Danielle and I rewatched “Jurassic Park” last night. It is a strange fucking movie. I don’t even know how many times I’ve seen it at this point at least 3 dozen times I would think, but it is a fucking weird movie filled with the dumbest characters ever put on film. 

The girl who strangely looks like a mini-Laura Dern is one of the dumbest movie characters in all of movie history. She’s in a Ford Explorer and an actual T-Rex is standing no less than 15 feet away and she decides to jump into the trunk of the car and find an enormous flashlight and turn it on. Why? Why?!!? Pretty much every creature that has ever existed on this planet would be drawn to a beam of light that is moving around. Human beings would be attracted to a beam of light that is moving around! No one in a horror movie has ever done as stupid of a thing as being in a hiding spot in the dark then going out of their way to find a flashlight to turn it on and to point it at the thing they are worried about killing them.

THEN! 20 seconds after she just turned the flashlight on she is 100% incapable of turning the flashlight off! Incapable! Completely cannot figure out how to turn off a flashlight she literally turned on less than a minute ago.

Later, she references herself as a “hacker” and is shown to be a whiz with computers. I guess if the flashlight was turned on and off with Linux software – she would’ve been able to do it.

The movie is also filled with the oddest humor, which makes all the characters seem like sociopath buffoons.

How about Laura Dern being attacked by a velociraptor then an arm falls on her shoulder out of the shadows and she’s all calm for a second like “ohhh, Mr. Arnold” then it turns out it’s a bloody stump of an arm that I guess the velociraptor hid back there for this very moment and that revelation of the bloody arm is what makes Laura realize again that their is a highly murderous dinosaur a couple feet from trying to rip through the tiny little fence between them.

Also, by the end of the movie, Laura Dern is about one more dinosaur chase away from creaming her khaki shorts. SERIOUSLY! She starts off as some archaeological nerd and with every seen Laura Dern fucking wants IT and Wants IT and WANTS IT to the point that she ditches her glasses, ditches her top, and she’s got some pretty serious pokies happening beneath her tank top to the point that they should seriously put those kids in a different chopper off the island because she needs to get Dr. Grant’s D tout de suite in her toot sweet.

I may have missed something on every viewing of Jurassic Park, but…

ARE ALL THE SCIENTISTS AND STAFF OF JURASSIC PARK KILLED BY DINOSAURS?

Where does everyone go?

I feel like they must make some mention of it, but maybe they don’t. Did they escape the island when everyone else was manning the fort?

There are dozens of scientists as well as waiters and chefs on this island. What happened to them? Are they eaten by dinosaurs too?

There’s the shitty, park ranger/doctor who is such a shitty doctor that he doesn’t notice the sick triceratops’ gigantic eyes are dilating. He takes Laura Dern for a ride – not that kind of ride although she certainly wants IT – and then is never seen or heard from again. I mean where did he go? Am I forgetting like a mass exodus sequence where all the chefs and scientists like B.D. Wong get off the island while the rest of our protagonists/morons decide to stay on the island to ‘rassle with the dinos?

AND…

WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH THE “GAME WARDEN”?

More like “gay warden” if you ask me with his sassy khaki shorts showing off more leg than Debbie Does Dallas Laura Dern over there.

First off, he’s a fucking lunatic who wants to kill all the animals in the park, so we might as well make him in charge, right?

Second off, when he finally gets the chance to show off his hunting prowess, he tries to trick the ever-clever raptors by placing his curled-up cowboy hat on a log as if the raptors would spot it and go after that instead of going after him as he tries to flank them. Uhhhhhh, what the fuck?!?!?! What kind of horrible plan is that? That raptor doesn’t know what the fuck that hat is or even going to register that that is a hat and hats are worn by humans, so it should go after it.

IF you’re hunting something and trying to draw it into a trap, you have to put something in the trap area that will lure the animal. A hat ain’t going to do it. Especially, a hat that isn’t even fucking doing anything besides sitting on a stationary log. That raptor and/or any animal ever will just be looking through the jungle and be like, “tree, tree, tree, tree, tree” they’re not going to be like, “tree, tree, tree, hat on a log, tree, tree- WAIT A SECOND! Hat on a log?!??!?! There’s a human under that hat I bet!”

