The Bachelor 19 – episode 4 – I am honestly scared of these women

February 3, 2015

HOWDY!!!

HOLY SHIT BALLS ARE THESE CHICKS CRAZY!!!

After the episode last night, I turned to Danielle and asked her, “Is there any of these girls you actually like?” And after a few seconds of “uhhhhhhh”, Danielle gave the least assuring answer of “Becca???” So, that’s a no. There is no that is likable.

Then Danielle remembered Whitney and we had a quick discussion that Whitney has toned down her obviously manufactured cartoon, sexy-baby voice and if she could continue doing that and just speak like a normal female then she is obviously the most likable of the girls on the show.

Do you hear that, Whit? Stop your shitty child voice and start talking like a woman and you’ll get the famous NewHarv seal of approval!!!

So, what happened last night?

BITCHES GOT CRAY!!!

Specifically… KELSEY.

Let’s work up to the end of the episode where Kelsey goes full Gone Girl, which was really the “best” part of the episode.

On the premiere episode, I found Kelsey to be pretty insufferable. Then Kelsey kind of melded with the background for a couple weeks. Then Kelsey gained some fandom from me when she shit on the stupid group date of playing in a crappy lake in a bikini and how she’s grown to hate all the women on the show. Agreed, Kels. BUT… Kelsey went full nutball last night.

First off, did anyone else notice Kelsey telling Jordan – “I’ll always admire you?” Uhhhhh, what the fuck?

For a minute there, JORDAN showed up – a cool two weeks after being kicked off for being a drunk mess – at the hotel the show was staying at in Santa Fe, New Mexico like a fucking well-dressed stalker. In the most horrible manufactured bit of surprise reality TV, Jordan just stumbles upon where the show is in Santa Fe and times it just right to grab Chris for a little one-on-one time right before he goes on a group dinner date with the ladies.

Jordan tells Chris that she’s been sent there from God, which stupid ass Chris responds to. Also, she admits she’s a drunk and she’s going to work on that, but that Chris didn’t get to know the not drunk Jordan – who I’m sure is thoroughly less interesting than the drunk Jordan. Either way, there was a tense 20 minutes of deciding whether or not Chris should bring Jordan back on the show.

Insane-o virgin-o ASHLEY I. is thoroughly against Jordan coming back because rightfully so, it’s more competition for the man that she has randomly decided will break her hymen. Meanwhile, Whitney gets WAY TOO involved in this debate of what Chris should or should not do and shows off a bit of a bitchy side, which was almost as unattractive as the weird baby-voice she turns on and off when she thinks she’s being charming. So, Ashley I. and Whitney sparred a little and, in the end, Chris decides to not keep Jordan and to kick her off the show for the SECOND time.

If you’re keeping track like I am… Chris kicked Kimberly off twice, Jordan off twice, and asked the TV show to kick Tara off, but they wouldn’t, so he kicked her off the next week. I count that as three double kickoffs. Solid stuff.

Anyway, as Jordan was leaving only moments after she arrived for no reason whatsoever, Kelsey gives Jordan a big hug and says, “I’ll always admire you.” What the fuck? You’ll always ADMIRE the chick who got so drunk she got kicked off the show the first time to only stalk the show and try to get back on in an underhanded way to only get kicked off for a second time? That’s who you are ALWAYS admiring? If that was the only crazy thing Kelsey did then that would be enough.

Seriously, I’ll always admire you. I feel like that’s a phrase I will only utter when I’m at the bedside deathbed of Conan O’Brien. I mean it’s going to be in like 50 years, but he’ll be 101 years old and he will have become my mentor in his 60’s and I’ll be a weepy 82 year old.

But I digress…

Like several others on this show, Kelsey has just experienced someone very dear to her dying right before she turned around and joined the casting of The Bachelor… and it’s her only crazy desire to unleash that burden of knowledge upon Chris in the most inopportune moments. And I’d like to report Kelsey did just that!

Right before the cocktail party before the rose ceremony, Kelsey just wanders off and finds Chris. The two of them sit down and Kelsey is all smiles and she tells him she’s stealing him away for some time alone. Chris looks at her like a horny labrador and that’s when Kelsey happily drops the atomic bomb on Chris’ stupid brain that she was married up until May 2013 when her husband died suddenly of congestive heart failure.

BONERS TIME, AM I RIGHT?!?!?!?

She tells him this. He doesn’t know what to do for a moment. Then Chris knows exactly what to do and he starts making out with Kelsey. Then Kelsey tells the world in her confessional that that went perfectly and that she “loves her story” and her “story is amazing” and then with a big toothy overbite smile returns to the girls and tells them what happened. The girls are all “what the fuck” all over their faces and then Chris comes out to tell them something, but then leaves and cries on the balcony by himself.

This is followed by the host Chris talking to idiot face Chris and then host Chris tells the girls that idiot face Chris is canceling the cocktail hour – which idiot face Chris cannot tell them that because he’s a coward – and they’re going immediately to the rose ceremony.

This news is met by Kelsey walking off and then having a nervous breakdown in the hallway while the other girls continue to sit in the lobby and listen to her moaning and crying and they don’t care and the episode ends with a production assistant saying they need to call 911 and then a big fat “to be continued” over dumb ass Kelsey’s dumb ass fake ass crying face.

So, Kelsey told Chris her husband died May 2013. This show was taped in 2014, so it’s like a year later at best that her HUSBAND JUST UP AND DIED AND NOW SHE’S TRYING TO FUCK A GAMESHOW CONTESTANT.

