The Bachelor 19 – episode 3 – Guys STILL do NOT want VIRGINS!!!

January 27, 2015

Hello all!

Honestly, I don’t know what’s the shadiest of the shady fucking things going on in this world. You decide…

1. KFC Hot Dog

2. Sarah Palin’s Iowa Freedom Summit speech

3. The Republican Iowa Freedom Summit, in general

4. Apparently, me skipping a recap of episode 2 – SORRY!!!!

5. #DeflateGate being pinned on some minimum wage employee stealing a dozen or so game balls and deflating them in the bathroom during halftime and then putting them back where the game balls should be without anyone noticing nor prompting him to do it in the least bit because none of that makes a God damn lick of sense

6. Chris choosing to keep Britt, Ashley I., and Samantha

Seriously!?!?!?! Samantha!?!?

WHO IS SAMANTHA?!?!?!

Let’s get really real, up until last night’s episode, did you even know there was a chick on the show named Samantha and/or Jade?

SERIOUSLY!!! Where did they come from? Did Chris even notice that they’re just bringing in new white chicks to the house who totally weren’t there before? Honestly, how could he notice? There’s just this wallpaper of white women faces in there and they’ve got him sucking down Fireball whiskey and he admits his brain is slow and these white women are almost always in bikinis when he sees them, so he’s just staring at the good parts.

On top of that, Chris has spoken maybe a dozen words this season and has listened to a girl speak maybe 2 dozen in return that haven’t been either a sob story about their whole family dying moments prior to the show’s open casting call or the pre/post amble to any makeout session they’ve just had.

I doubt Chris could pick any of these girls out of a line-up or distinguish them from each other with a word bank of trivia about each girl, but at this point he damn sure can differentiate them by the taste of their molars. Get IT! HE’S SPENT SO MUCH TIME SHOVING HIS TONGUE DOWN THEIR THROAT!!!! BESOS!! KISSES!!

Back to the matter at hand…

SUH-MAN-TA!! HEY YO!! WHO’S DA’ BOSS, SUH-MAN-TA!?! 

We as the viewers have totally not heard her speak and I have no idea if she’s even done anything even remotely memorable in the background of a 36 person group date.

Reading her ABC profile, I feel like I know nothing more about this entirely bland woman. The most interesting thing she said is that she considers herself both a “country person and a city person” and then goes on to say she lived in New York and LA and mentions that she lived near the country, but doesn’t say where AND her hometown is LA. So, I’m just going to say she’s a flat-out LIAR and she’s from Los Angeles and she’s a wannabe actress like the rest of these people.

But I digress, I think I’m just mad because Chris kicked off Ashley S., Nikki, and Jillian.

First thing first, Ashley S. was about the closest thing to real entertainment on this stupid fucking show. The rest of the girls on the show range from completely timid to a fault to completely insufferable emotional basket-cases. She brought some genuine levity to the show with crazy eyes, her coo-coo talk, and overall coming across like an actually interesting person to try and figure out as opposed to the blithering, crying, virgin, possible Kardashian clan stalker Ashley I.

Are you fucking telling me that you aren’t BEYOND curious what a 1 on 1 date with Ashley S. was going to be like? Or better yet!!!! ASHLEY S.’s HOMETOWN! Oh my fucking God, I would legitimately pay money to watch that looney blonde take a camera crew around “her” Brooklyn. HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! Endless possibilities!

As for Nikki, she had maybe 5 seconds of airtime and it was her boobs falling out of a wedding dress they needlessly put her and several other chicks into this episode to run through the mud. I don’t know if we ever saw her talk or do anything on the show prior to that, but all of a sudden Nikki was there and there was a giant window to show of inner-side boobs.

Nikki was certainly attractive and more so attractive like how a woman is attractive instead of how Ashley I. or Britt or Mackenzie parade around as sexy-baby Bratz Dolls. Can you tell that I don’t like Ashley I.?

