The Bachelor 19 Season Premiere – Breaking down the ladies being sold into Iowa housewife slavery

January 6, 2015



First off, I know I haven’t posted in awhile, but I do think of you all the time and when I am thinking of you it is when I’m in the shower because in the shower is the only time during the day I don’t have my headphones in listening to a podcast. I cram all my thinking into one shower a day!

Second off, I have been working on a 2014’s movie post. I started writing one where I was going to do a review on each movie I saw, but that’s turning into like 3000 words and I’m not even halfway through it, so that will most likely never see the light of your computer screen wherever you are in this topsy turvy cops riding on the hood of NYPD cars world of ours. I’m thinking I’ll do a top 10 list of movies that I have seen or something. Whatever. Love ya.

Third off…


And it’s about two things, ladies and gents…




Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Remember last season? Kind of, right? It’s a bit of a blur for me already and I’ve only watched two previous seasons of the bachelor. I saw Juan Pablo and I saw Andi Dorfman and somehow I’m already getting them confused. Like as if Juan Pablo had 17 girls to pick from and a couple of dudes.

This season’s bachelor is Prince FARMing himself – get it, I hate ABC/Disney – Chris Soules who made it pretty damn far on the last season of The Bachelorette with Andi. In the end, Andi got rid of Chris because she didn’t want to throwaway the life that she had worked for by moving to the Bermuda triangle of wheat fields known as Iowa and spend her life cooking for Mr. Top Teeth only smiler Chris.

Guess what?

ABC/Disney thought that was an unreasonable thought by Andi and has instead given Chris his own season of The Bachelor, so he can choose from 20 some odd chicks to be subjected to the same fate that Andi did not want to be subjected to.

Honestly, that’s what the show really is because Chris has shown zero compromise in how his life will be led. If you’re going to be with him then you’re going to leave wherever you’re from and live on his farm in Iowa as he does the same shit he’s already doing now without you and you’re now just going to be on his schedule living along his life with no say.

My question… how is Chris any different than Juan Pablo? He’s nicer? He’s friendlier? He smiles more?

Judging from the teaser for the rest of this season, Chris gives out a lot of “besos” aka “kisses” and goes quite a bit further with at least one of the gals pretty early on and in turn that causes a lot of drama with the rest of the gals, which is exactly what happened with Juan Pablo, but I guess Chris will show some sadness about it or maybe not. I mean Juan Pablo slut-shamed Clare, whose to say Chris doesn’t slut-shame the chick he bang-a-rangs? I guess we’ll wait and see!



So, Disney found like 30 chicks who are all nutjobs and told them they would put them on TV and take them around the world to kiss and kiss and keep kissing this one guy they probably saw on TV, but haven’t ever met previously and the grandprize is to whore themselves out to the point that he wants them to be his shackled housewife in Iowa. GREAT!

There were 30 chicks last night who met Chris briefly and 8 of them were eliminated. Let’s talk eliminations first…


There’s Amanda, Bo, Brittany, Kara, Kimberly, Michelle, Nicole, and Reegan aka THE UNLOVABLES! Actually, it’s way worse than “unlovable” because by kicking these women off first these are the 8 women that Chris couldn’t even bother himself with the thought of kissing on them for the sake of it and/or going on at worst one awkward group date with them in the background and/or really just seeing them in a room full of 21 other girls for literally one more second. A SECOND! A single fucking second! That’s pretty fucking amazing.

Who were these unlovables? These unable-to-even-be-around-or-fake-care-about?

There’s the bug-eyed ballerina, the plus-size model, the WWE diva in training who wore more or less a doily, a high school soccer coach, a yoga instructor who apparently went batshit crazy and walks back into the house after being eliminated and we’ll have to see what batshit thing she does next week, a wedding cake decorator, a real estate agent, and a cadaver tissue saleswoman.

