Movies I saw from 2014 – part I

January 8, 2015

HELLO!!!!

I hope you had a wonderful Christmas. I hope you had a sextastic Hanukkah. I hope your New Years gets a bit too crazy. Like taking your pants off and pressing your butt cheeks against a window for a stranger to see.

Remember that?! When’s the last time you “moon-ed” someone? Further more, have you ever moon-ed someone?!

Do millenials moon people anymore? Or do they just send pictures of their vaginas via snapchat? I mean like driving down the highway and showing another person your butt? Is that happening anymore?

If you watched TV or movies from the 90’s and before, one would have thought our country had an absolute plague of us showing strangers our butts. Genuinely, I thought mooning would be more of a part of my life than it ever has been. I do not believe I’ve ever intentionally moon-ed someone. I’ve totally accidentally moon-ed someone because my ass has a tendency of falling out of my pants when I bend over, but I haven’t tried to moon someone before.

Flip-side, I can only think of maybe two or three times in my life at best in my 31 and a half years where I’ve seen a mooning take place. Which leads me to believe, movies and television programs are liars.

That’s about as good of a sequitur as I’m going to get into the topic of movies…

Today, I am going to start talking about the movies I have seen that came out this year. I’m talking about like I’ve seen at least 60% of them. Almost all of the ones on this list I saw 100% of them, but there are a couple that I saw most of them and I’ll review that most of what I saw.

Also, I will eventually go on to mention the movies I haven’t seen this year that I do want to see or know for a fact that I will see at some point.

This list is in chronological order as far as when they came out, not when I saw them. Just saying that because the first movie on this list is atrocious and I did not see it in theaters and I did not want you to even assume that I did. I saw like 70% of it on HBO and it was awful, and I really should just get to the reviews, right?!?!?!?! BUTTS!!!

1. The Legend of Hercules

SUCKED! Good lord was this movie awful. Kellan Lutz is a terrible actor, but, more so, Renny Harlin is a terrible director. Some may say “who the fuck is Renny Harlin?” and others may say “wait, didn’t he direct ‘Long Kiss Goodnight’, ‘Cliffhanger’, and ‘Die Hard 2’?” And my response is that LKG is fucking crazy overrated garbage. Cliffhanger is a gem and I love it, but even a broken clock is right twice a day. And Die Hard 2 is certainly watchable, but is not a ‘good’ movie, especially in comparison to let’s say “Die Hard”, which is arguably the greatest movie ever made. So, fuck Renny and those movies came out TWO DECADES AGO! This Hercules movie is filled with action scenes done in terrible 300 style slow-mo and have absolutely no sense to them as Hercules is not that strong in them and he also seems to be thoroughly unfocused with no clear plan thoroughout the movie. Also, every chick in this movie simply weeps and weeps if she’s on screen for more than one minute.

2. Obvious Child

Easily, one of the best movies of the year. Jenny Slate is fucking great in this movie and should get nominated for everything. I loved this movie. I thought it was funny, heart-warming, complex, thoughtful, dark, and honest. AND I’m saying that as a person who is pro-choice. If you’re pro-life then this movie may blow up your house the moment you hit play on it. The fact that Jenny’s character does not get talked out of doing this abortion by Jesus and/or doesn’t die from Satan fucking her skull in after having the abortion has got to make pro-lifers FURIOUS. Outside of that, I thought it was movie that showed a lot of feelings and was funny too.

3. Ride Along

Kevin Hart is fucking funny. Kevin Hart has 15 million followers on Twitter and he deserves every single one of those motherfuckers. Ice Cube has blossomed into a solid comedic actor, which is outright hilarious. Not even just a comedic actor, but generally a family-friendly one. Does anyone remember when Tipper Gore and Hillary Clinton wanted Ice Cube strung up by his neck in front of the White House? Hahahah, how times have changed?! Anyway, this movie is more adult that the usual Ice Cube movie fair and it’s definitely a fun watch. If you want a laugh at a silly movie then OnDemand or Netflix this. I’ve watched it twice.

