The Bachelor 19 – episode 1 – Guys DO NOT want VIRGINS!

January 13, 2015

HELLOOOOOOO!!!

Yes, let’s just get the fuck into it.

GUYS…

DO NOT!!!

WANT…

VIRGINS!!!

If you missed last night’s episode of, arguably, the most sexist show on television THE BACHELOR then you’re probably for the better because of that, but you would have missed a 21 year old woman-child who has a one year old kid of her own declare that guys want virgins.

You read that correctly. I mean, unless you didn’t. Maybe you’re not good at reading and you read that as hippos eat robot fizz – I cannot say for sure. Nevertheless, what I did write was that this chick thinks/believes/thinks-she-knows that GUYS are all hot and bothered with the idea of taking a girl or multiple girls virginities… and that… is…

FUCKING CREEPY!!!!!!!!

AND!

WRONG!!!

Seriously, who is a “guy” to her?

I’m speaking of Mackenzie. Mackenzie is a 21 year old, mother to a one year old, dental assistant from the state of Washington, and she’s fucking crazy in the brain-zy.

There are two types of guys who I can picture liking virgins and they’re pretty similar…

1. OVERLY RELIGIOUS

and…

2. FUCKING CREEPS

I’m not saying one has to be the other, but they’re not mutually exclusive and there is a lot of crossover in the two categories.

If you are a person who is so into religion that you have abstained from sex until marriage and you are a virgin yourself then you’re probably looking for a virgin yourself considering. And from my point of view, you’re kind of creep for all of that, but I’ll give some of them the benefit of the doubt and they’re just wildly naive and they’re ok.

Outside of that, anyone else who wants to de-virginize a woman is a fucking sociopath.

I am a MAN aka a GUY and the idea of trying to find a virgin and then wanting to de-virginize them sounds to me more or less like how a date-rapist thinks. It sounds like a sexual predator. A guy who gets off on taking a girl’s virginity sounds like a straight-up rapist. It’s fucking creepy and fucking crazy and actually makes my de-virginizer want to crawl up inside my own body because of how anti-sexy the whole idea is.

Not only that, but talking about a girl losing her virginity in anyway, but a comical way is also fucking creepy, child-molesty, rape-y type of shit. It’s kind of weird regardless, but some people have “funny” virginity losing stories. Anyway…

Guys don’t want a virgin.

I blame religion for distorting Mackenzie’s brain and by religion I also mean TWILIGHT. Or books of that ilk because that is written by a crazed religion brain person trying to not-so-thinly veil her religious thoughts into another religion, which is young adult romance novels.

Comedian Tom Rhodes has been doing a stand-up joke since as long as I can remember about that idea in Islam when you die or when you martyr yourself or whatever that you go to heaven and you get 72 virgins… and that Mr. Rhodes doesn’t want 72 “virgins”, but more or less 72 straight-up whores who know a lot about having good sex.

That’s the thing, folks… sex is best when your partner knows what in the fuck they’re doing!

It’s a pretty fucking great time when you’re having sex with someone who knows how to make you feel good like really knows how well to do it like should be given a gold medal on how good they are at making you feel good. Also, a good time is when that person also knows how to make themselves feel good by using you. You know? Unless you’re a sociopath as mentioned, you should want to get off and you should want your sexual partner to get off as well.

Fucking, in my opinion, from a guy’s point of view should not be sexy because you’re the first to get up in them guts. That’s fucking creepy.

Busting a hymen? That’s fucking creepy. It’s fucking creepy! That is giving me douche chills thinking about how creepy that is.

I know the hymen could be long gone by the time a girl loses her virginity, but it’s still creepy to be into de-virginizing virgins.

Obviously, it happens. Guys having sex with virgins, but if that’s what a dude “wants” then that dude is a fucking creep.

Just saying…

What else happened on last night’s episode?

Well, we found out that New Jersey native Ashley I. is a virgin! WOOOOOOO!!!

It’s her decision to be a virgin at 26 years old and that’s cool and I guess she’ll one day decide to lose her virginity to some guy and that guy could be a cool guy who simply wants to have sex with Ashley I. because he thinks she’s nice and pretty and he likes Italian girls and they both want to travel Italy and they both love the Giants and they both thought Crystal Clear Pepsi was underrated and they both hate U2 and they both listened to “Serial” and think Adnan and Jay did it together and all of that adds up to this guy wanting to put his jank in her stank and that’s romantic in my book.

BUT! If that same dude is like, “You’re a virgin? That’s great because I love fucking virgins!” then that guy has probably committed 15 sex crimes in his life. See the difference?

Back to the episode, Ashley I. is not a virgin – at least anymore – when it comes to tongue fucking because Ashley I. was one of 6 or 7 girls that made out with dear ole’ Chris at some point in last night’s episode.

I’ve become not a fan of Chris.

