The Bachelor 19 – episode 5 – South Dakota is not romantic

February 10, 2015

What. Up. FUCK-… I don’t need to be that way. What’s up, beautiful souls!

So, last night was in a word a whirlwind.

It was also nothing like a whirlwind because it was simply another episode of the minsogynst dating show The Bachelor, which is less like a whirlwind and more like two hours of my time I give away to the ever-churning quicksand known as life.

Oh, Lord, why don’t I have the constitution to learn a second language or read repair manuals to fix my house or, at the very least, rather workout than watch this shit show that is a shit-show?

Either way, last night’s ep was filled with chicks getting tossed out on the dirt road known as loneliness once again from the beginning of the episode to the end. Somewhere in between we saw two enemies fight a twisted mental battle amongst a rocky desert landscape reminiscent of the first “Hulk” movie where the “Hulk” savagely killed US military fighter pilots and tank “pilots”. Tank drivers? Tank gunners and drivers? Why are both of the Hulk movies, so anti-American military? They’re like the anti-“American Sniper”.

First thing first, Danielle and I watched the first half of this episode aka the FIRST HOUR with the TV on mute. It wasn’t because we were doing silly voices guessing what butthole Chris was saying or what one of the idiot broads were saying. No. We were going back and forth talking to different vets trying to figure out what is happening with the most greatest dog to ever exist, nay GREATEST CREATURE to ever exist – Coco. She’s got this mast cell tumor on her leg and she needs to have surgery to get removed and I just want her to be healthy and to live a long life where, eventually, when I’m 101 years old and I die diving in front of a plasma rifle blast that would have eviscerated an orphanage on the 8th moon of Jupiter, Coco will eulogize me and then she’ll be injected with an immortality serum, which will enabler her to look after generation’s on my and Danielle’s lineage with adorable looks and smelly audible farts.

So, we didn’t hear what butthole moron Chris was saying to the ladies and we didn’t hear what those Stockholm Syndrome emotional wrecks were saying to each other and we didn’t get a glimpse into the non-conversation that Becca and sphincter Chris were having on their 1-on-1 date in the woods.

THE FUCKING WOODS?!?!?!!?

Seriously, did anyone inform Disney that the recession is over?

This season assface Chris took these girls on such exotic dates as backyard barbecue, middle of nowhere lake barbecue and tent sleeping, South Dakota, and the fucking woods of South Dakota.

Idiot Chris took Becca aka the virgin who doesn’t speaketh aboutith her virginity-ith on a date into the woods and they shot guns and hopped a fence and probably didn’t share any real feelings because idiot Chris can’t string a few words together to create a proper sentence and Becca didn’t tell Chris she’s a virgin, which they teased her freaking out about that in one of the TWO episodes next week.

I wonder if dumbass Chris asked about Becca’s ability to handle herself in “social situations”, which the more and more he says that is really a not-so-subtle code for “I SUCK AT TALKING AND REALLY EVERYTHING, SO YOU NEED TO TALK FOR ME LIKE I’M A BABY!! I’M A BIG BABY WHO CAN’T TALK!! WAAHHHHH!! CHANGE ME!!! But before you do that make-out with me or don’t get freaked out when I make-out with some other chick in front of you. WAAHHH!!!”

Who cares? I skipped the rose ceremony.

ROSE CEREMONY!!!

The cliffhanger from last week’s episode was solved in the opening moments of this episode as Kelsey’s panic attack was an act as everyone assumed and clearly acted like because none of the girls seemed to give a shit if it was or was not real. I know dumb Chris is dumb, but if he spent 5 seconds with these girls without sneaking off tongue fuck Britt then he would see how all of them hate the fuck out of Kelsey and not saying that “bitches hatin’ bitches” isn’t a real thing, but there is something to be said for a person who can get along with people versus marrying someone who is universally disliked by everyone she meets.

The rose ceremony concluded with Mackenzie and Samantha getting kicked the fuck off the show.

Honestly, they spent ZERO time on Samantha. By “they”, I mean the editors and fucknut Chris. The most we heard Samantha talk was right before she got kicked off the fucking show, she had a moment where she expressed a real hesitancy to the rose ceremony that she hasn’t spoken to fucknut Chris and she thought she would get kicked off. Yeah, no shit!

