The Bachelorette – PROLOGUE – Judging A Book Without A Cover

May 13, 2014

HELLO!!!!

TWO POSTS IN A ROW!!!! WHAT KIND OF TIME TRAVEL HELLSCAPE WORLD DID WE WORMHOLE OURSELVES UP DOWN INTO OUT OF?!?!?!?

Yerp. I’m here with another post. My first consecutive posting venture in over a month. CRAZY!!!

And, as the title suggests, it’s going to be about…

THE BACHELORETTE

dunh… DunH… DUNH!!!!!

I need to stop using all these exclamation point marks. People might get the wrong idea that I’m not just sitting on a couch in the clothes I slept in and sitting next to my dog who is also sitting around in the clothes she slept in and there is literally nothing that is “exclaim” worthy happening around us.

Well, I did make eggs. EGGS!!!! And, BACON!!! OH AND IT WAS DELICIOUS!!!

Back to the matter at hand…

I had a dream with Shaquille O’Neal in it. And, “Shaq” was starring in his own TV show in my dream. The show had people send in family or friends photos to Shaq that are embarrassing photos that have little to no explanation of what is happening in them and Shaq would get to the bottom of why this weird photo of that person exists. Later, Shaq would recreate the photo with the person. Honestly, I would watch that show. Like if people sent in those weird engagement photos that find themselves circulating every week or so on a Buzzfeed list and Shaq met those weirdos and then got the story from them and then took a similar picture with them like that… I’d watch that show.

I am on the fence about watching the new season of THE BACHELORETTE starring everyone’s favorite Atlanta lawyer Andi from the last season of the Bachelor.

I’m not 100% positive I’ll watch this show.

First and foremost, how could the show live up to the insanity of last season’s Bachelor with the one and the only Juan Pablo eeeessss ohhh kay.

That was the first season I have ever watched and it’s got to be the best season of that show as far as pure entertainment. So, I’m not that interested in watching a less entertaining season this year to sully my experience with the show.

Also, Danielle and I are leaving for Alaska on Thursday. Yes, THAT Alaska. We’ll be doing one of those Alaskan cruises you hear about if you grew up in a white suburb probably. So, this season of the Bachelorette starts this coming Monday and Danielle and I will be on a cruise and not watching the show. I’m not sure if that means when we do get back to dry land in New Jersey the following week that I’ll go out of my way to watch the first episode DVRed or blah blah who knows!

At the same time, I did have a lot of fun TWEETING about the Bachelor last season.

Either way… We’re talking about The Bachelorette today because I thought WHY THE FUCK NOT!

E! Online posted a one line description about the competitors for Andi’s heart and loins and I thought I would go through these faceless and first named men – http://www.eonline.com/news/541235/the-bachelorette-meet-andi-s-suitors-and-find-out-how-they-re-honoring-eric-hill?utm_source=eonline – …

BUT!!!

Before we get to the dongs, let’s remind everyone about Andi who is the star of this season and who these men will be passive-aggressively competing for…

Andi Dorfman was 26 on The Bachelor, so she’s probably 27 now. She’s an Assistant District Attorney in Atlanta, Georgia. Or at least, she was. She has spent several months on reality TV shows, so who knows if Atlanta allows people to go on sabbatical to find love in the most hopeless place – an ABC “reality” program. Also, at the end of last season she did say that her job didn’t mean much to her, so I doubt a boss or two of hers loved that. She’s pretty, which is a given – not many uggos on this TV show. Although, she did overstate her prettiness at the beginning of last season when she basically said she was too pretty to be an Assistant DA. C’mon girl! You good, but you ain’t that good.

Andi is most famous for making it to the top 3 of last season and having an overnight with Juan Pablo and then coming out of the overnight with her mind forever blown and changed like Moses seeing the burning bush that she couldn’t go back to pretending to be into Juan Pablo. She shit on Juan Pablo – verbally, not literally – and left the show.

