The Bachelor 19 – episode 6 & 7 – Just name the next Bachelorette already!

February 17, 2015

Howdy, yall!

The final hour is nigh! NIGH I SAY!!!! NIGH!!!

Yes, stupid fuck Chris is down to his final three ladies that he is most certainly not in love with nor are they in love with him. We, finally, arrived at this predicament after sitting through FIVE HOURS of Bachelor shit show across two nights.

I spent an exhaustive weekend at my sister’s wedding all the while freaking out in my head over Coco – most beloved creature in the whole wide world – having surgery to remove a small tumor on the back of her leg. So, right now, my brain in jello and I don’t remember exactly what happened on what episode exactly, so I’m just going to tackle the chicks in alphabetical order and what happened to them in their trials and tribulations with stupid fuck Chris.

Right before I get to that… the final three are…

KAITLYN, BECCA, and WHITNEY!!!!

WOOOOOOOO!!!!

We’ve got some random chick, a virgin, and White-ney. Sweet. Obviously, this is White-ney’s game to lose at this point and there’s a really good chance she’s going to lose it with her scary words. Stupid fuck Chris hates scary words! WORDS!! BOOOO!!!

Anyway, I’ll get to that later because Whitney is alphabetically last. First up… the lady with no doubt the tightest vagina of them all!!!!

BECCA

Ahhhhh, yes, the virgin. The other virgin, actually. With Ashley I. gonezo and maybe having already de-virginized herself with a lucky cameraman or bell boy, Becca is the only virgin on the show. And so far so good with Becca as she has not revealed her so innocent of a secret to stupid fuck Chris.

I’m not sure Becca did anything at all in episode 6 except not fuck anything up for herself. Becca is tall and attractive and blonde and has a bit of twang when she talks and she has done just about nothing to ruffle anyone’s feathers including the easily ruffable feathers of stupid fuck Chris. Becca made it through episode 6 and made it to the HOMETOWNS!

Stupid fuck Chris showed up to Shreveport, Louisiana and greeted Becca who had chosen to wear her flowiest top that made her look like an anthropomorphized sugar-glider – but a sexy anthropomorphized sugar-glider. The two walked around her town, they kissed a bunch, and she took stupid fuck Chris back to her home where he met Becca’s anthropomorphized cockblock sister.

There are two requirements for a chick to be on the Bachelor – 1. someone has to have just died in your life and you are using this minsogynst dating TV show as a grief counseling and 2. if you have a sister – she has to be a huge fucking cockblock.

During the hometown with Becca, stupid fuck Chris is never told about Becca’s dusty claptrap, but everyone at the dinner table gives not-subtle clues about it by mentioning over and over again that Becca has never brought a guy home and none of them have ever seen her doing any PDA with a guy ever. They might as well have just made a circle with their left hand and penetrated that circle with their right forefinger and then shook their head no and pointed at Becca and did that for two hours on a loop.

Basically, what stupid fuck Chris got out of the dinner is that Becca is an innocent Southern girl who has never really had a boyfriend. There should be some red flags there considering she’s not a racist troll with a swastika tattooed on her forehead. But whatever. No real problems were presented to stupid fuck Chris and Becca continues to skate on by.

BRITT

Well, you present a single problem or hiccup to stupid fuck Chris and you’re fucking DONE! YOU’RE FUCKING DONE!!!! It’s unreal. I remember twitter nearly collapsing at what an asshole Juan Pablo was because of how he treated women like this, but I don’t see anywhere near the hate for stupid fuck Chris and he’s twice or thrice or fourice the coward Juan Pablo was.

So, Britt WAS stupid fuck Chris’ favorite, but she showed the slightest bit of hesitation and to the other girls not in stupid fuck Chris’ presence and she showed him the slightest bit of aggravation about not getting a group date rose and HE FUCKING GOT RID OF HER!

On episode 6, everything was hunky dory with Britt being numero uno. Everyone was in lovely who gives a shit Des Moines, Iowa and stupid fuck Chris went off and took Jade on a date to his hometown Arlington and some other shit. Either way, the rest of the girls wanted to see Arlington too, so Disney gave them a car and a GPS and they drove the THREE FUCKING HOURS from the middle of nowhere Iowa to EVEN MORE the middle of nowhere Iowa.