So fucking stupid. Worst hunter ever and worst hire ever by the most inept grandfather of all-time.

Sure, I could criticize Sam Neil’s Dr. Grant character who has a weird perversion with children and, also, doesn’t think to climb around to the other side of the tree where the Ford Explorer isn’t dangling over head, but he’s a mole hill compared to the mountain of idiocy that is John Hammond.

JOHN HAMMOND IS THE FUCKING WORST!!!

Hey, you Santa Claus look-a-like motherfucker, what is going on in your fucking idiot skull?! You’re going to test drive a theme park – that you totally think there’s a chance will kill everyone that steps foot into it – with your grandkids?!

Not only does he test drive the theme park with his fucking grandkids, but could he have a more skeletal crew of people involved with keeping DINOSAURS behind a wire fence? He has one “game warden” for a fucking island of creatures that are all 10x the size of us and we have absolutely no experience keeping control of. ONE GUY IS IN CHARGE OF THAT! Shit, I worked at a non-profit for a few months and my desk was near the mail room and there were 5 people working the mail room. FIVE. Five people sorting mail to be delivered in house to a staff of like 200 people. FIVE. John Hammond hired ONE guy to handle keeping an island of HUNDREDS of DINOSAURS in line from KILLING PEOPLE! John Hammond is the fucking dumbest man ever!

And then when everything falls apart and that Col. Sanders look-a-like motherfucker is simply waiting to hear if his grandkids have been murdered by dinosaurs – what does this fucking idiot do?

HE EATS ICE CREAM WHILE HIS GRANDKIDS ARE POSSIBLY GETTING EATEN ALIVE BY DINOSAURS THAT HE CREATED!!!

Ice cream! The fucking old coot doesn’t grab a walkie-talkie and stand-by pacing around or maybe get off his rich ass and grab a fucking shotgun and try to kill a dinosaur himself. NO! What this fucker does is go into the expansive kitchen of the catering hall and pull out multiple drums of ice cream and then he carries them into the dining room and he just sits down and goes to town on some ice cream. SERIOUSLY!!

This dude bought an island, bought scientists to make dinosaurs, filled the island with dinosaurs, hired less than the minimum of people to run this island and the highly-dangerous dinosaurs that he brought back to life, and then he threw his grandkids into the mix.

Also, he is an actual moron in the movie too. The other characters point out what an idiot he is. Laura Dern mentions that John has filled the island with poisonous plants because they look pretty, but he doesn’t know nor did he do any research to know that they’re poisonous plants. Besides all the shit that we see him do that is dumb that Steven Spielberg probably didn’t intentionally think would make him look dumb and instead thought they would be nice set piece scenes – his character is actually fucking dumb to the other characters.

JOHN HAMMOND IS THE VILLAIN OF THE MOVIE!

There’s a strange scene where he it is setup that he’s the reason why Wayne Knight’s character does the shit that he does that eventually causes all the power to go out. First, he only hired ONE person to code or decode or whatever computer nonsense that Wayne Knight is doing. This plus an apparently low salary and a shitty attitude by John leads Wayne Knight to become disgruntled and fuck them all over.

Plus, the park is just a fucking murder park to begin with. He’s got dinosaurs and raptors just being fed live animals to be torn to shreds. John Hammond is fucking PETA’s worse fucking nightmare. A live cow simply lowered into a room of raptors to tear it to fucking shreds? A live goat tied to a pole for a T-Rex to fucking pick its teeth with? He’s easily the most terrible person alive. That’s all if the park is going well too! Once the park falls apart, it’s just a T-Rex and raptors running loose eating whatever dinosaur they feel like. So, he brought back dinosaurs into existence, so they could either murder or be murdered. Isn’t that the most psychotic thing you’ve ever heard?

And, in the end, he fucking survives too. There should have been a shot of John Hammond sacrificing himself to help save his fucking grandkids. Or a shot of him staying on the island to go down with the ship ala Titanic, which in this case means to get torn to shred by the fucking horrible creations that he unleashed on the world that will all no doubt be killed by each other and/or the poisonous plants he stocked the island with because they were pretty.

