What the F@#K are we listening to? U2’s “California (There is No End to Love)” edition

September 15, 2014

Hello.

I have a serious admission to make… I was violated last week.

VIOLATED BY U2!!!

And it wasn’t just me! IT WAS YOU TOO!

YOU TOO GOT VIOLATED BY U2!!!!

OH, THE IRONY! BUT NOT REAL IRONY, BUT THE IRONY THAT PEOPLE THINK IS THE DEFINITION OF IRONY AND REALLY ISN’T IRONY. IT’S MORE LIKE AN AMUSING COINCIDENCE OR SOMETHING THAT’S JUST MILDLY RELATED THAT ONE WOULDN’T EXPECT TO BE RELATED AND IN THAT IT IS JUST THAT AMUSING COINCIDENCE I MENTIONED A SECOND AGO. OH, THE IRONY!!!!

Is there a band named THE IRONY?

I would check out a song or two of The Irony on the Youtube if there was such a band. I mean I never heard of the band LET’S WRESTLE before, but then did hear of them and listened to them because I thought that’s a great name and listened to this song…

And I really dig this song.

Also, I feel like this song was in a movie or a TV show and I can’t figure out, which one. Hmmmm…

What was I talking about at the beginning of this post? Let me check…

WE WERE ALL VIOLATED BY U2!!!!!

Ahhhhh yes…

And by us and by me and by you too, I mean our iTunes accounts, which are in fact closer to me and more apart of my life than many of my internal organs and/or your internal organs, so it’s a total violation.

What happened?

Well, for whatever reason, Apple – the people who are not-so-secretly trying to rule the world by turning us all into slaves to their robots – decided to spice up their launching of the iPhone 6 and the new iWatch – is it called iWatch? – by also releasing the wholly unanticipated new U2 album.

That sounds pretty random, but you have to remember – YOU HAVE TO! – that Apple did once make that U2 ipod, which was preloaded with the then new U2 album. Remember seeing that stupid “Vertigo” commercial all the time? ONE! TWO! THREE! FORTY! Isn’t that what he says in like Italian or something… and by he, I mean Bono. And by Bono, I mean the guy you’ve been sick of hearing sing for the past 30 years and is the father of Eve Hewson aka “shy busty nurse” on THE KNICK who I think we have about a 55% chance of seeing topless by season’s end. Actually, I’ve missed the past two episodes, so she may have gotten topless already. ACTUALLY! With how slow the show moves, Eve could be still in the process of taking her top off from two weeks ago. ZING!

Let me clear things up, if you have an iPhone or an iPad or an iTunes account anywhere including your iButt then Apple and U2 just fucking jammed their new album SONGS OF INNOCENCE right into that fucking thing. JUST RIGHT IN THERE!

I remember the good old days when the iCloud was just filled with naked celebrity pictures that they didn’t want everyone and their own mother to see, but now the iCloud is also the fortress of solitude for U2’s album… which means it is free.

Yep. Free album from U2.

Honestly, I think it is kind of weird that U2 just dropped a load in us all, but I’m not truly surprised.

And to be clear, it’s FREE for all of us, but it wasn’t free for Apple. They paid in some estimates $100 million for the album. I’m not sure what the number is nor do I care. I don’t really know why Apple did this, but they did.

I will say that I don’t really give a fuck about the new iPhone in any way more than I did about the past iPhones and me eventually getting one of the newer ones because I broke the old one or I was up for a new or whatever.

I will also say that I do really like the look of the watch. I don’t necessarily want one myself. I really don’t think the watch is necessary at all. Maybe it’s good for blind people because it seems like it is best used through voice commands? I have no idea. Maybe if you’re paralyzed by the fear of putting your hand into your pocket to retrieve your phone? I don’t know. I do think it looks a billion times better than I anticipated. It looks great and I think it will sell great. The Google Glass shit looked like shit, but the watches actually look stylish for really anyone and I’ll give my kudos – not the peanut butter ones – to Apple on that.

Back to U2…

I’m not a U2 fan.

