GUTEN TAG!!!

On the previous installment of Movies I saw from 2014, I talked about movies I saw from the year two thousand and fourteen. BOO-YAH! This installment of Movies I saw from 2014, I will AGAIN talk about movies I saw from 2014!!! OMG-izzle!!!! WOOOOO!!!

Last time, I did talk about the art of moon-ing or lack there of. As far as childhood things that have fallen from my life, splinters seemed like a daily occurrence growing up, the need to know American Indian trivia was a must in early elementary school, and the Titanic was oddly a big subject early on in elementary school as well for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Why on Earth would we need to know about the Titanic? It was as if my schooling was preparing me for the eventual James Cameron romantic epic.

Also, I did see earlier this week that THE WANTESS HERSELF!!!! was nominated for a Cesar award making her the first American actress to be nominated for a Cesar award in THIRTY YEARS. That’s fucking amazing, right?

Kristen got nominated as best supporting actress for her role in Clouds of Sils Maria or just Sils Maria if you’re like bros with the movie or whatever. I haven’t watched the movie, but I did skim through it and I think it looks like a solid outing by K-Stew. She’s got her over-sized hipster seeing glasses on, which she can pull off. AND, the porcelain vase of all that is want did show off her glamorous ass while wearing a thong… so that right there deserves some fucking award from some fucking country!

Honestly, in the past year, Kristen Stewart has amazingly transformed herself into a legit actress… and, at the same time, I have not seen any of the seemingly legit movies she’s been in – Camp X-Ray, Sils Maria, and Still Alice. I’m planning on watching all three at some point in my life, but I haven’t gotten to them yet.

This year or at least in the future, Kristen is in three movies – two are futuristic love stories I believe and one is a smaller movie about how a college reacts after a violent mugging of a teacher. They could all be good or they could all suck or 1 of 2 or 2 of 1 or that’s really it.

Anyway, I still think they need to put that chick – Kristen Stewart – into a comedy and have her play a character to how most people already view her — smokes weed, kind of crazy, kind of sad/serious, spastic, complicated love life with men and women — and let the cameras roll. Honestly, I think she would nail it.

So… should I talk about movies or what… LET’S DO IT!!

13. Godzilla

Good. It’s an interesting take on the Godzilla movie idea. It’s kind of like the movie “Twister” where you’re really hanging out the camera crew following these tornadoes and you’re learning about their emotional arcs and such. Now, picture Helen Hunt as Bryan Cranston or if it’s sexier to you picture Bryan Cranston as Helen Hunt. A person who is obsessed with this destructive force because they lose loved one(s) to it. The kid from “Kick Ass” is Bill Paxton pretty much, and Elizabeth Olsen is just eye-candy. The movie has some great CGI and really makes these radioactive monsters seem terrifying and awe-inspiring. I will say the movie’s end clash is pretty dark like literally tough to see what’s happening at points, but it’s pretty cool nonetheless.

14. X-Men: Days of Futures Past

I don’t know if humans of the world want to fuck Hugh Jackman as much as director Bryan Singer does, but that’s what half of this movie is. Seriously, are you all into Hugh Jackman? Like roided-up, striations on his plentitude of muscles on his 46 year old body? I don’t know if that’s a positive or a negative to you, but this movie was stupid. I dislike Bryan Singer as a director and I especially dislike these X-Men movies. Wolverine is boring. They’ve made Wolverine boring and a reluctant action star. He sucks. Wolverine is not good at fighting in any of these movies and instead gets his ass kicked and gets his ass kicked and just doesn’t die and at some point his claws just find themselves into a person who can die. And, the movie is much like Singer’s other movies where it kind of just ends with a bunch of talking and no real battle. Things happen, most of them don’t matter, it’s long, and it ends setting up a sequel of the exact same stakes that the movie started with.

15. Edge of Tomorrow

Great. See this movie! Out of all the summer action blockbusters, I found this the most enjoyable – BY FAR. By far. And, yes, I did see “Guardians of the Galaxy”. This was better. The “live, die, repeat” gimmick in this movie is well conceived with great pacing, fun additions each time, and is just fucking enjoyable. Cruise is great as a coward who becomes a hero, Emily Blunt is great as an anime-like ninja woman and, honestly, it never gets old seeing Blunt do the slow roll up from her upward facing dog yoga pose, and the action set-pieces look and feel great. Sure, the movie has an ending you could guess a mile away, but the ride is fun. The name is stupid, the trailers didn’t look good, but, honestly, if you like movies anywhere remotely like this movie then it’s worth the watch. Do you remember how disappointingly bad “Oblivion” was? It’s the anti-thesis.

16. 22 Jump Street

Fuck yes. FUCK! YES! This was easily the comedy of the year for me. I watched it on an airplane to London then I watched it again a week later on the return flight and I kind of just watched Danielle’s screen when she was watching it and I was listening to music, but I remembered the jokes, so I was laughing. I saw it THREE TIMES in a week and I laughed all three fucking times. I didn’t really like 21 Jump Street that much, but the satire/making fun of themselves in this sequel was absolutely perfect for me. I don’t hate to admit it after this year, but I’m a Channing Tatum fan. He’s made a fan! Dude has the talent to make movies for everyone. I’ll stick by saying as a movie Magic Mike was stupid and that’s the director’s fault… anyway… fucking loved 22 Jump Street and I cannot wait until it starts playing on HBO, so I can watch it all time.

17. Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

First, I liked it. It’s definitely enjoyable and fucking absurd and has really wild action scenes and is a solid movie. Second, I watched this on the same flight as the above and it was just after Danielle and I watched Noah and there are A LOT of similarities with these movies. And that’s not surprising if you’ve saw the first of these movies as they make Cesar – the main monkey – out to be this Moses/Jesus kind of character and I’m all for it. Honestly, I really like these movies. I think Rise should have sucked and it was really great. Dawn also had a huge chance of sucking with it being a sequel, with it being a CGI monkey movie, with the change in director… but it’s easily one of the best big budget action movies in awhile. I love that this movie was still pushing a pretty Biblical storyline too. Fuck yeah, I mean make this shit epic. As far as CGI movies and such, I am thoroughly BLOWN THE FUCK AWAY by these past two Planet of the Apes movies. Big fan and I’m not a big fan of the original Planet of the Apes or any of that. But these Andy Serkis CGI things are great.

18. Guardians of the Galaxy

I liked it, but not anywhere near as much as everyone else – apparently. I was talking to Danielle about this the other day, it was a better version of The Avengers. I didn’t like The Avengers, but GOTG was a more enjoyable and definitely a funnier version of that movie. Overall, I wasn’t blown away by the movie. I really wasn’t into almost any of the action scenes. I thought there was a ton of stereotypical garbage in the movie like Ronan not killing Drax and just throwing him in some goo and then later Ronan becoming all powerful to the point he can destroy planets, but then he just kind of pushes people around and doesn’t just blow everything up and… I don’t know… none of the action scenes were interesting to me. I liked Groot like everyone else and Rocket had some good lines, but, in general, I wasn’t blown away by it like others apparently were. It was fine. I’ll see the sequel, but I’m not biting my fingernails in anticipation.

19. The Expendables 3

Terrible. Obviously. For the life of me, I cannot imagine any person making the movie is there trying to make the best movie they can and instead are talking about the movie like accountants… “Well, we can get this X location for Y amount of money for 3 days and shoot Z amount of scenes, so figure out Z scenes at X location and keep in the Y’s budget.” In my head, that’s exactly how these Expendables’ movies are made, I know I’m right about that, and that’s exactly how accountants talk. Do you want to know how bad this movie is, there was a point where I thought they were on an airplane and I’m like 100% positive they were on an airplane and it turned out they were in a truck. All these movies are bad. They are clearly constructed around bringing each actor only in for like 3 days at a time and it’s just shit. It’s not that these movies couldn’t be good, they totally could be, but they’re not and they’re just fucking awful. There is a sequence where they rule out flying to the enemies’ compound because it wouldn’t be stealth and then they spend a few days walking through the woods to only come upon the compound in the middle of the day with a shining sun out and the compound is in the middle of nowhere in this clearing and it’s just one building, so there’s no fucking way they can be stealthy as they just walk right up to the building in the fucking daylight. Why? BECAUSE IT’S CHEAPER TO FILM DURING THE DAY AND TO HAVE THEM JUST WALK UP TO A BUILDING IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE THAN TO PLAN A NIGHT TIME STEALTH SEQUENCE OR THE PLANE DROP OR ANY OF THAT!!! UGH!!! Fuck this movie.

