People LOVE watching me drink champagne…

August 25, 2014

It’s true.

I’m not even doing it in a dirty/nasty way or something.

Like, I’m not slapping my ass while sipping on champagne. I enjoy drinking it so much that at times I feel like I should be slapping my own ass while doing it.

Like, I’m not pinching my nipples – my guy nips – while sipping on that champagne. I enjoy it so much that at I times it would be apropos for me to pinch my nippies while doing it.

Like, I’m not pouring on my naked bicep then licking it off to get my bubbly fill. I enjoy it so much… nah, I don’t think it would ever be enjoyable to lick champagne off my bicep. Probably catch a rash doing something like that.

But – people seem to enjoy the hell out of me drinking champagne.

People notice it, make note of it, and it gives them a motherfucking smile on their face!

It’s true. It’s true.

I guess it has to do with image of a champagne drinker and that I’m not that image personified at all.

Not many people picture a dude my size height or stomach girth to be drinking that bubbly and then they don’t picture him drinking upwards of 20 glasses of it and all of that makes those peeps smile. Toothy smiles!

Anyway…

That’s what happened over the weekend as I went to a wedding with Danielle and as I’m want’em to do – I drank like 18 glasses of champagne. And, I would order them two at a time. Sometimes, that second glass was for Danielle. Sometimes, that second glass was for me as well as the first glass. But they didn’t need to know that.

You know who also loves champagne?

Bill Murray. BILL MURRAY. And, I don’t drink champagne because Bill Murray drinks champagne. It’s just something Bill and I have in common. Bill Murray and I have things in common. And, Bill was asked once about his champagne drinking habits and how he can drink so much of it. His “insight” was to make sure the champagne is always cold – always – and to drink it with ice. Ice! That’s his “pro tip”. Because the ice keeps it cold and the ice melts and you get some of that much need water in your system as well as the champagne.

I have not gone out of my way to keep up with this routine of ice in the champagne, but I do make sure to drink lots of water when I’m drinking lots of other stuff. But it’s a good tip. You need that water in you because booze does dehydrate you. Water. Champagne. Champagne. Water. Just keep it flowing in you.

HOW HAS EVERYONE BEEN?!?!?!?!?

I know it has been awhile since I last posted, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think about you – Yes, YOU! – a lot. I think about you. I imagine you. I imagine you petting puppies. I picture you smelling flowers. I see you listening to Iggy Azalea’s “Fancy”. I daydream about you eating frozen yogurt. I hope you’re staring at my post about Meshach Taylor and hitting refresh waiting until I post again. All that stuff. It boils down touch, smell, hearing, tasting, and seeing. The 5 senses, y’all. Never forget ’em. 

What else has been going on though?

Well, for awhile, the world was falling apart. Yep.

Robin Williams killed himself. Cops killed everyone else. And, ISIS stopped being the funny fake secret agency on Archer and became a real live not funny murderous group of assholes killing everyone their jeeps come across. 

All I have to say about that is whatever cops – and it seems like all of them nowadays – we catch doing awful shit, they should be immediately shipped to Iraq and Syria to take on ISIS. Like if you’re that officer who was just caught on his own dashcam beating up a woman on the hood of his car in broad daylight with a few other cops watching, well all y’all are getting a free vacation to Northern Iraq. Like right at the Iraq/Syria border. 

It’s like how back in the day at colleges where the football team would just recruit people on campus. They see some kid playing frisbee who is 6’3″ and he lays out for a catch in the middle of the quad. Guess what? You’ve got an invitation to be on the team and try out for tight end. Do you want to threaten protestors with an AR-15 in Missouri? Try threatening some extremist militia in the middle east instead of helping turn our police into an extremist militia because in some areas of our country that’s what they’re turning into. 

What else has happened?

Preseason NFL football. The biggest dick tease of them all.

I’ve watched a couple games and bits and pieces of others, but it’s tough to watch. It’s like watching football from another universe or watching a friend play videogame football. Are you that interested in who is winning or losing? Is this really a good proving ground for what’s going to happen in the season? I don’t know. It’s been going on for decades and no one knows. It’s just weird, but it means one thing – actual football is right around the corner.

So, what’s happened during the preseason?

Well, Johnny Football hasn’t been anything special. That’s for sure. His stats are nearly identical to the stats of Brian Hoyer who he is competing against for that starting job. Nearly identical, but worse. Since you may have never heard of Mr. Hoyer let me make mention that he was an UNDRAFTED quarterback out of Michigan State who has bounced around a little in the league as a back-up. He was undrafted. Meanwhile, Mr. Football over there was the Heisman trophy winner and a first round draft pick. So, he’s been nothing special. 

Manziel did get sacked by Michael Sam the other day. Yes, that Michael Sam. Yes, the gay one.