I am a fan of the podcast U Talkin’ U2 to Me? And the two of them – Adam Scott and Scott Aukerman – love U2 and they reviewed the album and were really positive about it. Good for them. I’m glad they liked it. Me? Not so much.

A particularly terrible song or disliked or just fucking yuck song was track 3… CALIFORNIA (THERE IS NO END TO LOVE)

And I would put a video up here… but YOU HAVE THE FUCKING SONG ALREADY!

I have to say thank you to U2 because it certainly made me not purchasing this album easier than I had expected. Since, I listen to that funny U2 related podcast – i was thinking of listening to the album whenever it did come out. BUT! I clearly wasn’t going to buy it. So, I would have to listen to it on the Youtube or download it illegally. Guess what?! U2 did the job for me and just sent me the fucking album as well as YOU TOO and now we don’t have to worry about spending money or our moral compass being off course because we illegally downloaded it for a listen and then deleted it.

Before I shit on the shitty lyrics of the California song…

I think it is fucking smart as fuck for U2 to have done this. I think it would be smart as fuck for any band to do what U2 did. The only problem is that Apple already has a relationship with U2 and they’re not going to do what they did for just anyone. Whether I like it or not, U2 is a global band. A FUCKING HUGE BAND. And they can do shit like this. Like dropping their fucking album onto every piece of Apple branded device you own or the fucking iTunes you’re using on an IBM compatible because Apple is just that fucking big of a shit.

First, U2 got paid.

Second, it’s so much insane advertising for the album in a way that it probably wouldn’t have gotten before. It would have certainly been covered and reviewed before, BUT now literally everyone can review this album themselves because they didn’t just give it away for free – THEY FUCKING STUCK IT INSIDE OF YOU WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT.

Second part B, not just advertising for reviews, but advertising for TV shows, commercials, movies, and so forth that are looking for music to put in their shit and they’re not the best with choosing music. It’s brand new music that is sitting right there for YOU TO listen TO. It’s all harmless soft rock music, which is perfect for TV commercials or montages in broadcast TV.

Third, I guarantee it will soften the blow of a lot of reviews because it’s free and that makes people less critical about the work. Some may say that it “cheapens” it like it won’t be seen as a classic record because it was free, but how many new albums are labeled classics for bands that have been around for more than 10 or 15 or 20 or 30 years? None.

Fourth, I do think it will rekindle some past fans or some on the fence people because they didn’t have to go out of their way for it.

Fifth, we already think of U2 as being assholes – good or bad – and only an asshole could really just force an album into your phone and get away with it.

As for my thoughts on the album quickly… it’s meh. It’s a U2 album to me in what I would expect from a U2 album – especially a U2 album from the past decade or even two decades. If this is new or heady shit from U2 then I really do feel bad for U2 fans who have sat through worse. As mentioned a minute ago, I feel like this album sounds like harmless soft rock. It’s “dirtiest” moments are on “Volcano”, which still sounds like a song that could be in a Pixar movie. It’s well-produced? I hate saying that because it’s really not that much of a compliment, but there are badly produced albums by big name artists. It’s background music mostly and some people really like that. And I would know because I did just see Steve Winwood open for Tom Petty on Thursday.

CALIFORNIA!!!

This song sucks. And I’d like to take a look at the lyrics because the beginning moments of the song are an affront to humanity.

[Intro 4x:]
Bar-Bar-Barbara, Santa Barbara
Bar-Bar-Barbara, Santa Barbara
Bar-Bar-Barbara, Santa Barbara
Bar-Bar-Barbara, Santa Barbara

Yes…. errr… I mean no.

NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

No, you cannot start a song off with Bar-Bar-Barbara, Santa Barbara and for me not to hate you. I thought I disliked U2 for pretty much every song they released from 1990 onward, but this is a new low for them. Remember when The Edge rapped and there were people pushing their feet into his face? That was better than this. It only lasts 30 seconds – that’s what she said – but it’s the worst 30 seconds of your life – that’s also what she said! I’M ON FIRE!!!!

Anyway, fuck U2.