As for Mackenzie, I was a little shocked she was just gone-zo and they didn’t really make a big deal out of it. She had a decent amount of screen time leading up to this with her non-stop talk about aliens and her belief that a 34 year old man would be into fucking a virgin. I’m glad he kicked her off because she needs to get back to that kid of hers and she also seemed like an idiot and she was 12 years old, so it was pretty gross that jerkoff Chris was making out with her.

The rest of the episode was for the most part split-up into two themes…

BRITT

and

KELSEY

I talked about this before, but if Britt isn’t showering then she must stink in general and stink of perfume. She’s smeared her face with make-up, she’s a stick figure, her positivity is thoroughly manufactured, and she must stink of fake flowers. And fuckhead Chris fucking loves her! So, that’s really what he likes. This hometown, All-American girl blah blah blah is bullshit. Chris wants pixie thin, tons of make-up, and doused in a bucket of hairspray and perfume, which is fine, but it’s not the image he’s pretending to have.

It’s fucking obvious though that’s what he wants. And it should have been obvious before the show started because Chris is not who he pretends to be or at least not who Disney makes him pretend to be.

Chris is a farmer from Iowa, right? No.

Chris is a guy who wants to be famous? Yes.

He’s on a motherfucking dating TV show… FOR THE SECOND TIME! He isn’t a farmer. Farmers are out farming! Isn’t that fucking obvious? Chris is not out farming! Chris is on his second round of being an attention whore on TV. He’s a fucking puppet with an overbite prancing around on TV doing whatever some producer is telling him to do. Hey, moron Chris, pose over there. Actually, take your shirt off and look this way. You know what? How about you sit in just a pair of cowboy boots that are not yours and have you sit ass naked in a metal tub? Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pose that as a question – that’s a fucking order. DO IT, YOU DUMB MONKEY! YOU DO WHATEVER I SAY BECAUSE YOU WANT TO BE ON THE TEE VEE!!!!

And it’s not like he wants to be on TV to show the world his great ability at anything. He just wants to be People Magazine famous for being on TV doing whatever. He doesn’t care. A person who wants to be celebrity for the sake of being a celebrity is a…

PHONY!

Chris is a phony, which makes him perfect for Los Angeles. And Britt is a great for Chris and Los Angeles because she too is a phony. She’s got the make-up, the perfume, the fakeness of actually saying shit she doesn’t mean all the time… so… THEY’RE PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER!!!

Except, Britt will probably self-destruct because she doesn’t want Chris – she wants to be famous as well. Neither of them want each other. Both of them just want to be on TV, so when shit gets real Britt will end up getting in her own way, so that she won’t win because she really doesn’t want to win because she’s really competing for this TV stuff to get her more TV stuff and that TV stuff doesn’t involve flattering Chris anymore, but flattering someone else.

Rant over for the moment…

BIG & RICH show up for a group date where scrotum Chris takes the girls to a bar in Deadwood, South Dakota for them to write country songs and for Chris to make out with Britt in front of them and to eventually just grab Britt and run away from the rest of the girls and make out with her on stage at a Big & Rich concert and then to come back to the girls and pretend like everything is cool de la.

The group date was stupid and just made me mad thinking about how ungodly wealthy those two numbnuts Big & Rich are. I don’t like pop country music, actually I find it insulting for the most part and the huge swath of Americans that buy into it scare me for the most part. Anyway…

Carly – the cruise ship singer – turns out to be the best singer, which didn’t matter because as mentioned overbite face Chris was too busy making out with Britt to care about what the other girls were doing.

Also, Carly is looking like she is moments away from a psychotic break. She looks like a first time watcher of “Requiem for a Dream” at least three times an episode – wide-eyed, haggard, and ready to start shaking and rocking back and forth like a lunatic.

After all the Britt stuff was over…

It was time…

For the clash between…

VIRGIN…

and…

MANIAC!!!!

KELSEY vs. ASHLEY I.

