Hey, I’m still alive! I know, I’m happy about that too.
Actually, I have been pretty active on Twitter – @jordan_is_ok – so my presence has been floating around and making sarcastic and cutting comments out there in the ether.
I haven’t been posting regularly over here or really posting at all since I believe my last post was a month ago. Has it really been that long? Let me check… I just beat a month! AH-HAH!
ANDI CHOSE JOSH!!!!
Ole’ sour puss, frowny face chose the black labrador of life Josh Murray to be her probable first divorce. SNAP! BURN SAUCE! I’ve still got it!
Well, looking at the track record of the show and the track record of marriage in general, they’re not likely to stick together.
Let’s see how long Andi lasts when she’s not the center of attention and Josh feels the need to move to Kansas City to support his brother’s career as a back-up quarterback for the Chiefs. So, we’ll see.
Let’s go back to the beginning and by beginning I mean prior to the 3 hour extravaganza that was last night’s Oscar like marathon last episode of The Bachelorette.
I WAS FUCKING CONVINCED THAT ANDI WOULD PICK NICK.
Well, because she could not stop giving that squirrely haired dude all the besos. By besos, I mean kisses. And by kisses, I mean WHATEVER THE FUCK IT IS THAT ANDI IS DOING WITH HER MOUTH WHEN SHE’S NOT FROWNING.
When Andi thinks or listens or simply doesn’t talk, she frowns.
When Andi gets intimate, she mashes her nose into her lover or opponent’s face causing her to snort and suck in hard for breath because she’s destroying her breathing canals THEN she scrunches up her lips and tries to get them as close to her nose as possible thus making her breathing even more awkward and labored PLUS it means that she’s now desperately reaching for and sometimes missing the other person’s lips because why would a person ever choose to do with with their face stuff, which inevitable makes Andi make a grotesque sucking sound like a vampire trying to get that last bit of a blood out of an open wound on an obese Comic Con nerd cosplaying as Daryl from “The Walking Dead”.
Am I wrong about any of that?!
If I could illustrate what it sounds like when these two were kissing last night with words it would be…
SNORT! SUCK! SNORT! SUCK! GASP! SNORT! SNORT! SUCK! SUCK! GASP!
GASP! SNORT! SNORT! SUCK! SNORT!
And it was disgusting.
But I digress!
I’m jumping all over the map… back to the beginning…
I thought Andi would pick Nick because she seemed more into Nick than anyone else. When Andi would see Nick she would light the fuck up in a way that no one has ever done in Nick’s lifetime. Nick is attractive enough and at the same time he’s a goofy looking fuck with gap teeth and ununderstandable hair and an entire wardrobe of clothing tighter than your average super-heroine.
The episode kicked off with Nick meeting Andi’s parents, her sister, and her beta-male brother-in-law and then Josh met them. Both Josh and Nick kept talking about how important it was to impress Andi’s parents and all that. I’m not saying that was entirely false, but it wasn’t entirely true either.
Andi was on The Bachelor, remember? Andi made it to the final 4, which meant dumbass Juan Pablo did get the chance to go to Atlanta or the suburbs of Atlanta and meet Andi’s family including the beta-male brother-in-law. Andi’s parents did not seem to like Juan Pablo, especially Andi’s dad Hy. Nevertheless, Andi continued on with the show and made it through another cut to be apart of the final 3. See, if Andi’s parents didn’t have a say in Andi continuing to chase some Hispanic lothario who had no clear grasp of the English language or other people’s feelings then why would they have any say in the choice between two guys who are tripping over themselves to tell Andi how much they are in love with her… in love with her for no real discernable reason other than they haven’t been allowed to see another female for the past 6 weeks.
Back to the matter at hand, did you see Andi’s sister’s sea turtle tattoo?! HAHAHAHAHAH! I don’t know why it’s so funny, but it is and I think it has to do with some sordid sexual past that she does not discus and is the reason why she married a man who has less testosterone per capita than any other man who has ever been seen on television. I mean there’s a reason you marry a guy like that and the reason is is that he’ll never question you for as long as he shall continue to exist. It’s not “living” what he’s doing, it’s existing because he has no freewill and he cannot choose to argue or have an opinion because his body doesn’t produce any hormones let alone the ones that encourage having a proverbial backbone.
Hy is really a big frowny faced mush like his daughter and the two of them just loved them some Nick and Josh.
After that, Nick and Josh both got their own 1-on-1 date, which for Josh was a bunch of hand holding and kissing on a boat and for Nick it was a bunch of hand holding and kissing on a beach.
At the end of each date, both Josh and Nick gave Andi a present. A present they had “made”. Making presents like they were children. Making presents like they had an arts & crafts time during The Bachelorette recess hour.
Josh… because everything relates to him being a semi-pro baseball player… Josh “made” Andi a baseball card with her “stats” on it. He also wrote her a letter, which is the 1000th letter someone has hand-written Andi over the course of that season. 1000 awkward ass letters.
Nick… because he’s simply a creepy weirdo… Nick “made” Andi a necklace, which has a vile of sand as the centerpiece. Sand? Sand that was from the beach that the two had their first date at or shared their first kiss or whatever. Also, he said that he snuck back to that beach to nab that vile of sand. That is a horrible unattractive and non-sexy image of a 33 year old man with gap teeth sneaking out of his room at night like a mischievous Summer camp kid and going to the beach to collect a “vile” of sand. Does he carry viles around with him? Probably. Or did he get a pocketful of sand that he had to carry and carry and move and carry and move and carry until he finally found a vile store and stored it once and for all on this dumbass necklace, which she probably threw away the next day. Isn’t it just weird and strangely apropos to picture Nick hoarding his sacred sand and making sure none of the other contestants saw it?