Santa Barbara? Legitimately, around the 10th city I would think of naming if I were to right a song about California or expecting to hear a song about California. Obviously, Los Angeles would be right up there or San Francisco or San Diego or San Jose if we’re keeping with that San or Sacramento the much maligned capital city of California or Oakland because they have a professional football team like San Francisco and San Diego or Sonoma because I drink wine because I’m cultured or I would probably say Big Sur which isn’t a city but a populated region… I mean Santa Barbara is not high on the list.

I really just don’t know where Santa Barbara jumps into the forefront of this song minus U2 and/or Bono living in Santa Barbara.

Also, the band all chanting it together like surfer style Gregorian monks makes me want to blame all of them for this idiocy AND it makes me believe or anticipate that the following song will be almost entirely made up of lyrics involving California towns/cities.

California
Then we sail into the shiny sea
The weight that drags your heart down
Well, that’s what took me where I need to be

Ok.

He mentions the state itself, but the rest of that stanza sounds more like a suicide note.

Sailing into the sea – seemingly away from California and/or Santa Barbara – and a weight is dragging our heart? Sounds depressing. Doesn’t sound like I want to live in Santa Barbara. Doesn’t sound like I want to live at all, Quite Frankly with Stephen A. Smith.

And I’m not sure if the the “where I need to be” is death or a suicide help center in Santa Barbara.

Which is here, Alazzurra
Watching you cry like a baby
California
At the dawn you thought would never come
But it did
Like it always does

I’m understanding this song a lot less than previously anticipated.

Alazzurra? I have no idea what that is. I just typed that into Google – the holder of all answers – and all the results are for an Italian motorcycle. Is Bono talking about riding his Italian motorcycle into the sea to kill himself and then crying baby noises is the bike’s engine gurgling in the Pacific Ocean? If so, BRAVO!

Ok, I Googled “Alazzurra California” and it’s still pointing to Italian motor bikes or it’s just showing websites with the lyrics to this song on it.

Not helpful.

Crying at the dawn because you thought it never would come, but it did like it always does? Ugh. Blech. Yuck. One of those. Um… well, it sounds like trite garbage that could be in any song ever for the most part and wouldn’t be surprised if it wasn’t in another U2 song.

Is Bono’s kid named Alazzurra? I mean we know the one’s name is Eve Hewson. But does he have a kid named Alazzurra? It would make this baby crying bit make more sense, but it doesn’t help explain the first part any better.

Whoa, oh, all I know
And all I need to know is
There is no, yeah,
There is no end to love

That was unexpected, right?

I’m not the only one who thought that was like a severe left turn on an Alazzurra Italian motorcycle, right?

Again, that is some Hallmark bullshit that could be in any song let alone a song that is about California or about anything. It’s just kind of a-typical song writing.

I didn’t call you
A risk can scare a thought away
Everyone’s a star in our town
It’s just your light gets dimmer if you have to stay

The town of Santa Barbara? Never knew it was suck a rough town.

The first two lines are decent. A risk can scare a thought away is a good lyric. I’ll fully admit that. And pairing it with the idea of that thought being a phone call is decent stuff as well. I don’t really know what most of that has to do with the earlier stuff mentioned in this song.

Was I right that he was planning on committing suicide or felt suicidal on a motorcycle – great rhyme – and he still loves someone and knows that, but he’s too scared to call that someone?

That may be right. That may not be right. Either way, that is me piecing together something because anyone can use their imagination to create a story where one does or does not exist. That’s literally what a writing exercise is. Grab random words or sentences or ideas and make a story connecting them. It’s called using your brain.

The next part seems unrelated unless the person he’s not calling is his agent and/or Santa Barbara has the craziest Tindr singles’ scene.

In your bedroom, in a mirror
Watching yourself cry like a baby
California
The blood orange sunset brings you to your knees
I’ve seen for myself, there’s no end to grief
That’s how I know

It got weird. Bono just made it weird.

Crying baby image and/or words being used again and a random shout out to California. Before it was Alazzurra crying. Now, it’s you are crying. Or is it California crying? I’m not sure.

There was no end to love, right? Now, there is no end to grief! What does have an end, Bono?! Hopefully, this song.

So, Bono killed his motorcycle and he’s sad? You’re a millionaire, Bono! Buy another one!