20. Nightcrawler

Pretty great. Jake Gyllenhall is really amazing in the movie and it’s a fun dark thriller movie where your protagonist is the bad guy, essentially. I enjoyed the movie and it’s a first time director, which shows a ton of promise… but… there is most definitely a problem with the score. The music in the movie is fucking atrocious. They must’ve spent all their money on car chases and such and shutting down streets in Los Angeles because the music in the movie is fucking awful. It really detracted from your experience of the movie. I think it’s pretty clear watching the movie that Dan Gilroy was inspired by Michael Mann and that’s cool and all, but that made it almost worse because Michael Mann usually does a great job with his score. Outside of that, I liked the movie a lot. It’s got some pacing problems as most movies do, but some of that may be attributed to the score as well as the music did not help carry me from scene to scene at all. Anyway, I think Jake G. is a great actor and I think this is another under appreciated movie of his that hopefully people will realize is a solid flick down the road.

21. Gone Girl

Fucking nailed it. I didn’t read the book and in total honesty I don’t give a flying fuck about the book. Whatever they were trying to do in this movie, they got it. David Fincher took a previous book I didn’t give a shit about in Girl with a Dragon Tattoo and turned it into a watchable movie, but it certainly had its problems that came from the book and were not fixed in the movie. While this book/movie is more or less an extended episode of Law & Order: SVU — it fucking nailed the fuck out of that and even better – it had a supporting cast the nailed what they had to do. I really feel like this movie didn’t get in its own way and just kind of strolled through the world for your entertainment. I didn’t and don’t want to examine the story that much because I think it’s flimsy like a typical Law & Order: SVU as mentioned. I think everyone was good in the movie though. Rosamund Pike is fucking sexy, is fucking powerful, is fucking larger than life in this movie. Loved her in the movie. As far as sheer entertainment, this was hands down one of the most entertaining movies of the year. I felt like Fincher learned a lot making GWADT and he showed that in this and, more importantly, had fun with it. It was nice to see Fincher show off his wit in the movie. The guy can direct intense and scary and thrilling, but he can do comedy too.

22. John Wick

Meh. None of it makes any sense. It’s a 1000x more complicated than it should have been or needed to be. It’s 100% a demo reel of possibilities than a real movie. It’s also a first time directing job by two former stunt guys, so it’s a billion times better than it should be, but it suffers from so many typical action movie mistakes. Is it that action directors are only watching bad action movies or is it that they just don’t want to make good action movies? I don’t get it. Most actions movies that suck have such obvious problems and those problems are man made. Like having an action sequence where the viewer can’t see shit – whether it’s a shaky camera or the camera is in too close or the scene is set at night and everything is dark including the actors and you just can’t see shit. I can’t tell you how many action movies have been made in the past 20 years where you just can’t see the shit that’s happening and it’s fucking mind boggling that these directors are cool with that. I don’t know. Anyway, the movie is whatever. They could have just made Keanu a retired hitman who owns a dog and the bad guys shoot him and shoot the dog and leave them for dead, but Keanu doesn’t die and he comes back and kills them. First off, that’s enough right there. Instead they muck around and they also call the movie John Wick, which is terrible and almost all of the action sequences are just like “well, this is happening, now”. Could’ve been better by a long shot.

23. Interstellar

Best movie of the year. Without question.

Christopher Nolan is one of the very best directors working or in general. The dude is making his mark on the film industry and I’m fucking loving it and I think the Academy Awards are a bunch of dumb fucks not recognizing it. Interstellar was absolutely as gigantic and awe-inspiring as it needed to be and Nolan fucking nailed it. The score is motherfucking outrageous! Hans Zimmer is a fucking musical genius, actual musical genius. It was so loud in the Imax theater we were in and I was loving this movie to the point that when they bend around the blackhole I was hoping the music would get so loud that I would go fucking deaf. Nolan pays homage to just about every space/sci-fi trope/movie you can think of and nails all of them especially/including 2001: A Space Odyssey, which is insane that anyone could do what Kubrick did in anyway as well as Kubrick did and I think Nolan did it and made it somehow more palatable. I loved it. It’s big and long and just epic as it should have been and I think everyone in the movie nails their roles. Fuck anyone who says otherwise.

24. The Drop

One of my favorite movies this year. I’m going to do a spoiler on this movie in that that cute as fucking hell pitbull puppy doesn’t die in the movie. I’m not going to ruin anything else, but I think a lot of people will avoid seeing this movie because they’re worried as fuck that something bad is going to happen to that dog. This isn’t John Wick. The dog is fine! GO SEE THIS MOVIE. It’s fucking good, real good. Tom Hardy et al are great in this slow-burn psycho movie. It’s a small gangster film with real grit to it and I was 100x more into it than any space robot alien explosion scene from Guardians of the Galaxy. I liked it a whole lot and people should be seeing it.

25. Foxcatcher

It was good. I’m not going to say it wasn’t good. It’s horribly in accurate, but whatever, right? I am not a fan of these “based on a true story” movies, especially when I know any of the “true story”. Seriously, the director – all of them – want to make a movie with a specific story and then they go out and find the “true story” to flesh out their movie and they stamp on “based on”. It’s basically like if you wanted to paint a battleship, you go out and paint your battleship, then you do some research and find a battleship that looks like your battleship, it’s not exactly like your battleship because your battleship is just from your head, nevertheless you write on the battleship in your picture then name of the battleship from your research. Most people would go, great job. People who know that particular battleship would go, well, you’ve got some things wrong here and here and it’s similar to that battleship in some respect, but it’s not really that battleship – it’s a good looking ship, but it’s not the Alabama or whatever. You know? Battleships, right? Fuck yeah. Hmmm… what was I talking about?

Channing Tatum is great in the movie. He should’ve been nominated. Mark Ruffalo is good, but Tatum does a lot more in the movie. Steve Carell is great in the movie. The movie looks great, it feels great. It’s long and drags and flaws like a movie. It kind of just ends when it ends. And, it does tell you a portion of truth that John Du Pont shot and killed US gold medal winning wrestler Dave Schultz who did wrestle at Du Pont’s wrestling ranch where Dave’s fellow gold medal winning wrestler brother Mark Schultz also wrestled for a time. Outside of that, a lot of the stuff in the movie is made up and the movie does not follow the correct time frame in the least bit, but I guess whatever. It’s a fine movie that was good. Not like best movie of the year or anything, but it was good.

I did see a couple other movies since I wrote down the movies I saw in chronological order and I was hoping I would have seen more, but I haven’t, so either way…

26. Birdman

I really enjoyed it. I too felt unfulfilled by the ending. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to take away from the epilogue, but I do feel like the epilogue took the wind of the sails of the rest of the movie and then it just kind of ended. I’m not sure how I would’ve ended it necessarily, but it’s got some major similarities to Taxi Driver’s ending and I’m not in love at all with that movie’s end. Anyway…

Everyone kills it in Birdman. Keaton, Watts, Norton, Stone, Ryan, and, definitely, Galifianakis. They all are great in the movie. The movie itself is beautiful with its wildness and its camera work and its editing and its manic feel and everything. I thoroughly enjoyed watching this movie from the opening credits until like 60 seconds before the movie ended. I love the director Alejandro Inarritu and I love everything he’s made and this is another piece of wonderful art by the man. It’s funny, quirky, intense, weird, wild, and great. I just didn’t like the last fucking 60 seconds and that does bum me the fuck out.

27. Frank

Fucking loved this too. A weird quirky musical comedy with Michael Fassbender in a paper mache head leading an indie rock band. I enjoyed this movie thoroughly. Some of my favorite Maggie Gyllenhall work was in this movie, good shit from Scoot McNairy who I enjoy thoroughly, Domhnail was as good as his name is unpronounceable to me, the casting of Autolux’s drummer as the drummer in the movie, the French guitar player was great… and Michael Fassbender can do everything. Dude is easily one of the best actors out there and I really enjoyed watching him do a physical comedy that ended with what I thought was a fucking excellent emotional musical ending. I loved the ending, I thought the music was great in the movie, and I just dug it. Great shit. Great shit, indeed.

