The Bachelor – FINALE – I Love Fucking You

March 11, 2014

BOOYAH!!!!!

THIS MAN IS HUMAN GARBAGE!!!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

AND…

I WOULD GLADLY CALL HIM AN IDIOT TO HIS IDIOT FACE!!!

..

.

Hello, everybody! How are you?

So, if you were on the fence about whether or not fuck wit Juan Pablo is a fucking idiot, then last night provided a much needed shove to get you off the fence and onto the side of right where everyone else knew that Juan Pablo was a grade A douchebag since the first time he demanded BESITOS! from the ‘girls”.

A friend of my mine referred to Juan Pablo as an EMOTIONLESS KISSING MACHINE and in fact that friend is a 100% correct genius because Juan Pablo is both emotionless and a never ending conveyer belt of kisses for these lovely ladies who he couldn’t give any less fucks about.

Before we get to Clare and Nikki specifically, let’s talk about Juan Pablo’s family and…

HOW THEY THINK HE IS AN UNLIKABLE DICKBAG!

Right?

Clare and Nikki clearly couldn’t give any less of a fuck what Juan Pablo’s family was saying to them. Seriously, no one gave a fuck about what anyone was saying on that show because they were so laser focused on their goal…

Clare’s goal – being in love with Juan Pablo no matter what

Nikki’s goal – winning the show

Juan Pablo’s goal – BESITOS!!!!!!!! ALL THE BESITOS!!! DROWNING IN BESITOS!!! GIVE ME THEM BESITOS!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!

Both Clare and Nikki meet Juan Pablo’s dad, mom, his brother with adult braces who had the squirreliest laugh, his sister, JP’s daughter KAH-MEEL-LA – sidenote: every time JP says his daughter’s name it’s like this Joan Crawford delivery like Camilla is going to come bursting through some French doors wearing this silk robe with her eyes lit with fire, right? -, and JP’s niece… maybe a brother in law? I don’t know, but NONE of them said ANYTHING positive about Juan Pablo. In fact, everything they said about Juan Pablo wore WARNING SIGNS as to why you should NEVER be with that asshat. This is what they said about him…

1. RUDE… that was the #1 thing that his mom, his fucking mom, said about him. She literally called him rude and both Nikki and Clare took that as nothing. They either ignored it or pretended like it was a lost in translation moment. NO! She’s calling her son fucking rude. Fucking snap the fuck out of it! HE’S RUDE! Think about that! To the ladies out there, if your girlfriend was setting you up on a blinddate and she told you that the guy she wants you to meet is “rude” – wouldn’t you think your friend is fucking nuts?! Not only that, but it’s like the first thing she has to say about him. And this is much worse because it’s his mom. Hey, you wanna marry my son, did you notice he’s a rude dickhead? Huh? You didn’t well… you’re an idiot.

2. SIMPLE… That was the closest thing to a positive comment that the mom said about JP. He’s simple. He doesn’t go out and do things. He sits around on the couch and is simple. Sweet.

3. WILL TOTALLY BREAK UP WITH YOU… That’s pretty much the gist of everything that the brother said about Juan Pablo. He’s not a person who sticks through the tough times. He flat out said that to Nikki and she just smiled and pretended like that’s not a horrible thing. Oh yeah, if there’s any problems in the relationship then Juan Pablo has no problem ending it and leaving you forever. Oh yeah?! There’s a great line about men needing approval like women need security… guess the fuck what? There ain’t no security with Juan Pablo… and I know that’s a double negative and I was just joking. THERE IS NO SECURITY WITH JUAN PABLO. He’s a callow, vain, asshole and you two dolts are fighting to get married to him? Unbelievable.

THIS WAS HIS FAMILY SAYING THIS SHIT!!! Seriously, who has a nice word to say about this guy minus the idiot girls chasing after him? I hope each and everyone of the girls who were on the Bachelor realize what fucking shallow idiots they are for giving that moron their besitos. Seriously, he’s a scumbag. And, add to that, let’s talk about his looks – he’s not like a one in a million hunk. Like he’s good looking, but he’s also straight creepy and not at all cool. Like he does baby voices and acts boyish and is utterly incapable of having a conversation. I mean how ugly could have the other bachelors been for this guy to really stick out? I don’t whatever… moving on.

Both Clare and Nikki got ABSOLUTELY NOTHING out of the family meeting because they didn’t learn anything. They didn’t take heed of what the family was telling them and they just smiled and gave more besitos and acted like brainless saps for another day.

BUT… then there was Clare’s helicopter ride.

I LOVE FUCKING YOU!

I wish I had the fucking insight, the fucking brilliance to have put that on a Hallmark card when I proposed last Thursday. Hey, I love fucking you… let’s get married.

For whatever reason, Clare and Juan Pablo were on a helicopter and when they landed there was a period of time with no microphones or cameras and in that moment where Juan Pablo made the decision to say something in secret to Clare — mind you, totally didn’t have to say anything or could have chosen to say just about anything else — and what he told her was that…

A. They didn’t really know each other that well.

and…

B. He loved fucking her.

BOOM-SHOCK-AH-LOCK-AH!!!!

CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE SAYING THAT EVER?!

Can you even imagine that even being said in a movie? Like even in a raunchy sex comedy, I’m sure there’s been something close to that, but never at that insane of a moment. He has time to say like two quick things to her and what he says is that she’s pretty much a stranger and he really enjoyed putting his penis inside of her vagina. Unreal, Hall of Fame shit bag.

AND!!!! SURPRISINGLY!!!!

Clare did not enjoy that comment.

AND!!!! SURPRISINGLY!!!

Clare confronted Juan Pablo about it.

