KSWI PRESENTS – HALF-HEARTED 2014 NFL PREDICTIONS!!!!

September 4, 2014

WHADDUP!!!

First question, half-hearted? Where’s the other half of my heart? 

WITH YOU, of course!

Awwwww… I’m a motherfucking sweetheart. 

Anywhozzle!

What has been going on? What have I been up to? What is with all these questions? 

I was thinking about writing about The Fappening… about.

I was going to post about the sexy stolen celebrity photos, which Reddit dubbed The Fappening. 

Honestly, I looked at them. Honestly, I have looked at all previous stolen celebrity photos or videos as well. It has happened quite a bit. It’s happened so many times in fact that some of the photos that were passed around or mentioned on the news were from past stolen moments and not from this current batch of them. Like Olivia Munn. I think there may have been new Olivia Munn stolen photos in there, but Olivia Munn had sexy pictures she took and even wrote sexy messages on them stolen before. Remember when Leighton Meester had a footjob video stolen from her and nude pics to go along with it? This has happened A LOT! This is certainly not a new problem, which doesn’t mean I think it’s a non-issue. It’s certainly an issue that there are people out there violating other people’s privacy and breaking into their phones or icloud accounts or whatever. That sucks and, honestly, I do hope someone brings it to a stop…

That being said, I did look at the pictures because they existed for me to easily look at them. I’ve certainly clicked on enough stuff on the internet that should have made me morally bankrupt, so another click or two ain’t that big of a deal. 

My opinion… they all look great. Jennifer Lawrence looks great. Kate Upton looks great. Brie Larson looks great. Justin Verlander looks great. I’m pretty over baseball as a sport, but Verlander is a great pitcher and it turns out his handsome face matches an thoroughly attractive body. Like I get why women or gay men would want someone who is uber muscly sure, but I feel like women want a guy who is in shape, but at the same time wouldn’t give them grief about how many calories are in a beer or cheesecake. And Verlander is a hairy dude. I don’t think I expected him to be THAT hairy, but he’s pretty hairy. Not Robin Williams RIP hairy, but hairy.

And, let’s be really real, besides the obvious sexual satisfaction of seeing Kate Upton’s bare nipples only a week or two removed from her saying in an interview saying she wouldn’t go full nude in a picture… I have a new appreciation for the Verlander/Upton couple. Sure the gif of him throwing her the ball that got passed around not too long ago was cute, but they are up there as one of my favorite celebrity couples on the planet for the bare ass, double selfie the two of them took together in a hotel room mirror. It’s hilarious and it’s something that I do not think is out of the realm of possibilities as something that I would try to get Danielle to do. 

Anyway, none of them should feel ashamed. Ashamed is the last thing they should feel. People have been taking nekkid selfies since as long as it was possible. There were soldiers in the Civil War carrying around tin 3×5 stills of some chick in their pocket helping them get through those sleepless nights.

Hopefully, they do catch the people who hacked their phones or whatever because that is definitely a crime. And I’ll just wait patiently for these celebrities we’re all so obsessed with to either choose to appear naked in a movie or TV show or them accidentally tweeting a picture of themselves topless a la Allison Pill and Hayley Williams because Twitter is oh so complicated. 

WHAT ELSE?

MOTHER FUCKING FOOTBALL IS STARTING TONIGHT!!!!!

The defending Super Bowl champs – Seattle Seahawks – will kickoff the season by most likely defeating the Green Bay Packers in the Silver City of Seattle. Actually, I don’t think Seattle is the “Silver City”, but who the fuck cares? Really? C’mon! I’m betting literally and figuratively that the Seahawks win tonight. They looked like a bunch of menaces last year kicking the shit out of everyone especially in Seattle, so what’s the diff this year? Not much to me. I think they’re the odds on favorite to win the damn thing again this year. 

As for the predictions… thankfully, the Las Vegas oddsmakers in their secret vault in the middle of the Earth have come up with their predictions on how many wins each team will have and I’m going to look at those numbers and say what I think. 

I will preface this by saying… I’m not looking at their schedules. I probably should, but 32 teams? Ughs! Uggs! UGGZ!!!!! So, I’ll just assess the number as if it were in a vacuum. 

Starting in the NFC! Then the AFC! But as mentioned… THE NFC!

NFC EAST

Philadelphia Eagles – 9 – At least. I think the Eagles can win more than 9. Like I said, none of this is based on a schedule or whatever – it’s just based on my opinion of the team. It’s head coach Chip Kelly’s second year and I think he’ll have even more of a handle on them. Foles played great last year, they’ve got the best running back in LeSean McCoy, they’ve got Darren Sproles, Maclan is back healthy seemingly, racist Riley Cooper is a solid player. Plus, I think like every year – this division is very beatable against each other and I think the Eagles are the strongest of the bunch. 