I’ll remember Andi most for wearing one-piece bathing suits on the last season of the Bachelor. They were quite memorable. About 89% of that show was spent with Juan Pablo and whatever ladies were on screen – all in their swimsuits of choice. Most of the women went for the bikini. Not Andi. Andi had a litany of one-piece bathing suits that she pulled off quite well.

So, what made Andi different from all the other girls who barely spoke and spent their entire time in Asian countries with Juan Pablo giggling at whatever two words he said or with his tongue down their throat? Andi was a brunette, wore a one-piece bathing suit, and walked off the show.

NOW!!!! Let’s meet the men she’ll pretend to fall in love with!!! WOOOOO!!!!

Andrew, 30, a social media marketer from Culver City, CA

He wants to be famous. Not that there’s anything from with that Andrew – which there’s no way she’s picking this guy because he’s Andrew and she’s Andi… ANDY & ANDI … – because I’m guessing most of these people just want to be famous, but this guy DEFINITELY wants to be famous. If you’re not familiar with “Culver City”, California – it’s pretty much just South West Hollywood. If you’re making a living being famous on TV or in the movies or whatever then you’re in Los Angeles and you’re in Hollywood or Culver City. It’s all the show biz world and most definitely Andrew is some failed actor who had to get a desk job tweeting for some successful actor and now he’s making The Bachelorette his big break. You know there’s even a small chance that he does that fly-by-night industry of “social media marketing” for ABC or Disney or something like that and someone was like, “You know who would be perfect for this… Andrew? Right? The guy who tweets for us and has no real social life?”

Even more so, no one is FROM Culver City. He may live there, but people move there and are not born there unless they’re a pod person or they’re a celebrity’s kid.

Bradley, 32, an opera singer from Holland, MI

Are you fucking shitting me? Another opera singer?! This is some fucking horseshit and a half. How many opera singers are there in this world? 12. Seriously? Are there more than 12 opera singers? I doubt it. What? 15? Is it 15? I was SOOOOO off with my guess of 12. Anyway, Bradley can FUCK OFF. No way in Hell Andi picks this opera singer if he actually is even an opera singer. Lord knows she has bad memories of Sharlene stuck in her head and she’s not going to bang the opera singer from Michigan.

Brett, 29, a hairstylist from Westminster, PA

Gay. Are we even debating this? ARE WE EVEN DEBATING THIS!?!?!? I’m not saying gay guys don’t make great temporary boyfriends for single/lonely straight girls. They make wonderful temporary boyfriends who will hug you, cry with you, watch whatever Bravo TV shows you need to watch to get through these tough times, talk shit on other girls with you, but at the end of the day they’re going to leave you when someone from Grindr pings their phone within a 5 mile radius of them. So, Brett can easily go on the first show.

Brian, 27, a basketball coach from Camp Hill, PA

Ok. Could be promising. I’ve had some weird ass sports coaches in my day, but there are some good ones as well. What level of basketball are we talking? I’m sure if it was college or NBA they would probably mention that. High school? Is that a full-time job? Is he coaching little kids? Is he just freelance coaching? He’s arguably the same age as Andi, which isn’t a negative. There’s basketball in Georgia, so she can always get him to move his dubious basketball coaching to Georgia.

Big issue… GIRLS HATE BASKETBALL. Well, not ALL girls, but it’s not one of the sports I hear from the majority of girls liking for one reason or another. Like hockey. I feel like girls like hockey or say they do because they’re just imagining the figure skating without all the other stuff. Nevertheless, I don’t often hear about girls loving basketball. Baseball? Sure. Why? Who the fuck knows because baseball is boring shite, but whatever it’s America’s past-time. Football? I mean it’s fucking America, right? But basketball is kind of dude oriented. The WNBA isn’t a big deal to women. And, dudes love hoops because there is this innate desire to dunk and I’m not sure chicks fantasize about dunking the way dudes do.

Either way, if Andi doesn’t mind hoops then sure. If she does mind hoops, then Brian stands no chance.

