!!!!!! I’M BACK !!!!!!

April 1, 2014

WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

RIGHT?!?!?!?!?!

WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

RIGHT?!?!?!?!?!?

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Hmmmm…

Well, April Fools?

Nah, I’m not back, but I am.

I haven’t posted in like forever, but I’m still around and I think of all of you so fondly in my head movies at night.

Us together forever riding unicorns through the dreamy deserts!

I sang that in my head when I wrote that… I kind of sing-songed the rhyme of together forever and then just kind of ran with it.

ANYWAY!

I’m still neck deep in this UFC descriptions project. I’ve got another solid month of writing them. And, I think there’s a chance I’ll need to do some more in May as well. They budgeted me for almost all of the descriptions that will go up on UFC’s Netflix-like product Fight Pass, but there are descriptions that need to be written that they didn’t ask me to do and I don’t see anyone else doing them, so I’ll probably end up doing them, but maybe someone else will tackle them while I’m spending the next month doing the ones they already are having me do. WHO KNOWS?!?!?! SO MUCH DRAMA AND INTRIGUE, RIGHT!??!?!!?!?!?!?

Anywhatzzle…

So, what’s even happening anymore?

I signed up for OBAMACARE.

Yep. In my head, when I signed up for Obamacare, a tea party supporter bit the inside of their lip and couldn’t stop biting it for the rest of the day causing all of their meals to be filled with more pain and paranoia than they usually have.

I did see that HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER’s series finale has pissed off the misguided loyalty of its viewers.

I watched a few seasons of the show and stopped when Barney and Robin got together. That was the end of the show for me, but I think it went on for like 5 more years after that or something, so that’s crazy pants that people were still watching it for that long. While the show wasn’t as bad as something like TWO AND A HALF MEN, it was easily one of the most repetitive shows on TV though. You could pretty much watch any episode of that show from any season and never need more than a 10 second prologue to be fully caught up to speed about what’s happening and seemingly can be said for the end of the show.

So, the mom’s dead? And, the kids want their dad to bone Cobie Smulders? I found him to be a terrible narrator, but he’s an amazing father if he got his kids on board with that plan. I would feel like the kids proper reaction after hearing an 8 or so year long story about how the dad was traipsing around NYC getting drunk and hooking up with strange puss for years on end that the kids reaction at the end of the story would be something like, “Dad, you’re fucking gross! WHY DID YOU TELL US ANY OF THAT?!?!?!?! Especially, me your daughter! You have talked endlessly about the complete lack of importance you have ascribed to females’ brains or feelings or thoughts and instead have spent an inordinate amount of time telling me about you and uncle Barney’s misogynist tales of banging! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!? Also, your son will now treat women with the same lack of reverence that you have shown. So, sure, go fuck Aunt Robin because you’re a pervy dad who simply needs our say-so to get your rocks off. You disgust me.”

SABOTAGE bombed.

That was obvious. It bombed worse than most people could have expected, but it bombed like everyone should have expected. That movie looks fucking terrible. Maybe the best part of that movie is that Sam Worthington – CLASH OF THE TITANS and AVATAR – got fat for it and shaved his head and wears this nasty fake goattee braid in the movie. It’s funny to think anyone would ugly themselves up to that point for such an obviously terrible movie, but maybe it’s a strategy because he got paid and no one will remember that he was in it, so it can’t truly hurt whatever future projects his short acting career will have.

Honestly, I liked TERMINATOR: SALVATION. He was in that. It wasn’t great, but it wasn’t bad in my opinion. It was thoroughly watchable and had some decent moments in it.

THE WALKING DEAD is fucking awful.

It’s been awful and it continues to be awful and the season finale was… AWFUL.

Seriously, they typed out that final sentence of – they don’t know who they’re messing with – and thought that was fucking great. Seriously?! We’re like a 1000 seasons into this show and that’s the BEST you’ve got? That’s fucking bullshit. Like bad bullshit. What’s going to happen next season? Oh, probably Rick is going to sneak off into the woods and dig up that bag he buried out there and his unlimited ammo, God weapon revolver will save the fucking day? Ugh… who the fuck cares?! Seriously?!

MAD MEN is starting up.

Just fucking end that show as well! I mean I have to give a lot of credit to that show for its first few seasons, but the last few have been awful. The first few seasons will be in humanity’s debt for ever because it gave us Jon Hamm who is extremely talented, Christina Hendricks who is a decent enough actress although she really doesn’t get to do much, but good Heavens her boobs are more holy than any shroud of Turin, Elisabeth Moss is great, John Slattery is great, January Jones is pretty great although she freaks me out with the whole placenta eating thing, but you can’t blame Mad Men for that, Alison Brie is great and that was really shown in COMMUNITY, uhhh the guy who plays Pete Campbell is great as Pete Campbell, and I don’t know… like a buttload of masturbatory fantasies involving fashion from the late 50’s early 60’s.

BAD WORDS was solid.

Danielle and I watched Jason Bateman’s directorial debut the other night. It was good. It definitely made me laugh a bunch. The pacing was slow and it felt like a lot longer movie than it was, but I did enjoy the movie though.

DIVERGENT? Meh?

I have no desire to see it. I really don’t have much desire to see the next couple HUNGER GAMES movies, but I definitely will. I mean Jennifer Lawrence is fun to look at and I’ve already seen the first two. Honestly, I didn’t like CATCHING FIRE. I liked the first movie. I had issues with parts of it, but I liked it more than I didn’t like it. The second movie really irritated me. I felt like it made less sense and I felt like I was less attached to these people.

It’s tough writing mystery, sabotage, political intrigue, thriller stories. It’s so antithetical that that is what is written for kids or tweens or whoever. Mystery as a genre is very difficult. Actually, creating a mystery and have its truths revealed with the right amount of tension and so forth is about one of the most difficult things someone can do. Meanwhile, mystery is a genre that is usually tackled by some writers who are not writing for a high-minded audience. Mystery novels fill supermarket shelves and essentially most horror movies are mysteries.

It’s like rap music. Rappers are gleefully uneducated, but they’re tackling a genre of music where they more often than not need to write more lyrics, lyrics that rhyme, lyrics that are clever, lyrics that match a particular beat, and so on. Why did they choose such a difficult genre of music? It’s nuts.

Hunger Games couldn’t be more complicated if it tried and yet it’s meant for people who are looking for the breeziest read. Meanwhile, there are highly-regarded dramas that needed to go through the littlest effort in comparison. I’m not saying 12 YEARS A SLAVE was easy, but c’mon it’s a drama about slavery… you show a scene of a slave owner whipping a slave and everyone is on the edge of their seat in tears, meanwhile Hunger Games has alien birds that mimic what they hear or shoot fireballs or something – I have no idea what’s going on in that movie.

Anywayz…

I got an email a bit ago that was confirming the shipment of 6 packs of pepper bacon that Danielle and I ordered the other day, so that’s pretty badass.

Danielle is leaving me this weekend to go drink with her friends on the beaches of Jamaica and she’s trying to make me feel sorry for her about it. Ohhh, I just want to spend that time with you and Coco on the couch watching COPS marathons. … YEAH THE FUCK, RIGHT! Pffffttt… my ass may be dumb, but I ain’t a dumbass. You’re going to be living it up in Jamaica. I’ll be lucky if you return to watch COPS marathons with me without saying, “When I was in Jamaica we would play on the beach. Why don’t we play on the beach?” Women, am I right?

I hope you’re all sexting it up.

I love you all.

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