September 23, 2014

Whad. Dup.

I really have one thing to say today – really just one thing – and I thought I would get it right out in the open at the start of this post and then we’ll see where things go from there, ok?

What’s the one thing?

I have seen Hope Solo’s asshole 3 times and my future wife’s new wedding dress 0 times. 

Let me clarify… my future wife got a wedding dress.

The future wife being Danielle. Remember her?

And it wasn’t a NEW wedding dress as in she had an old wedding dress that she had used a dozen or so times and was a little beat-up and its natural coloring was starting to favor a brownish tinge like Hope Solo’s asshole. No, I didn’t mean to confuse anyone about that.

Although! Danielle did seem set on a different wedding dress a week earlier. A wedding dress that the only thing I knew about it was that it was the second of three dresses that Danielle liked. Keeping its anonymity for me, we would call the dress #2. Yep.

Shame on you if you thought I was going to follow-up that tidbit with a joke about Hope Solo’s asshole being where her #2’s come out of. That’s just inappropriate. Unnecessary even. As unnecessary as having an extreme close-up of your own asshole up in the icloud.

Danielle went dress shopping for the first time and second time at two shops in South Jersey a couple of Fridays ago and she came up empty-handed at the first place as she was shown dresses she would never ever wear by a gremlin who resembled a down on her luck Snooki from 40 years into the future.

The second place went much better and Danielle found three dresses that she liked a lot. The first she kind of just kept on the roster of mentioned dresses as a moral victory for that dress because the real focus was on Danielle is dresses 2 and 3. And that’s all I get. 2 and 3. The chronological order of the dresses she liked.

See, Danielle doesn’t want me to see the wedding dress until our wedding. BUT… we do this weird thing as a couple, which makes this process much more annoying – we talk. We talk to each other! I know it got worse right there. So, Danielle wants to tell me about how the dress shopping went and I want to hear about it too because I’m concerned with what she’s up to and how successful these ventures have been because picking out your wedding dress can be quite stressful and if Danielle is stressed out then she’s probably not going to be as compliant as she normally is about watching a COPS marathon on a Friday night.

So, 2 and 3. That’s what I got all Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday of last week. 2 and 3. 2 and 3 really held a place in my consciousness. I was very concerned about 2 and 3. And at the same time, 2 and 3 could have been called Professor Bumpkin Delight and Dr. Swaggleboot Dantrypoot because I HAD NO FuCKING CLUE WHAT THEY LOOKED LIKE.

Either way, we talked about them a lot and all I know about 2 and 3 is that TWO was supposed to be more “fun” and THREE was supposed to be more “girly”. That’s it!

Honestly, it didn’t even matter that I knew that because I don’t have a say in the matter, but that is what Danielle let me know about these dresses.

By Thursday, Danielle had ruled out dress 3 and had settled with dress 2 as Danielle prepared herself to go to…



I never heard of “Say Yes to the Dress” until earlier this year when my sister went to Kleinfeld’s to get her dress and my mom was very wary of going there and Danielle understood why she was and I was out of the loop. Then it was that they have a TV show that somehow went unnoticed by me and that on said TV show they show women buying wedding dresses for like a billion thousand dollars and that’s intimidating.

My mom went with my sister and my mom and my sister loved the place and ended up getting my sister’s dress there. Then I found out my cousin got her dress there a year or two earlier and I was at that wedding. Danielle and I did sit down and watch a few episodes of the TV show and it is a pretty fucking good show, so I can see why it is popular. Still surprised I had never heard of it until a few months ago.

Friday at 2:30pm … Danielle went to Kleinfeld’s. Her posse was her mom and her maid of honor – Danielle’s maid of honor, not Danielle’s mom’s maid of honor… that would have been odd, right? Ok. So, the three lady amigas went to Kleinfeld’s and long story short…




Not that seeing The Situation is a bad omen like a black cat walking past you or crows waiting on the hood of your car or walking into a movie and finding out moments prior that M. Night Shyamalan directed it. In fact, as mentioned, vis-a-vis… Danielle did buy a wedding dress at Kleinfeld’s so seeing The Situation somewhere could be a sign of good luck like shooting star, finding an up-turned quarter, or our pitbull Coco giving you a lick on the face BECAUSE SHE NEVER GIVES ME LICKS ON THE FACE. IS IT THE BEARD?!?!?!?! JUST GIVE ME A LICK!!!!


The Situation and his whole family of juiced up Italians were at Kleinfeld’s looking at wedding dresses for his sister who if you watched the Jersey Shore should remember. And strangely enough, The Situation has seen Danielle in her wedding dress and YET I HAVE NOT. Either way…

Danielle found a wedding dress… and she said yes to it.

Where was I when this all happened? I was recovering from a bad hangover on my couch with Coco. I got the text that she bought a dress and I was happy. Yes, I was happy. I had a moment of happiness like when you’re eating a really good cannoli and you’re just like fuck I love everything for this moment.

What do I know about this dress? Well, she said it was “ivory”. That’s all I know. It kind of slipped out of her mouth at one point and she copped to the dress being ivory, which isn’t like a shock or anything. I mean I was expecting a white wedding dress.

The wedding is a YEAR and THREE DAYS away, so I’ve got a lot of time between now and then and me seeing this dress for the first time. And until that time… any electronic device that has iphotos on it has suddenly become an active explosive device that I have to carefully avoid.

Who knows how the icloud works. Seriously. I mean I have seen Hope Solo’s asshole because of it, so it’s not unlikely that the icloud would just up and decide to randomly show me a picture of Danielle’s wedding dress at any time prior to a year and three days from today.


We’ve got the venue, the caterers, the photographer, and the wedding dress.

We’ve got to make our save the dates which we kind of have already, wedding invitations, the DJ who we are meeting next week via an awkward Skype session, the flower guy we have but we have to meet with him, Danielle’s working on choosing the bridesmaid dresses, and that’s what I know. I’m not sure what else we have to get together.

Oh right, Hope Solo’s asshole. Well, that was sent to me in an email. Truthfully. Funnily enough, it is better that someone sent a picture of a stranger, yet excellent soccer player’s asshole to me than a picture of my future wife in her wedding dress.

What a wonderful world we live in, right?


4 Responses to “wedding dress Wedding Dress WeDDinG DreSS WEDDING DRESS WEDDING DRESS WEDDING DRESS”

  1. Kim said

    Is it weird that I’m really f-ing excited that Danielle got her wedding dress at Kleinfeld’s? I’m a big fan of that show — how cool. I’m living vicariously thru your blog post right now! Woo-Hoo — Wedding Dress from Kleinfeld’s!! That has to be lucky or something for your marriage! Congrats — can’t wait to read all you have to write from now until the Big Day!

  2. PWG said

    I feel like I need to see some sort of wedding checklist or spreadsheet, so I can track the wedding planning progress and freak out as deadlines approach.

    I picked the first dress I tried on, in the first store I went to because I fucking hate shopping that much. I could have done better.

    • HeyyyBrother said

      That would require I have some sort of wedding checklist or spreadsheet though, and that I wasn’t just planning this shindig like “oh yeah it’s probably time for that thing now”.

  3. HeyyyBrother said

    Never imagined my wedding dress and Hope Solo’s asshole would be discussed so closely together. Then again, I also never imagined I’d be marrying some crazy man from the interwebs, so… LIFE!

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