Honestly, I’m not in disagreement with some of them. The funny thing is that two of the chicks Nicole and Reegan both did some prop comedy when they first met with Nicole wearing a pig nose because Chris is a farmer – got to go! – and Reegan brought him a fake heart that looked way too much like a bloody real heart because she’s crazy and a cadaver tissue whatever-er – got to go! Also, Reegan? I don’t think I could comfortable say Reegan all the time. Not that names give me boners, but Reegan is a boner un-maker name.

Bug eyed ballerina seemed insufferable, but I don’t know about the rest. Maybe he could tell that the yoga teacher was crazy before she went crazy, so I’ll give him that. Personally, I would have kept the WWE diva in training. I mean there’s so much potential there. Maybe Chris is a snob when it comes to wrestling. I grew up a fan of it, so I still have a soft spot. And wasn’t he at least a little curious if she was going to continue wearing insane outfits or maybe dress like a normal person?

I don’t remember a single thing said or done by the soccer coach or the cake decorator. I know I didn’t like what the soccer coach’s dress and I did like the cake decorator’s dress. In the cake decorator’s profile, she says she makes guys cakes on special occasions – that’s a big positive. At the same time, @_dharv aka Danielle aka bae said she thought cake decorator said she had two kids. That’s a big leap there. She’s 25 with two kids? I don’t know. Either way, I thought she was cute and was surprised he got rid of her, but it would be more understandable if she did have two kids I suppose.

Although, Chris did keep a chick with one kid and that one I did not understand…

So, those were the unlovables… let’s talk the potential 22 future Mrs. Iowa slave housewife!

MACKENZIE – Let’s jump right into it… she’s 21, had a kid named Kale, and her hair looked like she let me do it blindfolded. What was up with your hair, Mackenzie?! I do not, will not believe that these chicks didn’t have a mass of stylists being paid by Disney to do their hair and make-up and it looked like the barely legal Mackenzie was allergic to shampoo. Besides that, she’s fucking 21. TWENTY ONE! Chris who is 33 kept the youngest chick of the bunch, who is 12 years younger than him. There are so many 24 year olds on the show, which is crazy to me, but 21? Ugh. And Mackenzie doesn’t even look 21, she looks fucking 12 and by 12 I mean like a tall 9 year old. Oh yeah, I can’t wait to get my hands and on this small, bony, 21 year old, mother. Just creep city. Also, her preview segment was all about her loving every second she spends with her kid… so why leave him for like 6 weeks, you dolt?

I don’t get it.

ALISSA – JERSEY!!! WOOOOO!!! There were two girls from New Jersey and they both got picked. Alissa was petite, 24, a flight attendant, and did a weird skit where she handed out roses to airplane passengers and one crazy creepy old man leered at her. Well done, Disney! I don’t remember much about Alissa minus thinking she was chirpy like a cartoon bird that talks like a human.

AMBER – I don’t think they spent any time on her. She’s the only “woman of color” I believe this season as this could be the whitest season of a show known for being horribly white. She was cute, 29, showed some cleavage, and reading her profile it says one of her three favorite movies is “Reservoir Dogs”, so she’s not an idiot. Most likely this Chicago city girl will be kicked off next week.

ASHLEY I. – JERSEY!!!! WOOOOOO!!! AGAIN!!! Ashley I. is obviously the other Jersey girl. She’s a freelance journalist, so she’s probably unemployed like moi. She’s a dark-haired Italian chick from Jersey and she seemed fine until she was shown crying and crying and then in the teaser she’s shown crying and crying and crying and crying. Not that he could guess from appearance that she would cry all the fucking time, but let’s just take an easy guess that she’s not winning the show because she’s just leaking tears out of her head all the damn time.

ASHLEY S. – Ashley S. is fucking crazy. She’s got crazy eyes and crazy mouth and she was doing crazy things like interrupting Chris talking to other chicks and giving them flowers like a crazy person would do and she also picked a pomegranate from a tree at the house as well. She’s crazy and from Brooklyn and is a hair stylist and is crazy. So, good pick there. And one of her three favorite movies was “Seven Pounds” with Will Smith, which means SHE’S FUCKING CRAZY. Seriously, did you even remember that movie existed? Let alone, your favorite fucking movie? Fucking crazy. So crazy she may wake-up one morning on that show and forget that she’s even on the show and just go ballistic screaming WHERE AM I?!?!?!? Which I guess is good television.