New York Giants – 8.5 – 9-7 would be a good year for the Giants and at the same time be the end of Tom Coughlin probably. I don’t know why I’m supposed to think they’ll be better than last year minus that they can’t trip over the same shit twice because it is in the past. The Giants are never a team that wins a ton of games, so as long as they’re competitive against the teams in their division then they should be fine and I think they can be competitive there. 

Dallas Cowboys – 7.5 – Less. Their defense should probably be even worse than last year. Their offense is about the same as far as I know and I don’t think that is enough. I think the Eagles are beating them twice, the Giants are going to get at least 1 win, and the next team will win at least a game against them. This will be a bad year for the ‘boys between injuries, crime problems, and lack of depth – I expect mass firings from Jerry Jones at the end of the season. Hopefully, Michael Sam gets to play some because he looked good in the preseason and why the fuck not! 

Washington _________ … fuck it … Redskins – 7.5 – They’re going to be better than last year. They really can’t get worse. I think they’ll make 8 wins, maybe 9. I wouldn’t go further than that. New head coach and all that with Jay Gruden will be an improvement in my opinion. Their defense can’t get worse and they did add talent to the offense with DeSean Jackson who has it in him to be a game changer talent when he wants to be. 

NFC NORTH

Chicago Bears – 8.5 – I was saying this last night, I expect the Bears to kick ass in the first game of the season and maybe in the first few games of the season, but there is just something about the Bears that breaks down at some point. With all their talent, I thought they looked like garbage in the preseason, so I’m not expecting a whole hell of a lot. They could be an 8-8 team though because some games their talent just clicks. Cutler to Marshall and Jeffrey are just too much talent to be shut down all 16 games, but I don’t think they’re doing much better than .500. 

Detroit Lions – 8.5 – Who knows? I don’t. I don’t think they’re winning more than 9 games. Their defense is the same, which means it is overhyped and underperforms. They have some big weapons offensively, but their team just doesn’t win. They went from a disastrous 4-12 to 7-9 last year and I think that’s about where they stay. They may improve to that 8 or 9 wins or not. I mean they lost their last 4 games last season – that is terrible. So, I’ll say 7-9 again.  

Green Bay Packers – 8.5 – Better. I think they’ll put it back together this season and win this division. That may be 9 games or 10 games or maybe more. I don’t think they can be kept down too long. I think they’re losing tonight, but after that I think they’re going to have a bunch of wins this year as their offense is a little more balanced and their defense really can’t get much worse. They signed Julius Peppers to their D and he’ll definitely affect some games out there. 

Minnesota Vikings – 6.0 – I’m not expecting a whole lot from this team. Nothing against their new coach Mike Zimmer because I do like him, but they didn’t make any moves that make me think they’re going to make any leaps meanwhile they lost their best D player in Jared Allen to the Bears. I think they’ll be less than .500, so 6 wins is a decent pick if not generous. Zimmer is a defensive coach, so he needs to get that D together and mean, but no matter how good they are their offense still needs to score those points for them to win and it’s tough to ask Adrian Peterson to carry that all on himself.

NFC SOUTH

Atlanta Falcons – 8.5 – Less. I don’t have high hopes for the Falcons. I don’t think their D is any better and I think their offense will need to score A LOT of points to win these football games. They have a great receiving core, but I don’t know if that is enough. I’m saying 8 wins at most, but maybe 7-9 or so. They had one of the worst collapses in NFL history last year – I don’t think they’re completely over that. 

Carolina Panthers – 8.5 – I feel a little down on the Panthers and I wish I wasn’t because I like Cam Newton a ton and I really enjoyed watching them play defense last year. Their defense I feel like overperformed last year as well as I think they got kind of lucky with how some games played out. We’ll see how they react this year. Can they make themselves an institution as a winning team? I don’t know. They didn’t do a lot on offense as far as moves go and their defense I think is pretty similar to last year. Who knows. I’m saying 8-8 would be a win and I would be shocked if they had 10 wins. 

New Orleans Saints – 8.5 – Old habits diehard and I think the Saints are a team that can always dial it up and score those points early and often. Their defense can’t be much worse than the past few years and their offense seems to always be clicking better than most everyone else. I think they’ll do fine this year and win at least 10 games.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – 8.5 – Less. I don’t see a whole lot for these Bucs. I know that Lovie Smith is taking the reins, but I don’t think that is making them an 8-8 team or better. I’m guessing 7-9, 6-10 or something. I don’t think their offense will be a big threat. I think Lovie will get that defense playing better, but I don’t know if that will win games for them. This is a rebuilding year for them.

