WHADDUP!

Honestly, I do think about you. I think about you a lot.

All that thinking doesn’t always turn into doing. Actually, it rarely turns into doing.

I mean I was thinking a lot yesterday about getting a haircut and never got one. I’m thinking about getting one right now, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to happen. Also, I think about buying microphones and audio doo-hickees to record a podcast with, but haven’t actually done it.

What would the podcast be about?

I mean I’m thinking it would be about beer. And talking about our feelings.

I think it would be called “Sharing a sixer with Jordan”.

Who knows if it will ever never happen. Who indeed.

BACK TO THE FACT THAT I’M POSTING!!!!

I have been thinking a lot about doing a year end wrap-up of movies that I actually saw – I think I saw 24 movies this year – and talking about the movies that are supposed to be so damn good that I didn’t see and have no to almost none desire to see.

I have also been thinking about just doing a year end wrap-up considering I got engaged this year and that’s a big dealy. Also, I went to Alaska, was on a cruise, went to London, and other shit, but that’s not what today’s post is about.

Instead, I’m going to talk about movies that may or may not get made at some point in the future.

THE FUTURE!!!

Hollywood or, as I like to call it, Holly-weird-wood, is big into movies. If you didn’t know that already. It’s kind of their bag, if you know what I mean by meaning you’ve seen one of the Austin Powers movies to know what a “bag” is or you’re fucking old to have possibly said it.

Holly-weird-wood has a thing called “The Black List”, which is different than the TV show that I have never and will never watch and is much different than the idea of “blackballing” or “white-washing” or “b-balling” or “teabagging” or a “list of BBCs”.

The Black List is a list of the best unproduced screenplays of the year.

I was dildoing around the internet and found this article at GammaSquad aka one of my nerdy haunts…

http://uproxx.com/gammasquad/2014/12/2014-black-list-sci-fi/

It’s got links to all your Black List needs and it so nicely listed the 17 movies with sci-fi and supernatural elements and gave little blurbs about each.

I read through them and liked a few and dislike others.

I thought I would put my judgy pants on and sift through these 17 blurbs and give my thoughts because WHY THE FUCK NOT! IT’S A FREE COUNTRY! #BlackLivesMatter #BlackListMatters #JordansThoughtsMatter #RealisticallyJordansThoughtsDoNotMatterThatMuch #Hashtag

So, let’s do this…

AETHER by Krysty Wilson-Cairns (24 votes)
In near future London, a revolutionary technology has been invented that can record sounds hours after they were made. Detective Harry Orwell, inventor of this technology, is part of a pilot program where investigators record and analyze past sound waves and finds himself the prime suspect while investigating a string of brutal murders.
Producer: Film Nation

First off, I do not understand the “voting” thing necessarily, so don’t really focus on that. Or do and figure it out. I mean the cure for cancer COULD be in solving this voting question, so do it or don’t because there are scientists trying to figure out a more logical way to curing cancer, but whatever be a free spirit and live your life and answer questions by thinking outside the box or just continue reading this article and forget about votes because voting is lames. Anywhenzzle…

Unless, “Krysty” is from London then I hate her for setting this in London. Hey Krysty, can you stop fingering yourself to Benedict Cumberbatch for a SECOND and just write your screenplay. I get that you’re like, “Maybe if I write this screenplay the bestest ever and I set it in London and I describe the handsome male lead to look exactly like Benedict then someday soon someone will buy the script, set out to make it into a movie, cast Benedict Cumberbatch, the director will invite me to set, the director who is let’s just say Kathryn Bigelow introduces Benedict and I, and he’s just so lovely and invites me to lunch to talk about the finer points of the script, and at lunch he won’t stop telling these wonderful anecdotes and we’re laughing and drinking champagne and eating these delicious and tiny little sandwiches that his personal chef prepared, and he keeps touching my hand, and don’t you know a breeze comes in through the open window and my hair goes across my face and before I can even bring my own hand to my face – Benedict is ever so gently tucking the hair behind my ear, and I blush and he blushes, and then everything is a blur and his erect and probably uncircumcised penis is thrusting inside my welcoming vagina, and I’m comfortable for the first time in my life about the sight of an uncircumcised penis, which was a real deal breaker with Steven junior year of college I mean he was from Illinois – do they not circumcise boys in Illinois – but I’m comfortable and enjoying Benedict’s turtle-necked Benedick…

I mean I get it Krysty. I get it. I think we’ve all been there. I think we’ve all tried to think of a screenplay featuring an actor or actress we want to bang in hopes that it will get made and then they’ll get cast and then we’ll bang, but what none of us writers realize… IT’S THE DIRECTOR WHO BANGS THE ACTRESS. IT’S NEVER THE WRITER – outside of Arthur Miller – WHO BANGS THE ACTRESS and/or ACTOR. It’s like a make-up woman who ends up getting that peen or a producer who calls the actor into her office or whatever.