And fuck yeah to Michael Sam for sacking Senor Rat Face. Got to love Michael Sam. Got to hope Michael Sam because one bad ass fatherfucker on the field. Got to. Wouldn’t it be great to live in a world where the baddest dude on the field who is barking at the quarterback like “I’m going to fuck you up!” actually means it and could get his penis rigid and have sex with that man’s butt? Maybe that’s just me that thinks that would be great, but whatever.

Will Michael Sam help gay rights or at least the perception of gay people? Sure. I mean him being gay and him being able to sack Johnny Manziel have absolutely nothing to do with each other. I mean it does show that openly gay people can play in the NFL, if they’re openly gay and just so happen to be 6’2″, 260 pounds of gay muscle with a mix of speed and technique in there as well. He’s a big inspiration to the genetic freak huge gay guys out there I’m sure. 

I’m rooting for him nonetheless.

Seattle looks like they’re going to win another Superbowl. There may need to be a rule implemented that they’re only allowed to play 10 guys on defense or if they have an 11th then he has his hands tied behind his back or something.

Chicago looks bad. Not bad ass, but bad. Same with Dallas. I don’t see Dallas or Chicago doing much this year. I keep catching their games and they don’t look good. I’m not expecting a whole hell of a lot from Atlanta either.

HARD KNOCKS!!! I love Hard Knocks. Atlanta is this season’s team and they don’t look that great. Their defense looks wildly suspect. Their offense looks like it might need to score 40 points to win a game and their offensive line looks brittle. They have several high quality wide receivers, but it is an awful lot to put on a team to throw a ton of touchdowns because no one else is pulling their weight. Nevertheless, I have been enjoying the show. I enjoy watching Bryan Cox smoke cigars and tell his players they can’t date his daughter. I enjoy watching Mike Tice strut around like he’s Tony Soprano. I enjoy learning about Harry Douglas. Boy, do I love learning about his analretentive ass and the weird way he bowls. Yes, bowls. 

I don’t know if the Jets found Dimitri Patterson, but only the Jets would have a player go AWOL on them for like 4 days including a game at home against the Giants. 

Chargers have looked good. Broncos have looked good. Jadeveon Clowney has looked good – not sure about the Texans in general though.

As for my Steelers… our running back tandem of thunder (Blount) and lightning (Bell) got themselves arrested for smoking herb and for a DUI. So, what the fuck. They haven’t looked good in the preseason. I hope they can turn that around in a couple weeks, obviously. 

WHAT ELSE?

Television…

Danielle and I watched Halt and Catch Fire. It surprisingly got renewed. Honestly, the show got better as it went on, but it ain’t great. I doubt it will have a third season, but I’ll watch the second season. It was interesting enough and well acted enough, but not a lot is happening. It needs to get more intricate with its writing and stop having every episode feature someone reaching an epiphany 6 minutes before the episode ends.

The Leftovers… Honestly, I hate it. They sadly got renewed and I doubt I’ll watch next season. I might, but I doubt it. I have never watched a television show where I’m not rooting for anyone. I’m rooting for the writers to kill everyone off and replace them with people that I could actually give a fuck about. I hate all the characters. HATE. ALL. OF. THEM.

Is it Damon Lindelof’s fault? He’s the mastermind behind this, right? I loved LOST. So, what happened? I feel like maybe J.J. Abrams or Jeffrey Lieber or Carlton Cuse or someone else was the guy who knew how to make characters likable because Lindelof seems incapable of doing that in this show. 

I have so many questions while watching The Leftovers, but none of those questions concern people disappearing into thin air. I have questions like who the fuck am I supposed to be rooting for? Who am I supposed to care about? Why is Justin Thereoux wearing eye-liner? Does Justin Thereoux’s character do anything as a cop? Shouldn’t the chief of police have more on his plate? Why is the mayor sexing a man twice her age? How did these Asian girls not realize they were all Wayne’s sex toys that he was impregnating? SERIOUSLY, HOW WAS THAT NOT A SHOCK!!!?!?!?!?!?! 

Have you seen the show? If you haven’t bear with me here… at the beginning of the show, a cowboy kind of looking fellow is taken to a ranch in the hills of Nevada or Utah or something. And the compound is heavily guarded by white dudes with machine guns. Inside this place, the cowboy was paying a lot of money to see some black guy named Wayne who was clearly the leader of this outfit. Like a religious cult leader. Either way, at this compound, there was a pool party scene of Asian chicks like a dozen to two dozen of them in bikinis hanging out by the pool. 

From that description alone… what do you think is happening? Is he running an ultra high end nail salon? Or is it that the black guy who is in charge of all this shit is banging all those Asian chicks? The latter. Maybe the former too, but the latter is definitely. THEN we see a scene where the black guy – Wayne – interacts with one Asian chick and he has his hands on her butt and they kiss and then we find out she’s preggers with Wayne’s baby. 