Off the top of my head… these are the movies I still “need” to see in my weird opinion…

Camp X-Ray/Clouds of Sils Maris/Still Alice

Boyhood

Veronica Mars

The Purge: Anarchy

The One I Love

Top Five

The Imitation Game

Inherent Vice

American Sniper

Selma

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay part 1

The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

Yes, you did see The Purge sequel. I’m not saying it’s at the top of my list or anything, but I’ll end up watching that movie just as I watched the first one. The first one is not particularly good, but it could have been worse.

So, there’s that.

I love you.

Hello all!

Honestly, I don’t know what’s the shadiest of the shady fucking things going on in this world. You decide…

1. KFC Hot Dog

2. Sarah Palin’s Iowa Freedom Summit speech

3. The Republican Iowa Freedom Summit, in general

4. Apparently, me skipping a recap of episode 2 – SORRY!!!!

5. #DeflateGate being pinned on some minimum wage employee stealing a dozen or so game balls and deflating them in the bathroom during halftime and then putting them back where the game balls should be without anyone noticing nor prompting him to do it in the least bit because none of that makes a God damn lick of sense

6. Chris choosing to keep Britt, Ashley I., and Samantha

Seriously!?!?!?! Samantha!?!?

WHO IS SAMANTHA?!?!?!

Let’s get really real, up until last night’s episode, did you even know there was a chick on the show named Samantha and/or Jade?

SERIOUSLY!!! Where did they come from? Did Chris even notice that they’re just bringing in new white chicks to the house who totally weren’t there before? Honestly, how could he notice? There’s just this wallpaper of white women faces in there and they’ve got him sucking down Fireball whiskey and he admits his brain is slow and these white women are almost always in bikinis when he sees them, so he’s just staring at the good parts.

On top of that, Chris has spoken maybe a dozen words this season and has listened to a girl speak maybe 2 dozen in return that haven’t been either a sob story about their whole family dying moments prior to the show’s open casting call or the pre/post amble to any makeout session they’ve just had.

I doubt Chris could pick any of these girls out of a line-up or distinguish them from each other with a word bank of trivia about each girl, but at this point he damn sure can differentiate them by the taste of their molars. Get IT! HE’S SPENT SO MUCH TIME SHOVING HIS TONGUE DOWN THEIR THROAT!!!! BESOS!! KISSES!!

Back to the matter at hand…

SUH-MAN-TA!! HEY YO!! WHO’S DA’ BOSS, SUH-MAN-TA!?! 

We as the viewers have totally not heard her speak and I have no idea if she’s even done anything even remotely memorable in the background of a 36 person group date.

Reading her ABC profile, I feel like I know nothing more about this entirely bland woman. The most interesting thing she said is that she considers herself both a “country person and a city person” and then goes on to say she lived in New York and LA and mentions that she lived near the country, but doesn’t say where AND her hometown is LA. So, I’m just going to say she’s a flat-out LIAR and she’s from Los Angeles and she’s a wannabe actress like the rest of these people.

But I digress, I think I’m just mad because Chris kicked off Ashley S., Nikki, and Jillian.

First thing first, Ashley S. was about the closest thing to real entertainment on this stupid fucking show. The rest of the girls on the show range from completely timid to a fault to completely insufferable emotional basket-cases. She brought some genuine levity to the show with crazy eyes, her coo-coo talk, and overall coming across like an actually interesting person to try and figure out as opposed to the blithering, crying, virgin, possible Kardashian clan stalker Ashley I.

Are you fucking telling me that you aren’t BEYOND curious what a 1 on 1 date with Ashley S. was going to be like? Or better yet!!!! ASHLEY S.’s HOMETOWN! Oh my fucking God, I would legitimately pay money to watch that looney blonde take a camera crew around “her” Brooklyn. HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! Endless possibilities!

As for Nikki, she had maybe 5 seconds of airtime and it was her boobs falling out of a wedding dress they needlessly put her and several other chicks into this episode to run through the mud. I don’t know if we ever saw her talk or do anything on the show prior to that, but all of a sudden Nikki was there and there was a giant window to show of inner-side boobs.

Nikki was certainly attractive and more so attractive like how a woman is attractive instead of how Ashley I. or Britt or Mackenzie parade around as sexy-baby Bratz Dolls. Can you tell that I don’t like Ashley I.?

As for Jillian, she did seem pretty annoying on the 1 on 1 date and I wasn’t a fan of her constantly flexing her biceps, but Chris came off like an asshole even if he was being honest when he kicked her off the show in the middle of their “romantic” 1 on 1 date because he couldn’t imagine her in the least bit as his wife. That’s thoroughly true that they’re not a good match, but Chris is a fucking personality-less overbite in a suit and for him to pretend that he’s at all being charming or at all creating an inviting atmosphere for these chicks or at all saying or doing anything that is attractive back toward these random ass broads then he’s fucking lying to himself.

Either way, yeah, muscles had to go because if the main contribution to the table is how big your biceps are – man or woman – you’ve got to go.

Besides those three un-marry-ables, Chris also gave the boot to Juelia who was doomed from the start as seemingly her only reason to be on the show was to tell Chris her child’s father killed himself. There are a litany of chicks on this show who has experienced a terrible loss and then IMMEDIATELY joined this TV show. It’s fucked up and they shouldn’t have.

“Hey Chris, can we have some alone time away from this group date of you watching 8 chicks in bikinis horse around in a pool while you drink beers and laugh? Yes, that’s great! Because I just wanted to tell you about the recent death of my father/grandfather/boyfriend/husband/entire-extended-family and then I’m going to pretend that this awkward confession on TV went well and you’re going to totally want to make out with me just as much as the others. Yay!”

Also, Juelia made a claim that being a single mother is the hardest thing to do in the world. I’m not arguing for or against that, but I will criticize that the person who is saying that simply dropped off her kid to be watched for upwards of 6+ weeks, so she could fart around on a dating TV show. Not saying she’s wrong, just saying she’s a terrible messenger for that cause.

What else happened on the show?

VIRGINS!!! THEY’RE MULTIPLYING!!!

If you didn’t know from the SIX THOUSAND TIMES Ashley I. mentioned it this week and last week, that thoroughly uninteresting bag of jealous tears is a 26 year old virgin. Ashley I. talked endlessly about it and cried about it and all the while acted not virginly in the least bit as she wore less clothes than any other girl on the show and snuck into Chris’ tent on the group date to dry hump him and furiously make out with him.

Back to the point, Ashley I. is a virgin and she’s telling everyone on the show with the same dramatic seriousness as Pedro illuminated to the cast of 1994’s Real World: San Francisco that he had AIDS.

Do you know what’s not interesting? Ashley I. being a virgin. It’s kind of weird. Unless she was really religious. Her keeping her virginity and yet talking about it incessantly is very weird. It’s also to the point in my opinion that if a person who could easily have had sex or have had a relationship hasn’t then they’re simply refusing to almost out of spite or because they think they’re too good for what’s been possible. Like if I said I wouldn’t ever try lobster until I’m eating it at the top of the world’s tallest building. You could totally eat lobster where ever and you could totally get good lobster if not great lobster where ever, but if Ashley I. is waiting for a “River Runs Through It” Brad Pitt to take her virginity then that’s on her and she’s a fucking sociopath.

Besides that, Ashley I. is not the only 20+ year old virgin… we’ve got Becca!

FOR THE LIFE OF ME, I cannot remember Becca’s face. Every time they show Becca on TV my brain does not compute who she is and then Disney puts up the prompt that she’s Becca and I’m like right there’s a fucking “Becca” on the show and I can’t remember her.

Well, she’s a virgin. And she hasn’t talked or cried about that fact incessantly for three episodes, so I guess it’s possible and that makes me hate Ashley I. even more.

I don’t really know about Becca, but the virginity thing just adds to how childlike or more so annoying middle schooler Ashley I. appears to be at all times. UGH!!! And then Ashley I. wouldn’t shut up about wanting to be a princess and then dressed up like she was going to prom only to sit in Chris’ house while he wasn’t there as she ate corn on the cob and drank white wine. She’s a fucking psycho.