FUCK JOHN HAMMOND!

If you’re wondering why I haven’t mentioned Jeff Goldblum or the boy – it’s because those two characters are flawless.

Goldblum points out what a death trap this island is and he tries to fuck Laura Dern and he has to actually tell Sam Neil to worry for the kids’ safety.

The boy? He knows more about dinosaurs than almost all of the adults and appears to know just as much about dinosaurs as Dr. Grant, he has a healthy fear of everything that is going on, and he’s a fucking kid. You want me to find fault in some kid? Disgusting. The girl does all the moronic things in their section of the movie.

The movie is weird. I’ll watch it another million times though. It’s fucking Jurassic Park!

THANK GOD – IT’S OVER!!!!

THE CURSED SEAL IS RELEASED AND WE CAN ALL BE FREE (until Bachelor in Paradise starts this summer)!!!! WE CAN ALL LIVE FREELY (meaning we can now watch something else on Monday nights for 2 to 3 hours like House of Cards)!!!!!! YES!!!!!

Last night was the finale for trick ass, punk ass mark Chris Soules’ stupid ass, dumb ass season of the Bachelor.

And you may have guessed from her name trending all day on Yahoo or from the myriad of articles that are more or less lazy FBI background checks on her propagating all over the internet today…

WHITNEY WON!!!!

WOOOOOO!!!! GO WHITNEY!!! YOU WON A PROBABLY ILL-FATED RELATIONSHIP WITH A HALF-MUTE WHO IS GOING TO SPEND THE NEXT YEAR AT LEAST MILKING HIS 15 MINUTES OF FAME FOR ALL IT’S WORTH ALL THE WHILE SPENDING NOT A SECOND THOUGHT ON YOU OR YOUR ADDICTION TO THE COLOR PINK OR HIS MULTITUDE OF FARMS IN IOWA AND THE ALWAYS LOOMING HARVEST!!!!!!!!!!

Congrats, I guess.

So, Whitney won.

She did win. Technically, she totally won. I mean she totally got the final rose and she totally got the engagement ring. That totally happened. He said the “I love you” words and he proposed and all of that totally happened in some stupid ass barn in stupid ass Iowa with a stupid ass stained-glass spraying tie-dye colored light all over this stupid ass moment of theirs.

BUT!!!

The thing is…

HE WANTED TO CHOOSE BECCA!!!

He so did.

Fucking numb nuts Chris wanted to choose Becca, but that Jamie Lynn Spears looking virgin didn’t want anything to do with him. Honestly, it was pretty amazing.

Covered head to toe in about 10 pounds of bronzer, Becca carved a hole into numb nuts Chris’ heart and proceeded to proceeded to put not an ounce of herself into it. She couldn’t have been any less committal to a guy whose TV show she is on for the sole purpose of being proposed to by him.

Becca was all like ‘you can propose to me, but I’m not sure if that’s going to make me like you like you anymore than I do now or ever and I’m also not really that into liking you just because you’re the only guy here.’ Not an exact quote, but it’s exactly what she was feeling.

After however much or little time the two of them spent together, Becca was not down to clown with Chris.

SHE WAS NOT DOWN TO CLOWN!!!!

And if you’re not down to clown then I guess you have to move on and propose to the OTHER girl who is also riding in a limo on their way over to the same exact barn that the not clowning chick is leaving from because this is a fucking game show and that’s how the sanctity of marriage is dealt with on this show.

Seriously, if I was a marriage advocate who thinks gays getting married was a slap in the face to marriage… NO! The Bachelor and The Bachelorette is a fucking slap in the face to marriage. It’s not some great moment between two people who have found each other. It’s a fucking thing that you say you’re going to do because the show is coming to an end and the one chick isn’t feeling it, so you say you’re going to get married to the other one because why not – it’s not like any of this means anything because you don’t HAVE TO get married nor does it matter if you do and then divorce them because the marriage was based on winning a fucking gameshow. A FUCKING GAME SHOW!!!!! AHHHHHH!!!