Anyway, I’m engaged and the only screenplay I’ve done any real work on this year in my mind has Marc Maron in it, so I’ve given up on that bang-casting. You know?!

Hmmm… as for Krysty’s screenplay idea… yeah, that’s what I’m supposed to be talking about… it’s pretty good. It’s kind of one of those “of course, he’s being investigated for murder” kind of things, but it’s good. I like the idea.

Not to always make this about me, but I had a screenplay idea that was about how all of the text messages and phone calls and data of ours that just gets sent up into the atmosphere actually begins to collect and become a thick smog like twenty years into the future. So there’s this smog covering our cities that sometimes just materializes a picture or a text or a sound file or something and we have to wear earphones and so forth to try and combat the chaos of noise. In that smog, a person hears randomly what they think is a terrorist plot and alerts the government and the government goes on high alert and the nation goes on high alert about this terrorist plot. What ends up happening is that the terrorist plot because real as self-fulling prophecy because once people begin reporting it so much it makes people watching at home decide to join this terrorist movement that is causing the government to shut everything down. Meanwhile, the terrorist plot was really a phone call from decades earlier just talking about the idea that there could be a terrorist plot in the future.

Honestly, it makes sense in my head. Not sure if it makes sense in that paragraph. I don’t know… I like the idea of self-fulling prophecy.

SITUATION COMEDY by Cat Vasko (24 votes)
A young woman, feeling directionless, stumbles upon a mysterious courtyard where she is transported into a sitcom-like universe, becoming a major character on this “TV show.”
Producer: Right Of Way

I like this one a lot. It could be like a sci-fi “Synechoche, New York” and hopefully less depressing. Also, I simply like the title being so frills-less.

If “Too Many Cooks” taught us anything, it’s that “Situation Comedy” could definitely work to incorporate comedy, horror, sci-fi and more horror.

TAU by Noga Landau (23 votes)
A woman held captive in the futuristic smart house of a serial kidnapper realizes that her only hope of escape lies in turning the house’s sentient computer against its creator.
Producer: Russell Ackerman, John Schoenfelder

Am I supposed to know what TAU stands for? I don’t. I mean this is clearly a movie that would be bought. Who doesn’t love serial killer kidnappers and woman who are held hostage? It could be ok and, at the same time, it could join the long list of movies that have been made about the serial killer kidnapper/woman hostage thing that I have not seen nor will ever attempt to see. What kind of name is Noga?

Krysty, Cat, and Noga? I do not have an interesting enough first name to sell a movie script apparently.

ECHO by Chris MacBride (18 votes)
A CIA drone coordinator battles his own psychological health while trying to decipher whether his wife has been replaced.
Producer: 21 Laps

Meh. It’s got drones, so that’s topical, but I would totally roll my eyes if I saw a trailer with a voiceover saying “a CIA drone coordinator”. I would do a HEAVY eye roll on that one. And “drone” coordinators have nothing to do with a human being “replaced” by seemingly a robot. Stupid.

DODGE by Scott Wascha (17 votes)
A genre-bending action comedy about a pill popping thug who begins to develop superpowers.

“Limitless” meets “Hancock”? It’s way too broad of a description to really know what I’m getting into on this one. What’s a “thug” in this scenario? A black guy. A black guy like Chris Tucker from “Friday”. How are we still using the word “thug” to mean black people who dress like they’re really into rap culture from the early 90’s?

MOONFALL by David Weil (16 votes)
The investigation of a murder on a moon colony.
Producer: Ram Bergman

I like it. It could be really good and it’s simple. The name is stupid, but I can look past that.

I really liked the movie “Outland” with Sean Connery. It’s not the greatest movie by any stretch, but it holds a place in my heart. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082869/ It’s about a police marshal who is not a good guy when you meet him, but as the movie goes on he realizes that the crime and murder happening around him that he should be stopping – he needs to stop. AND it’s set in a small mining community in SPACE. Anyway, Moonfall could have that appeal for all I know. I’d like to think it does.

I mean I think it would be amazing if someone could basically remake Michael Mann’s “Manhunter” serial killer 1986 movie and set it in the future on another planet and keep all the 80’s-ness of it. It would be amazing.

BIRD BOX by Eric Heisserer (13 votes)
A woman tries to lead her children to safety after the world is invaded by monsters who turn you insane upon sight.
Producer: Universal, Chris Morgan

Meh. Sounds stupid. The title sounds stupid too. Also, it sounds like “The Happening”, which is the worst.

YELLOWSTONE FALLS by Daniel Kunka (13 votes)
After an apocalyptic event, a mother wolf is separated from her mate and the rest of the pack, and has to protect her cubs from swarms of mutated humans.