As for Jillian, she did seem pretty annoying on the 1 on 1 date and I wasn’t a fan of her constantly flexing her biceps, but Chris came off like an asshole even if he was being honest when he kicked her off the show in the middle of their “romantic” 1 on 1 date because he couldn’t imagine her in the least bit as his wife. That’s thoroughly true that they’re not a good match, but Chris is a fucking personality-less overbite in a suit and for him to pretend that he’s at all being charming or at all creating an inviting atmosphere for these chicks or at all saying or doing anything that is attractive back toward these random ass broads then he’s fucking lying to himself.

Either way, yeah, muscles had to go because if the main contribution to the table is how big your biceps are – man or woman – you’ve got to go.

Besides those three un-marry-ables, Chris also gave the boot to Juelia who was doomed from the start as seemingly her only reason to be on the show was to tell Chris her child’s father killed himself. There are a litany of chicks on this show who has experienced a terrible loss and then IMMEDIATELY joined this TV show. It’s fucked up and they shouldn’t have.

“Hey Chris, can we have some alone time away from this group date of you watching 8 chicks in bikinis horse around in a pool while you drink beers and laugh? Yes, that’s great! Because I just wanted to tell you about the recent death of my father/grandfather/boyfriend/husband/entire-extended-family and then I’m going to pretend that this awkward confession on TV went well and you’re going to totally want to make out with me just as much as the others. Yay!”

Also, Juelia made a claim that being a single mother is the hardest thing to do in the world. I’m not arguing for or against that, but I will criticize that the person who is saying that simply dropped off her kid to be watched for upwards of 6+ weeks, so she could fart around on a dating TV show. Not saying she’s wrong, just saying she’s a terrible messenger for that cause.

What else happened on the show?

VIRGINS!!! THEY’RE MULTIPLYING!!!

If you didn’t know from the SIX THOUSAND TIMES Ashley I. mentioned it this week and last week, that thoroughly uninteresting bag of jealous tears is a 26 year old virgin. Ashley I. talked endlessly about it and cried about it and all the while acted not virginly in the least bit as she wore less clothes than any other girl on the show and snuck into Chris’ tent on the group date to dry hump him and furiously make out with him.

Back to the point, Ashley I. is a virgin and she’s telling everyone on the show with the same dramatic seriousness as Pedro illuminated to the cast of 1994’s Real World: San Francisco that he had AIDS.

Do you know what’s not interesting? Ashley I. being a virgin. It’s kind of weird. Unless she was really religious. Her keeping her virginity and yet talking about it incessantly is very weird. It’s also to the point in my opinion that if a person who could easily have had sex or have had a relationship hasn’t then they’re simply refusing to almost out of spite or because they think they’re too good for what’s been possible. Like if I said I wouldn’t ever try lobster until I’m eating it at the top of the world’s tallest building. You could totally eat lobster where ever and you could totally get good lobster if not great lobster where ever, but if Ashley I. is waiting for a “River Runs Through It” Brad Pitt to take her virginity then that’s on her and she’s a fucking sociopath.

Besides that, Ashley I. is not the only 20+ year old virgin… we’ve got Becca!

FOR THE LIFE OF ME, I cannot remember Becca’s face. Every time they show Becca on TV my brain does not compute who she is and then Disney puts up the prompt that she’s Becca and I’m like right there’s a fucking “Becca” on the show and I can’t remember her.

Well, she’s a virgin. And she hasn’t talked or cried about that fact incessantly for three episodes, so I guess it’s possible and that makes me hate Ashley I. even more.

I don’t really know about Becca, but the virginity thing just adds to how childlike or more so annoying middle schooler Ashley I. appears to be at all times. UGH!!! And then Ashley I. wouldn’t shut up about wanting to be a princess and then dressed up like she was going to prom only to sit in Chris’ house while he wasn’t there as she ate corn on the cob and drank white wine. She’s a fucking psycho.

