The Bachelorette – episode 2 – Where have all the good haircuts gone?

May 27, 2014

WHADDUP!

First thing first, I hate cruises.

I just got back from my first and last cruise to Alaska and I’ll never step foot on one of those horrible building-like boats again. Alaska, on the other hand, is a gorgeous never-ending land of gorgeocity – if that makes sense. I’d recommend going to Alaska. I’d also recommend setting fire to as many cruise ships as you can in your time on this planet because those things are stupid. Or maybe I’m just not the target demographic for a cruise because judging from the one I just went on, the target demo is senior citizens looking for one last big drunk fling before sailing off to the netherworld.

Anyway…

THE BACHELORETTE

Honestly, I missed the first episode.

I was on that cruise as mentioned and the only channels they got on the damn boat were Fox News, TNT, TBS, and the Cartoon Network, so watching a whole bunch of men fight to tears over something wholly unnatural to them – monogamous commitment – was out of the question.

But I did get to see the second episode last night… and in a word… it was…

UNNERVING!!!!!

I’m not talking about the dudes stripping to thongs, which honestly I didn’t really watch. I am an actual man and not one who plays one on TV, so I was flipping back and forth between The Bachelorette’s male porn and the Miami Heat vs. the Indiana Pacers.

Either way, the show is weird.

There’s that phrase that if you’re seeing something weird, it’s like watching a dog walk on two legs. Well, watching a dog walk on its hind two legs is adorable, watching these 2 dozen goofs gush over Andi as well as give each other pats on the back and shoulder massages after everything they say is fucking WEEEEEEIIIIRRRRRDDDD!!!

THERE’S SO MUCH TOUCHING!!

I don’t remember on The Bachelor the chicks just rubbing each other the whole time as they talked. They would smile, giggle, and side eye each other to death, but no touching. The dudes smile, giggle, and are constantly wrapping their hands around each others shoulders, arms, sides, whatever.

It’s funny that Andi is shown having multiple breakdowns yelling about making sure these guys are here on the show for the right reason and they reference one of these guys possibly having a girlfriend… a girlfriend?! How is Andi not staring at all these guys and then shown talking to the producers being like – are you sure the one who keeps commenting about the other guys great bodies isn’t gay? Or all of them being gay?

But whatever… so Andi will end up with a gay boyfriend… not the first time, am I right?

Easy jokes aside…

The real question…

WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH ALL THEIR CRAPPY HAIR CUTS?

Is that the “in” thing now? Crappy hair. Really slicked crappy hair. Half the guys on the show look like they have legitimate 1930’s depression era pomade in their hair. Is that a look now? Olive oil slicked hair to the side or to the back or done in a curly Q on top of their head like Cody. CODY?!! Cody looks like Ronnie from the Jersey Shore after a month of estrogen therapy and wearing soft serve vanilla ice cream as a hat. Andi is supposed to find “love” with this creep-o lot?

So, Cody sucks. Cody is probably the worst of them. I guess I should say Craig was the worst, but at the very least Craig was entertaining plus Craig got kicked off the show last night and Cody somehow got a rose.

By the way, Craig(!) was amazeballs. Craig was the equivalent of a long lost talentless Gronkowski brother on last night’s episode. He was amazing and I hope his perpetually squinty high-like eyes and giggly laugh and completely loser-ish personality becomes the next Bachelor because ABC needs to help that idiot out. And he’s a tax accountant?! What INSANE person allows CRAIG to do their taxes? The people of Denver need to stop smoking weed for a moment and realize their employing Craig as a TAX ACCOUNTANT and correct themselves.

Is there one date-able guy in the bunch?

Is there a front runner?

Yes and no.

The “yes” is that Eric seems like a genuinely All-American great dude.

The “no” is that Eric is A. sadly dead, which makes this show so fucking morbid and B. even though he said he was ready to be a husband and be settled I mean are you really going to cage a songbird like Eric? No. You let that person be free to do what they want because he’s an “explorer” and he probably wouldn’t have ever been happy living a suburban life in Georgia or wherever. I mean he drove across Africa on a motorcycle and wanted to see every country in the world, so watching Sunday night HBO TV after a sensible dinner at home probably would’ve crushed the guy’s spirit.

