I’M ENGAGED – THANK YOU, KRISTEN STEWART!

March 7, 2014

WHAT. UP.

Well, loyal readers & readerettes…

or…

Well, people who find this blog because they’re looking for Gail Simmons’ cleavage pictures aka my “soulmates”…

I

GOT

ENGAGED!

BOOM!

Yerp.

All that stuff in those pictures, I gave to this lady and that lady will now marry me. Ain’t that crazy? It feels pretty crazy. I think maybe the craziest part is the idea where I put 4 dozen roses because simply handing said lady a diamond ring that meant that I wanted to officially tell the world that I wanted to marry her with this expensive ass ring — not ass-ring, although judging by me emails with my friends it almost was an ass-ring — and — wait, I’m starting to realize that saying what I said kind of makes the ass-ring comment seem even more absurd than if I didn’t say it at all, just let your mind wander and be rest assured that my friends are perverted lunatics like yours truly… anyway — where was I?

Right! I thought giving her a diamond ring really needed to have some frills added to it with flowers, candles, and champagne because really diamond rings are not enough as is, right? Either way, 4 dozen roses and 2 bottles of champagne and 1 diamond ring.

And she said — Yes.

And cried.

A bunch.

Oh right, “she” is, of course, Danielle aka @_dharv aka valued commenter heyyybrother.

Yep.

Ain’t that fucking nuts!??!?!?!

I MET THAT CHICK THROUGH THIS FUCKING WEBSITE!

THIS ONE!

THE ONE YOU’RE READING RIGHT FUCKING NOW!

HOW INSANE IS THAT?!?!?!?

OK CUPID CAN GO FUCK ITSELF! MATCH.COM CAN GO FUCK ITSELF! PLENTY OF FISH — while I never filled out my profile entirely — CAN GO FUCK ITSELF! NOT ONLY THAT, BARS CAN GO FUCK THEMSELVES! … I do love “bars” as an idea, but I’m talking about the dating scene at bars in general… FUCK ALL Y’ALL’S TIRED ASS NEVER HELPED ME FIND A LADY! 

You know what did find me the love of my life —> THIS MOTHERFUCKING BLOG! 

HAVE YOU BEEN PAYING ATTENTION?!?!?!?! I FOUND HER THROUGH THIS RIGHT HERE!!!

Actually…

SHE FOUND ME THROUGH THIS FUCKING WEBSITE!!!! 

Seriously, she found me. That’s nuts. It’s all crazy and I’m so happy it happened.

I mean what is this website? Well, it is a reflection of me and my humor and my crazy brain.

But, what is this website… really? It’s in the fucking title, people!

KRISTEN STEWART WANTS IT!!!!!

OH MY GOD! LOOK HOW MUCH SHE FUCKING WANTS IT! THIS PHOTO IS FROM FUCKING LAST YEAR AND SHE STILL WANTS IT AS BAD AS EVER! LOOK AT THAT SHIT! HOLY CHRIST! IT’S AMAZING THE FILM FROM THE CAMERA DIDN’T IGNITE INTO FLAMES LIKE THAT SCENE IN GHOSTBUSTERS 2 WITH VIGO THE CARPATHIAN AND THE KRAMER HAIRED DWEEB JANOSZ IN THE DARK ROOM! REMEMBER THAT SCENE?!?!?! IT NEVER GETS OLD! LOOK AT ALL THAT FUCKING WANT! IT’S TOO MOTHERFUCKING MUCH TOO TAKE! THE WANT IS SO FUCKING POWERFUL THAT IT DOESN’T EVEN MATTER THAT KRISTEN STEWART IS WEARING A QUINCENEARA-INSPIRED BEDAZZLED TOP!!!!

WOOO!!!!

I remember it like it was yesterday. Sitting in my cubicle at Schering-Plough deciding that I would watch TWILIGHT with the sound off just to see what the deal was with this movie because 3 of my co-workers — two of them being single females and one being a married Polish gentleman — wouldn’t shut up about it and I thought -> How bad could it really be? It’s about vampires! And, vampire movies “suck” as in they’re “sucking terrible” in general. There were maybe two good vampire movies that had been made at the time and one of them was the almighty BLADE and the other was probably BLADE: TRINITY. Honestly, as alluring as vampires are – movies that have been made about them are terrible. It’s amazing that BRAMS STOKER’S DRACULA starring Gary Oldman wasn’t seen as a spoof on Brams Stoker’s Dracula because it is HILARIOUS and RIDICULOUS. Maybe one of the funnier movies you’ll ever watch. Anyway…

Sitting in my cubicle, I saw it. I should, I saw IT. IT!