Ashley I. should book a oneway ticket to Saudi Arabia and give it all she has to be one of 50 wives of some oil tycoon prince and get off my TV screen forever.

Was there any bright spots this episode?

JADE!!

Jade was a huge bright spot.

And by Jade’s huge bright spot, I mean…

THERE’S A JADE ON THE SHOW AND SHE HAS BIG BOOBS!!!

Did you know that? I didn’t! And I’ve been watching this fucking show!

Chris’ three sisters show up to the house and interview the 5 or so girls who were not chosen to go on a shitty camp date where they stripped down to their bikinis and played in some random ass lake and had to set up their own tents.

The sisters talked to Whitney the fertility chick who looks like Angela from the Office and sounds like a Powderpuff Girl, Britt the possible Hollywood escort, Carly who probably makes the most sense for Chris (from Texas and is all top teeth smiles as well) but she’s kind of disappearing into the background at the moment and I can’t remember if she’s the one with grand-daddy issues or not, and maybe a few others I can’t remember.

Either way, the sisters chose Jade who I did not know was a human being on the show until she was chosen and she went on this cross-promotion Disney date all designed to push the new Cinderella movie.

What we learned from the date was that there is a Jade, she’s got a healthy set of boobs on her, and she seemed thoroughly low key as well as not batshit crazy… aka Jade may be the fucking frontrunner for the show.

Outside of that…

Kelsey came across has phenomenally sane for pointing out how shitty that lake group date was as well as how shitty the whole experience has been as far as trying to fall in love with Chris… but she’s also phenomenally insane because she did sign up for this bullshit and she’s still there thinking that she’s going to fall in love with a guy who is making out nutty virgins in front of her. So, two steps forward, one step back for Kelsey.

Lastly…

BRITT QUESTIONED CHRIS!!! 

How dare that trollop question the Almighty Chris!?!?!?! What gall that clown make-up wearing tart has to even raise a single query to the infallible Farmer Chris!?!?!

Basically, Britt was like, “Remember how we made out first? Well, I see you making out with all these other girls and you’re not only making out with me and I don’t feel special anymore. What up wit dat?”

And then Chris proceeded to stutter and uhhhh his way through 6 seconds of awkward air time up there with Sarah Palin’s speech in Iowa over the weekend and that’s when Chris just got out of the situation and then later came into the room of ladies EXACTLY AS JUAN PABLO DID and say to them, “if you question me then you can leave” more or less. Brilliant! He’s such a fucking charmer, right? He’s so fucking romantic and wonderful with him making out with whomever allows him to and then he can’t put two words together without his brain imploding and then if he’s questioned about anything he flips out and tells you you have the right to remove yourself because he’s clearly not a person who can deal with confrontations in the least bit.

In the premiere, Chris tried to get the show to remove a chick, so he wouldn’t have to. And now, he’s trying to get the women to remove themselves, so he doesn’t have to. Seems like a real stand-up and swell guy.

He ended up keeping Britt and I don’t like Britt, but that was one of the most honest parts of the show right there showing what a dimwit Chris is.

Britt said to Chris that she heard girls were taking their clothes off at the lake and Kaitlyn was one of them. And then Chris gave the rose to Kaitlyn. Britt asks what did Kaitlyn do at the lake that made her deserve the rose? Because it seemed like to Britt she got it for taking her clothes off. And Chris had ZERO fucking answers or complete sentences to respond to that question.

Britt may or may not admit it, but she got the first rose because of similar tactics. She gave Chris a huge hug the first time they saw each other at the premiere and let it linger forever. Then the next time they saw each other they hugged some more and she said she thought they were going to make out. Then later in the same premiere episode she got the first rose and made out with Chris. I think Britt knows what type of behavior gets roses.

Yeah…

We got an average amount of snow from an average snow storm. I’m not complaining.

Danielle’s office closed for Monday and Tuesday, so I sat on the couch drinking Modello Especials while watching Steve Harvey’s Family Feud and enjoyed myself. Thanks Juno!

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