I wasn’t in love with Chris last season, but I did like a couple of things he said or did. As mentioned in last week’s episode/season premiere, one major reason I didn’t like Chris is that he’s more or less looking for a maid to have kids with who is cool with living in the house he already has in Iowa. In that way, he’s a pretty standard misogynist and outside of having a charming overbite and squinty eyes – I don’t really get his appeal.

Anyway, I think Chris came off really bad in this episode as he said absolutely nothing to these girls, 100% focused on their looks, and made out with half of them. But at the same time, I guess that’s exactly what this show is about and maybe I just haven’t gotten fully comfortable with that.

I don’t know what I’m expecting or why I should be expecting anything, but Chris’ first group “date” was having the girls wear bikinis, take them away for one-on-one time to make out with them, make the girls walk through Los Angeles in just their bikinis, ride tractors in just their bikinis, and ditch most of them to go make out with the weirdo 21 year old who he knew nothing about then found out she was a weirdo when she started talking about aliens and then she told him she was a mom – how did he not know that already? – then he stuck his tongue down her throat.

Everyone hated Juan Pablo because all he did was kiss the chicks and that’s all Chris is doing if not more so, so I hope people are hating Chris… and if they’re not then they should have to answer to that.

Also, maybe it’s just me, but the girls this season seem dumber than on Juan Pablo’s season. I have only seen that season, but these chicks seem fucking stupid. Like actually not smart. And, apparently, half of them are in mourning.

That’s what we keep finding out about these chicks this season – SOMEONE JUST DIED IN THEIR LIFE!

It feels like any time one of these chicks has a moment with Chris or really with each other they go into a story that someone in their life just up and died and joining the Bachelor is how they’re handling their grief. It’s fucking weird. Like wanting to fuck virgins weird.

Outside of that, I don’t remember too much happening minus Ashley S. acting exactly as crazy as she did in the season premiere, but this time it was on a group date. Although, there is something going on with her insanity because in the season premiere she kept saying she was seeing “onions”, big ones and then the next thing you know – she picked a pomegranate off a tree, which do look like big ass onions. In this episode, Ashley S. was acting like a loon and then was shown crawling around on the ground, so you think she’s fucking cray cray, but the camera pans over and there’s a fucking cat chilling there and she’s trying to catch it. So maybe she’s just too observant that it has removed her verbal skills. She’s only a couple more quirks away from talking like Jodie Foster in “Nell”, but you have to give her credit – she’s found pomegranates and a cat … what have these other bitches done?

Oh yeah, the second group date was this bullshit paintball zombie hunting thing. They drove a limo of the girls to some off the reservation, broken down factory looking industrial site in the middle of the night, and then they started having someone run around the limo and then smack on the windows to scare the shit out of them because the idea of being kidnapped, raped, and murdered is hilarious and a great way to start off a date, Disney.

Then they gave the chicks paintball guns and had them shoot at minimum wage workers dressed as zombies, but I didn’t notice any paintballs actually being fired, so I think they just had the girls run around some dark, dingy place and scream for an hour while carrying a suped up laser sight. Great date. Fuck this show.

Chris ended up kicking off Tara who was a drunk mess last week and was a crying mess this week and then she gave a tearful goodbye speech to the camera, which sounded exactly like a suicide note. Hopefully, Tara is ok. The other Jersey chick Alissa got the boot and I think the most she said to Chris was goodbye when he kicked her off. My sleeper pick of Jordan was apparently a terrible one because she turned out to be a wine-o and she got kicked off. They showed almost nothing of her in the first episode and then in the second episode we found out that she spent every second she was on the Bachelor just drinking. She had no dates or group dates with Chris either, so there’s that. And lastly, Chris kicked off Kimberly for the SECOND TIME!

I got caught up in the virgin stuff that I forgot to mention that crazy Kimberly the yoga instructor who was kicked off in the first episode and was shown walking back into the house at the end of the episode as the cliffhanger, she got brought back onto the show. Kimberly confronts Chris and he lets her back on the show. Why? Because he’s a coward. Seriously.

Chris gives Kimberly her way and then doesn’t spend a second of time with her and then kicks her off… AGAIN!

Chris hates Kimberly! HATES HER! He kicked her off TWICE without getting to know her in the least bit either time. It’s actually amazing. She’s 28, supposedly graduated from college, is a yoga instructor, and is from Long Island. AND CHRIS FUCKING HATES HER GUTS. Too funny.

In Kimberly’s bio, her three favorite movies are “Shawshank Redemption”, “Another Earth”, and “Stepmom”. Can’t argue with the first, I give her props for the second, and I’m baffled by the third, but – either way – she’s GONE-ZO because CHRIS CAN’T STAND THE FUCKING SIGHT OF HER!!

TWICE! KICKED HER OFF TWICE IN TWO EPISODES!!! AHHHH!!! HE HATES HER!!!

Anyway… Chris sucks.

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