BECCA – Honestly, don’t remember her minus that there was a “Becca” on the show. Like Reegan, I don’t think I could be with a “Becca”. Maybe I’m a purist, I don’t know, but part of a relationship is saying someone’s name and sometimes that is just yelling to them if they want a hazelnut or coconut creme in their coffee and other times it’s to yell at them that they’re not appreciative enough that you care about which creme they want in their coffee and I can’t see myself being comfortable doing that for a Becca.

BRITT – If you are in a fantasy Bachelor league then you should run your head directly into a wall and then after that you should be pretty fucking psyched if you picked Britt because she’s the odds on favorite right now. Why? Well, she hooked up with Chris on the first episode. Not hooked up like vaginal trotted on his ding dong, but more like tongue kissed him a bunch, which is a lot more than any other girl did. She’s a wannabe actress who gives out free hugs and gave Chris a couple 30 seconds hugs that got Chris to at least half-mast. The second time she hugged him she said afterward to him that she thought they were going to kiss. Then the third time they saw each other, they made the fuck out. Afterward, Chris and Britt said it naturally just happened. Errr… no… or at least it wasn’t “magical” like they’re trying to make it seem because if a girl was like “Hey, I thought you were going to kiss me and I liked that” then we got to be alone together like 20 minutes later I would think it was a safe bet we were going to kiss that time.

Anyway, in the teaser, the gang are all sleeping in tents on a beach and one chick is shown going into Chris’ tent and the two of them seemingly go into the bone zone. Probably a safe bet as well that that is Britt.

Also, one of the best Bachelorette contestants – who was on Bachelor in Paradise and for some reason found idiot Mackelmore faced Cody attractive – said they heard that Britt doesn’t shower. That is concerning if it’s true.

CARLY – She’s a cruise ship singer and she made her entrance with a portable karaoke machine and singing something to Chris. He still kept her on the show. And I think that’s all they showed of her.

JADE – I don’t know if Jade said anything, but she wore a dress that had a see-thru like top with jewels on it reminiscent of an ice skater’s outfit and you could totally see her boobs. They looked like nice boobs. So, yeah, keep her around.

JILLIAN – Jillian’s a news producer in Washington DC and she does chin ups with weight-plate tied around her waist with a chain. Yeah. She’s into body-building and she’s got a set of guns on her and there is no fucking way in Hell that she is going to win this show. Seriously? You’re giving up your job as a Washington DC news producer and life as a cross-fit heroine to bum around some kitchen in Iowa waiting for ole’ Squints to come home? Not happening.

JORDAN – I don’t think she said anything and I really don’t remember her from the episode minus her almost tripping when going up to accept her rose, but I think she’s a sleeper pick for Chris and I’m not biased because of the name. Reading her bio, she’s 24 and a student aka unemployed. That right there is good for Chris because she’s leaving nothing behind. And the answers to almost all of her questions lead me to believe she’s pretty fucking simple and down to go to pound town immediately.

If you really wanted to impress a man, what would you do? Give him a sexy dance because it would turn him on and hopefully lead to more.

Oh yeah, that’s right up Chris’ alley. That answer is literally a brainless fuckbot’s answer. And her standards seem pretty fucking low. For the question “I hate when my date…” her answer was “smacks his food!” What the fuck? What the fuck is she talking about? What food would someone even smack if they were to smack food? THINK ABOUT THAT! And what moron would ever smack food on a date and how many times has she been on dates with these types of food smackers that it’s her answer to that question and that has driven her to try and find her husband on a reality TV show?

Either way, Jordan and Britt are possible wives for Chris.

JUELIA – That’s a stupid way to spell that name. Nevertheless, I don’t think she did anything on the show minus almost tripping when she went to get her rose as well.