The girls get to the town and it’s a fucking shit hole collapsed in on itself town of 400 people in Iowa, so who knows what these idiot women were expecting. In a town of 400, if there was a Walmart – the entire town would just live in the fucking Walmart. That’s not a business model having a town be all the employees and customers of the store as well as use the store for shelter. There’s nothing in the damn town. And the girls expressed that. Of course, Carly really zoned in on Britt saying that she couldn’t imagine herself living there because bitches hatin’ bitches. As if Carly was walking around that town with a pair of wet panties imagining all the non-existent times her and stupid fuck Chris would have not going to the town restaurant that doesn’t exist.

I hate Britt and all, but she was starting to make some sense at the end of this show.

Then Britt, Carly, and Kaitlyn go on a group date with stupid fuck Chris and Britt has a 1-on-1 moment with stupid fuck Chris where she tells the stupid fuck how she could see herself marrying him and loving him and taking him home to meet her family – actually, specifically her dad… SPOILER ALERT! Britt has daddy issues – and Britt thought this was the most compelling speech ever and when the rose came out – stupid fuck Chris gave it to Kaitlyn.

Obviously, Britt was not happy about it and she said it. She said that she felt like she unloaded her soul to stupid fuck Chris and told him that she was willing to let him meet her dad – who we can only assume is the most important man in all of the world either working on the Super Collider or she’s the illegitimate child of Barack Obama or Larry Bird or someone – and stupid fuck Chris gives the rose to someone else. Britt is being a sore loser, but if we’re taking this show at face value and if we’re pretending what she is saying is earnest then seriously, she’s got a point. You tell someone they are your #1 and then they give the your my #1 present to someone else right in front of you. It’s not ideal and Britt speaks up.

They make it seem like she fucking flipped the fuck out. I think she came off as a sore loser, but I don’t think she seemed unreasonable. If this show is about falling in love and not just about gathering roses or points or TV time then yeah you should want to “win” everything because it means he’s in love with you and not the other chick. You’re not the second or third girl in the room that he’s considering being into.

At the same time, THAT’S WHAT THIS FUCKING SHOW IS!!! IF YOU WANT A NORMAL RELATIONSHIP THAN DON’T GO ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING SHOW!!! 

Cut to the next episode, Britt is going to tell stupid fuck Chris that she wants off the show because she’s not sure about letting him meet HER DAD. MY DAD! HE’S GOING TO MEET MY DAD!! Ugh. Anyway, the two sit down and talk before the rose ceremony and as Britt is more trying to get stupid fuck Chris to keep her on the show than get rid of her, stupid fuck Chris reveals that Carly has been talking shit behind Britt’s back and he believes Carly more than he believes her. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!! Brilliant. Stupid fuck Chris is such a fucking asshole coward.

So, stupid fuck Chris kicks Britt off the show like she said she wanted, but really didn’t want, but at the same time I think really wanted to happen because she’s really not at all in love with stupid fuck Chris because none of them are except for Carly. Britt goes outside and cries and cries and cries and who gives a shit – she’s gone.

CARLY

Hey, Carly, you got your secret nemesis kicked off the show – how do you feel? Great! Oh wait, you’ve just been kicked off as well – how do you feel? Not great!

That’s the long and short of Carly’s life on the past two episodes. Carly got to go on a group date with Britt and Kaitlyn, and she got to visit stupid fuck Chris’ shitty hometown and drive 3 hours each way to do so, and, at the end of all that, Carly got kicked off before the hometowns.

Minus the fact that Carly probably dated a closeted gay man and/or a Morrissey-like a-sexual man which led Carly – a cute blonde who is perfectly fuckable – to have crazy issues of whether or not any man would want to be with her thus leading her to joining this show, Carly was a pretty solid match for stupid fuck Chris because she was fucking willing to be his smiling slave and that’s really all stupid fuck Chris wants. He doesn’t like back-talking or talking in general, he likes smiles, he likes kisses, and he likes for no one to question him ever. Carly seemed ready and able to follow that happy robot life that would be required of her.

It was a quick ending for Carly. She spent most of the final two episodes complaining during the confessionals about Britt and how pretty she was. BRITT IS NOT THAT PRETTY, CARLY! Maybe all the sloshing around on a cruise ship has given Carly traumatic brain injuries or something because she made it seem like Britt was the fucking hottest piece of ass on the planet and only Carly and stupid fuck Chris seemed to think that – maybe Carly even more than stupid fuck Chris.

Either way, Carly’s gone. And judging by her instagram account, Carly and Jade became good friends, so that’s cool. Carly made a friend! WOOOO!

