EMMYS. RED. CARPET. EXTRAVAGANAZABANANANASTOOPFOOP!

August 26, 2014

Hello!

Two posts in 2 days?!?!?!? UN. HEARD. OF.

Yes, I’m here again. I’m here to talk about the Emmys Red Carpet. Yesterday, I was half-expecting I was going to talk about the MTV Music Awards Red Carpet, but I talked about other stuff and when I looked at the pictures – I didn’t recognize half of them. Thankfully, our need to give celebrities more awards besides monies and fame is so strong that there was another even more grandiose awards show last night that I didn’t watch on top of the of the grandiose awards show that was on Sunday that I didn’t watch. WOOOOO!!! 

As just mentioned like one second ago, I didn’t watch the Emmys. I caught a couple of Vines of it on Twitter, which has got to be the lowest amount of attention one can pay to anything and still call it attention. Literally, 12 seconds. Actually, one of them was an Instagram video, so it’s like 21 seconds. It was the part where I guess Andy Samberg was dressed as Joffrey from Game of Thrones. It was as amusing as anything needs to be for only 15 seconds of video on a 3 inch screen, but not enough to get me to change the channel from BACHELOR IN PARADISE

And, that’s saying a lot because I DO NOT enjoy Bachelor in Paradise. Why is there so little worthwhile entertainment on Monday? It’s like it’s a conspiracy! 

What happened on Bachelor in Paradise?

Do you remember Clare from Juan Pablo’s season? Well, she still looks good in a bikini and she still seems crazy. Most of the episode was cementing that knowledge in your head as I don’t think there was a single shot of Clare not in a bikini and her entire story arc was talking to some nearly 30 year old man who was wearing his snapback hat backwards and talking to him like he is at all ready to start a family or fall in love or do anything besides work on his lat muscles and text his ex-girlfriends that he was on TV. 

Then there was Michelle. Michelle whose last name is Money. Michelle Money. Could you imagine trying to talk to someone named Michelle Money? I couldn’t and I have a very active imagination – a caterpillar driving a car and the caterpillar is wearing glasses. Back to the point at hand, Michelle is either acting like a lunatic or talking about being a mother or both. In last night’s episode, she caused this huge fuss at the end of the episode by telling everyone this “juicy” gossip that dumbass AshLee – dumbass because she spells her name that way and dumbass because she thought there were spots on the island where cameras couldn’t see her or where the microphones couldn’t be picked up… YOU’RE ON A REALITY TV SHOW’S ISLAND COMPOUND THEY CAN SEE EVERYTHING!!!! – told her because she did it.

AshLee talked shit on Clare and thought she was OK to do it because she thought there were only like 4 cameras on this island and she wasn’t by any of those 4. The guy she was talking said shit to her pointed out another camera and then that’s when idiot AshLee realized that the TV show she’s on probably heard her say that shit. And so what? It’s not like this show is live streaming into everyone’s heads. Clare won’t find out for months! Either way, AshLee freaked out and told everyone and Michelle made sure to tell everyone again and add in that they should give a fuck because AshLee is bad news. 

With all that being said, Graham – last name Bunn? Seriously? – who is this 35 year old dimwit who for whatever reason is connected to AshLee even though they are NEVER seen talking to each other… he gets all pissy when he finds out AshLee talked shit on Clare. Like epicly pissy. Like when the busty blonde with a dumb spelled name went to give him a rose last night, he stormed off set and the show went to a black TO BE CONTINUED screen. That epic level of pissy. Graham’s a moron.

Also, Cody from last season of The Bachelorette showed up and got shot down by Clare and then he put the moves on Michelle and for whatever reason she liked it. EWWWWWWWWW. And a dude named K-A-L-O-N showed up and every girl rejected him. That was great. And Lacy has huge boobs. HUGE. I don’t remember her from Juan Pablo’s season, but I bet she would have done A LOT better with Juan Pablo if she ever showed him those thangs. They’re everywhere on this show. Lacy is not looking to make that mistake twice of not using her huge boobs to her advantage. 

On to the Emmys? SURE!

NEWS FLASH! HALLE BERRY IS GORGEOUS AND WILL ALWAYS BE HOT!