Whatever your beef with gays is – they dress better and dance better than you probably – they’re not trying to get married because of a fucking game show. They want to get married because of government benefits and because they want the world to know they want to put their genitals together with this other person’s genitals for the rest of their life in a real way. And that’s what the true spirit of marriage is and not some fucking game show.

Back to the fucking proposal bullshit game show…

Per usual, Whitney adorned herself in pink and threw herself and her crazy type A eyes at numb nuts Chris for the entirety of the time she was shown on TV. She will do anything to win or at least pretend like she’s going to marry numb nuts Chris. Throw away her life, throw away her job, pretend like numb nuts Chris isn’t going to try and bang the hell out of his dance partner on Dancing with the Stars whose name is… Witney Carson.

HAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

She spells her name without an H like an idiot… but nevertheless…

HER NAME IS WITNEY TOO!!!!

Too fucking funny!

Whitney – the one on the bachelor who will soon be cheated on with Witney – said that she didn’t watch this season’s The Bachelor and Chris Harrison asked why every which way he could to try and break Whitney into saying that she didn’t watch it because numb nuts Chris was tongue-fucking every chick on the damn show including a 20 year old single mother, a pair of 24+ year old virgins, a clown prostitute, and he totally fucked Kaitlyn.

I’d 100% bet that Whitney has googled this shit in the middle of the night and found out about all the stuff that numb nuts Chris did and I’m sure she’ll see that numb nuts Chris would have totally asked Becca to marry him if she had given him even the slightest bit of confidence that she was at all planning on letting him pop her cherry.

Ugh…

It’s actually making me grossed out thinking about a grown man being into de-virginizing someone. I know it’s grossing you out, but let’s just be clear – I find it fucking creepy as shit as well.

Anyway…

Jimmy Kimmel was pretty hilarious saying point blank to numb nuts Chris that Becca just wasn’t into him… with Whitney right there.

The show kept pushing Ashley S. to be on Bachelor in Paradise.

And the show announced its new setup for the next season of The Bachelorette, which I feel like I don’t understand.

Next season, clown prostitute Britt – who showed up to the finale with about 1/10th of the make-up on that she normally had – and the cutest unemployed wino ever Kaitlyn will both be The Bachelorettes… for one night?

I’m not sure if this is right or not, but I think the idea is that the next season of The Bachelorette will have 25 dudes or whatever show up to the house and both Britt and Kaitlyn will be there and the guys will meet both of them and then at the end of the night the guys will get to decide who is The Bachelorette for that season.

Just another fucking slap in the face from Disney to women everywhere! WOOOO!!!

Also, the count total is 25 for Britt or 25 for Kaitlyn then there are going to be guys on the show who are faking it even more that they are into a chick they’re just supposed to be into because they’re on this game show that says they’re supposed to be into this chick — even though they just voted they would rather be into the only other option chick who they were more cool with faking that they were into her because they are supposed to be into her because this is a game show they signed up to be on.

Stupid.

Fucking hell.

I’d say there’s a 1% chance that Whitney and numb nuts Chris get married.

Thanks for reading!

WHAT IT IS!?!?!!

I survived a bachelor party weekend in Vermont consisting of dangerous as hell snowmobiling to watch more of this cluster fuck? YES I DID!

Last night, The Bachelor aired the shrillest and most fake tearful “Women Tell All” episode I have yet to see on the three seasons I have watched of this show.

WOMEN TELL ALL?!?!?!?

WHAT, PRAY TELL, DID THEY TELL!??!?!

A whole lot of nuttin’.

Or nothing.

Nothing.

NOTHING!!!!

After another two hours spent watching this trainwreck, nothing new was divulged or earned through all of this.

We didn’t learn why Kelsey is crazy, we didn’t learn why Ashley S. is crazy, we didn’t learn why Britt is fake, we didn’t learn why moron Chris pumped & dumped Kaitlyn, we didn’t learn why moron Chris let the “Wild Mustang” Jade out of the stable, and we didn’t learn a single thing about Samantha.

But were we really expecting to? Were you?

Were you really expecting to get answers? Because…

THE ANSWERS ARE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FUCKING FACE!!!

Kelsey is crazy because SHE’S FUCKING CRAZY!

