The Bachelor 19 – episode 8 – VIRGINS WIN AGAIN!!!

February 24, 2015

WHAT UP! WHAT DOWN! WHAT IS ALL AROUND THE TOWN! WHAT?!?!?!?!!?

Did you see that shit coming?! Did you?! DID YOU!?!?!?!

Because I did… NOT! Seriously, I was pretty surprised with what happened last night in the sense that I didn’t have any expectations of dumbass Chris holding his second-to-last rose ceremony and right before he decides who is one step closer to being his Iowa slave-wife dumbass Chris just stops everything to have a whispery chit-chat with Becca for Buddha knows how long and then to walk back to the rose ceremony like Kaitlyn and Whitney didn’t notice dumbass Chris and Becca sneaking off to plan one of those two unsuspecting chicks’ downfall and then they mosey back over to the rose ceremony and just fucking karate chop Kaitlyn off of Bali like it ain’t no thang.

I will admit, I did not guess that shit would happen. And yet, it totally fucking did!

That was how the end of the episode played out with Whitney, Kaitlyn, and Becca lined up in their neon ceremonial robes with Becca’s boobs busting out of her shirt and dumbass Chris in more or less a training gi and he and Becca pulled the least subtle fast-one over on Kaitlyn.

I’m telling ya…

KAITLYN WAS HOODWINKED!!!

KAITLYN WAS BAMBOOZLED!!!

If you’re not familiar with those terms they loosely translate to…

KAITLYN WAS BANGED OUT, PILLOW TALKED, AND THROWN OUT ON HER ASS!!!

That’s what fucking happened last night. That’s what fucking Disney had happen last night!

Seriously! This show is so atrocious! These people are the fucking worst!

I’m not saying I thought Kaitlyn was perfect for dumbass Chris. I’m not even saying Kaitlyn was even good for dumbass Chris. And I’m not even saying that Kaitlyn is some great prize and that I was rooting for her the entire time or that I even enjoyed watching her on TV. I’m not saying any of that.

What I am saying is that dumbass Chris definitely banged Kaitlyn. Like definitely.

I’m not sure if dumbass Chris banged Whitney. I get the feeling that he probably didn’t. But it definitely seemed like he banged Kaitlyn. And we know he didn’t bang out the virgin Becca because she’s still a virgin apparently.

So…

The chick who is nice enough to allow dumbass Chris to enter inside of her with his penis – HE KICKS TO THE CURB THE FIRST CHANCE HE GETS!

This is who these women fell in love with? This is who they want to continue to be in love with?

What is happening in this world —- did Tyler Perry write last night’s episode?

The “whore” gets thrown back into harsh reality of a lonely life because she had sex and the virgin talks her way back into paradise? That’s some fucked up bullshit.

I think dumbass Chris is a dumbass and I think he’s a piece of shit.

There’s that.

As for the episode last night, well, we know what happened in the end. What else happened?

BECCA

Besides her looking a lot like Jamie Lynn-Spears, I can’t remember much of her one-on-one time with dumbass Chris.

Did they do anything? Honestly, it’s just a blank screen in my head right now. I know she kind of told him about being a virgin in that she’s never been close to a guy, but then later that night she laid out that she’s a virgin by setting it up like she was a serial killer. Becca gave dumbass Chris this long preamble about how she’s never been close to a guy and there’s this reason— what is it? A sixth toe? The teeth in the vagina thing? You’re not a dude, are you?!?!?!

Anyway, she’s a virgin.

I like that the first reaction about hearing Becca being a virgin from dumbass Chris was this super awkward sigh of relief it wasn’t that she was born with a dick followed by a shrug of the shoulders like uhhhhh ok?

Everyone else’s reaction about Becca being a virgin? She totally could have banged like every guy she’s ever met, so what the hell has stopped her?

Becca is not crazy religious. And from the way her sister talked to her about her virginity, the sister was treating it as more of a sixth toe affliction than anything else. I mean Becca’s sister is married to an ex-NFL football player and not to make assumptions, but I would bet she was slanging around her puss to make that happen. Jacob Hester? He was playing ball in San Diego for several years – dude could have a California girl anytime he wanted, but he stuck with his Louisiana gal. I bet she gets wild in the sack.

Back to the matter at hand, Becca’s vagina may hate dicks.

Has anyone considered that? I’m just curious if anyone else has been thinking that as much as me. I mean I’m not so horny I’m out there humping strangers on the bus or anything, but not only is sex a natural compulsion to have, but there is a fucking time in your life where your body is basically tearing at the seams to get some.

I consider myself a feminist and in that I believe straight women like that dick and gay women like that poon. There’s nothing wrong with that. Nothing at all. I’m not saying women are so damn horny they’re violating themselves with doorknobs or smearing peanut butter on themselves for the dog to lick off… I’m talking about a serious and healthy compulsion for sex.