So, Eric died paragliding I read and it’s going to be really weird if he wins the show. Maybe Andi realizes at some point that she’s simply too boring for Eric and that Andi should have been dating Lara Croft and spent his days tomb raiding with her or whatever.

Who is left?

Tasos is simply filling up space. The only thing interesting thus far about Marquel has been his socks. Bradley the opera singer looks to be about the dweebiest weirdo ever. Cody sucks as mentioned. Honestly, I have no clue who Brett or Carl or Patrick are, so that doesn’t bode well for them.

Marcus? He’s younger than Andi and he’s got this shady ass “sports medicine manager” job title, and his favorite musical acts – so says his ABC.com bio – are THIRD EYE BLIND, COLDPLAY, and ENRIQUE IGLESIAS. UNDATEABLE!!!! Third Eye Blind? Is he a fucking time traveler? I hadn’t even driven a car yet when “Jumper” was popular. I’m fucking turning 31 next month! WHO THE FUCK IS THIS GUY?! Marcus may or may not be alien who got caught in wormhole and his alien technology thinks it’s still 1998 because that’s the only reason why someone would ever say THIRD EYE BLIND was their favorite band. Coldplay? UGH! BE SOMEBODY, MARCUS! The wallpaper in my bathroom has more eclectic musical taste than fucking Coldplay. It’s 2014, Marcus! Or BLEEPBLART you’re alien name! No thinks Coldplay is that great anymore. And Enrique fucking Iglesias? That’s never a straight man’s first, second, third, 90th favorite musical act.

So, Marcus is a no.

J.J. is a pantsapreneur which is not a thing and no matter how poorly you raise your child should they ever want to copulate with someone who associates themselves as a pantsapreneur. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN OR HEARD A LESS SEXY WORD IN YOUR LIFE THAN PANTSAPRENEUR?! Only an A-sexual “human” would ever be a “pantsapreneur”.

Andrew sucks. Ugh. He’s fucking boring. He looks boring. He looks humorless. He looks like the last thing that would come out of his mouth would be something funny. The second to last thing that would come out of his mouth would be a fully grown alligator and then after that comes out he might say something like “See ya later, alligator” and you would scream and laugh and scream and laugh and then shoot Andrew with a bullet through his fucking brain to make sure he’s dead forever because he’s a scary nightmare.

Brian is a chode. He also was pretty much crying during that rose ceremony. I don’t think Andi cried during any of JP’s rose ceremonies, so sack the fuck up, chode Brian.

Chris the farmer? Nah. He’s all upper teeth and squinty eyes and he’s a sad sack of tears as well. Fuck these idiots.

Oh yeah, and fuck Dylan. I forgot there was an imbecile sack of shit on the show with stupid hair named Dylan. I’ve never met a Dylan I like and I’m sure you haven’t either. I’m sure even if you named your kid Dylan he would be your least favorite kid even if he was your only kid. And, his stupid profile on ABC.com says his favorite drink is apple juice. Apple juice? I hope Andi enjoys changing Dylan’s diaper as well because he’s a fucking child.

Josh M. has herpes.

And, Ron is a pretty boring name. His profile on ABC.com isn’t bad, but I don’t remember him doing anything on the show just yet.

Did I miss anyone?

Oh right! Nick V. How could I forget them mismanaged Jew-fro of Nick V. He’s an idiot and he’s 33 and he’s got the hair of a Jonah Hill character circa 5 years ago, so fuck Nick V.

Did I miss anyone this time?

I don’t know.

Anything else happen on last night’s episode?

Andi reminded us that she had some pretty sweet boobs. I don’t think I realized she had some decent knockers, but she sure wore the hell out of some deep cut tops last night. It was like she raided Amy Adams’ costumes from “American Hustle”. Honestly, @_dharv came up with that joke, so props to her.

Props to her for falling asleep during the show and allowing myself to skip a good 20 minutes of the show to watch the basketball game without her wondering why I wasn’t flipping back to The Bachelorette to see how Andi was dealing with these lost cause dorks.

So, yeah.

I love you.

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