Ashley S. is crazy because SHE’S FUCKING CRAZYbut it’s a harmless crazy not like Kelsey who will definitely knife you in the shower type of crazy.

Britt is fake because SHE’S FUCKING FAKE AS FUCK! SHE’S A CLOWN PROSTITUTE!

Moron Chris fucked & chucked Kaitlyn because he fucking could and no one could or would stop him.

Moron Chris kicked Jade to the curb because he’s thoroughly creeped out by a pair of brothers calling their sister a “wild mustang” over and over again and he didn’t want to marry into that.

And Samantha? SHE’S NOT EVEN A REAL PERSON! She’s some black hair blown out CGI character that was in the show to pad out the numbers.

There was one funny part on last night’s ep where Samantha tried to blame Kelsey and her phoney-baloney panic attack for being the reason why moron Chris kicked her off the show and moron Chris didn’t get a chance to fall in love with her. Uhhhhhhhhh… no, CGI bitch, you were kicked off the show because no one knew who the fuck you were or why you were still there. As for you not getting to know moron Chris – I mean besides the idea of how can a human really ever get to know a CGI character – you had like a billion times to say something to moron Chris and vice versa and neither of you took advantage of it because you both inherently knew it wasn’t worth the effort. NEXT!

As mentioned, not a fuck ton happened last night. Just a lot of fake ass crying…

FAKE ASS CRYING!!!

And the key perpetrator of the FAKE ASS CRYING was Britt.

BRITT IS FAKE, YO!!!!

and…

BRITT COULD NOT BE MORE FULL OF HERSELF!!!

Britt spent a good portion of last night’s episode squeezing her eyes together and puckering her clown prostitute make-up caked face to make it appear that she was truly about to burst a Hoover Dam amount of tears over her lost love – moron Chris. Maybe like one or two tears snuck through with all of her drama training, but by and large Britt made the sounds and the expressions of someone crying, but not the actual tears, which means… SHE FUCKING FAKE, SON!!!

Besides her auditioning for a guest spot on The Young & the Restless, Britt spent an inordinate amount of time yelling at Carly.

Britt blames Carly – 100% – for why Britt and moron Chris aren’t together.

The lion’s share of the first 90 minutes of the show before moron Chris came out was spent on Britt and Carly yelling over each other with Britt insisting the two of them were BFFs and that Carly ruined everything.

My two favorite parts of all this Britt nonsense was…

1. YOU’RE JUST OBSESSED WITH ME!!!! I called it in my head like 5 minutes into the Britt/Carly stuff, but I felt the need to actually say it out loud, so Danielle could be my witness in me obviously guessing the conclusion of Britt’s self-centered-ness – YOU FAKE ASS, CLOWN PROSTITUTE. As Britt hammered home as much as she could how it was Carly who was the villain of the season – which she wasn’t – Britt finally got to her point that she had wanted to make for the whole time, but it’s a bad point because it’s about the most self-centered thing anyone can possibly say – it’s because Carly was just jealous.

BOOM! We’ve had an egotistical explosion by Britt! That’s right, Britt. She was your friend and she was your friend because you were just so nice to her and because she was clearly just so in awe and had to be in awe of you and then as time wore on she became all “Single White Female” on you and got obsessed with you and couldn’t stop talking about you and then she had to go out and ruin your life with moron Chris. Typical, cruise ship singer Carly.

It’s the type of thinking that a truly self-obsessed person has and Britt has it and Britt sucks.

2. MORON CHRIS IS A MORON!!! Finally, moron Chris comes out and Britt walks on stage and has this shitty ass sit-down with him where she tells moron Chris her whole “Carly is obsessed with me” theory and that that is why moron Chris and Britt are not together. That’s when moron Chris says that it wasn’t because of Carly that he isn’t with Britt. Which Britt immediately says that she wouldn’t think that he had as simple mind of that to think that. What?

YOU TOTALLY JUST SPENT ALL OF YOUR TALK TIME INCLUDING THE TALK TIME YOU JUST HAD FIVE SECONDS AGO IN MORON CHRIS’ PRESENCE WHERE YOU FLAT OUT SAY THAT ALL OF THIS IS CARLY’S FAULT! SO, YOU DO THINK HE’S THAT STUPID OF A PERSON TO BE TRICKED ALL BY CARLY!