Did you know that Halle Berry is acting on TV? I didn’t. I really didn’t. I wasn’t expecting to see Halle in this slideshow at all. Honestly, Halle should be allowed to walk any red carpet ever because she’s that good looking. I don’t know how old Halle is, but she looks amazing for that age. So, we all agree that Halle is easily one of the most attractive human beings to ever exist or will exist and she could be an alien that shares similar form as humans, but extremely better looking. Right we all agree on that.

This is going to seem unfair, but I didn’t lay out this slideshow that I’m stealing these pictures from…

Yikes. 

Is that a smile? If she’s smiling I guess it’s ok. If that isn’t a smile, it could be a quiet scream for help. Like, is Lena Dunham ok? Does anyone know? Can anyone call her and find out that she’s isn’t a victim of being mind-controlled by someone and the only thing she can do to let us know she’s in distress is by wearing “clothes” that look like this? 

Also, this is just stupid looking. She looks stupid. I mean if she likes it and is happy then great for her and really as long as her and her little boyfriend are happy about it then that’s the only thing that matters, but to me you look like you want to look like an idiot. I know I’m not in love with the show GIRLS, but even if you are – isn’t there a limit on the “genius” of Lena. Sure, she’s young and woman and apparently we’re supposed to be so surprised there are young and funny women in the world, but once we get past bowing down to her for that – this “dress” looks like soft serve ice cream throw up. Like the throw up where you scratch something on the way up to retch and there’s some blood in it. 

If Lena wears this to troll the whole idea of awards shows then I guess good for her. But if this is “fashion” then I can definitely be a fashion designer because there is no way in hell that I could put her in clothes that are less flattering than this. 

Still flashing that tat though. No matter what dress or shirt or sack Lena wears – that dreamcatcher shoulder tat is being shown off like it’s a fucking work of Mona Lisa like art. 

Yahoo! gave this dress a D. I give it a double D because Katherine Heigl is showing off some tittays! 

No euphemism or metaphors there. 

Is Katherine Heigl on a TV show? Either way, I don’t see what’s so bad about this dress. It looks like something Helen Mirren would wear and people would drench themselves in their own splooge over it. I guess because Heigl is half Mirren’s age then it’s not for her, but I don’t mind it at all. So, I guess it’s an older style, but a D? Jeez. 

She’s the best. 

Julia Louis-Dreyfus is a rare talent. She’s funny. Like actually funny. She can make dialogue sound funny, she can do physical comedy, and she does them both all the time without people even noticing. When people think of physical comedy, they think of Chevy Chase tumbling down a flight of steps or Chris Farley jumping through a table. That’s an aspect of physical comedy. There’s also physical comedy that is more subtle, more real, and is actually ACTING. Like if Julia is playing a character who feels uncomfortable she not only says the uncomfortable dialogue, but she changes her speech patterns, her facial expressions change, her posture changes, she does something with her hands, she actually does SOMETHING to show she’s uncomfortable. She’s not just standing there and saying the words in front of a camera, which is really about what 90% of the actors do. 

And she’s looking great here and she’s been hot for like 30 years now, so she’s the fucking best. 

Danielle and I watched ENOUGH SAID the other day. It’s solid. I liked it. I liked it a lot. I thought they were all great in it. She’s great in it. Great. It’s not a big performance, but she nails this performance in the small movie that they made. Gandolfini and Keener were great and that girl who looked like Michelle Williams – Tavi Gevinson who played Chloe – I thought she was really good too. I enjoyed it. 

VEEP is the best show on TV and I would definitely watch Julia in more movies.

 

Is this a post-partem thing? Odd judgement in the face of being recently unpregnant? 

Kerry Washington is a very attractive woman and it appears that whoever the designer is forgot they were making a dress for this pretty lady until 15 minutes before she showed up. Just grab some orange, cut it in half, wrap it around her, glue the top half together, throw some glitter on the extra glue that you used, and… wait a minute… the gap for legs to move is too big that it would show off her chooch! Hmmm… ok, throw on these glittery black hot pants that were in the garbage a minute ago. EXCELLENT! Now, go on TV!

Fark. 

As you can guess, Yahoo! gave this dress a BONER. WOOOOO!!!

It was an A and deservedly so because Sofia Vergara is in it. Honestly, they should have had Lena and Sofia switch dresses to see if even Vergara could make that shitty dress look fucking hot. 

You don’t really have to be a genius to dress Sofia – tight everywhere and then let her boobs breathe… done.