I saw Kristen Stewart and her motherfucking WANT.

IT’S A FUCKING LASER PLUS THE BUNNY TEETH! HOW CAN BUNNY TEETH WANT IT THIS BADLY!!??!?!?!?!

I had no clue — repeat, NO CLUE — what was happening in that damn movie. Thoroughly confused by everything from the way the people looked and the wigs, why did everyone seem like such a fucking dork, all the time spent in the forest, but most of all… I could figure out the simplest thing —> who did this Kristen Stewart want because it seemed like she wanted EVERYBODY.

Yeah, she WANTED the pale faced 30 year old high school kid who can stop cars with one hand and run around the forest with her on his back and run up trees like a fucking weirdo.

But…

Kristen Stewart also looked like she totally wanted that creepy Native American, cousin It who seemed to know her dad…

But…

Was that her dad? Or was it her older lover because Kristen Stewart looked like she totally wanted that sad sack sheriff…

But…

Did she also want those nerdy kids who tried to be her friend at school? Because Kristen Stewart wanted the shit out of all of them. I’m not going to say especially Anna Kendrick – although that would be amazing and I’m still cool writing that Helen Keller/Anne Sullivan movie where it really delves into their lesbian backstory – because frankly Kristen Stewart’s want seemed to be more than enough for everyone to receive intense amount of want eye-fucking.

But…

There was, of course, that Native American guy in the wheel chair…

Or what about the powder faced people in the awful blonde wigs? Kirsten Stewart totally wanted them! And, there was that other girl with the early-SNL Tina Fey hair cut. Kristen Stewart wanted that chick’s spiky hair! The black dude with dreads?! How could I forget about that guy? Kristen Stewart wanted him too! You know what else? Kristen Stewart totally wanted the shit out of the dumbest scene in movie history when the vampires played old-timey baseball in a thunderstorm and I legit almost put my foot through my computer monitor while screaming “THERE’S NO HOPE FOR THE CHILDREN OF OUR FUTURE!”

Anyway, I finished watching the movie including its confusing as fuck ending with the “fight scene” aka “pushing contest” taking place in the complete dark that I had no clue who was doing what to whom and I went Kristen Stewart’s IMDB page and I went to Google pictures of Kristen Stewart and EVERY picture I saw was the same thing…

FUCKING WANT!

Whether she’s dressed up like some Oklahoma hobo, she fucking wants IT.

And, I told some people about it and they agreed.

And, then I decided to start a free blog about it to open the eyes of others and to hopefully find it amusing.

And, sure enough, the completely expected next thing happened…

I FOUND MY FUTURE FUCKING WIFE!

Weird, right?

And she lived like 30 minutes away.

Fucking grade-A hilarious and weird and I’m so thankful that it did happen, obviously.

So…

Yeah.

I’ve met a lot of great people in general because of this site. Something that I absolutely never expected, but I have met a lot of great people because of this site. I think this site helped me get a few comedy writing articles on AOL’s men’s site Asylum and ladies’ site Lemondrop. And, I ended up meeting Danielle because of this site and we’ve been together for 3.5 years, own a house together, own a pitbull together who has the softest head in the history of soft-kind, and, now, we’re engaged (Danielle and I, not the dog and I – all though we do spend an inordinate amount of time together).

I’m not sure what I’ve learned through all of this. I guess not being afraid of being yourself because you can never guess what another person will find alluring about you, so keep being you and there’s a good chance someone will fall in love with your insanity because that happened here at least.

And…

I really wish Kristen Stewart knew that this happened. I think it’s pretty funny and would be surprised if she or really anyone didn’t find this the least bit amusing. Of course, Kristen Stewart has an open-invitation to the wedding as well… all she needs to do is WANT ONE!

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6 Responses to “I’M ENGAGED – THANK YOU, KRISTEN STEWART!”

  1. NixHaw said

    Well, it’s about time 😉

    I’m really happy for you both. Really really. You crazy kids are getting married! My Friday has become a happier place. As it was a sucky Friday. So thanks for that!

  2. I’m your “future fucking wife”!

  3. tiffanized said

    Operation Find & Bang was more successful than we ever thought.

    I totally wanted to comment that yesterday on Facebook. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to do it here.

    Let me know when your eventual children start blogging about the trauma of reading their parents’ courtship in the form of haiku, suit lust, and sister wife competitions.

    This is a beautiful thing. I love you people.

  4. susanelle said

    Aw, this is so great, and so sweet. Congrats.

  5. PWG said

    Love you guys, so happy for you. Congratulations and I haven’t finished reading this yet but just saw the headline and had to raise myself from the dead to say this rocks.

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