Ashley I. should book a oneway ticket to Saudi Arabia and give it all she has to be one of 50 wives of some oil tycoon prince and get off my TV screen forever.

Was there any bright spots this episode?

JADE!!

Jade was a huge bright spot.

And by Jade’s huge bright spot, I mean…

THERE’S A JADE ON THE SHOW AND SHE HAS BIG BOOBS!!!

Did you know that? I didn’t! And I’ve been watching this fucking show!

Chris’ three sisters show up to the house and interview the 5 or so girls who were not chosen to go on a shitty camp date where they stripped down to their bikinis and played in some random ass lake and had to set up their own tents.

The sisters talked to Whitney the fertility chick who looks like Angela from the Office and sounds like a Powderpuff Girl, Britt the possible Hollywood escort, Carly who probably makes the most sense for Chris (from Texas and is all top teeth smiles as well) but she’s kind of disappearing into the background at the moment and I can’t remember if she’s the one with grand-daddy issues or not, and maybe a few others I can’t remember.

Either way, the sisters chose Jade who I did not know was a human being on the show until she was chosen and she went on this cross-promotion Disney date all designed to push the new Cinderella movie.

What we learned from the date was that there is a Jade, she’s got a healthy set of boobs on her, and she seemed thoroughly low key as well as not batshit crazy… aka Jade may be the fucking frontrunner for the show.

Outside of that…

Kelsey came across has phenomenally sane for pointing out how shitty that lake group date was as well as how shitty the whole experience has been as far as trying to fall in love with Chris… but she’s also phenomenally insane because she did sign up for this bullshit and she’s still there thinking that she’s going to fall in love with a guy who is making out nutty virgins in front of her. So, two steps forward, one step back for Kelsey.

Lastly…

BRITT QUESTIONED CHRIS!!! 

How dare that trollop question the Almighty Chris!?!?!?! What gall that clown make-up wearing tart has to even raise a single query to the infallible Farmer Chris!?!?!

Basically, Britt was like, “Remember how we made out first? Well, I see you making out with all these other girls and you’re not only making out with me and I don’t feel special anymore. What up wit dat?”

And then Chris proceeded to stutter and uhhhh his way through 6 seconds of awkward air time up there with Sarah Palin’s speech in Iowa over the weekend and that’s when Chris just got out of the situation and then later came into the room of ladies EXACTLY AS JUAN PABLO DID and say to them, “if you question me then you can leave” more or less. Brilliant! He’s such a fucking charmer, right? He’s so fucking romantic and wonderful with him making out with whomever allows him to and then he can’t put two words together without his brain imploding and then if he’s questioned about anything he flips out and tells you you have the right to remove yourself because he’s clearly not a person who can deal with confrontations in the least bit.

In the premiere, Chris tried to get the show to remove a chick, so he wouldn’t have to. And now, he’s trying to get the women to remove themselves, so he doesn’t have to. Seems like a real stand-up and swell guy.

He ended up keeping Britt and I don’t like Britt, but that was one of the most honest parts of the show right there showing what a dimwit Chris is.

Britt said to Chris that she heard girls were taking their clothes off at the lake and Kaitlyn was one of them. And then Chris gave the rose to Kaitlyn. Britt asks what did Kaitlyn do at the lake that made her deserve the rose? Because it seemed like to Britt she got it for taking her clothes off. And Chris had ZERO fucking answers or complete sentences to respond to that question.

Britt may or may not admit it, but she got the first rose because of similar tactics. She gave Chris a huge hug the first time they saw each other at the premiere and let it linger forever. Then the next time they saw each other they hugged some more and she said she thought they were going to make out. Then later in the same premiere episode she got the first rose and made out with Chris. I think Britt knows what type of behavior gets roses.

Yeah…

We got an average amount of snow from an average snow storm. I’m not complaining.

Danielle’s office closed for Monday and Tuesday, so I sat on the couch drinking Modello Especials while watching Steve Harvey’s Family Feud and enjoyed myself. Thanks Juno!

HELLOOOOOOO!!!

Yes, let’s just get the fuck into it.

GUYS…

DO NOT!!!

WANT…

VIRGINS!!!

If you missed last night’s episode of, arguably, the most sexist show on television THE BACHELOR then you’re probably for the better because of that, but you would have missed a 21 year old woman-child who has a one year old kid of her own declare that guys want virgins.

You read that correctly. I mean, unless you didn’t. Maybe you’re not good at reading and you read that as hippos eat robot fizz – I cannot say for sure. Nevertheless, what I did write was that this chick thinks/believes/thinks-she-knows that GUYS are all hot and bothered with the idea of taking a girl or multiple girls virginities… and that… is…

FUCKING CREEPY!!!!!!!!

AND!

WRONG!!!

Seriously, who is a “guy” to her?

I’m speaking of Mackenzie. Mackenzie is a 21 year old, mother to a one year old, dental assistant from the state of Washington, and she’s fucking crazy in the brain-zy.

There are two types of guys who I can picture liking virgins and they’re pretty similar…

1. OVERLY RELIGIOUS

and…

2. FUCKING CREEPS

I’m not saying one has to be the other, but they’re not mutually exclusive and there is a lot of crossover in the two categories.

If you are a person who is so into religion that you have abstained from sex until marriage and you are a virgin yourself then you’re probably looking for a virgin yourself considering. And from my point of view, you’re kind of creep for all of that, but I’ll give some of them the benefit of the doubt and they’re just wildly naive and they’re ok.

Outside of that, anyone else who wants to de-virginize a woman is a fucking sociopath.

I am a MAN aka a GUY and the idea of trying to find a virgin and then wanting to de-virginize them sounds to me more or less like how a date-rapist thinks. It sounds like a sexual predator. A guy who gets off on taking a girl’s virginity sounds like a straight-up rapist. It’s fucking creepy and fucking crazy and actually makes my de-virginizer want to crawl up inside my own body because of how anti-sexy the whole idea is.

Not only that, but talking about a girl losing her virginity in anyway, but a comical way is also fucking creepy, child-molesty, rape-y type of shit. It’s kind of weird regardless, but some people have “funny” virginity losing stories. Anyway…

Guys don’t want a virgin.

I blame religion for distorting Mackenzie’s brain and by religion I also mean TWILIGHT. Or books of that ilk because that is written by a crazed religion brain person trying to not-so-thinly veil her religious thoughts into another religion, which is young adult romance novels.

Comedian Tom Rhodes has been doing a stand-up joke since as long as I can remember about that idea in Islam when you die or when you martyr yourself or whatever that you go to heaven and you get 72 virgins… and that Mr. Rhodes doesn’t want 72 “virgins”, but more or less 72 straight-up whores who know a lot about having good sex.

That’s the thing, folks… sex is best when your partner knows what in the fuck they’re doing!

It’s a pretty fucking great time when you’re having sex with someone who knows how to make you feel good like really knows how well to do it like should be given a gold medal on how good they are at making you feel good. Also, a good time is when that person also knows how to make themselves feel good by using you. You know? Unless you’re a sociopath as mentioned, you should want to get off and you should want your sexual partner to get off as well.

Fucking, in my opinion, from a guy’s point of view should not be sexy because you’re the first to get up in them guts. That’s fucking creepy.

Busting a hymen? That’s fucking creepy. It’s fucking creepy! That is giving me douche chills thinking about how creepy that is.

I know the hymen could be long gone by the time a girl loses her virginity, but it’s still creepy to be into de-virginizing virgins.

Obviously, it happens. Guys having sex with virgins, but if that’s what a dude “wants” then that dude is a fucking creep.

Just saying…

What else happened on last night’s episode?

Well, we found out that New Jersey native Ashley I. is a virgin! WOOOOOOO!!!

It’s her decision to be a virgin at 26 years old and that’s cool and I guess she’ll one day decide to lose her virginity to some guy and that guy could be a cool guy who simply wants to have sex with Ashley I. because he thinks she’s nice and pretty and he likes Italian girls and they both want to travel Italy and they both love the Giants and they both thought Crystal Clear Pepsi was underrated and they both hate U2 and they both listened to “Serial” and think Adnan and Jay did it together and all of that adds up to this guy wanting to put his jank in her stank and that’s romantic in my book.

