US Team SCORES, America CUMS!!

June 17, 2014

Oh yeah!

Could I have said that with a more delicate touch? Probably, but then I wouldn’t be me and this me is from the U. S. of A. and I’m still reeling from that motherfucking win yesterday.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

SPLOOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hello! Hello, lovely people of this world!

Of course, I am only THIS happy because of the above corner kick to header goal that sealed Ghana and the US’ fate last night.

Sealed a fate that was a very different fate than the last two times the US played Ghana in the World Cup.

Oh, it was a doozy of a moment. The whole match itself was a doozy.

I’m sure everyone has heard about what happened by now, but it was fucking awesome.

Specifically, the last World Cup, a couple of friends and myself watched all the US games together where ever that happened. One time we met up at bar in Times Square, a bar on 80th, and so on where ever. But we watched them together and each time we did – they were filled with yelling, screaming, and just absolutely losing our shit, so we met up in the city last night to do it all over again.

We ended up at Stout on 33rd, which was wall-to-wall people, but we had a nice spot carved out in the middle of the bar.

We got there about an hour early and were already on beer 4 when the game started.

And then this happened…

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

SPLOOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s Clint Dempsey, America’s skinny scoring machine, sneaking one past about 30 seconds into the fucking game. THIRTY SECONDS!!! As one would expect, the bar went fucking bananas!!! There are videos all over the interwebz showing people going fucking apeshit after this goal and I’m sure there are a few of Stout up there because everyone whipped out their cellphones to start taking videos of everyone screaming their fucking heads off.

So, from 30 seconds into the game – I was hoarse.

My throat is killing me right now as I type this. It was worth it, but it kills.

So, what happened next?

Well, the US was playing well for a few minutes. But disaster started striking with Jozy Altidore coming up gimpy and straining his hamstring, which was devastating to watch. Then a Ghana-ian(?) breaks Clint’s nose with his shin. BEASLEY IS ON THE TAKE! Beasley was making so many bonehead errors with the ball, we’re yelling in the bar about which member of Beasley’s family has gambling debts that Beasley is being forced to throw this game for those mob guys to win out with their bets. And the US was still up 1-0, but they looked like garbage.

For the rest of the game, it was hard to watch as the US was on constant defense to the point you would assume they were playing a man down the whole time, but they weren’t. They just couldn’t put it together. It felt like they didn’t know how to be the better team, how to still be aggressive if you’re winning, and all these just mental hurdles.

The inevitable happens late in the game and Ghana scores and I just wanted to poop on the bar floor and start throwing my feces at all the early 20’s girls in the bar who spent the entirety of the game taking selfies to prove to someone else not in that bar that they went to a bar to watch the soccer game and how cute their outfits were when they did that. EAT MY POOP SELFIE ROBOTS!!!

No joke – later when I got back home and was with Danielle, I held her in my arms and said to her as lovingly as I could, “Thank you for not being like those cunts at the bar.” And that’s love folks!

Then when all seemed lost, I decided to go to the bathroom. Yes, I decided to go to the bathroom with just a few minutes left in the game because I thought soon as the game ended people would dive onto those bathrooms like with each flush gold coins would fill the bowl, so I tried to beat the rush.

BUT!!!! I’m not one of those sob stories of someone missing the game winning goal while int the bathroom. Nope! I did see that guy, but that guy was not me. The game winning header happened while I was waiting in line and I could see a TV from where I was watching. So… the header goes in…

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

SPLOOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then I high fived some guy who was standing near me.

Then the sad idiot who missed the goal came out of the bathroom.

Then I celebrated the US going up 2-1 with only stoppage time remaining by pissing out 6 beers as fast as I could.

We’ve got Portugal this Sunday and I’m just fucking psyched. THREE POINTS, BABY!!!!

But I do have one question…

ISN’T SOCCER SUPPOSED TO BE BORING?!?!?!?!??!!!?!??

This is the fucking most motherfucking exciting World Cup ever.

It started on Thursday and since then there have been I think 15 games played – one going on currently with Belgium vs. Algeria – and there has been a single tie. THERE HAS BEEN A SINGLE TIE!!! THAT’S FUCKING CRAZY!!!!

I really like the first stage of the World Cup, well, I like all the stages of the World Cup. I love everything about the tournament itself with games ending by shoot outs. SHOOT OUTS!!! Anyway, I do like the round-robin first stage of the World Cup, but there is one downfall to that and that’s ties. There can be ties in the first stage. It’s just a part of the game. There can be ties in the NFL, NHL, boxing, cagefighting, and so on, so ties are not the worst thing in the world. They happen. They’re not great, but they happen. And, it’s just something you deal with in the first stage of the World Cup and then once they move onto the next stage – NO MORE TIES. But here we are on Tuesday and we’ve had definite endings to all but ONE game so far. That’s incredible.

There have been a lot of goals scored, there have been several big upsets already, there have been at least 3 games I can think of off the top of my head so far that have been decided by a goal in STOPPAGE TIME. THAT’S FUCKING CRAZY!!!!

Once the first stage is over… it’s like everyone’s birthday because SHOOT OUTS!!! 

I love games being decided in the 90 minutes of course, but if it doesn’t then… SHOOT OUTS!!! Shoot outs are fucking nuts.

As I write this… Algeria is …. AHHHHH!!!! ALGERIA SCORES A PENALTY KICK!!!!!

Belgium is the heavy favorite to win this and they just committed a bad foul near the goal and Algeria capitalizes with the penalty kick and he puts it right the fuck in. Algeria hasn’t scored a fucking goal in the World Cup since 1986. I was living in Pittsburgh and playing with sticks and pretending they were guns and I legitimately thought graham crackers were the greatest invention in human history.

I’ve been loving the cup. Of course, I won’t pretend like I would be anywhere near as positive about the cup if the US lost yesterday, but they didn’t and I guess one of my parallel universe selves where the US did lose can spend his day crying about it, but I’m fucking happy in this dimension.

I hope everyone else is doing great!

I had a great birthday on Sunday.

I love you.

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