Uhhhhh… is this animated? If this was done Anime style I would watch it. Not sure about a CGI movie of this. Actually, I would watch this movie if humans were just in wolf costumes like shitty Halloween wolf costumes.

SYNDROME (E) by Mark Heyman (12 votes)
A detective solving the case of a disturbing film with subliminal images that is killing people who come in contact with it discovers a greater evil.

Kind of sounds like http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0113409/ “In the Mouth of Madness” with Sam Neil, which I was obsessed with the trailer of this when it came out in 1994. Sam Neil was huge from Jurassic Park and right afterward this horror/thriller/weirdo movie came out and I couldn’t get it out of my head. I still can remember the trailer really well as it has left quite an impact on this very odd brain I have. Also, “In the Mouth of Madness” is a much better title.

I probably wouldn’t see this movie SYNDROME (E) as it easily could be an “Oculus” or “White Noise” level of paint-by-numbers horror movie.

THE SHOWER by Jac Schaeffer (10 votes)
At a baby shower for their longtime friend, the attendees suddenly find themselves in the middle of a different type of shower: meteors that release a vapor turning men into blood-hungry aliens.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

A BABY SHOWER!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

So, what are we guessing this movie is? A bunch of chicks being chased around by “blood-hungry aliens” who were simply men just seconds earlier. Honestly, if this was a Tyler Perry style parable about women, men, and rape then I might see it. But this just sounds dumb.

CELERITAS by Kimberly Barrante (9 votes)

When a missing astronaut crash lands forty years after he launched having not aged a day, his elderly twin brother helps him escape the NASA scientists hunting him. As the government closes in, neither brother is who they claim to be.

I might see this. These are the best The Black List has to offer? Honestly, I’m not surprised I don’t really like any of them. I remember reading a few scripts off The Black List when I interned at Sony a decade ago and didn’t like what I read. One was more or less a ripoff of the movie John Cusack movie “Identity” where it all takes place in someone’s mind and in a motel or something. That was so stupid. Both Identity and the screenplay.

MORGAN by Seth W Owen (8 votes)
A corporate risk management consultant is summoned to a remote research lab to determine whether or not to terminate an at-risk artificial being.

I mean I did watch “Transcendence”, so I could see myself watching this. By the way, Transcendence is pretty terrible. Just like a lot of these ideas, if it was really CLEVER then I could see being into it, but I feel like there’s a better chance of it not being that clever. Like I’m picturing what I’ve seen in the trailers of “The Imitation Game” with Benedick and it being focused on this “at-risk artificial being” to figure out if it’s got a conscience or not. I kind of like that idea. I also am not thoroughly titillated by the whole idea at all.

SHADOW RUN by Joe Gazzam (8 votes)
A viral attack puts lives in danger, forcing a CIA agent to initiate a secret prisoner exchange of Russia’s most notorious spy for the American scientist who can create a cure.

Meh. Sounds like an action-scene-less version of Mission Impossible 2.

Also, I’m a big nerd. And to me “Shadow Run” is “Shadowrun” aka http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shadowrun. And I would much rather see a cyberpunk meets sci-fi horror meets murder mystery and so forth movie/TV show.

THE BRINGING by Brandon Murphey and Philip Murphey (8 votes)
A private investigator investigates a mysterious murder at a downtown Los Angeles hotel and uncovers its dark supernatural history. Based on true events.

Barf.

ERIN’S VOICE by Greg Sullivan (7 votes)
A deaf computer genius’ world is thrown into turmoil when he meets a troubled coffee shop waitress whose voice turns out to be the only thing he can miraculously hear.

Sci-fi rom-com?

Barf.

THE EDEN PROJECT by Christina Hodson (7 votes)
When a race of genetically modified humans living secretly among us declare war on Man, the fate of the world is in the hands of a rogue “Synthetic” named Eve and a young girl who is about to discover she’s not all human.

So, the X-Men? Maybe, the X-Men meets Divergent? I don’t know. Honestly, it seems like it would be directed at a target audience that if I as a 31 year old male conversed with in public I should rightfully be arrested by the nearest police officer.

A GARDEN AT THE END OF THE WORLD by Gary Graham (6 votes)
In a post-apocalyptic world, a recluse, trying to recreate trees to produce new life, takes in a young girl who is on the run from some bad men, including her father.

So, a stay-at-home version of The Book of Eli. I mean does this recluse have guns? That’s what made Book of Eli so good – guns and machetes. If the recluse just so happens to have Liam Neeson Taken-like fighting ability then I would watch it. Outside of that, probably not.

Also, maybe the dad is just like “hey old man Jonny Appleseed, stop trying to diddle my daughter!”

Whatevs.

Did I like any of the movie ideas? Moonfall and Situation Comedy. Maybe Aether or whatever the fuck Krysty wrote. BENEDICT’S ENGAGED NOW, KRYSTY! STOP TRYING TO RUIN HIS LIFE!

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