NFC WEST

Seattle Seahawks – 11.0 – More. 12 wins, 13 wins, whatever. I think the Seahawks are going back to the Super Bowl. They lost a couple guys and everything, but I don’t think it will greatly change this team. I think they’re still the most under-appreciated football team in the league and I think they can still play with a chip on their shoulder going into this season. Seriously, people are picking the 49ers and the Broncos to go all the way and no one is saying shit about the Seahawks and are still asking if Russell Wilson is the guy. Fuck yeah, he’s the guy and he’s going to be better this year. Russell Wilson is the guy and Richard Sherman is the guy and they’re going to embarrass some teams again this year. 

San Francisco 49ers – 10.5 – They looked like shit in the preseason and they have a ton of injuries and they have several guys sitting out the first few games at least because of criminal shit. What does that mean? I feel like they’re taking a step back this year because of all that. I think Colin Kaepernick is the fucking man, but that team got fucked up this off-season and I’m not sure if the people filling in will be able to bring the thunder as well. They had a rough start last year and came on strong as the season wore on. I feel like the same thing will happen this year. 10 wins? That’s the highest I’ll go because I think this division is really tough and they’ll have a tough time getting those wins. 

St. Louis Rams – 8.5 – 8-8 or 9-7 or 7-9… all around there, sure. I think their defense will be great and their offense could be credible. The key for them like most teams, but definitely for them is to win those 8 games at home. Focus on that. It has been difficult for teams to win in St. Louis these last few years and if the Rams can really make that a goal to win 7 or all 8 of those games and then win a game or 2 on the road then they’ll be following the same model the Seahawks followed. Their main problem is getting their D to play rough on the road and to get their O to be a consistent threat – we’ll see. 

Arizona Cardinals – 7.5 – I feel like this is low. They did take a hit with some injuries, but they played like wildmen last year. This is a tough ass division, but I think they have 8 wins in them. Their defense is stout and their offense I think will be better this year with some consistency from last year. I don’t know if they’re world beaters, but they’re a sneaky team. They have always been a sneaky team. I think at least 8 wins. 

AFC EAST

New England Patriots – 11.0 – Yeah. I mean they’re still the fucking Patriots and they’re still the favorites in this division by a lot and they did upgrade their offensive weaponry. They just haven’t ever faltered enough to doubt them. I don’t root for them by a long shot, but man are they good. I say 11 wins, 12 wins, who knows. Always one of the best teams in the league and they’ll still be that way. 

Miami Dolphins – 7.5 – 8 wins. Sure. I can see 8 wins. This is a make or break year for the Dolphins. I think their coach Joe Philbin has been doing a good job, but coaches that don’t get big win counts or playoff berths usually only stick around for a couple years. We’ll see. I think they will be better than last year and not worse. They were 8-8 last year and I think they can do that again and maybe better.  

New York Jets –  7.0 – This may be the first time in a long time that the Jets’ offense should be better than it was last year. They have improved their offense on paper at least. They have better backs, better receivers seemingly, and Geno played well in the preseason. No matter their woes before they never got worse than a middle of the pack team, so it’s tough to think they’ll fall to far no matter what. It just doesn’t seem in Rex Ryan to have a true failure record wise for a team, so 7 wins sounds reasonable. I hope less. 

Buffalo Bills – 6.5 – 6-10 last year? Yeah, I think they’re going to be about that this year as well. So, yeah, this is pretty spot on, but I’ll say more. I’ll say 7 wins, maybe 8. I don’t think anymore than that. I feel like they’re cursed more than anything with injuries in major areas, so there’s that, but yeah – a middle of the pack year for the Bills which is a positive considering their recent years. 

While on the subject of the Bills… here is the greatest stand-up comedy ever about the Buffalo Bills…

AFC NORTH

Cincinnati Bengals – 9.0 – Less. I’m surprised they think they’ll have that many wins as both their offensive and defensive coordinators have left them this year. I think the Bengals will have a tough year and fizzle out and at best be 7-9 or 8-8. I think they’ll have a rough go of things without the leadership from last year. They had struggles with that leadership, so I don’t expect them to be leading the pack in this division. 

