOW where las niñas would get the opportunity to voice their bitter opinions about our hunky dummy extraordinaire JUAN PABLO!

WOOOOOOO!!!

By the way, NIÑAS? Juan Pablo referred to these grown women that he’s supposedly intending to marry as “niñas”. I took Spanish for like 8 years, so at the very least I know that niñas does mean “girls”, but is that how Spanish speaking guys really refer to girls as niñas? Honestly, I feel like they don’t. I feel like niñas is how Google translator would refer to girls or how an abuela – grandmother – would refer to some small children that were in fact female. Not like girls as in chicks you’re mouth banging. Could be a fine line, but I feel like it exists. I would think guys would say something more along the line of señoritas or bonitas – basically, “pretties” – or chicas or something like that and not niñas. Unless, that person really did think of them as these little girls, which, honestly, Juan Pablo and his rampant misogyny could be that guy.

I don’t know. Just saying…

REUNION!!!!

What happened on the reunion?

Well, we got to hear the voices and opinions of a bunch of bitches that we had not heard speak once before and that includes host Chris Harrison. 

Where the fuck has this guy been all season? I heard he and Juan Pablo didn’t gel, so where’s the fucking footage? How fucking unprofessional is it that the HOST of the show couldn’t be a professional enough to get along with the star of the show to the point that there’s been any footage of the two of them talking. So, first off, fuck Chris Harrison for doing a shitty job. 

Also, fuck Chris Harrison because he’s an awkward as fuck interviewer. 

Ok… whew… just had to get that out of my system.

So, what REALLY happened on the big reunion show?

Well, for the first 8 minutes of the show it went something like this…

PENIS JOKE -> PENIS JOKE -> MUPPETS!

I’M BEING MOTHERFUCKING SERIOUS AS A HEART ATTACK THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED ON DISNEY’S FLAGSHIP NETWORK AT THE TOP OF THE 8 O’CLOCK IN THE EVENING HOUR.

On the American Broadcasting Company’s network channel, Chris Harrison invited former Bachelor Shawn something or other onto the show with his season winner/wife whose name thoroughly escapes me. Why? Well, I didn’t watch that season or any season besides this season and the lion’s share of their discussion was about SHAWN’S PENIS. 

First up, the chick’s got bangs. BANGS! Bangs are a fucking huge deal to women. It’s like in the top 5 biggest decisions of all-time for women is bangs. BANGS! Anyway, she pulled the trigger and has BANGS!

Following, that it was penis time. Apparently, Shawn was a virgin and he got married to this chick pre-bangs (I guess he was pre-bangs too, if you know what I mean. WOOO!!!) and he finally got his dick wet and nut off and all this other stuff on their wedding night and we’re talking about it at 8:04pm on network television. 

Chris asks how it went… meaning vaginal intercourse with his erect and never used penis… and Shawn says “fireworks” and bangs says “quick fireworks”. UHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

WHAT IS HAPPENING?!

We’re talking about this guy shooting semen in an untimely too quick fashion on the same channel that just had Wheel of Fortune on no less than 6 minutes earlier. THIS IS INSANE!

Chris Harrison then says, “I know how you feel” or something to Shawn. IS CHRIS HARRISON A PREMATURE EJACULATOR TOO?!?!?!? WHAT AM I WATCHING?!?! I DIDN’T TURN ON THIS TV PROGRAM TO LEARN ABOUT THE EJACULATION HABITS OF YOUR PENIS, YOU SICK FUCKS!

Next, Shawn says that they went somewhere for the honeymoon and they went swimming and then a stingray bit his penis.

WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING AGAIN?!!?!

A sea creature bit this guy’s dick?! THAT’S HORRIFYING! That is absolutely fucking terrible and horrifying that any creature would bite your dick let alone an animal from another species. This guy’s penis was attacked by a hostile aquatic terrorist and he can’t reason with it because it’s a fucking stingray – the thing that killed “The Crocodile Hunter”. It’s crazy and everyone is laughing.

Honestly, I think the whole story was made up and Shawn didn’t have a stingray bite his penis and it was just made up bullshit some The Bachelor writer told him to say, which might make it that much more perverse. I don’t know. I was legitimately horrified by everything that I was hearing… 

then the show cut to some skit that Juan Pablo and Chris Harrison did with the Muppets. 

AM I FUCKING CRAZY OR IS THAT FUCKING CRAZY?!?!?!?!?!!??!?!

Anyway…

What about the niñas?

Kelly – remember the wonky-eyed chick who was allowed to have a dog, which I don’t think they ever explained why she was allowed to have that dog? If you remember who that is then good for you, but either way that chick wouldn’t shut the fuck up. Like WOULD NOT shut the fuck up. Kelly never had a one-on-one date with Juan Pablo, was never shown kissing Juan Pablo, was never really shown interacting with Juan Pablo minus when Juan Pablo made the girls eggs for breakfast and she saw him first and didn’t say hi or hug him or anything and simply ran upstairs in fear to tell the other girls. 

So, that chick wouldn’t shut up. 

Also, Lauren S. who was “famous” for being the chick that wasn’t Andi or Alli and got shutdown by Juan Pablo for kisses then she brokedown crying and got kicked off the show with the big boobed Elise. Anyway, Lauren S. was highly unmemorable and she had a lot to say as well.