BUT! If that same dude is like, “You’re a virgin? That’s great because I love fucking virgins!” then that guy has probably committed 15 sex crimes in his life. See the difference?

Back to the episode, Ashley I. is not a virgin – at least anymore – when it comes to tongue fucking because Ashley I. was one of 6 or 7 girls that made out with dear ole’ Chris at some point in last night’s episode.

I’ve become not a fan of Chris.

I wasn’t in love with Chris last season, but I did like a couple of things he said or did. As mentioned in last week’s episode/season premiere, one major reason I didn’t like Chris is that he’s more or less looking for a maid to have kids with who is cool with living in the house he already has in Iowa. In that way, he’s a pretty standard misogynist and outside of having a charming overbite and squinty eyes – I don’t really get his appeal.

Anyway, I think Chris came off really bad in this episode as he said absolutely nothing to these girls, 100% focused on their looks, and made out with half of them. But at the same time, I guess that’s exactly what this show is about and maybe I just haven’t gotten fully comfortable with that.

I don’t know what I’m expecting or why I should be expecting anything, but Chris’ first group “date” was having the girls wear bikinis, take them away for one-on-one time to make out with them, make the girls walk through Los Angeles in just their bikinis, ride tractors in just their bikinis, and ditch most of them to go make out with the weirdo 21 year old who he knew nothing about then found out she was a weirdo when she started talking about aliens and then she told him she was a mom – how did he not know that already? – then he stuck his tongue down her throat.

Everyone hated Juan Pablo because all he did was kiss the chicks and that’s all Chris is doing if not more so, so I hope people are hating Chris… and if they’re not then they should have to answer to that.

Also, maybe it’s just me, but the girls this season seem dumber than on Juan Pablo’s season. I have only seen that season, but these chicks seem fucking stupid. Like actually not smart. And, apparently, half of them are in mourning.

That’s what we keep finding out about these chicks this season – SOMEONE JUST DIED IN THEIR LIFE!

It feels like any time one of these chicks has a moment with Chris or really with each other they go into a story that someone in their life just up and died and joining the Bachelor is how they’re handling their grief. It’s fucking weird. Like wanting to fuck virgins weird.

Outside of that, I don’t remember too much happening minus Ashley S. acting exactly as crazy as she did in the season premiere, but this time it was on a group date. Although, there is something going on with her insanity because in the season premiere she kept saying she was seeing “onions”, big ones and then the next thing you know – she picked a pomegranate off a tree, which do look like big ass onions. In this episode, Ashley S. was acting like a loon and then was shown crawling around on the ground, so you think she’s fucking cray cray, but the camera pans over and there’s a fucking cat chilling there and she’s trying to catch it. So maybe she’s just too observant that it has removed her verbal skills. She’s only a couple more quirks away from talking like Jodie Foster in “Nell”, but you have to give her credit – she’s found pomegranates and a cat … what have these other bitches done?

Oh yeah, the second group date was this bullshit paintball zombie hunting thing. They drove a limo of the girls to some off the reservation, broken down factory looking industrial site in the middle of the night, and then they started having someone run around the limo and then smack on the windows to scare the shit out of them because the idea of being kidnapped, raped, and murdered is hilarious and a great way to start off a date, Disney.

Then they gave the chicks paintball guns and had them shoot at minimum wage workers dressed as zombies, but I didn’t notice any paintballs actually being fired, so I think they just had the girls run around some dark, dingy place and scream for an hour while carrying a suped up laser sight. Great date. Fuck this show.

Chris ended up kicking off Tara who was a drunk mess last week and was a crying mess this week and then she gave a tearful goodbye speech to the camera, which sounded exactly like a suicide note. Hopefully, Tara is ok. The other Jersey chick Alissa got the boot and I think the most she said to Chris was goodbye when he kicked her off. My sleeper pick of Jordan was apparently a terrible one because she turned out to be a wine-o and she got kicked off. They showed almost nothing of her in the first episode and then in the second episode we found out that she spent every second she was on the Bachelor just drinking. She had no dates or group dates with Chris either, so there’s that. And lastly, Chris kicked off Kimberly for the SECOND TIME!

I got caught up in the virgin stuff that I forgot to mention that crazy Kimberly the yoga instructor who was kicked off in the first episode and was shown walking back into the house at the end of the episode as the cliffhanger, she got brought back onto the show. Kimberly confronts Chris and he lets her back on the show. Why? Because he’s a coward. Seriously.

Chris gives Kimberly her way and then doesn’t spend a second of time with her and then kicks her off… AGAIN!

Chris hates Kimberly! HATES HER! He kicked her off TWICE without getting to know her in the least bit either time. It’s actually amazing. She’s 28, supposedly graduated from college, is a yoga instructor, and is from Long Island. AND CHRIS FUCKING HATES HER GUTS. Too funny.

In Kimberly’s bio, her three favorite movies are “Shawshank Redemption”, “Another Earth”, and “Stepmom”. Can’t argue with the first, I give her props for the second, and I’m baffled by the third, but – either way – she’s GONE-ZO because CHRIS CAN’T STAND THE FUCKING SIGHT OF HER!!

TWICE! KICKED HER OFF TWICE IN TWO EPISODES!!! AHHHH!!! HE HATES HER!!!

Anyway… Chris sucks.

HELLO!!!!

I hope you had a wonderful Christmas. I hope you had a sextastic Hanukkah. I hope your New Years gets a bit too crazy. Like taking your pants off and pressing your butt cheeks against a window for a stranger to see.

Remember that?! When’s the last time you “moon-ed” someone? Further more, have you ever moon-ed someone?!

Do millenials moon people anymore? Or do they just send pictures of their vaginas via snapchat? I mean like driving down the highway and showing another person your butt? Is that happening anymore?

If you watched TV or movies from the 90’s and before, one would have thought our country had an absolute plague of us showing strangers our butts. Genuinely, I thought mooning would be more of a part of my life than it ever has been. I do not believe I’ve ever intentionally moon-ed someone. I’ve totally accidentally moon-ed someone because my ass has a tendency of falling out of my pants when I bend over, but I haven’t tried to moon someone before.

Flip-side, I can only think of maybe two or three times in my life at best in my 31 and a half years where I’ve seen a mooning take place. Which leads me to believe, movies and television programs are liars.

That’s about as good of a sequitur as I’m going to get into the topic of movies…

Today, I am going to start talking about the movies I have seen that came out this year. I’m talking about like I’ve seen at least 60% of them. Almost all of the ones on this list I saw 100% of them, but there are a couple that I saw most of them and I’ll review that most of what I saw.

Also, I will eventually go on to mention the movies I haven’t seen this year that I do want to see or know for a fact that I will see at some point.

This list is in chronological order as far as when they came out, not when I saw them. Just saying that because the first movie on this list is atrocious and I did not see it in theaters and I did not want you to even assume that I did. I saw like 70% of it on HBO and it was awful, and I really should just get to the reviews, right?!?!?!?! BUTTS!!!

1. The Legend of Hercules

SUCKED! Good lord was this movie awful. Kellan Lutz is a terrible actor, but, more so, Renny Harlin is a terrible director. Some may say “who the fuck is Renny Harlin?” and others may say “wait, didn’t he direct ‘Long Kiss Goodnight’, ‘Cliffhanger’, and ‘Die Hard 2’?” And my response is that LKG is fucking crazy overrated garbage. Cliffhanger is a gem and I love it, but even a broken clock is right twice a day. And Die Hard 2 is certainly watchable, but is not a ‘good’ movie, especially in comparison to let’s say “Die Hard”, which is arguably the greatest movie ever made. So, fuck Renny and those movies came out TWO DECADES AGO! This Hercules movie is filled with action scenes done in terrible 300 style slow-mo and have absolutely no sense to them as Hercules is not that strong in them and he also seems to be thoroughly unfocused with no clear plan thoroughout the movie. Also, every chick in this movie simply weeps and weeps if she’s on screen for more than one minute.