Whoa, that’s how I know
And why I need to know
That there is no, yeah,
There is no end to love

Whoa, oh, all I know
And all I need to know is
There is no, yeah,
There is no end to love

Whoa, oh, all I know
And all I need to know is
There is no, yeah,
There is no end to love

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

What a shitty song. Seriously.

It’s like they came up with this refrain, which is fairly milquetoast… and then when Bono was asked to sing the lyrics for the song he was like I’ll just improvise some lyrics like I’m scatting. And by scatting – I mean either jazz beeps and boops and/or actual shit coming from his mouth because that’s what these lyrics feel like.

I’ll also mention that I thought he said something about Zuma and not Alazzurra when I listened to the song. So, I actually thought those lyrics did mention a second California town. Unless Alazzurra is a California town that is just not known by Google.

Whoa, we come and go
With stolen days you don’t get back
Stolen days are just enough

I’m not sure if I can even take a decent stab at that, but it feels like a suicidal thought. I don’t know.

If you listen to the song, Bono et al really harp on this “there is no” part over and over and over again and it sounds more like one word than 3 separate words, but either way…

there is no

Pismo

San Luis Obispo

Quiznos

Those are some useful rhymes. Pismo and SLO are Cali towns and there are a fuck ton of Quiznos in California. I feel like that was a real missed opportunity for some solid tales about eating toasted sandwiches on the sandy beaches of the left coast.

Also, really just a missed opportunity for a song worth listening to in general.

At least, it’s free?

I love you.

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5 Responses to “What the F@#K are we listening to? U2’s “California (There is No End to Love)” edition”

  1. PWG said

    Strangely I just booked a flight to San Luis Obispo 10 minutes ago. Well, not to that airport, because the smaller the airport the more expensive it is to fly there, right? To LAX, for a trip to SLO. What are the chances of someone dropping a flight from DEN to LAX right out of the sky with me and Mr. PWG on it? These are the things I have to consider as a parent now, 13 years after 9/11 and one month into the ISIS/ISIL beheadings-o-rama.

    Like, is it better to fly to a podunk airport, because who’s going to go to the trouble of bringing down an MD-80 going to San Luis Obispo? Or go to LAX and drive 3 hours, because flights to LAX are like schools of fish and the chances of bringing down that particular flight are minimal?

    Strange things happen to/from the Denver airport. I’m not saying Blucifer the demon horse is causing them, but I’m not ruling it out, either.

    I’m not afraid to fly, but I do consider these things when choosing airports. And then ignore them and take the cheapest flight. Glad I could draw some NSA attention to your blog today with all my terrorist references. I’m sure there are some bored dudes in Homeland Security who could do with some chuckles. Check out the archives, boys, I’d start with the haikus.

    p.s., I will play that stupid-ass song on my lucky golden ticket winning iPhone while driving through Santa Barbara, and tell you if it makes any more sense.

    p.p.s., Bono needs to stop saying whoa-oh-oh. like ever again.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      I have been to SLO a couple times. Are you going to Hearst Castle? I don’t know if I ever mentioned this on the blog, but I have done the first tour at Hearst Castle twice and it was the EXACT same tour like 12 years apart with the same jokes and all. There are I think 4 different tours at Hearst Castle, but you have to take the first tour and prove it to take the next ones… I think. The place is nuts and to think it was built in the Great Depression and it would’ve been even crazier if the guy didn’t die.

      • PWG said

        Sadly, no, it’s for an “elopement reception.” I did take that Hearst Castle tour when I was a kid. I remember being impressed by each table setting having its own set of condiments. Fuck the giraffes and Olympic-sized swimming pool, there are, like, 25 individual mustards on that table!

        Feel free to steal the elopement reception idea, by the way.

  2. James said

    Okay first off your lyrics are incorrect it’s no “alazurra” it’s “out on zuma” which is a beach in California

  3. gary said

    I absolutely love this song…… it is awesome!!!! fucking awesome…… whoa whoa whoa……all I know …..
    but laughing my ass off as I also googled alazurra – AHA… it is out on Zuma… just listened real close!!!! Awesome

    Thanks James – you are a star

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