Carl, 30, a firefighter from Fort Lauderdale, FL

He’s from the South, being a firefighter is a good job with a flexible schedule, he’s probably in shape. Also, firefighters have a reputation of being man-whores. Well, at least in the North East. I guess that’s universal, right? Firefighters going out to bars getting bombed on random nights of the week and hooking up with broads who are also martini drunk on a Tuesday. But Carl is 30, so maybe he’s sewed his wild oats or whatever that fucking phrase is.

Chris, 32, a farmer from Arlington, IA

Nope. Andi is a city girl. Chris is going to need be the HANDSOMEST farmer ever to make it anywhere near even the third episode of this show. What’s he farming? It better be something cool and “organic” or city girl Andi won’t care. If it’s just like corn then she won’t give a fuck. Oh, I get all the corn I want? Fuck you! I already do get all the corn I want – it’s called a supermarket and it’s already shucked for me, you dope.

Cody, 28, a personal trainer from Chicago, IL

Meh. I bet he’ll make it pretty far because of his job of being in shape and being from Chicago. Chicago isn’t that exotic, but when he’s in the middle of a pack of gay hairdressers, tweeters, and a farmer from Iowa – the Second City seems like fucking Madrid at that point. I’m not a fan of the name “Cody”, but whatevs. I think we’ll see a bunch of Cody unless he’s a complete and utter tool, which there is a possibility of. At the same time!!!! I’ve been to Chicago a few times and I have not really run into too many “alpha male” types, so maybe their personal trainers are also kind of on the softer-side.

By the way, have you noticed something different about this cast of characters that was not the case for Juan Pablo? AGE APPROPRIATE. This is an ENORMOUS double standard. I’m not sure if 26/27 year old Andi would really want a bunch of 21 year old dudes trying to get inside of her, but that’s what Juan Pablo had. JP was 32, right? And Andi was 6 years younger than him. Andi has no 20 year olds to choose from. Most of these guys are older than her. A bunch are around 30 meanwhile JP was over 30 and he only had 3 girls who were over 30. That’s a crazy double standard. Andi should have a few college freshman dudes on this show. That would be amazeballs.

Anyway…

Craig, 29, a tax accountant from Denver, CO

How much weed does this guy smoke, am I right? That’s a decent enough selling point if Andi likes to smoke weed, you know. She gets to move to where it’s legal with no red flags and then she can live off this guy’s boring job’s income and smoke all the ganja she can handle. Good chance that Craig can’t talk to girls, right? Dude’s 29 and has such a boring sounding job. All it would take is for one of the guys, maybe the personal trainer or the firefighter, to call Craig “Turbo Tax” for Andi to never respect him or his penis ever again.

Dylan, 26, an accountant from Boston, MA

If he has the accent then he’s gone in a heartbeat. Seriously, only a muh-thuh could love that dumbass Boston accent. An accountant? He could be making a nice living, so there’s that. But again, that fucking accent! She’ll also have to love the Red Sox, which is a cross to bear in its own right. Plus, his name is Dylan. Have you met any Dylans in your life that you like? I’m not sure I have. Right off the top of my head I can’t name a Dylan I like. I just typed into google “dylan” to see if a famous Dylan would come up that I like and nope. So, fuck Dylan.

Emil, 33, a helicopter pilot from Costa Mesa, CA

If he’s just white then fuck this idiot. Right? Emil? Ugh. Where did they find these guys? The stupid name store? Jeez. Well, a helicopter pilot can’t be as bad as a REAL pilot. Don’t get together with a REAL pilot. Those guys ALWAYS have second families and several other dysfunctions. Ok, so a helicopter pilot? Well, if he does have a second family then you’ll find out about it quick because helicopters can’t travel THAT far. I mean there’s a chance that his second family lives in the next town and you’ll figure that out quick enough. I mean am I just feeding into bad stereotypes thinking he might have a drinking problem? Anyway, I have no clue how good or bad a helicopter pilot is as a job. It’s too weird to wrap your brain around, so Andi will drop him. Although, there should be an episode where he flies her somewhere in his copter

Eric, 31, an explorer from Citrus Heights, CA

Fuck you, Magellan. Eric? Eric the explorer? Fuck this guy. I hope he trips and falls out of the limo on his way to shake Andi’s hand and he goes stumbling off some cliff into a spiky rock cave below that we can name Eric’s End. Fuck Eric.