JADE

Speak of the devil aka wild mustang. Calling your sister a “wild mustang” is up there with one of the creepiest fucking things you could say that doesn’t directly involve you saying you fucked your sister. You know? I’m not alone on that, right?

Jade had a solid episode 6 and a solid episode 7, but stupid fuck Chris is a coward – as mentioned – and he ends up kicking Jade off after telling her she was safe. Solid move, breh!

On Sunday night, Jade got to go to stupid fuck Chris’ hometown of who gives a shit intersected with why the fuck. They walked around the bombed out hometown that has no restaurants or grocery store or businesses of any real variety. There was one really random moment when stupid fuck Chris half-explained that his dad gets coffee at this place in town every morning that is not a store, but just some guy who will put on a pot of coffee for his dad. Fair enough. That happens all the time.

Later, Jade was taken to the high school and the high school football game. In the high school, stupid fuck Chris and Jade made out. And you guessed it – Jade and stupid fuck Chris made out again at the football game in front of a cheering group of high schoolers, which isn’t weird at all. With all of that, Jade obviously went on and made it to the Hometowns.

Jade’s hometown is in Nebraska, I believe. There stupid fuck Chris met Jade’s pleasant dad and her two brothers who have the same exact face as Jade except chubbier with terrible hair cuts on top of it and one had terrible facial hair below it.

Jade had mentioned while walking around the high school that high school was not a fun time for her and that she was a bad girl, which meek Jade doesn’t really express minus having big fake boobs and a sizable tattoo between her shoulder blades. At her house, her two brothers kept telling stupid fuck Chris that Jade was a “wild mustang”, which sent douche chills throughout all the holes in my body.

Eventually, this led to stupid fuck Chris asking Jade about this back at the hotel and that’s when Jade brings out a laptop and shows stupid fuck Chris a bunch of the nude photos she took for websites and a nudie video she did for Playboy or whatever. Either way, Disney tried to paint this as a terrible moment for stupid fuck Chris in the same way Steven McQueen tried to paint Michael Fassbender having sex with gorgeous women as terrible in “Shame”. Yeah, it is not!

Picture for a moment, a sexy chick who is totally into you and who you have made out with on a dozen occasions over the past couple weeks sits you down to show you professionally taken nude photos of her naked body. Is that a bad day? No, that’s a fucking great fucking day! Seriously, stupid fuck Chris had his hand firmly on Jade’s ass the entire time he was looking at fully nude photos of the girl his hand is on the ass of. Best day ever kind of shit right there.

Anyway, Jade is all scared because she says she’s been in a lot of bad relationships. You don’t say? You’re a hot chick who has nude photos out there, you live in LA and are from Nebraska, your brothers call you “wild mustang”, and you’re on the Bachelor? Yeah, you’ve had some fucking bad relationships. And she’s worried if stupid fuck Chris will judge her like others have in the past. That’s when stupid fuck Chris assures Jade that he is not judging her at all…

… cut to the very next rose ceremony when Jade gets kicked off the fucking show.

Yep. Coward. Stupid fuck Chris is the worst.

What we all can only hope for is that Jade and Carly are truly friends now. And that the “Wild Mustang” Jade teaches Carly about her own sexuality. And someone secretly films an entire video series of that and releases it on the internet webz for free.

KAITLYN

Two things…

1. Kaitlyn was showing off some serious boobs in rose ceremony last night. Like where the fuck did those come from boobs. Like congratulations on your boobs type of boobs.

2. Phoenix looks like an absolute shit hole.

Kaitlyn made it through Sunday’s episode. Not only that, she got the rose on the date that Britt questioned stupid fuck Chris on. This lead Kaitlyn to getting a hometown. Turns out the Canadian girl with no job or back story that we know of spends half of the year with her parents in Phoenix. So, stupid fuck Chris shows up to Phoenix, which is represented by dumpsters, parking lots, and back-alleys. That was Phoenix? What in the hell is happening in Phoenix? Actually, better yet – don’t tell me. I never want to go there.