This got an A-. I’m kind of whatever on it. It looks kind of flat and drab, but whatever. The top is fun, but the closer you get to the floor with your eyes the life just gets sucked out of it. 

For a second I thought that the daughter on The Leftovers was Julianna’s daughter, but it’s Andie MacDowel’s daughter. Ugh. I hate that chick. Not Andie, but her daughter. In real life she could be fine, but she is the fucking worst on that TV show.

Either way, nothing to do with Julianna. Looking good Julianna.

There she is!

The dress and lady everyone was talking about at least on my twitter feed. And, yeah, she looks great. 

If you didn’t know, little cherubic angel kid actress turned sassy sexy country girl actress Hayden has copulated with a Ukrainian giant and has their spawn growing inside her tummy, which she is caressing. Hayden’s glowing, her boobs are showing, and everybody was happy, right? Right! Ok.

Hey Robin, someone stole the back of your jacket.

I feel like Robin should have kept joking all night how drafty it was in there.

I really hope this is where pants suits are going and in 2016 this is what H-Rod Clinton will be sporting during her Presidential run.

Also, is it just me or does she look like David Bowie more than looking like Robin Wright? Maybe she saw that David Bowie Showtime documentary and got inspired.

This just looks heavy to me. Honestly, could January Jones fit into a seat at the theater? I can’t imagine she could in all of that. And as much attention they pay to the dress, it just looks like she has some ratty bangs.

If Elisabeth Moss is wearing red too then maybe the Mad Men women are planning something!

Christina looks good. Next time just caught off that one shoulder strap and give the people to your right a shot at the money makers as well. And, I feel like her hair should have been up. I don’t know if that is part of my Kinsey-scale showing through or what, but I’m not feeling the hair being down like that.

Viola!

This woman right here knows how to dress! This is how you pitch a show too. Viola’s on maybe the 678th murder explanation show on TV and she’s selling it to you with her bosom. Her beautiful bosom of murder explaining.

Nick Kroll is a lucky man. They’re still together, right?

Either way, Amy Poehler is showing off the goods in this disco queen dress. I like it. I really don’t like the big poofy dresses and I don’t like the dresses with all this nonsense that looks like it is stapled to it and I like boobs. So, that’s what we’re getting here. It’s shiny and I like shiny things too. Also, it looks like whoever did Amy’s hair was not a mental patient like whoever did January Jones’ hair or several of the other women. Well done, Amy.

Also, Amy – I’m talking directly to you – I’ve been watching your brother’s show WELCOME TO SWEDEN. It’s alright. I’m more or less supporting it because it is your brother and because Will Ferrell was on an episode, but I just wanted you to know that.

Where are the boobs? I know I’m a broken record on this, but they’re about the best fashion accessory for a dress ever. A great butt is great fashion accessory as well, but it’s not as classy to accentuate the butt for some reason. Boobs? You can highlight the fuck out of them and everyone or mostly everyone is ok with them. I like Anna a lot and she’s great on VEEP and everything… but she’s hiding her boobs from us in this photographer’s nightmare all white dress against an all white background. She has boobs, but she’s hiding them. 

This got a B. What? I don’t like any of this. 

Does that even look like Zooey to you? It doesn’t to me. Where are the bangs and the eyes? And then this tube like prom dress. I don’t like it. 

Bam! Boobs. And… guns. Look at the arms on LaVerne Cox. I mean she’s doing well for herself, but that is an unfortunate name to me. LaVerne is harsh name. What if her name was Cheryl? Right? Doesn’t that just seem better to begin with? I mean we don’t even need to change the last name. Cheryl Cox. There’s some alliteration there. Peter Parker, Cheryl Cox. It’s nice. You can whisper Cheryl. You can’t whisper LaVerne. 

The cape is interesting and probably not something I would have thought, but you’re telling me that I would have done too much different if I was designing a dress? We’re going to feature huge boobs and your sinewy arms. That’s easy arithmetic right there.

 

Ugh.

Danielle said that this dress looked like pubes. Yes, pubes. And now getting a second look at it, pubes speckled with blood. Phenomenal.

I thought it looked like spiders when I saw it and the red was the spider markings or red beady spider eyes or something, but either way – it was not good. Not good.