Jason, 35, an urgent care physician from Sturgeon Bay, WI

Robbing the cradle, huh, Jason. Oldest guy in the crew. Is he divorced? That’s got to be the story on this guy, right? Jason’s got a ton of baggage as well as a generation gap of pop-culture references that Andi won’t get. Jason’s like really into REM and Andi doesn’t even know “Losing My Religion”, but she does know “It’s the end of the world as we know it” because MTV played it during the Y2K New Year’s Eve special and she was like 12 years old and it was the first time she got to stay up late meanwhile Jason was in college studying to be an urgent care physician. Ugh. Bye Jason.

J J, 30, a pantsapreneur from San Francisco, CA

No. A what? No. NO! That’s not a thing! THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS A PANTSAPRENUER! Whose fault is this? Is it ABC’s? Is it E! Online’s? Is it J J’s parents’? Someone is to blame for J J having the name J J and for thinking that “pantsapreneur” is a thing. Is it San Francisco’s liberal bias that is allowing J J to exist? I can only guess that a pantsapreneuer is an entrepreneur in the pants world and THAT IS NOT A THING.

I hope J J has caught MERS and is dead by now.

Josh B., 29, a telecommunication marketer from Denver, CO

Why is there a B.? Why is it Josh B. and not Josh? Fuck Josh B. He’s probably just trumping himself up as a cold-calling asshole who ruins family dinner time for everyone. Fuck you, Josh B. And he’s from Denver as well? Are the people in Denver too stoned to work an OkCupid account? C’mon!

Josh M., 29, a former professional baseball player from Atlanta, GA

Oh. Ok, so there’s this Josh. Like there’s any fucking chance that asshole with the headset telling me about some “exclusive” offer over the phone at 6:30 pm on Wednesday is ever EVER going to get confused with FORMER PROFESSIONAL BASEBALL PLAYER Josh. Should we just say right here right now that “Josh M.” who is FROM ATLANTA and who played PROFESSIONAL BASEBALL is going to be in the top 4 at the very least? Seriously, are you even fucking joking with this guy? Unless Andi FUCKED this Josh M. at some point in her earlier 20’s when Josh was probably a current ball player and then never called her again and she’s got mad beef with him over that then Andi is keeping the former professional athlete from her hometown around for a long long time. Not even fair.

Hmmmmm… he could also be a liar. Or ABC is a liar.

I just went onto baseball-reference.com and tried to find a “Josh M.” and there was none. ZERO! So, buy “professional” instead of “MLB” I guess I should have guessed he wasn’t in the majors, so he could have spent his playing days in Myrtle Beach playing in AAA or AA or A or whatever. Meh. I still think he’ll do pretty well unless he banged Andi and never called her again.

Marcus, 25, a sports medicine manager from Dallas, TX

There’s something shady about a 25 year old with that job title in my opinion. That seems like a made-up job title to begin with. “Sports medicine manager”? What does that even mean altogether like that? Does he manage a sports medicine brand? Does he manage a sports medicine store? By sports medicine does he mean steroids? What’s going on with Marcus? Is Marcus black? Is that wrong to assume he’s black? Is it not wrong to assume that? Has there ever been a black guy on The Bachelorette before? I feel like there hasn’t. The show is genuinely racist, so I don’t know if there has been a black fella on the show. And if this is the first black guy, they couldn’t find a black guy with a job title that doesn’t scream “STRIP MALL FRONT FOR STEROIDS”.

Marquel, 26, a sponsorship salesman from Las Vegas, NV

Nope. Marquel? Is he black? C’mon! What’s a “sponsorship salesman”? That’s an arbitrary field to be a salesman of I think. I don’t like what’s happening here with these probable black candidates for Andi. Seriously, there are black guys who are lawyers. Seriously, we have a black president who has a law degree. And here ABC is putting “Marquel” with his “sponsorship salesman” job from LAS VEGAS(?!?!?!?) on TV. I don’t like any of this.