2. Obvious Child

Easily, one of the best movies of the year. Jenny Slate is fucking great in this movie and should get nominated for everything. I loved this movie. I thought it was funny, heart-warming, complex, thoughtful, dark, and honest. AND I’m saying that as a person who is pro-choice. If you’re pro-life then this movie may blow up your house the moment you hit play on it. The fact that Jenny’s character does not get talked out of doing this abortion by Jesus and/or doesn’t die from Satan fucking her skull in after having the abortion has got to make pro-lifers FURIOUS. Outside of that, I thought it was movie that showed a lot of feelings and was funny too.

3. Ride Along

Kevin Hart is fucking funny. Kevin Hart has 15 million followers on Twitter and he deserves every single one of those motherfuckers. Ice Cube has blossomed into a solid comedic actor, which is outright hilarious. Not even just a comedic actor, but generally a family-friendly one. Does anyone remember when Tipper Gore and Hillary Clinton wanted Ice Cube strung up by his neck in front of the White House? Hahahah, how times have changed?! Anyway, this movie is more adult that the usual Ice Cube movie fair and it’s definitely a fun watch. If you want a laugh at a silly movie then OnDemand or Netflix this. I’ve watched it twice.

4. The Raid 2

Good God! These movies do not need to be 2.5 hours long. It’s simply too much. The Raid 1 was perfect. It was a lean and mean 90 minutes of non-stop action and it just ends when it’s over. The Raid 2 is epic and at times that makes it feel like a chore to watch. It feels like the movie that they made in the way they made it in a bad way. Originally, the storyline for Raid 2 was going to be the first The Raid, but they didn’t have the money and so forth to make a movie that sprawled throughout a city with multiple sets. So, they made what became The Raid 1, which had one location and cost less to make. After the success of The Raid 1, they had the money to make what they originally set out to make plus they could add shit to it. And that’s what it feels like. It feels like two movies or maybe 1.5 movies sandwiched together for one long action experience that feels jumbled and does feel too long. The action scenes are fucking incredible, but it just feels like they were lumping scenes on scenes without cutting it down to make it make sense. Gareth Evans, the director, has a bright future and so do these Indonesian action guys in the movie, but someone needs to help them make a linear movie.

5. The Lego Movie

Honestly, I didn’t like this the first time I sat down and watched it. I turned it off in fact. It was late and I was tired, but the opening “Everything is Awesome” song gave me a headache more than it made me laugh. About 6 months later, I caught the last 30 minutes of the movie on HBO pretty much after the “reveal” of the kid and Will Ferrell and I liked all of that. So, I watched the movie and I stick by both of those opinions. I like the movie the more it goes on and, especially, when it gets to the last portion of the movie where you start to see the real worldness to the movie. I bet kids would like the movie through and through, but I found some of it to be too kiddy for me at times in the first 30 minutes or so of the movie. I would highly recommend seeing it regardless. It’s certainly well-made and I think Phil Lord and Christopher Miller are clearly crazy talented directors, which I’ll get to later with “22 Jump Street”. Those two guys had a huge year and it’s no surprise.

6. The Grand Budapest Hotel

You either like Wes Anderson or you don’t and if you don’t then you’re not allowed to eat at my dinner table. I love that fucking guy, that guy being Wes Anderson. I loved this movie. Ralph Fiennes is excellent as one would expect. It’s caper movie that is definitely for fans of Wes Anderson more so than his other movies. It has cameos from pretty much every actor who has appeared in a previous Wes Anderson movie, which is fun. The caper-ness of it reminded a lot of “The Fantastic Mr. Fox”, but completely for adults where as TFMF can be for kids as well. Either way, if you like WA then you should watch all of his films always. Dude is brilliant.

7. Neighbors

I liked it. It’s not Seth Rogen’s best movie or anything, but it’s worth a watch. The movie has its moments of introspection, but they get in and out of them quickly. That’s really the downfall of the movie as far as it being as good as other Rogen movies. It wants to be a lean 90 minutes and it is, which has its price. There are funny parts and outrageous parts and gross out parts and it has its feelings parts, but the latter are quick and could have been delved into more for my liking. Because of that, it felt a little disposable, but if you’re looking for a fun “romp” like how I was saying with “Ride Along” then give it a shot. It’s worth it. And Zac Efron is good in it, but it’s funny how much funnier Dave Franco is. Dave Franco is quickly becoming a favorite of mine like his biological brosef.

8. Noah

I liked it. Darren Aronofsky is a great director and it shows in this movie because this movie probably should have sucked a million times over, but Aronofsky does create great intense and awe-inspiring moments. For the most part, I felt a movie like Noah would be eye-roll worthy just like the “Exodus: Gods and Kings” movie clearly was, but Aronofsky’s Noah is not eye-roll worthy. I’m pretty sure I teared up at points and would imagine others who are more in touch with their feelz centerz will tear up or out right cry at points. If you’re worried about the religiousness of the movie, I wouldn’t. It’s a far more human story even with its obvious super power stuff that happens. The movie is dark and dramatic, but relatable in the sense that it’s played to be a fairly common movie story about a family. One son is the fav, the other son feels slighted, the father is ridged, and the mother is heart. Typical shit, but done well. I liked it and would definitely recommend it for anyone vaguely interested in seeing it.

9. Captain America: Winter Soldier

Did not like. I do not know why people were so into this movie, but it’s not good. As far as story goes, it’s stupid. As far as feel/look, also stupid. If you like those Iron Man movies than you might like it, although it’s not as “funny” (I do not find those movies funny, but I get that others do) as those movies. If you really liked the first Captain America movie – which I definitely did – then you’ll probably be disappointed considering this sequel does not have the same tone nor does it have any where near as interesting of a bad guy, which is what made the first one so good. This is a paint-by-numbers unimpressive action movie with even less personality.

10. Divergent

Ugh. Well, I do know I’m not the intended audience, but this movie sucked. Am I the only one who thought this movie literally looked amateurish? The sets? The sets looked terrible. It literally looks like they didn’t even build sets and just filmed in between takes of other movies that were filming at a certain location or they filmed on the wrong side of a set like behind the facades. It looks like shit. The storyline is atrocious. The only good thing that happened in the movie was that they said the title a thousand times during it. That is awful, but it’s what I wanted them to do. The SNL parody of “Hunger Games” and “Divergent” is better done than the movie “Divergent” and at the same time just as bad with SNL trying to be bad and Divergent trying to be good. It’s such a stupid name too that it had to be said over and over again. Oh yeah, well, I’m a divergent, bitch! Oh really? Guess what? I’m divergent! BOOM! That’s interesting. Is there a chance that he’s DIVERGENT. That movie was stupid and the zipline scene made me hate all the people on this planet who actually like this shit.

11. Draft Day

Awful. Like fucking spit in my face awful. If you like football, you should HATE this movie. It was about the worst representation of football for football fans as the Twilight thunder & lightning vampire ballgame was for baseball fans. Also, no one is likable in this movie. I have no idea why I’m supposed to root for Kevin Costner in this movie. He’s an enormous asshole who I wished would get fired from his job. Also, the fact that Jennifer Garner is getting all up on his dilsnick in this movie was so horribly shoe-horned into the movie that there’s a good chance Garner filmed for two afternoons and had no idea what the movie was about. So, I’d only recommend this movie if you enjoy watching people talk on phones, you know nothing about football, and if you can’t see a “twist” ending a BAJILLION miles away. By “twist” I mean that Kevin Costner does nothing that is actually smart or clever and instead bullies another man – who just happens to be a fucking idiot – into making an idiotic move. I hated this movie.

12. Transcendence

Sucked. Rebecca Hall is a great looking woman, by the way. The movie is stupid and it’s trying to be smart, but it isn’t smart because it literally jump cuts out like 5 years of time where all the smart things happen and they do this jump cut so they didn’t have to actually think out the smart things. Besides that, it’s a pretty lame action movie. Besides that, Rebecca Hall is so good looking. I knew that specifically from the movie “The Town”. I first saw Rebecca Hall in “The Prestige” and then a little while later in “Starter for 10”. All of those movies are worth watching, this movie not so much. But in both “The Prestige” and “Starter for 10”, Rebecca plays the same character more or less – the alternative good looking girl to a hot ass blonde chick with big boobs. In Prestige it’s Scarlett Johansson and in Starter for 10 it’s Alice Eve. Inherently, I bought into the storyline and the movie version of Rebecca Hall and thought she wasn’t as attractive as those ladies because that’s what the movies wanted me to believe… but Hall be fucking hot. So, whatever. I’m just saying. It took “The Town” for me to be like, what was Christian Bale or James McAvoy complaining about? I mean sure ScarJo and Alice are also redonk hot, but you’ve quite a hottie in Hall already, so you should chill. Back to the point, do not see Transcendence.