And with that… I have a question- what the fuck has Becca been doing all this time?

If a woman isn’t getting some then she’s masturbating or she should be. I hope Becca hasn’t been shamed into thinking she shouldn’t masturbate. That’s a whole different and awkward KSWI post. SO! My question remains – is she just masturbating herself until chaffing? I mean what’s the deal? You’re a sexy blonde growing up in the 00’s and you’ve got a sister who has slang her puss around to the point she nabbed herself a millionaire athlete — WHAT IS STOPPING YOU FROM GETTING SOME OF THAT D?

Sounds crude, maybe. Maybe. May. Be. But really, what’s stopping her? You’re telling me that there aren’t at least 150 dudes in Louisiana who are exactly like dumbass Chris. Actually, I just looked up this shit and I guess the whole family moved to San Diego when the sister slung her poon at Jacob Hester and got them to San Diego, so you’re telling me that there hasn’t been a fucking smily dude who is in good shape in California with spiky blonde hair that hasn’t hit on Becca and been able to string a sentence or two together to get her to bang him?

That’s crazy balls.

Honestly, either her vagina hates dicks or she’s fucking crazier than I can imagine.

KAITLYN

Well, she fucked dumbass Chris.

Dumbass Chris and Kaitlyn went on some date in Bali, oh did I forget to say they were all in Bali? I think I mentioned it briefly in the beginning. Anyway… Kaitlyn and dumbass Chris walk around Bali, laugh at the locals, get molested by monkeys, drink beers, made out all over the streets of Bali, and then went back to the fantasy suite and mashed genitals.

That’s really about it.

Kaitlyn didn’t real say anything controversial. Actually, Becca was the one who had some reservations about living in dumbass Chris’ shitty hometown. Meanwhile, dumbass Chris did his best at make his shitty hometown sound shitty and he did a great job at that, but all these idiot chicks still smiled and pretended like it wouldn’t be a big deal to live in dumbass Chris’ shitty hometown.

Actually, dumbass Chris did such a good job describing how shitty life is in his shitty hometown that he may be considering moving from his shitty hometown if he wasn’t such a dumbass.

Nevertheless, Kaitlyn seemed game to live a shitty life in a shitty town because she’s so stupid and she’s so into dumbass Chris, which makes her that much more stupid.

And then they went back to the fantasy suite and fucked.

I imagine Kaitlyn thought dumbass Chris’ penis being housed by her vagina for a night was a pretty safe bet to seal her spot in the final two, but we’re talking about piece of shit dumbass Chris here and he’s not playing by any rules. NO RULES!

Kaitlyn cried and cried when she got kicked off the show by the sweaty and whispery and piece of shitty dumbass Chris. All she said was, “what happened?” Well, did you notice that dumbass Chris is a dumbass? Did you notice that part where Becca walked dumbass Chris off to the side and the two talked for 15 minutes and you sat quietly thinking dumbass Chris had any loyalty to you because he had sex with you? That’s what happened.

Kaitlyn then in the van said this was the most humiliating experience of her life. CONGRATULATIONS!!! YOU WERE ON THE BACHELOR!!!

Next time, how about you find a boyfriend like a fucking normal person?

WHITNEY

Well, the two of them went on a boat ride where the camera couldn’t get its lens unfocused from Whitney’s ass.

Whitney showed off a lot of her body in this episode. There were tons of butt shots and then her in this tiny bikini. And she’s got quite a body on her. It’s like her physical form and her voice have a picture of Dorian Gray adverse relationship because her weirdo cartoon, nails on chalkboard voice was in full effect last night.

Outside of the boat stuff, I really don’t remember a whole lot with Whitney either. There isn’t too much to remember because dumbass Chris doesn’t talk. He doesn’t say anything worthwhile or controversial because he’s a fucking mute with an overbite.

He did try to explain to Whitney she would hate her life in his shitty hometown because she would have to leave her job and give up any aspirations she had with all that education she has fought her way through.

And then Whitney fired back with some more Tyler Perry style bullshit that she knew that life would either be about having a career or having a family and never shall the two meet. WHAT?!?!

Fuck Whitney for being the worst feminist.

These women are such terrible archtypes for women to root for. There’s the virgin Becca, there’s Kaitlyn whose only connection to this guy is kissing or now sex, and there’s Whitney who believes she is either going to have to be an unhappy spinster with a job or a happy barefoot baby factory for some dumbass.

In the end…

Kaitlyn is kicked off.

Whitney and Becca compete to be the slave-wife of some moron who lives in dumbfuck Iowa.

Fuck Disney.

Fuck this show.

Fuck all these people.

Can’t wait for the reunion and for the finale!

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One Response to “The Bachelor 19 – episode 8 – VIRGINS WIN AGAIN!!!”

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