So, Kelsey feels that she has to tell Chris that her husband died before the rose ceremony. Why? Because she hasn’t gotten the chance to tell him and she’s worried he isn’t going to keep her on the show long enough for her to tell him that her husband died suddenly a year ago. Isn’t that about the most fucked up thing you could do?

The prevailing idea in all of that is that Chris wouldn’t really care about knowing Kelsey in general or at least as much as he wants to know the other girls first and he’s proven that by not giving her a one-on-one date. With that being said, Kelsey knows that the only thing that will provide her some leverage as far as him wanting to know more about her at all is that her husband has been dead for about a year. That’s it. Kelsey knows that’s the ONLY thing she HAS to tell Chris before he kicks her off the show in favor of him learning more about the other girls. So, the only thing truly interesting about Kelsey in her own mind is that her husband died.

The only chip or card she can play in this game is that her husband died and somehow that is going to make Chris fall in love with her or at least for him to give her the first chance for him to fall in love with her. AND SHE LOVES IT. She literally says “I love my story”. That’s a level of psychotic that I don’t think anyone could expect on a Disney TV show, which is saying something.

So, that’s Kelsey. She’s scary as fuck and, genuinely, appears to have something wrong with her.

Who else had some time on the show?

CARLY

Well, our favorite and our only cruise ship singer Carly doesn’t think guys want to fuck her and she’s all sadz about that. Apparently, Carly dated a guy for an inordinate amount of time who did not want to touch her or have her touch his willy. I believe that is what we call a gay man. I believe Carly dated a very closeted and shamed gay man and his series of lies got Carly worried that no man wanted to fuck her, which is the opposite of how I would bet 99% of the women in the world feel. Has Carly not seen the video of the girl walking around New York City getting catcalled at? Maybe she hasn’t because I couldn’t get a fucking cell signal or internet on the cruise ship I was on last year.

Either way, Carly goes on a “date” with Chris where the two of them hang out with some annoying white woman who claims she’s a love guru or whatever and she looks like an anti-vaxxer who wants to raise cattle in her house to restart the black plague in Santa Fe, New Mexico.

Carly and Chris do some experimenting where she sits on his lap and the two breathe into each other’s mouths, which was violently unnerving. Also, Carly made a big deal about Chris seeing her in her sports bra – why? They’ve spent 80% of the show so far in bikinis, who cares about you and your sports bra standing next to the most annoying hippie on Earth?

Minus all the baggage Carly is bringing with her sexuality doesn’t like being touched issues, I did gain a modicum of respect for Carly realizing how messed up it is/was for Chris to kiss filthy ass Britt in front of the other girls.

BRITT

Apparently, Britt doesn’t shower. At all.

How is that even possible? Amazingly, Britt is still the front-runner on the show as Chris can’t simply not get enough of her. I think right there shows a lot of problems in Chris’ brain. He can’t get enough of a pencil-thin, clown make-up woman who I can only assume must stink of perfume. Like loads and loads of perfume on top of the loads and loads of make-up she wears on her face.

I’m not saying I’m particularly smart when it comes to make-up. I am probably pretty dumb when it comes to make-up. BUT!! If I’m two inches from a woman’s face who is wearing make-up, I’m a fucking genius at spotting it. Seriously, it doesn’t take much to be right in someone’s grill and notice that they are wearing make-up and lots of make-up at that if they are and, clearly, that’s a turn-on for Chris. That’s not a turn-on for me personally, but that’s clearly a turn-on for him. With that being a turn-on for him, a lot of these chicks who think he’s some salt-of-the-earth, country boy need to realize if they haven’t already that that isn’t who he is and he’s not truly attracted to a girl who would fit that persona.

If Britt is not showering and Britt is wearing a ton of make-up — puts on make-up to go to bed — then there is simply no way she doesn’t stink like a perfume bottle exploded on her like a water balloon at every waking moment. I’m not into that. Chris apparently is into that. These girls who are on the show need to realize that. The idea he wants some iconic All-American woman, well, obviously not. He really likes the teensy, make-up wearing, perfume stinking chick who has half a brain in her head. That’s the girl who is winning and with Ashley I., Megan, and Mackenzie still around – it really points to him liking that more so than one of the chicks who would like to think they’re the attractive girl next door type.

With that being said… was I the last person watching this show to find out JADE did softcore porn?

How did I miss this?!!?!

Jade did nothing this week. She appeared in the background a couple times and that’s about it.

Last week, Jade was the focus of a huge chunk of the episode with her being Cinderella. But I was finally let on in a “secret” that Jade has a bunch of nudie pics out there. C’mon people! So, the girl who was specifically chosen as the “best” by Chris’ sisters also happens to have a mess of full nude photos and some like softcore lesbian style stuff out there as well. I’m not judging because that’s pretty awesome as far as entertainment. Either his sisters are oblivious and/or they are like their brother and/or know their brother’s likes and thought it best to pass over Whitney and Carly and so forth to shack their brother up with the nudie mag model Jade.

Brilliant.

Other notes… SAMANTHA SPOKE! They haven’t shown that woman speak or get spoken to in several episodes and they finally had her say a word in a confessional. Still no one on one time with Chris. One can only assume she’s newly orphaned and she’s done BBC porn. And KAITLYN didn’t do much this episode, but I do enjoy that half of the time she’s shown she is clearly buzzed to plastered on wine. Her hair is a mess, her lipstick is smeared, she’s kind of fuzzy with her speech, she’s super tired… well… maybe she’s just banging Chris or a cameraman or something – who knows.

I don’t know why I watch this show.

Thanks for reading.

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