Well, I think that’s a pretty good start on the movie reviews.

Share your own movie thoughts or thoughts about moon-ing, either/or.

HELLO!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

First off, I know I haven’t posted in awhile, but I do think of you all the time and when I am thinking of you it is when I’m in the shower because in the shower is the only time during the day I don’t have my headphones in listening to a podcast. I cram all my thinking into one shower a day!

Second off, I have been working on a 2014’s movie post. I started writing one where I was going to do a review on each movie I saw, but that’s turning into like 3000 words and I’m not even halfway through it, so that will most likely never see the light of your computer screen wherever you are in this topsy turvy cops riding on the hood of NYPD cars world of ours. I’m thinking I’ll do a top 10 list of movies that I have seen or something. Whatever. Love ya.

Third off…

THE BACHELOR IS BAAAAAACKKK!!!!

And it’s about two things, ladies and gents…

BESOS!!!!!

and

THE HARVEST!!!!!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Remember last season? Kind of, right? It’s a bit of a blur for me already and I’ve only watched two previous seasons of the bachelor. I saw Juan Pablo and I saw Andi Dorfman and somehow I’m already getting them confused. Like as if Juan Pablo had 17 girls to pick from and a couple of dudes.

This season’s bachelor is Prince FARMing himself – get it, I hate ABC/Disney – Chris Soules who made it pretty damn far on the last season of The Bachelorette with Andi. In the end, Andi got rid of Chris because she didn’t want to throwaway the life that she had worked for by moving to the Bermuda triangle of wheat fields known as Iowa and spend her life cooking for Mr. Top Teeth only smiler Chris.

Guess what?

ABC/Disney thought that was an unreasonable thought by Andi and has instead given Chris his own season of The Bachelor, so he can choose from 20 some odd chicks to be subjected to the same fate that Andi did not want to be subjected to.

Honestly, that’s what the show really is because Chris has shown zero compromise in how his life will be led. If you’re going to be with him then you’re going to leave wherever you’re from and live on his farm in Iowa as he does the same shit he’s already doing now without you and you’re now just going to be on his schedule living along his life with no say.

My question… how is Chris any different than Juan Pablo? He’s nicer? He’s friendlier? He smiles more?

Judging from the teaser for the rest of this season, Chris gives out a lot of “besos” aka “kisses” and goes quite a bit further with at least one of the gals pretty early on and in turn that causes a lot of drama with the rest of the gals, which is exactly what happened with Juan Pablo, but I guess Chris will show some sadness about it or maybe not. I mean Juan Pablo slut-shamed Clare, whose to say Chris doesn’t slut-shame the chick he bang-a-rangs? I guess we’ll wait and see!

BACK TO THE POINT…

LADIES LOVE IOWA, RIGHT?! LL IOWA!!

So, Disney found like 30 chicks who are all nutjobs and told them they would put them on TV and take them around the world to kiss and kiss and keep kissing this one guy they probably saw on TV, but haven’t ever met previously and the grandprize is to whore themselves out to the point that he wants them to be his shackled housewife in Iowa. GREAT!

There were 30 chicks last night who met Chris briefly and 8 of them were eliminated. Let’s talk eliminations first…

THEE ELIMINATED!

There’s Amanda, Bo, Brittany, Kara, Kimberly, Michelle, Nicole, and Reegan aka THE UNLOVABLES! Actually, it’s way worse than “unlovable” because by kicking these women off first these are the 8 women that Chris couldn’t even bother himself with the thought of kissing on them for the sake of it and/or going on at worst one awkward group date with them in the background and/or really just seeing them in a room full of 21 other girls for literally one more second. A SECOND! A single fucking second! That’s pretty fucking amazing.

Who were these unlovables? These unable-to-even-be-around-or-fake-care-about?

There’s the bug-eyed ballerina, the plus-size model, the WWE diva in training who wore more or less a doily, a high school soccer coach, a yoga instructor who apparently went batshit crazy and walks back into the house after being eliminated and we’ll have to see what batshit thing she does next week, a wedding cake decorator, a real estate agent, and a cadaver tissue saleswoman.

Honestly, I’m not in disagreement with some of them. The funny thing is that two of the chicks Nicole and Reegan both did some prop comedy when they first met with Nicole wearing a pig nose because Chris is a farmer – got to go! – and Reegan brought him a fake heart that looked way too much like a bloody real heart because she’s crazy and a cadaver tissue whatever-er – got to go! Also, Reegan? I don’t think I could comfortable say Reegan all the time. Not that names give me boners, but Reegan is a boner un-maker name.

Bug eyed ballerina seemed insufferable, but I don’t know about the rest. Maybe he could tell that the yoga teacher was crazy before she went crazy, so I’ll give him that. Personally, I would have kept the WWE diva in training. I mean there’s so much potential there. Maybe Chris is a snob when it comes to wrestling. I grew up a fan of it, so I still have a soft spot. And wasn’t he at least a little curious if she was going to continue wearing insane outfits or maybe dress like a normal person?

I don’t remember a single thing said or done by the soccer coach or the cake decorator. I know I didn’t like what the soccer coach’s dress and I did like the cake decorator’s dress. In the cake decorator’s profile, she says she makes guys cakes on special occasions – that’s a big positive. At the same time, @_dharv aka Danielle aka bae said she thought cake decorator said she had two kids. That’s a big leap there. She’s 25 with two kids? I don’t know. Either way, I thought she was cute and was surprised he got rid of her, but it would be more understandable if she did have two kids I suppose.

Although, Chris did keep a chick with one kid and that one I did not understand…

So, those were the unlovables… let’s talk the potential 22 future Mrs. Iowa slave housewife!

MACKENZIE – Let’s jump right into it… she’s 21, had a kid named Kale, and her hair looked like she let me do it blindfolded. What was up with your hair, Mackenzie?! I do not, will not believe that these chicks didn’t have a mass of stylists being paid by Disney to do their hair and make-up and it looked like the barely legal Mackenzie was allergic to shampoo. Besides that, she’s fucking 21. TWENTY ONE! Chris who is 33 kept the youngest chick of the bunch, who is 12 years younger than him. There are so many 24 year olds on the show, which is crazy to me, but 21? Ugh. And Mackenzie doesn’t even look 21, she looks fucking 12 and by 12 I mean like a tall 9 year old. Oh yeah, I can’t wait to get my hands and on this small, bony, 21 year old, mother. Just creep city. Also, her preview segment was all about her loving every second she spends with her kid… so why leave him for like 6 weeks, you dolt?

I don’t get it.

ALISSA – JERSEY!!! WOOOOO!!! There were two girls from New Jersey and they both got picked. Alissa was petite, 24, a flight attendant, and did a weird skit where she handed out roses to airplane passengers and one crazy creepy old man leered at her. Well done, Disney! I don’t remember much about Alissa minus thinking she was chirpy like a cartoon bird that talks like a human.

AMBER – I don’t think they spent any time on her. She’s the only “woman of color” I believe this season as this could be the whitest season of a show known for being horribly white. She was cute, 29, showed some cleavage, and reading her profile it says one of her three favorite movies is “Reservoir Dogs”, so she’s not an idiot. Most likely this Chicago city girl will be kicked off next week.

ASHLEY I. – JERSEY!!!! WOOOOOO!!! AGAIN!!! Ashley I. is obviously the other Jersey girl. She’s a freelance journalist, so she’s probably unemployed like moi. She’s a dark-haired Italian chick from Jersey and she seemed fine until she was shown crying and crying and then in the teaser she’s shown crying and crying and crying and crying. Not that he could guess from appearance that she would cry all the fucking time, but let’s just take an easy guess that she’s not winning the show because she’s just leaking tears out of her head all the damn time.

