My digestive system is a TOXIC SEWER OF HATE

September 30, 2014

Whaddup!

I went to a bachelor party this past weekend and that means one thing and one thing only…

I’M STILL NOT POOPING RIGHT!!!!

Yerp.

There’s something that is left out of movies or TV shows or really anything where they show what truly happens at these all guys drinking weekends and that is us giving ourselves putrid diarrhea and horrific gas.

Some say it’s penance. Some say it’s because you spend 3 straight days and nights drinking a million beers, eating potato chips, cheeseburgers, and little to no sleep. That’s what happens to your body.

Maybe rich people do it up differently. Maybe they have hummus with freshly baked pita squares, grilled chicken over a bed of baby spinach, and plush king beds with late wake-up times.

Maybe that’s what they do, but that’s not what I’ve seen. The few bachelor parties I have been to have been about drinking as many beers as you can and stuffing yourself with an Applebees amount of food and barely getting a wink of sleep in between.

This past weekend’s bachelor party was from Thursday night to early Sunday morning. It was not my bachelor party, but a college friend’s.

I had some laughs. A lot of laughs actually.

I had some beers. A lot of beers actually.

And I came to a realization that I already knew, but I had it re-realized for me yet again…

MEN’S ASSHOLES STINK LIKE THE DEVIL

I’m not talking about the literal “devil”… probably because I don’t think there is a LITERAL devil out there.

If there were a literal devil, I’d guess he would smell like burnt flowers. He was an angel and the most beloved the moment before he fell, so I would assume he smelled like wondrous flowers and then the whole Hell thing made him smell like ash and soot, so burnt flowers.

The devil I’m talking about is the concept of a devil. Like the most repugnant evil to ever exist because that’s what men’s assholes smell like.

MEN’S ASSHOLES STINK LIKE THE MOST REPUGNANT EVIL TO EVER EXIST

As mentioned earlier about what really goes on at these bachelor parties, it’s giving ourselves diarrhea.

The other thing that happens is…

A HOLOCAUST OF FARTS

There are guys out there who fart in front of ladies. There are. You’ve probably met them or maybe even married one.

I’m not talking about a guy who farts in front of his lady because he’s married. I’m talking about the guy who just tears ass in front of a lady regardless of how intimate they are. Just a free spirit with his farts.

There are guys like that.

There are even more guys that fart in front of other guys. That percentage of guys is 99.999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999% of guys.

And that becomes incredibly apparent when you’re around just other guys. Not just other guys, but 12 other guys.

What happens when 12 guys spend a couple days and nights together?

YOUR NOSE LIVES IN A CONSTANT HELL OF FARTS

Just not stop farting. I mean the idea that the beans, campfire scene in “Blazing Saddles” is supposed to be comedic is apparent, but it’s more of a documentary than anything about a bunch of dudes hanging out together.

This idea that men are showing each other their penises or talking about their penis size to defeat each other in some alpha/beta relationship is not something that happens or at least I’ve never seen it occur in 31 years on this planet.

What I have seen or smelt is the raucous dispelling of vile air through another man’s rotting asshole when in the company of other men.

And I do believe they’re rotting.

MEN’S ASSHOLES ARE ROTTING

I don’t know how else an odor of such immeasurable stank could come out of something that was alive and well.

They have to be dead and decomposing. It’s like an air magnet being forced through a world of the stinkiest metals ever imagined that the magnet attracts and gets those metals stuck to and when it comes out the other end of that world – it’s like a fucking claymore mine of shit stank exploding in your face.

It’s insane.

There was a point on Saturday night — so we had already gone through Friday night which was a lawless amount of drinking and Saturday which had more drinking — where we were all sitting around this fire pit and joking around and one of the other 31 year old men who was sitting there started to let loose some gas and if I was at all sober or had a car I would have driven him to the hospital.

THE HOSPITAL!

His gas smelled so bad it was really reproachable.

It was simply wrong.

Just not right.

It was the opposite of right.

It was a “2 + 2 = potato” level of wrong.

Honestly, I made fun of this man. And, honestly, I should have tried to help him. Get him some professional medical advice because clearly there was a dead raccoon lodged in his asshole.

All I did was make fun of him as well as a few others, but this could have been a real learning opportunity for him to catalogue what he had ate or ingested and he could have deduced what part of that diet made his gas smell like expired eggs cooking under heat lamps in a room made entirely of shit.

He was drinking many heavy IPA beers, he was eating chips, there was a 7 layer bean dip he may have ate, there was pizza, there had been hotdogs and cheeseburgers the day earlier… or he could have been snacking on raw whale meat marinated in sewage waste. I don’t know. I’m just saying we could have helped, but we didn’t.

We just laughed about it as we felt nauseous and let the problem persist and no doubt his innocent wife had to deal with I could only imagine was nuclear poisoning level of diarrhea in their upscale Boston residence this past couple days.

Outside of that…

Well, it was a good time. It was a bunch of 31 year olds and the bachelor’s younger brothers. One of those younger brothers – the youngest – is 18 and he got put through the ringer. He drank a ton of beer Friday night, got served his first scotch, smoked pot, smoked cigarettes (much much much worse), and he spent all day Saturday throwing up all day to night.

So, we accomplished that as well.

Horrific ass gas.

Broke an 18 year old.

So, for any ladies out there who are like “I want to go to a bachelor party weekend” – you don’t.

You do want to go on a vacation of sorts and drink and have no worries for a weekend.

Rest assured, you do not want to step into the Hellhole that is a man’s bachelor party because it simply will be you smelling all of those men’s Hellholes for a weekend.

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2 Responses to “My digestive system is a TOXIC SEWER OF HATE”

  1. Kim said

    Thank You so much for bending the Bro Code and letting us girls know the harsh truth about Bachelor Party Weekends!! OMG I’m still laughing as I type this — Holocaust of Farts!! Haha! I was laughing so noticeably at my desk that several co-workers stopped by to see what the Hell was so funny! I can’t even begin …. I’ve never been able to get thru a fart joke/noise w/o laughing and this was a wonderful, hilarious break from an otherwise dull day! Thanks again — and I hope your shit gets back to normal soon!

  2. PWG said

    It’s super lucky for me that the first free minute I had today was lunchtime. By lunchtime I mean I ran downstairs and got a container of hummus and veggies, so that’s what I was trying to put in my mouth while I read this.

    I think fresh crisp cucumbers are near the polar opposite of fart holocausts, but I still hesitated to put them in my mouth while I was reading. I was afraid I was somehow going to taste the farts through the internet if I put that cucumber slice in my mouth.

    So thanks for making me sit here like an idiot with a cucumber hovering near my head for five minutes while I tried to convince myself it was psychosomatic.

    It took my boys an embarrassingly long time to realize I was lying about girl farts smelling like roses.

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