KAITLYN – This chick is not going to win, but she could provide some entertainment. She told the worst jokes and she told several of them and that was some great cringeworthy moments. She’s real confident in her comedy skills like way too confident like needlessly confident minus the fact that she’s probably using this show to propel a recent idea that she wants to be a comedic actress. Also, her profile says “dance instructor” and I’m pretty sure on the show she said she WAS a dance instructor, so I think she’s also unemployed. She did make Chris do the running man dance or something, so expect her not to go far.

KELSEY – Kelsey seems like she will be a handful. And I do think she will last a while on the show for no real reason. I don’t know if I’m getting this right, but I think she said she was getting married or in a long term relationship with a guy and that guy died and that was 16 months ago and, now, she’s kind of thru the grieving process – really? – and she’s decided she’s going to be on this show. I’d say Kelsey is certifiably nuts, but all the girls are, so what’s new? I think she’ll be on the show for at least until the top ten for as mentioned no real reason.

MEGAN – Honestly, I have no memory of her. In her profile picture, it looks like she’s a blonde with big boobs, so I guess that’s enough to make it to the next round.

NIKKI – Nikki is a former NFL cheerleader, so I guess that’s enough right there to keep her around for at least two of the bikini wearing adventures. Her job is that she was a “former” something, so I’m guessing she’s unemployed too – how many of them are unemployed like 8? And if her formal job was as an NFL cheerleader then we know that she made zero money and actually lost money doing that for however long she did do it. Also, she can be tricked or easily led into doing a thankless life of wearing almost no clothes, so that’s pretty good for Chris. But she lives in NYC and that’s about as big of a change to go from NYC to Iowa as from going from NYC to Iowa, which is arguably the opposite ends of the life spectrum.

SAMANTHA – I don’t remember Samantha at all. In the picture, Samantha has a bit of a giraffe neck, so that’s something.

TANDRA – There was a Tandra? Seriously, how did I miss that?! Also, i could not be with a Tandra.

TARA – The MVP of last night’s episode was most definitely Tara. Tara is a sports fishing enthusiast, which is admittedly a hobby and not an occupation. Either way, Tara showed up to the house in Daisy Dukes and a cowboy hat then ran inside put on a dress and snuck back outside and met Chris for a second time in the dress. While that was completely unnecessary, Tara then went on to get wasted on Jack Daniels. During the rose ceremony, Tara’s make-up had been smeared and she was teetering on the riser she was standing on and making noises like she was going to throw up. Chris at one point actually left the ceremony hoping that TV host Chris would remove Tara from the show simply because she was wasted, but TV host Chris said that it was up to overbite bachelor Chris to remove her and overbite of course chickened out on that and instead picked Tara to be in his 22. In her bio, she says she has no tattoos, but she clearly had a tattoo on her shoulder of some words and a heart, so she’s also a liar. And she has an identical twin… or does she? I mean she is a liar. Hopefully, Tara gets wasted every episode.

TRACY – I sort of remember Tracy reading a note that she forced her fourth grade class she teaches to write as a guilt ridden love letter to keep Tracy on the show. No matter what age you force a kid to write a guilt ridden love letter it’s weird, but 4th grade is a little old to do that. I mean I was already really jaded about school by the time I was in 4th grade. Either way, I don’t remember much of Tracy.

TRINA – Minus Trina being the oldest chick on the show by being the same age as Chris, I don’t remember Trina.

And finally…

WHITNEY – Whitney likes to handle sperm… as a fertility nurse and she sometimes plays up her high pitched voice to sound like she’s a cartoon character. Reading her bio I don’t have much hope for Whitney – What are you most afraid of? Being alone. Never finding love or getting to have a family. Uhhhhh, yikes. I think that type of answer is going to be off putting for Chris even though that’s exactly what a person on this show is there for – not to be alone.

That’s the magical 22!

Right now, I think my favorites are Britt because she’s obviously going to fuck Chris and Jordan who seems perfectly capable of banging Chris and/or a handsome cameraman.

Last but not least, in the teaser, a girl shouted out “I’m a virgin!” which is just fucking brilliant. Can’t wait for that moment of the show.

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