4. The Raid 2

Good God! These movies do not need to be 2.5 hours long. It’s simply too much. The Raid 1 was perfect. It was a lean and mean 90 minutes of non-stop action and it just ends when it’s over. The Raid 2 is epic and at times that makes it feel like a chore to watch. It feels like the movie that they made in the way they made it in a bad way. Originally, the storyline for Raid 2 was going to be the first The Raid, but they didn’t have the money and so forth to make a movie that sprawled throughout a city with multiple sets. So, they made what became The Raid 1, which had one location and cost less to make. After the success of The Raid 1, they had the money to make what they originally set out to make plus they could add shit to it. And that’s what it feels like. It feels like two movies or maybe 1.5 movies sandwiched together for one long action experience that feels jumbled and does feel too long. The action scenes are fucking incredible, but it just feels like they were lumping scenes on scenes without cutting it down to make it make sense. Gareth Evans, the director, has a bright future and so do these Indonesian action guys in the movie, but someone needs to help them make a linear movie.

5. The Lego Movie

Honestly, I didn’t like this the first time I sat down and watched it. I turned it off in fact. It was late and I was tired, but the opening “Everything is Awesome” song gave me a headache more than it made me laugh. About 6 months later, I caught the last 30 minutes of the movie on HBO pretty much after the “reveal” of the kid and Will Ferrell and I liked all of that. So, I watched the movie and I stick by both of those opinions. I like the movie the more it goes on and, especially, when it gets to the last portion of the movie where you start to see the real worldness to the movie. I bet kids would like the movie through and through, but I found some of it to be too kiddy for me at times in the first 30 minutes or so of the movie. I would highly recommend seeing it regardless. It’s certainly well-made and I think Phil Lord and Christopher Miller are clearly crazy talented directors, which I’ll get to later with “22 Jump Street”. Those two guys had a huge year and it’s no surprise.

6. The Grand Budapest Hotel

You either like Wes Anderson or you don’t and if you don’t then you’re not allowed to eat at my dinner table. I love that fucking guy, that guy being Wes Anderson. I loved this movie. Ralph Fiennes is excellent as one would expect. It’s caper movie that is definitely for fans of Wes Anderson more so than his other movies. It has cameos from pretty much every actor who has appeared in a previous Wes Anderson movie, which is fun. The caper-ness of it reminded a lot of “The Fantastic Mr. Fox”, but completely for adults where as TFMF can be for kids as well. Either way, if you like WA then you should watch all of his films always. Dude is brilliant.

7. Neighbors

I liked it. It’s not Seth Rogen’s best movie or anything, but it’s worth a watch. The movie has its moments of introspection, but they get in and out of them quickly. That’s really the downfall of the movie as far as it being as good as other Rogen movies. It wants to be a lean 90 minutes and it is, which has its price. There are funny parts and outrageous parts and gross out parts and it has its feelings parts, but the latter are quick and could have been delved into more for my liking. Because of that, it felt a little disposable, but if you’re looking for a fun “romp” like how I was saying with “Ride Along” then give it a shot. It’s worth it. And Zac Efron is good in it, but it’s funny how much funnier Dave Franco is. Dave Franco is quickly becoming a favorite of mine like his biological brosef.

8. Noah

I liked it. Darren Aronofsky is a great director and it shows in this movie because this movie probably should have sucked a million times over, but Aronofsky does create great intense and awe-inspiring moments. For the most part, I felt a movie like Noah would be eye-roll worthy just like the “Exodus: Gods and Kings” movie clearly was, but Aronofsky’s Noah is not eye-roll worthy. I’m pretty sure I teared up at points and would imagine others who are more in touch with their feelz centerz will tear up or out right cry at points. If you’re worried about the religiousness of the movie, I wouldn’t. It’s a far more human story even with its obvious super power stuff that happens. The movie is dark and dramatic, but relatable in the sense that it’s played to be a fairly common movie story about a family. One son is the fav, the other son feels slighted, the father is ridged, and the mother is heart. Typical shit, but done well. I liked it and would definitely recommend it for anyone vaguely interested in seeing it.