Mike, 29, a bartender from Alta, UT

Nope. C’mon, Mike. Not happening. A bartender in Utah? Nah.

Nick S., 27, a professional golfer from Kissimmee, FL

Here we go. I was about to say all these possible good things for Nick S. but I wanted to check if I could figure out who he is first and I did a google search and then I saw on the Orlando Sentinel’s website this picture of him…

Nah.

I hate to do this to you, bro, but no. Maybe for other people, but I don’t like anything that is happening in this picture. I feel bad because I’m not judging anyone else on their looks and it’s not like this guy is a troll, but I’m not into this.

Did he dress himself in that t-shirt? Even owning that t-shirt is terrible. That’s a terrible t-shirt to own and wear on its own. He’s balding, which is natural, but not a plus at 27 years old. The necklace? Is that a dog tag or is that not a military dog tag? If that’s not a military dog tag then he needs to never do that again and hide that necklace from people ever again. If that is a military dog tag then it’s still got to be the oddest thing to wear it outside of your shirt like that and to wear it with that shirt. It better be his grandpa’s dog tag from WWII and he has a great story about that grandpa saving Jews and also saving little Nick S. from a polar bear attack or something because it all looks stupid. A white watch? How many bracelets is he wearing? A hundred? Fuck this guy.

Also, does anyone else get the feeling that those jeans are even more designer distressed than they appear in the two inches we see? I do and that makes me horrified imagining it.

Nick V., 33, a software sales executive from Chicago, IL

Another dude from Chicago. I doubt she’s keeping two dudes from Chicago and this one is older, probably in not as good shape, and has a boring sounding job.

Patrick, 29, an advertising executive from Newport Beach, CA

I bet this dude is either a complete asshole and/or he lasts until the final 5. Whether or not we think he’s a tool I feel like if he doesn’t get himself thrown off pretty quickly then Andi will like this guy. I bet he is a dude too. I bet he surfs, but he’s got a job and money and a short hair cut, but he surfs and Andi will eat that up.

Ron, 28, a beverage sales manager from Memphis, TN

Nah. Not happening. Ron? I don’t know. I feel like that’s not going to play well. I mean she could be set with Diet Cokes for the rest of her life MAYBE. But I don’t think Ron is making it far.

Rudie, 31, an attorney from Long Beach, CA

Well, besides his name, there could be some good stuff here. Long Beach, California – surfs likes Patrick? – and is an attorney. At the same time, maybe that will mean the two of them will argue and she’ll hate Rudie. Plus his name is the same name as Cosby kid who was on that diving show on ABC – bad associations.

Steven, 30, a snowboard product developer from Encinitas, CA

What? Fuck off, Steven. Stick to your own kind, Steven! Snowboarders only mate with other snowboarders! Or should. That should be a government rule. I don’t want their hippie idiot language to disseminate into the general population. Screw off, Steven. Go do a 540 mctwisty flip off the side of a mountain into a pit of lava, jackass.

And finally…

Tasos, 30, a wedding event coordinator from Denver, CO

Oh, fuck the fuck off, Tasos. Tasos? Was he named after a beverage company? Here’s my in-the-closet homosexual wedding planner son – Pepsi. Fuck you, Tasos. She’s not keeping Tasos around. A wedding event coordinator? C’mon! Just admit it to yourself! Michael Sam admitted it and he’s in the NFL! JUST COME OUT, TASOS! IT’S NOT THE 70’S ANYMORE! YOU CAN LIVE OUT IN THE OPEN! Tasos? Ugh. I hate your name, Tasos. I actually hate spelling it. I feel like I’m pluralizing your name every time I write it.

Maybe Tasos and hair stylist Brett will end up together and Andi can go find a boyfriend like a normal human being by settling for some guy her married friend set her up with.

Done.

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2 Responses to “The Bachelorette – PROLOGUE – Judging A Book Without A Cover”

  1. Liz said

    You may not want to be so mean about Eric the explorer considering he just died while working.

  2. Karan said

    What a waste of time reading this was. Glad for you, though, that you’re so great at judging people. Must be nice to be perfect.

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