AND!!!! NOT SURPRISINGLY!!!!

Clare allowed Juan Pablo to shit on her more and shit took that as something and she continued to be on the show then took a speed boat to some island looking hot in some dress and stupidly wore high heels on a sandy beach and then walked to meet Juan Pablo and then told him how much she loved him and respected him and had faith in him and then he…

FUCKING FIRED HER ASS!!!! WOOO!!!

Like a cold-blooded super villain, Juan Pablo just sat there and listened and listened to weeks of Clare pouring her heart out to him, fucking him, giving him all the besitos he wanted, and in the end he just broke her heart and dumped her like it was nothing because in the end she was nothing to him… which he had clearly illustrated to her in that helicopter and many times over, but she was in love with him or forced herself to be in love with him for whatever fucking reason.

AND!!! SURPRISINGLY!!!!

Clare got pissed and told Juan Pablo off.

Clare walked away talking some trash on the fool and didn’t want to hear what he had to say, which is good on her, and when she was outside of ear shot… Juan Pablo was like…

GOOD RIDDANCE!!!!

Dude is a fucking shit heel and a half, I’ll tell ya. Amazing stuff from that fucking moron.

After a couple commercial breaks, we’ve got dumbass Nikki in heels taking that same speed boat and wearing an even more revealing dress and is standing in front of Juan Pablo so he can tell her that with an engagement ring in his pocket he would like to…

DATE!!!!

That’s about it.

Seriously, Nikki struts up there nervous as shit and proposes to him basically telling him she loves him and all that and he just blankly stares into her eyes telling her he has an engagement ring in his pocket, but he’s not going to use it and instead would like to keep dating because honestly who knows what could happen with them… and the bitch said sure because she’s a fucking idiot.

And the show ended with sweaty Juan Pablo groping this fine 27 year old doe-eyed moron Nikki and telling her not to get “cranky”.

THAT’S HOW THE FUCKING SHOW ENDED?!!!?!?!?!?!?

Juan Pablo telling the one chick he chose to not get cranky. Fucking unbelievable.

If you’re a guy out there wondering if you’re better or more romantic than THE BACHELOR, GUESS THE FUCK WHAT —- YOU ARE!!! Sitting down with your girlfriend, wife, whatever to watch The Bachelor with her is more romantic than Juan Pablo is St. Lucia dressed in a suit telling Nikki in her dress to not be fucking cranky.

Ugh.

TELL HER YOU LOVE HER, YOU FUCK!

So, the live show “after the final rose” or whatever gave us the behind-the-scenes look at Juan Pablo and host Chris Harrison’s not good relationship. I don’t know if I would call them enemies, but they definitely do not like each other and Harrison was going to try and show what an ass-clown Juan Pablo was.

The main point? Juan Pablo never said he “loved” Nikki.

Supposedly, Nikki and Juan Pablo are still dating although they haven’t seen each other in like 4 months. Either way, Juan Pablo doesn’t say he’s in love with Nikki and only says they’re having a good time. And, that was clearly not enough for Mr. Harrison or Disney or ABC or the people watching the show as Harrison tried to get Juan Pablo to say he loves Nikki or try to get him to understand why it’s odd that he won’t say it meanwhile she has said it to him.

Juan Pablo also contests that Nikki and him will go off and live a private life together, which makes sense BECAUSE THEY MET ON THE FUCKING THE BACHELOR. How on Earth does a person meet someone on a TV show and think that’s the end of it? Why would it be? You didn’t meet her in a private situation. If you were private, you would have done this in private. Instead, you did it on TV and now that that has come back to bite you because you’re an unlikable fuck, now you want everything will be in private.

I couldn’t have given less of a fuck about previous bachelor Sean considering I never watched his season, but the dude came off as a damn reasonable genius and so does his bachelor winning wife as Juan Pablo is like, “Now, we live in private.” and Sean is like, “I just got married on television you idiot because I met this chick on television.” Anyway… JP’s a moron.

The best part of the live episode was when Nikki and Juan Pablo are sitting there, Chris says that Juan Pablo has a surprise for us because he told the producers he has a surprise and so he asks Juan Pablo what the surprise is and Juan Pablo says he has no surprise and doesn’t know what Chris is talking about.

GENIUS!

Juan Pablo totally trolled and pranked and made Chris/ABC/Disney look like idiots – AGAIN!

Amazing, the dude is a fucking piece of shit.

Also, Juan Pablo talked about the people in the computers saying mean shit to him and not saying it to his face. Well, I’m one of those mean people in the computers saying mean shit to him and couldn’t give any less of a flying fuck as to what Juan Pablo thinks and would gladly tell that doofus all this in person. He’s a fucking The Bachelorette contestant, not a former world champion boxer. Who the hell is afraid of telling Juan Pablo he’s a dirtbag to his face? Even his family is calling him it. The only person who seems to not see it is now Nikki.

As for the rest of the girls, well, Sharleen was all gothed up for some reason.

And, Andi is the new The Bachelorette because why the fuck not. Seriously, you get burned by the show, but you don’t fucking care because the allure of being a celebrity is just too damn high. JP did it, so why not Andi, right?

Best part was Andi saying that her job as an assistant district attorney for the city of Atlanta is not her top priority. I really hope someone in the city’s office caught wind of that and may have reconsidered how secure her job will be when she gets back from kissing 30 idiot dudes for the next few months.

In conclusion… not sure I’ll ever watch that show again. That was my first season, good chance it was my last.

2 Responses to “The Bachelor – FINALE – I Love Fucking You”

  1. ronnie said

    I would like to meet a lady close to me

  2. ronnie said

    im a 60 year old man that is honest and I don’t play games

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