Honestly, I was hoping for more. The build-up was great. For whatever reason, there was a 2-on-1 date to begin with. Not sure why you would have that for any other reason than to make these girls outright hate each other… oh right, that was the point. Anyway…

The build-up was fun as Ashley I. and Kelsey readied for a war with each other as they were helicoptered out to the middle of some deserted mountain range and sat on a canopy bed outside with waste of space Chris.

It was awkward and silent, which is really what most of waste of space Chris’ dates have been. He doesn’t talk, so it wasn’t that crazy that there wasn’t any talking on the date when the three of them were on the bed in the middle of a desert together.

Shit got drama-fied when dumb dumb Chris took Ashley I. aside for some alone time, which promptly started with face-sucking. FACE-SUCKING! It’s not kissing. We’re dealing with a 26 year old virgin who by her on accounts was a glasses and braces wearing nerd who sat in a corner and had no friends up until recently when she decided she was going to be a knock off Kardashian sister. So, she’s awkward as fuck with her sexuality. We’ve all come across some bad kissers or at the very least have heard tales of them and Ashley I. is one of them. She also could be just a fucking crazy person who is nervous as fuck as she is trying to suck stupid Chris’ face to get him to like her like the 13 year old girl her brain is stuck as emotionally.

And then there’s stupid Chris whose teeth probably get in the way and I don’t think his brain works well, so he’s not good at kissing either, so they’re just sucking face for all to see.

This turns into Ashley I. saying that Kelsey is fake and no one likes her. Honestly, she is being honest, right? But it is trash talk too.

Dummy Chris returns Ashley I. to the bed and takes Kelsey away on a walk and he just blurts out to Kelsey what Ashley I. told him and then Kelsey gets all crazy in this monotone voice and warped language and proves yet again what real scary crazy is as opposed to simply just whacky crazy that Ashley S. was. I mean Ashley S. was crazy like a bunny rabbit crazy… I miss Ashley S. and I lament the hometown that could have been with her cooky eyes leading the way.

So, Ashley I. and Kelsey have a little back and forth while stupid Chris is off peeing on a cactus or something and Ashley I. has a fucking cry-a-thon for no other reason than she’s not equipped to handle emotions and then she cries in front of stupid Chris and then stupid Chris looks stupid and then…

HE KICKS THEM BOTH OFF THE SHOW!!!

Dumb dumb Chris tells Ashley I. the two of them are in two different places in life, which is pretty true. And, he tells Kelsey that no one likes her and that’s concerning and he can’t handle drama, so she’s got to go as well.

Meanwhile, the other girls are sitting in some shitty hotel room in Deadwood, South Dakota with nothing to do besides drink wine and look at a packed luggage bag for Ashley I. and one for Kelsey. Then some mute PA walks in and takes Ashley I.’s bag, which makes the girls tiny brains go into a tailspin as they can’t imagine a world that they want to live in where Kelsey is a winner at anything and big boobs Megan falls into a depression because her nutty, spider-eye-lashes-having leader Ashley I. is gone-zo.

A few minutes later, the same mute PA comes in and takes Kelsey’s bag and the girls go ape shit and start pounding shots that the craziest of them all is going home.

I would’ve grabbed that mute PA and been like, “WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?!?!?! SAY SOMETHING?!?!?!?! GET ME OUT OF DEADWOOD!!!” But those women are amazingly more patient than me.

So…

We’ve got Becca, Britt, Carly, Jade, Kaitlyn, Megan, and Whitney left.

I do not see Megan making it through the next cut.

They’re teasing that Jade tells the girls and seemingly doo doo brain Chrs about her softcore porn past. I feel like that’s going to be the end for her.

And, it looks like Britt is having a meltdown on the next episode, but I would be more surprised if Kaitlyn makes it. I feel like he spends little to no time with her and she does look pretty hammered in most scenes she’s in. Not sure if idiot face Chris notices that or not. It’s really all they have to do is drink, but they get all hypocritical about it when someone gets plastered.

I’m guessing Becca, Britt, Carly, and Whitney make it to the hometowns. I don’t know. Or sub out Britt for Jade or Kaitlyn or I don’t care.

I need a better hobby.

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