ASHLEY S. – Ashley S. is fucking crazy. She’s got crazy eyes and crazy mouth and she was doing crazy things like interrupting Chris talking to other chicks and giving them flowers like a crazy person would do and she also picked a pomegranate from a tree at the house as well. She’s crazy and from Brooklyn and is a hair stylist and is crazy. So, good pick there. And one of her three favorite movies was “Seven Pounds” with Will Smith, which means SHE’S FUCKING CRAZY. Seriously, did you even remember that movie existed? Let alone, your favorite fucking movie? Fucking crazy. So crazy she may wake-up one morning on that show and forget that she’s even on the show and just go ballistic screaming WHERE AM I?!?!?!? Which I guess is good television.

BECCA – Honestly, don’t remember her minus that there was a “Becca” on the show. Like Reegan, I don’t think I could be with a “Becca”. Maybe I’m a purist, I don’t know, but part of a relationship is saying someone’s name and sometimes that is just yelling to them if they want a hazelnut or coconut creme in their coffee and other times it’s to yell at them that they’re not appreciative enough that you care about which creme they want in their coffee and I can’t see myself being comfortable doing that for a Becca.

BRITT – If you are in a fantasy Bachelor league then you should run your head directly into a wall and then after that you should be pretty fucking psyched if you picked Britt because she’s the odds on favorite right now. Why? Well, she hooked up with Chris on the first episode. Not hooked up like vaginal trotted on his ding dong, but more like tongue kissed him a bunch, which is a lot more than any other girl did. She’s a wannabe actress who gives out free hugs and gave Chris a couple 30 seconds hugs that got Chris to at least half-mast. The second time she hugged him she said afterward to him that she thought they were going to kiss. Then the third time they saw each other, they made the fuck out. Afterward, Chris and Britt said it naturally just happened. Errr… no… or at least it wasn’t “magical” like they’re trying to make it seem because if a girl was like “Hey, I thought you were going to kiss me and I liked that” then we got to be alone together like 20 minutes later I would think it was a safe bet we were going to kiss that time.

Anyway, in the teaser, the gang are all sleeping in tents on a beach and one chick is shown going into Chris’ tent and the two of them seemingly go into the bone zone. Probably a safe bet as well that that is Britt.

Also, one of the best Bachelorette contestants – who was on Bachelor in Paradise and for some reason found idiot Mackelmore faced Cody attractive – said they heard that Britt doesn’t shower. That is concerning if it’s true.

CARLY – She’s a cruise ship singer and she made her entrance with a portable karaoke machine and singing something to Chris. He still kept her on the show. And I think that’s all they showed of her.

JADE – I don’t know if Jade said anything, but she wore a dress that had a see-thru like top with jewels on it reminiscent of an ice skater’s outfit and you could totally see her boobs. They looked like nice boobs. So, yeah, keep her around.

JILLIAN – Jillian’s a news producer in Washington DC and she does chin ups with weight-plate tied around her waist with a chain. Yeah. She’s into body-building and she’s got a set of guns on her and there is no fucking way in Hell that she is going to win this show. Seriously? You’re giving up your job as a Washington DC news producer and life as a cross-fit heroine to bum around some kitchen in Iowa waiting for ole’ Squints to come home? Not happening.

JORDAN – I don’t think she said anything and I really don’t remember her from the episode minus her almost tripping when going up to accept her rose, but I think she’s a sleeper pick for Chris and I’m not biased because of the name. Reading her bio, she’s 24 and a student aka unemployed. That right there is good for Chris because she’s leaving nothing behind. And the answers to almost all of her questions lead me to believe she’s pretty fucking simple and down to go to pound town immediately.

If you really wanted to impress a man, what would you do? Give him a sexy dance because it would turn him on and hopefully lead to more.

Oh yeah, that’s right up Chris’ alley. That answer is literally a brainless fuckbot’s answer. And her standards seem pretty fucking low. For the question “I hate when my date…” her answer was “smacks his food!” What the fuck? What the fuck is she talking about? What food would someone even smack if they were to smack food? THINK ABOUT THAT! And what moron would ever smack food on a date and how many times has she been on dates with these types of food smackers that it’s her answer to that question and that has driven her to try and find her husband on a reality TV show?

Either way, Jordan and Britt are possible wives for Chris.

JUELIA – That’s a stupid way to spell that name. Nevertheless, I don’t think she did anything on the show minus almost tripping when she went to get her rose as well.

KAITLYN – This chick is not going to win, but she could provide some entertainment. She told the worst jokes and she told several of them and that was some great cringeworthy moments. She’s real confident in her comedy skills like way too confident like needlessly confident minus the fact that she’s probably using this show to propel a recent idea that she wants to be a comedic actress. Also, her profile says “dance instructor” and I’m pretty sure on the show she said she WAS a dance instructor, so I think she’s also unemployed. She did make Chris do the running man dance or something, so expect her not to go far.

KELSEY – Kelsey seems like she will be a handful. And I do think she will last a while on the show for no real reason. I don’t know if I’m getting this right, but I think she said she was getting married or in a long term relationship with a guy and that guy died and that was 16 months ago and, now, she’s kind of thru the grieving process – really? – and she’s decided she’s going to be on this show. I’d say Kelsey is certifiably nuts, but all the girls are, so what’s new? I think she’ll be on the show for at least until the top ten for as mentioned no real reason.

MEGAN – Honestly, I have no memory of her. In her profile picture, it looks like she’s a blonde with big boobs, so I guess that’s enough to make it to the next round.

NIKKI – Nikki is a former NFL cheerleader, so I guess that’s enough right there to keep her around for at least two of the bikini wearing adventures. Her job is that she was a “former” something, so I’m guessing she’s unemployed too – how many of them are unemployed like 8? And if her formal job was as an NFL cheerleader then we know that she made zero money and actually lost money doing that for however long she did do it. Also, she can be tricked or easily led into doing a thankless life of wearing almost no clothes, so that’s pretty good for Chris. But she lives in NYC and that’s about as big of a change to go from NYC to Iowa as from going from NYC to Iowa, which is arguably the opposite ends of the life spectrum.

SAMANTHA – I don’t remember Samantha at all. In the picture, Samantha has a bit of a giraffe neck, so that’s something.

TANDRA – There was a Tandra? Seriously, how did I miss that?! Also, i could not be with a Tandra.

TARA – The MVP of last night’s episode was most definitely Tara. Tara is a sports fishing enthusiast, which is admittedly a hobby and not an occupation. Either way, Tara showed up to the house in Daisy Dukes and a cowboy hat then ran inside put on a dress and snuck back outside and met Chris for a second time in the dress. While that was completely unnecessary, Tara then went on to get wasted on Jack Daniels. During the rose ceremony, Tara’s make-up had been smeared and she was teetering on the riser she was standing on and making noises like she was going to throw up. Chris at one point actually left the ceremony hoping that TV host Chris would remove Tara from the show simply because she was wasted, but TV host Chris said that it was up to overbite bachelor Chris to remove her and overbite of course chickened out on that and instead picked Tara to be in his 22. In her bio, she says she has no tattoos, but she clearly had a tattoo on her shoulder of some words and a heart, so she’s also a liar. And she has an identical twin… or does she? I mean she is a liar. Hopefully, Tara gets wasted every episode.

TRACY – I sort of remember Tracy reading a note that she forced her fourth grade class she teaches to write as a guilt ridden love letter to keep Tracy on the show. No matter what age you force a kid to write a guilt ridden love letter it’s weird, but 4th grade is a little old to do that. I mean I was already really jaded about school by the time I was in 4th grade. Either way, I don’t remember much of Tracy.

TRINA – Minus Trina being the oldest chick on the show by being the same age as Chris, I don’t remember Trina.

And finally…

WHITNEY – Whitney likes to handle sperm… as a fertility nurse and she sometimes plays up her high pitched voice to sound like she’s a cartoon character. Reading her bio I don’t have much hope for Whitney – What are you most afraid of? Being alone. Never finding love or getting to have a family. Uhhhhh, yikes. I think that type of answer is going to be off putting for Chris even though that’s exactly what a person on this show is there for – not to be alone.

That’s the magical 22!

Right now, I think my favorites are Britt because she’s obviously going to fuck Chris and Jordan who seems perfectly capable of banging Chris and/or a handsome cameraman.

Last but not least, in the teaser, a girl shouted out “I’m a virgin!” which is just fucking brilliant. Can’t wait for that moment of the show.

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