Baltimore Ravens – 8.5 – In some ways, I’d like to think they are going to have a bad season. There is a lot of shit swirling around that team from Ray Rice being a piece of shit to other players getting into trouble as well, but I don’t know if I can admit to myself that they’ll be any worse than like a 9-7 or 10-6 team. They’re a consistently difficult franchise to beat no matter who is on the field for them and I have a hard time visualizing them having that big of a collapse. They were 8-8 last year and I feel like they’ll be better this year because last year was partly growing pains from the Super Bowl hangover.

Pittsburgh Steelers – 8.5 – I hope better. I hope they’re a 10-6 team. I hope they get back to playing the way they should. Honestly, they didn’t look all that good in the preseason. The defense looked vulnerable and the offense didn’t look that dialed in. Obviously, Blount and Bell should have been a huge positive for this season then those two doofuses get caught smoking pot while driving. Supposedly, Ben and Haley are over their issues and I hope they’re on the same page this year, but Sanders is gone and Pouncey is probably going to jail, so what the fuck. It’s 1 step forward, 2 steps back, who the fuck knows. They’re better than this shit and they know they know that, but it still means they need to go out there and prove it like everyone else.  

Cleveland Browns – 6.5 – Worse. I don’t think this team is getting 6 wins. If Josh Gordon wasn’t suspended for a full fucking year for having a nanobite of marijuana in him then they would easily have 6 wins, but not without him in my opinion. I don’t think they have enough of anything to get 6 wins. 4-12. 

AFC SOUTH

Indianapolis Colts – 9.5 – More. I’d bet 10 wins, maybe 11. Andrew Luck is a winner. I don’t see this team losing to the Titans or the Jags and I think they’ll beat the Texans at least once. I think they’ll be fine and ride into the playoffs winning this division. 

Houston Texans – 7.5 – Seriously, what the fuck is going on with this team? Is the Penn State coach going to really turn this shit around? I don’t know. 7-9 or 8-8 would be a miracle from last year. They sure as hell will need huge seasons from JJ Watt and JaDaveon Clowney and I think they can get them. I think unless those two get injured that those two will be terrors, but I’m not sure who else will be. Their offense is suspect with a bunch of castoffs as quarterback options, injury prone running backs and wide receivers, and really just not much to hang your hat on. They can’t be worse than last year, but it will be tough to make those 7 wins. 

Tennessee Titans – 7.0 – Around that. I wouldn’t bet on them getting more than 7 wins. I wouldn’t go as far as saying they’re 8-8. New head coach in Ken Whisenhunt is a good move, but they’ve got a lot of shaky characters on their offense they need to rely on to have big years. Defense? I don’t think they’re world beaters either. 7 wins? Maybe. 8 or 9? I wouldn’t put money on it.

Jacksonville Jaguars – 5.0 – Yeah, they’re not good. They’ve signed some guys to make that defense better and honestly they really can’t be much worse on either side of the ball than they were the past few years. 5 wins is a lot for a team no one should have faith in. I’m saying less. 

AFC WEST

Denver Broncos – 11.5 – Sure. 12 wins, 13 even. Why not? Peyton Manning had the greatest professional football season ever last year and it’s just crazy to think he’ll fall off that much this year. Honestly, he didn’t need to have the greatest professional football season last year to win the games they did. Most of his yards and touchdowns only added insult to injury in wins they already had in the books. If Peyton doesn’t break records this year then that’s fine. I don’t think he has to. He lost some players, but I think he’ll make due and make some new guys famous. As for Welker, Molly-Concussion-head will probably be back in the saddle week 5 to catch 15 passes for 115 yards. They have an early bye-week I know that – week 4. I think that will be a negative for them, but whatever. I don’t see them falling to pieces and being any worse than an 12-4 or 11-5 team. They’ll be back in the playoffs for sure.

Kansas City Chiefs – 8.0 – Their defense played so well in the beginning of the season last year, maybe they’ll come out on fire again and rattle them off. I don’t know. I’m conflicted with this team, but I think they’ll be better than 8 wins. 

San Diego Chargers – 8.0 – I think they’re going to be good. Real good. I think this is the year they pull a 10-6 or something out of their butts. I think they looked more than solid in preseason this year, I thought they were a better team than their record said last year and I think they have it in them to get back to the playoffs this year and make some noise. Who knows? Maybe their season is filled with East Coast trips and they’ll be fucked, but whatever. I think they’re a 10-6 team.

Oakland Raiders – 5.0 – I’ll say 6 wins. They surprise people. But yeah, I don’t think they’ll be good. They could just fall apart, but they’re a team that has been living in chaos for years. 4-12 last year? They’re a better ball club than last year, so 5 or 6 wins is possible. 

Woooooooo…

I’m done. 

I love you.

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