Kaitlyn takes stupid fuck Chris to a recording studio for the two of them to record a rap song because that is a representation of who Kaitlyn is… a rapper? Was that who she is? I have literally no idea who Kaitlyn is minus these four things…

1. She’s Canadian because the prompt below her name sometimes says that

2. She has a nose stud

3. She’s crazy buzzed on wine in every scene she is shown in, but no one has a problem with it

4. She’s got a set of boobs on her, which is the most recent thing for us to learn because of the deep cleavage she was showing off in that last rose ceremony

Outside of that, I know next to nothing about her and I believe stupid fuck Chris knows nothing more as well. Kaitlyn is about the same size as Britt, wears less make-up, has bigger boobs, and showers – I guess that means she’s marriage material. WOOO!! At the same time, she talks like a child, acts like a child, and says things like, “I think I heart him” to her mom who has no doubt paid for every single bill that Kaitlyn has incurred for however long she’s lived on this planet.

Whatever. She’s cute and she’s in the final 3.

MEGAN

I thought big tits Megan got kicked off the show at the beginning of Sunday’s episode because she never spent a single second with stupid fuck Chris, but then I saw a headline of an article that said that Megan actually walked off the show because she never spent a single second with stupid fuck Chris. Either way…

Megan did absolutely nothing on the show except for show off her big tits and give credence to everyone’s instant assumption she was an idiot by revealing she didn’t know New Mexico was a place and thought that it was just Mexico.

Next!!

And… Last!!

WHITNEY

She’s definitely good looking and she’s got a good job and she’s not stupid like Megan, but I’m just not a huge fan of Whitney’s. I don’t like her cartoon nasal voice that she definitely is putting on to try and come across as adorable like a chipmunk, but it makes me want to drive a nail into my eardrum.

Whitney got to meet stupid fuck Chris’ “best friends”, which was a snoozefest scenario. Then she kissed stupid fuck Chris outside of the bar they were at as everyone in Des Moines watched and took pictures and she jumped up and wrapped her legs around stupid fuck Chris’ waist when she did all this like she was a little girl who really wanted to make out. It was stupid and the Disney producers definitely told her to do it.

Later, the hometown consisted of Whitney taking stupid fuck Chris to the fertility clinic she works at and pranking stupid fuck Chris into thinking she wanted him to get jerk off into a cup, so she could analyze his stupid fuck sperms. He was clearly about to do it without showing any reservation because he’s just a walking overbite smile with no brain activity and he would’ve done it.

After that, Whitney took stupid fuck Chris to her aunt and uncle’s house or something. Whitney doesn’t know her dad and her mom died recently, so she’s pretty much a Disney protagonist with the chirpy voice and all. Stupid fuck Chris met some of her family and then he was wrangled into a room with Whitney’s cockblock sister Kimberly.

THE SISTER IS ALWAYS A COCKBLOCK!

Themz the rulez!

Stupid fuck Chris talks to Kimberly and she’s Rachel Dratch Debbie Downer level of depressing and she’s a brunette, so she’s the WORST, am I right? Anyway, she ends up telling stupid fuck Chris that when he narrows it down to just Whitney then she’ll give the stupid fuck her stupid fuck blessing.

I’d say Whitney is the favorite leading into the final three… but the teaser for next week’s episode shows Whitney telling stupid fuck Chris that she has worked too hard to get where she is to just leave it all behind. Uhhhhhh, FUCKING DUH, Whitney!!!! I don’t know what you have to do to become a fertility nurse, but I’m guessing it is a lot more than a weekend seminar and she’s got a real job as opposed to stupid fuck Chris who is a “farmer” who hasn’t had to actually farm for the past year as he’s been featured on back-to-back seasons of this shitty fucking show. If you can take a year off from your job without any issue then your job is probably all that necessary with you filling the seat. If the job continued on without you for a year then it can continue for many more years to come without you.

Stupid fuck Chris. I hate him.

Whitney lives in Chicago and is a medical professional there and stupid fuck Chris wants her to move to a shit town that doesn’t even have a grocery store or a single restaurant. SHE LIVES IN CHICAGO!!! If the relationship has to be played on stupid fuck Chris’ terms, which it certainly seems that way then this relationship won’t last and will legitimately be as fail worthy as Juan Pablo and Nikki.

Whitney isn’t going to last living in stupid fuck Chris’ world.

Kaitlyn isn’t going to last living in stupid fuck Chris’ world.

Becca maybe could last living in stupid fuck Chris’ world.

Becca is the best bet because seemingly she doesn’t have much to leave behind and her dusty clap trap needs to be devirginized at some point before her central nervous system eats itself. I mean is she endlessly masturbating? If Becca is masturbating all the time then maybe it’s ok, but you got to have sex with a man or a woman or yourself because if you don’t then you are likely going to snap and join ISIS or something.

So, there’s that.

Becca, Kaitlyn, and Whitney.

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