9. Captain America: Winter Soldier

Did not like. I do not know why people were so into this movie, but it’s not good. As far as story goes, it’s stupid. As far as feel/look, also stupid. If you like those Iron Man movies than you might like it, although it’s not as “funny” (I do not find those movies funny, but I get that others do) as those movies. If you really liked the first Captain America movie – which I definitely did – then you’ll probably be disappointed considering this sequel does not have the same tone nor does it have any where near as interesting of a bad guy, which is what made the first one so good. This is a paint-by-numbers unimpressive action movie with even less personality.

10. Divergent

Ugh. Well, I do know I’m not the intended audience, but this movie sucked. Am I the only one who thought this movie literally looked amateurish? The sets? The sets looked terrible. It literally looks like they didn’t even build sets and just filmed in between takes of other movies that were filming at a certain location or they filmed on the wrong side of a set like behind the facades. It looks like shit. The storyline is atrocious. The only good thing that happened in the movie was that they said the title a thousand times during it. That is awful, but it’s what I wanted them to do. The SNL parody of “Hunger Games” and “Divergent” is better done than the movie “Divergent” and at the same time just as bad with SNL trying to be bad and Divergent trying to be good. It’s such a stupid name too that it had to be said over and over again. Oh yeah, well, I’m a divergent, bitch! Oh really? Guess what? I’m divergent! BOOM! That’s interesting. Is there a chance that he’s DIVERGENT. That movie was stupid and the zipline scene made me hate all the people on this planet who actually like this shit.

11. Draft Day

Awful. Like fucking spit in my face awful. If you like football, you should HATE this movie. It was about the worst representation of football for football fans as the Twilight thunder & lightning vampire ballgame was for baseball fans. Also, no one is likable in this movie. I have no idea why I’m supposed to root for Kevin Costner in this movie. He’s an enormous asshole who I wished would get fired from his job. Also, the fact that Jennifer Garner is getting all up on his dilsnick in this movie was so horribly shoe-horned into the movie that there’s a good chance Garner filmed for two afternoons and had no idea what the movie was about. So, I’d only recommend this movie if you enjoy watching people talk on phones, you know nothing about football, and if you can’t see a “twist” ending a BAJILLION miles away. By “twist” I mean that Kevin Costner does nothing that is actually smart or clever and instead bullies another man – who just happens to be a fucking idiot – into making an idiotic move. I hated this movie.

12. Transcendence

Sucked. Rebecca Hall is a great looking woman, by the way. The movie is stupid and it’s trying to be smart, but it isn’t smart because it literally jump cuts out like 5 years of time where all the smart things happen and they do this jump cut so they didn’t have to actually think out the smart things. Besides that, it’s a pretty lame action movie. Besides that, Rebecca Hall is so good looking. I knew that specifically from the movie “The Town”. I first saw Rebecca Hall in “The Prestige” and then a little while later in “Starter for 10”. All of those movies are worth watching, this movie not so much. But in both “The Prestige” and “Starter for 10”, Rebecca plays the same character more or less – the alternative good looking girl to a hot ass blonde chick with big boobs. In Prestige it’s Scarlett Johansson and in Starter for 10 it’s Alice Eve. Inherently, I bought into the storyline and the movie version of Rebecca Hall and thought she wasn’t as attractive as those ladies because that’s what the movies wanted me to believe… but Hall be fucking hot. So, whatever. I’m just saying. It took “The Town” for me to be like, what was Christian Bale or James McAvoy complaining about? I mean sure ScarJo and Alice are also redonk hot, but you’ve quite a hottie in Hall already, so you should chill. Back to the point, do not see Transcendence.

Well, I think that’s a pretty good start on the movie reviews.

Share your own movie thoughts or thoughts about moon-ing, either/or.

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