Seriously, why would you want to wear a dress that is just a mess of netting? Like 1000 hairnets stapled together. After you wear the dress, you could catch some tuna out on the water for dinner. 

Fuck these people.

See! This isn’t rocket science! You’ve got a woman… actually, you’ve got an actress who is on TV and 99.9999% of them are going to be good looking. So you make a dress that fits her body and at the same time shows off she has a body – a woman’s body. And then the “tricky” part, make sure you can see some boobs. BINGO! PRESTO! She looks wonderful!

As for those in charge of make-up and hair? Don’t make her look like a crazed meth head, ok? Make her look like a clean, happy person and BINGO PRESTO – she looks wonderful. 

Fuck! Is it that difficult?

Crazy Eyes – you look wonderful.

This is the absolute best that Kaley Cuoco has looked on any of these red carpet events. I can’t believe Yahoo gave this a C+ because for Kaley this is like an A++++++ because usually she wears something that is a cross between what Lena Dunham and Kelly Osbourne are wearing. 

I’m not loving the layered netting nonsense. But she’s got a corset on that’s showing off some boobs and skin and whoever did her hair and make-up didn’t make her look like a corpse bride like she usually goes for. Hey, Kaley, you’re a pretty blonde and you’re semi dressed like one – congratulations.

I’m not really into this dress at all because it reminds me of a creamsicle and it looks thrown together, but this is pretty good for Sarah. Half the time I feel like they make her up to look like a Bratz doll meets a high end escort. Like if Bratz did a high end escort doll. Like Hookerz. I don’t know. You work it out. She looks less like a Bratz doll than usual. It’s strange because she looks pretty on Modern Family and she looks natural on the show, but on these red carpets they really like to doll her up and she starts to look like Bratz. 

I don’t know why this was only a B+. I think Sarah looks great. Her hair looks glamorous, her boobs look phenomenal, and she won a damn Emmy. Big night for Sarah Silverman. 

This got an A-.

Do you know who that is?

It’s Gwen Stefani. 

I don’t know. I think she looks weird in this. This is one of the better photos of her too. I saw another one and she looked like Dominica Versace and I mean that in all the negative ways that was intended. 

A-? 

HAHAHAH… I just looked at what Yahoo said and they said that this was a Versace outfit. I’M A FUCKING GENIUS! I know what the fuck I’m talking about you motherfuckers! I’ve watched 2 seasons of Project Runway and seen countless pictures of chick celebrities in dresses – I got this shit on LOCKDOWN! 

I like it. It’s fun and playful and if Bowen’s not going to show off her incredible legs then this is at least nice to look at. 

But… what the fuck Bowen? Seriously, with all the women out there doing that leg through the slit of their dress thing – you would think Bowen would do it. When she’s on late night talk shows, she’s basically in a t-shirt and no pants that’s how much legs she’s showing off, but here – you can’t see shit. 

So, maybe I don’t like it as much as I thought. It’s nice though and different, but more legs are needed. ALL THE LEGS!

Where are the boobs, Rauch? We know you’ve got them. Stop hiding them from us! 

The rest of it is nice. I mean it fits her nicely and all that jazz. Nice hair and she’s showing off shoulders and all that. 

Lastly…

Kate Mara looks thoroughly unhappy AND she’s smiling. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?

I don’t get it. Well, maybe it is that they’ve colored in her eyes and several inches around them to be a dark black like she’s been possessed by a demon. That might be it. Then they curled her hair around her face to create more shade as if she’s like some faceless phantom who doesn’t want her secret known. THEN they put her in a nearly all white dress like she’s a ghost bride haunting the red carpet. 

So, yeah. 

Something happened to Kate Mara where she doesn’t like glow with life anymore. Maybe it was that stint on Entourage or American Horror Story, but there was a time when Kate Mara looked alive. On House of Cards, it might as well have been revealed that her character was already dead before she became dead because she looked like she had been surviving on a diet of two croutons and a cup of coffee grounds. 

Anyway… that’s the red carpet.

Boobs win again. 

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2 Responses to “EMMYS. RED. CARPET. EXTRAVAGANAZABANANANASTOOPFOOP!”

  1. PWG said

    Bowen’s dress is freaking me out. Like was it moving and they caught that all blurry, or did they print the fabric blurry on purpose? I was just proud I recognized almost everyone, even if some of it was “that chick on that show.”

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