Ok. Not a surprise, right? None of this is surprising, right? As mentioned, there were like 2 dozen Asian chicks. We only follow one of them as she escapes this shoot out raid of the compound with the boring step-son of Justin Thereoux. At no point, does boring step-son or the Asian chick show that they know he was impregnating all these other Asian chicks as well. So, what? He just so happened to have 2 dozen Asian chicks in bikinis just for the hell of it and was monogamous with one of them? Is that what they think was happening? Why would they think that? That’s against any form of logic – human logic, dolphin logic, dog logic… you know? 

Eventually, the stupid step-son meets another one of those Asian chicks down the road and finds out she’s pregnant too and it’s a shock to him. Why? It’s a shock to her that the other Asian chick is pregnant? Why? I get that Wayne may have lied to her and said, ‘You’re special. You’re the only one.’ But c’mon! Lindelof must be fine writing the dumbest characters to ever on television that they don’t suspect that Wayne could be having sex with all of the 2 dozen Asian chicks in bikinis who are hanging out by his pool for the sole purpose to hang out with him. It’s just fucking stupid. That’s not a switch-er-roo or a curveball or a mystery. It’s pure stupidity that his characters could not put 2 and 2 together. What the fuck were 2 dozen Asian chicks doing in bikinis at this guy’s house? 

Stupid.

The people at The Daily Planet were stupid seeing pictures of Superman and then seeing Clark Kent and not being able to imagine that one is the other with glasses on/off. And, these people on The Leftovers are equally as stupid.

I just really do not like the show. Scene by scene I don’t even like the show. Like what was with last night’s incestual over/under tones. What son at like 20 something years old has a conversation in only their underwear with their mom while lying in bed with her touching his arms? Mom and son who are about to have sex. That is not how people talk. 

Also, I don’t know about how you people are with your siblings, but I don’t even remember a time in my life where my sister and I would talk or hang out and be draped all over each other. Is this what TV and movies think siblings are like? Is the movie and TV industry somehow filled with only only sibling people and this is how they imagine brothers and sisters act with each other?

Brother: Hey, sis, *approaches from behind and wraps his arms around her entire upper body and then holds this position* what are you eating for breakfast?

Sister: *giggles with glee* You’re so silly, bro. *Nuzzles head against her brother’s arms and chest and smells his musk* I’m having eggs. 

Brother: *kisses sister on cheek then forehead then strips ass naked* I love eggs!

– end scene –

That’s what The Leftovers is like and a thousand other shows. Totally normal brother sister interaction, right? 

Oh yeah, we’re also watching The Knick. It’s whatever. It feels like they had an idea for AN episode and now they’re stretching it into a television show. Or more so, they had AN idea for the beginning of a show and, now, we’ve watched like 4 episodes of that beginning of a show. I feel like it’s the Knick as Groundhog’s day. I GET IT. Clive Owen does drugs, the nurse wants to fuck him, the black doctor gets no respect, every patient dies no matter what their ailment is, the hospital costs more money than it earns, and no one talks to each other. 

So… yeah…

That’s what I’ve been up to.

Also, Danielle and I took our engagement photos in a field of sunflowers and surprisingly didn’t get stung by a thousand bees. 

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3 Responses to “People LOVE watching me drink champagne…”

  1. PWG said

    I’ve missed you guys. Also, while reading that huge-ass post up there, I was thinking of comments but then I’d read more and forget my earlier comments. So you get what you get.

    So I’ll just say that the Broncos are not “looking good” and are psychologically damaged from the Super Bowl. Plus their world-class kicker is apparently still an alcoholic and will not be kicking for them in the near future. They could get a replacement kicker, but he’d have to be from out of state if they didn’t want the new one to be an alcoholic, too.

    I enjoyed Manziel’s tantrum and am looking forward to every team in the NFL yanking his chain with taunts the next time he manages to get suited up.

    When is this wedding happening? I’m ready for you two to be married, as in a season finale with no cliffhangers or Red Wedding beheadings, or anything. And I saw a picture this weekend of a couple trying to take engagement photos, but their dog was taking a crap in the side of the picture and & thought of your adorable puppy watching the ice challenge.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      Whaddup!

      Honestly, I haven’t seen any of Denver’s games, but had read an article saying they were looking good and Tony Gonzalez thinks they’re going undefeated.

      The wedding is September 2015, so we got a ways to go. We’ll all be wearing Google Glass and riding hoverboards then, right? Coco did much better during the ice bucket near drowning than she did with the engagement pictures. The engagement photos were at a working farm and that farm had cows and Coco was obsessed with those cows. Not sure what her goal was with those cows, but she didn’t want to listen to anyone because she wanted to get to them cows!

      • PWG said

        This week Wes Welker got a third concussion. Now he can smell colors. The Broncos can win if Peyton stays in a Hulk rage the entire season. I’m not saying that’s not possible, he’s sustained it through the entire off-season so far.

        Coco wants to be a herding dog, clearly. Why do you stifle her dreams?!

        She basically looks like a moo cow, maybe she thinks those are her people.

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