You know who didn’t have a lot to say – CHELSIE. SHE DIDN’T SAY A SINGLE FUCKING WORD. The chick was in the top 5 and her boobs looked great per usual and she didn’t say a single word on the show. They never said, “Hey, Chelsie, what do you think considering you did go on a one-on-one date with Juan Pablo and were in the top 5?” Nope. Never said a word.

Renee, Sharleen, and Andi all got one-on-one time with Chris Harrison. To say what? Well, Renee’s got a boyfriend, so that nixes her being the next The Bachelorette. She didn’t say anything negative about Juan Pablo, so that was a bust. Sharleen just proved even more so that she could be a virgin as well considering how thoroughly flustered she gets even thinking about hunky dummy Juan Pablo. And, Andi said she was single, so she is probably going to be the next The Bachelorette like everyone is rumoring. 

Andi talked about Juan Pablo with some negativity, but no more than she did in the last episode and if anything she really started defending Juan Pablo on some of his actions. Which was not what any of us were expecting. 

What was really gleamed from all of this?

This chicks are idiots. Or BIGGER idiots than we expected. 

Most of the reunion was spent harping on Juan Pablo referring to Renee and Cassandra as his “special ones” because they were mothers. Well… … … … … … WHO THE FUCK CARES?! Why is that an issue? I couldn’t even comprehend how that is an issue considering it didn’t amount to anything! Not only did it not amount to anything in their favor – it was actually what got them kicked off the show in the end. Juan Pablo kicked Cassandra off early — and on her motherfucking birthday I might add — because she was a mother. Then Juan Pablo totally kicked Renee off the show after he met Renee’s son because she had a son. That’s it. He had a great hometown visit with her. He had a terrible visit with Andi, but he kept Andi over Renee because Andi hadn’t shat out a kid yet.

So, “special ones” or not – who the fuck cares you, dolty dolts?!?!

The girls tried to talk about how the show wasn’t fair – like who gives a fuck you idiots – but none of them really went after the only two who were really shown preferential treatment and that was the final two of Nikki and Clare.

They brought Clare a little because chicks HATE Clare. But thankfully Andi defended Clare because what Clare did was not “wrong”. So, what’s Clare’s big problem? That Juan Pablo cannot keep his fucking hands & mouth off of her? Is that Clare’s problem? Juan Pablo has clearly favored Clare from the beginning, which is the natural of the show or, honestly, humanity. Oh, he likes one more than the others?! That’s the whole point! He’s choosing one of you broads in the end, clearly he likes Clare. Anyway… so Clare’s big moment was that she went to his hotel room and they went skinny dipping or something. Andi said what really the only rational idea about this is – she had the lady balls to do it and guess what it worked. So, good to Clare. 

They did harp on that Clare and Juan Pablo went for a hot tub make out session during a group date. Well, that’s on Juan Pablo. If Juan Pablo doesn’t feel like talking to you bitches and would rather tongue fuck Clare in a hot tub then I’m guessing she’s getting the rose and not you. Nature of the show! 

MEANWHILE! No one has said dick about Nikki meeting Juan Pablo’s daughter. NO ONE!

Am I crazy or did that happen? Nikki never told any of the girls that she met his daughter? Blabber mouth Juan Pablo never said it? The girls after watching the show have no thought that one of them got to meet Juan Pablo’s daughter and family and none of the others did? That’s a big fucking deal that no one ever talks about. Plus Nikki butted into people’s one-on-one times during group dates numerous times because she’s a bitch and they all should hate her, but they don’t because they’re fucking idiots. 

The only solid moment on the reunion was when Victoria, aka the chick who the first night got so drunk she had a mental breakdown in a locked bathroom stall and was kicked off the show, she called Juan Pablo out on his shit hiding behind this “English as a second language” for all his communications problems. They didn’t really go into it, but she said it and God bless her for that It’s not English being his second language as why he’s having trouble communicating – it’s because he’s a vapid dummy who doesn’t give a shit about these chicks is why he’s having trouble communicating with them. 

Also, Kelly tried to bring up Juan Pablo being a homophobe, which he promptly told her he would talk about that off air for an hour with her… so what? Either way, Juan Pablo said something I HATE hearing from people when they’re defending themselves about being homophobic is that “they’re born that way”. Yeah, so because it’s a pre-existing condition you won’t judge them, but if it wasn’t then you would? Their only saving grace is that they couldn’t choose to do their actions, but if you did choose those actions then you’re a sinner or a terrible person or whatever? Seriously, dudes kissing dudes, chicks kissing chicks – I still have no idea what the big deal is. I really don’t know how it is offensive whether they were born that way or chose to be that way. Who fucking cares?! Have a fucking field day kissing people who want to kiss you, a fucking field day with it.

WHAT ELSE?

Clare and Nikki look like they’re crying their fucking eyes out in the next/final episode.

More and more it seems like people are thinking Juan Pablo isn’t going to select anyone like the legendary Brad Womack. 

Juan Pablo’s family seems to be warning these girls instead of inviting them to be with their son.

So, yeah. Got a million questions left unanswered about what “really” happened on the show because they never explain anything… like what’s the deal with Juan Pablo taking Nikki on that date to the Miami Marlins stadium and telling her that it’s his “office”? What the fuck was that about? Isn’t Juan Pablo a sham music agent or something? 

Anyway… one more week.

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