Follow that up with moron Chris totally not saying anything new besides what Carly said to him about Britt not being ready for shitty ass Arlington, Iowa… SO HE IS SO STUPID TO BE SWAYED BY JUST CARLY!

And yet, moron Chris still kicked Carly off. Why? BECAUSE HE’S A FUCKING MORON!!

What else? What else? What else?

Honestly, Kelsey didn’t do anything new either except for just be crazy, which we already knew.

Every time that crazy woman Kelsey says “Sanderson” – it makes my urethra clench.

What about Jade?

Well, she wore a body hugging dress and whined about how her sexy photos have haunted her for the 1000th time. Hey Jade, let’s be real for a minute, sexy photos are probably the tip of the iceberg with you and it’s not like you’re not about yourself being sexy. You’re not not dressing up your fake boobs and your real butt to be shown off for everyone to see including potential paying photographers to snap more bikini modelling pictures of you.

Moron Chris is a moron and he dumped you because he’s a moron and because he’s on a Disney TV show where he cannot pick the chick with the nudie photos out there because this show is all sorts of bullshit, but at the same time your family calling you a “wild mustang” is both creepy/gross and not inviting for would-be husbands.

Now, I agree with Jade that moron Chris should have said something to her about how he was pretty much ready to get rid of her after meeting her family and after seeing her nudie photos instead of saying stuff to her about how everything was cool and there were no issues and that every makeout session with him in front of his own parents and a in front of a high school at a football game really meant something to him because they didn’t.

And, I do think Jade was crying actual tears because she wasn’t doing the cry face and then there were actual tears that were coming out of her eyes.

Dear Jade, try Match.com – not The Bachelor.

Either way, I bet Jade will end up making out on TV sometime soon on The Bachelor in Paradise.

Who else?

Kaitlyn? Well, she tried to get moron Chris to tell her why he dumped her. She also alluded more to her having this night alone that the two of them “so deserved”, which I guess is the most polite way of saying “condom-less vag-fucking”. Either way, moron Chris did have anything for her. He just said the same shit that meant nothing about how he tried the best he could and he made some mistakes and he had to make a decision and he made it, which means FUCK YOU BITCH – I GOTS MINE, SO KICK ROCKS!!!

They didn’t say it last night, but everyone is rumoring that Kaitlyn is the next Bachelorette, so that means that Kaitlyn is the next Bachelorette because the rumors of Andi and moron Chris came out 100% true, so these will be true too and who the fuck cares.

Kaitlyn is cute, but she’s a simpleton.

NEXT??!!?!?

Um, well, there was Ashely S.

She’s a weirdo. She looked good last night in this 1980’s cocaine party dress. It reminded me of my favorite 1980’s cocaine party dress, which was of course worn by Linda Kozlowski in the cocaine party scene in “Crocodile Dundee”.

Nothing was learned or gained from the Ashely S. interview as she just acted silly per usual and then they tried to yell at her to the point that she would agree to be on Bachelor in Paradise and then she dead panned how weird it is that they’re on TV. It is fucking weird that they’re on TV and you know what I feel like Ashley S. is really just saying what we’re all thinking if you were on the TV show and not at all interested in winning.

The best part of the Ashley S. truth-a-thon was when she mentioned how she just walked out of the house and found where the TV crew was living because she was bored and the rest of the girls in the house were crying and fighting. Yeah! Exactly! Wouldn’t it be fucking weird being in a house with women who have all made themselves crazy after this one guy just because they’re “supposed to”? It would be weird and it would be boring too, especially if you didn’t allow yourself to dupe yourself into getting crazy as well over this guy who is completely underwhelming as a human being.

Did I miss anything?

They did make fun of moron Chris’ dolphin laugh, which I’m happy about.

Next week, there is a THREE HOUR finale.

This show is fucking insane and requires a fuck ton of dedication. I hate it and love it and hate it, but then kind of love it, but then I hate it again and then I’m like whatever and I love it again, but then…

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