This may be why the dude was cut in the end.
After six million commercial breaks, Josh is shown choosing a disgusting looking gawdy diamond ring that looks more like costume jewelry, but whatever – Disney paid for it.
Meanwhile, Nick is shown …
I forgot something…
THE AWKWARD ASS MORNING REVEALS OF NICK AND JOSH’S NIPPLES!!!!
Forgot about that, but now it is burned into my memory once again…
Right, so, both guys got to spend the night – seemingly bang, which we’ll talk about momentarily JUST YOU WAIT – with Andi.
When the date segments were over, Disney decided to transition us into the “final day” segment by starting with what each of these idiots being contemplative about these idiotic events that “final morning”.
And that’s when a topless Nick was shown opening a window, a topless Josh was shown looking at himself in the mirror, and a seemingly figuratively and literally lost Andi was shown in her sail like cover-up aimlessly walking around the Dominican Republic. In conclusion, Disney showed us four man nips and Andi playing a wayward Lady MacBeth.
Back to Nick in his room waiting for his ring…
We saw Josh choose his hideous ring. Now, it was time for Nick to choose his hideous ring as he receives a knock at the door, which he assumes is the diamond guy … BUT …
It’s fucking giggles herself, ANDI.
Andi is there to tell Nick that shit just got real… real over.
Nick is 100% caught off guard because the dude thought he had this competition in the bag, but guess not – slow-and-steady (emphasis on slow) Josh was winning this shit!
Nick did say that Andi took things too far, which was pretty funny because isn’t that what Juan Pablo said of Clare. Slut-shaming! Amazing. Anyway, Nick kept saying that Andi took things too far and his example was that of Andi more or less telling him that she loved him by saying she wanted to say things, but she couldn’t. And, we all assume that she can’t say she loves him because the show wouldn’t allow it because it probably doesn’t allow her to say shit like that. Either way, Andi took things “too far”. And that was that.
Nick was gone.
Andi goes on to the final rose ceremony where a too tight in the pants suit wearing Josh won the show and gave a speech longer than this post about how he loved Andi as much as he loved baseball, which sounds stupid, but is probably the deepest shit Josh has ever said to anyone ever.
Then the snort sucking face fuck fest began as Josh and Andi were engaged! WOOO!!!
EVERYONE’S HAPPY FOREVER, RIGHT?!!!!
There is gap-toothed Nick and he’s not happy. He’s never happy. He’s never happy even when he’s wearing one of those billowy scarves.
That’s when The Bachelorette finale got weirder than necessary – although appreciated – as it turns out Nick has become a STALKER in the time since he was dismissed from Andi’s harem.
We found out that Nick has tried to talk to Andi on 3 occasions and, of course, has written her fucking letters. And Andi has had the choice to refuse to see Nick on those occasions, but TONIGHT IS YOUR NIGHT STALKER NICK BECAUSE DISNEY IS FORCING ANDI TO MEET YOU!
WOOOOO!!! THE STALKERS ALWAYS WIN!!!
Andi and Nick sit down in front of an audience of random unhappy housewives as well as a litany of prior Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants and with cameras on broadcasting to the world.
What does Nick have to say to his victim errr love Andi?
Well, after several minutes of mealy-mouthed Nick searching for the right words to convince Andi that she made the wrong choice for a fiance 10 minutes before she is about to grace this exact same couch with her current fiance for the first time ever… Nick had one card to play and that was…
DIDN’T WE FUCK?!
YEAH! Disney put a dude on stage to say that he boned her and she still didn’t choose him!
That’s pretty fucking amazing if you think about it.
ANDI HUMPED & DUMPED NICK!
Humped his pen-iss and then dumped his dimwitted face. It was great. What a fucking amazing moment in women’s liberation! What a great moment in gender equality! What a great moment for vaginas the world over that they could say, ‘Yeah, we fucked you, but you gots to go.’
Seriously, that was some fucking excellent shit right there. I mean when I was in high school I had to read that stupid ass book THEIR EYES WERE WATCHING GOD more or less because Oprah told us to and that whole book was about a women banging her husband, but not loving him AND at the same time banging some other dude who was not her husband and loving him when she was banging him. It was a book about choice, love, and vagina banging. It also sucked, but that’s neither here nor there.
Then sad stupid ass Nick left.
Then happy stupid ass Josh showed up and him and Andi talked about stupid shit then they talked about how Andi frowns and then for whatever fucking reason Disney brought out Grumpy cat and then the show ended at some point amid six billion commercials for BACHELOR IN PARADISE.
Which… by the way… in the extended trailer for the season showed someone getting arrested and someone shouting that there was so much blood everywhere and then the trailer ended and it cut back to Chris Harrison smiling and saying, “it’s a must watch!” UHHHHH IS BACHELOR IN PARADISE A SNUFF FILM?!?!?!?!?!?!? DID DISNEY MAKE A SNUFF FILM?!?!?!?!?!?
Well, probably not because usually all this shit turns out to be bullshit melodrama that is edited together to make it look like something like a murder did happen, but I guess fingers crossed that it is a snuff film because it starts Monday and I’ll probably end up watching another season of this horse shit.
Josh and Andi are engaged.
Chris the Farmer is probably going to be the next The Bachelor.
And you got a new post.
I love you.