The Bachelor 19 – episode 9 – Crazy women’s pleas fall on idiot farmer’s deaf ears

WHAT IT IS!?!?!!

I survived a bachelor party weekend in Vermont consisting of dangerous as hell snowmobiling to watch more of this cluster fuck? YES I DID!

Last night, The Bachelor aired the shrillest and most fake tearful “Women Tell All” episode I have yet to see on the three seasons I have watched of this show.

WOMEN TELL ALL?!?!?!?

WHAT, PRAY TELL, DID THEY TELL!??!?!

A whole lot of nuttin’.

Or nothing.

Nothing.

NOTHING!!!!

After another two hours spent watching this trainwreck, nothing new was divulged or earned through all of this.

We didn’t learn why Kelsey is crazy, we didn’t learn why Ashley S. is crazy, we didn’t learn why Britt is fake, we didn’t learn why moron Chris pumped & dumped Kaitlyn, we didn’t learn why moron Chris let the “Wild Mustang” Jade out of the stable, and we didn’t learn a single thing about Samantha.

But were we really expecting to? Were you?

Were you really expecting to get answers? Because…

THE ANSWERS ARE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FUCKING FACE!!!

Kelsey is crazy because SHE’S FUCKING CRAZY!

Ashley S. is crazy because SHE’S FUCKING CRAZY, but it’s a harmless crazy not like Kelsey who will definitely knife you in the shower type of crazy.

Britt is fake because SHE’S FUCKING FAKE AS FUCK! SHE’S A CLOWN PROSTITUTE!

Moron Chris fucked & chucked Kaitlyn because he fucking could and no one could or would stop him.

Moron Chris kicked Jade to the curb because he’s thoroughly creeped out by a pair of brothers calling their sister a “wild mustang” over and over again and he didn’t want to marry into that.

And Samantha? SHE’S NOT EVEN A REAL PERSON! She’s some black hair blown out CGI character that was in the show to pad out the numbers.

There was one funny part on last night’s ep where Samantha tried to blame Kelsey and her phoney-baloney panic attack for being the reason why moron Chris kicked her off the show and moron Chris didn’t get a chance to fall in love with her. Uhhhhhhhhh… no, CGI bitch, you were kicked off the show because no one knew who the fuck you were or why you were still there. As for you not getting to know moron Chris – I mean besides the idea of how can a human really ever get to know a CGI character – you had like a billion times to say something to moron Chris and vice versa and neither of you took advantage of it because you both inherently knew it wasn’t worth the effort. NEXT!

As mentioned, not a fuck ton happened last night. Just a lot of fake ass crying…

FAKE ASS CRYING!!!

And the key perpetrator of the FAKE ASS CRYING was Britt.

BRITT IS FAKE, YO!!!!

and…

BRITT COULD NOT BE MORE FULL OF HERSELF!!!

Britt spent a good portion of last night’s episode squeezing her eyes together and puckering her clown prostitute make-up caked face to make it appear that she was truly about to burst a Hoover Dam amount of tears over her lost love – moron Chris. Maybe like one or two tears snuck through with all of her drama training, but by and large Britt made the sounds and the expressions of someone crying, but not the actual tears, which means… SHE FUCKING FAKE, SON!!!

Besides her auditioning for a guest spot on The Young & the Restless, Britt spent an inordinate amount of time yelling at Carly.

Britt blames Carly – 100% – for why Britt and moron Chris aren’t together.

The lion’s share of the first 90 minutes of the show before moron Chris came out was spent on Britt and Carly yelling over each other with Britt insisting the two of them were BFFs and that Carly ruined everything.

My two favorite parts of all this Britt nonsense was…

1. YOU’RE JUST OBSESSED WITH ME!!!! I called it in my head like 5 minutes into the Britt/Carly stuff, but I felt the need to actually say it out loud, so Danielle could be my witness in me obviously guessing the conclusion of Britt’s self-centered-ness – YOU FAKE ASS, CLOWN PROSTITUTE. As Britt hammered home as much as she could how it was Carly who was the villain of the season – which she wasn’t – Britt finally got to her point that she had wanted to make for the whole time, but it’s a bad point because it’s about the most self-centered thing anyone can possibly say – it’s because Carly was just jealous.

BOOM! We’ve had an egotistical explosion by Britt! That’s right, Britt. She was your friend and she was your friend because you were just so nice to her and because she was clearly just so in awe and had to be in awe of you and then as time wore on she became all “Single White Female” on you and got obsessed with you and couldn’t stop talking about you and then she had to go out and ruin your life with moron Chris. Typical, cruise ship singer Carly.

It’s the type of thinking that a truly self-obsessed person has and Britt has it and Britt sucks.

2. MORON CHRIS IS A MORON!!! Finally, moron Chris comes out and Britt walks on stage and has this shitty ass sit-down with him where she tells moron Chris her whole “Carly is obsessed with me” theory and that that is why moron Chris and Britt are not together. That’s when moron Chris says that it wasn’t because of Carly that he isn’t with Britt. Which Britt immediately says that she wouldn’t think that he had as simple mind of that to think that. What?

YOU TOTALLY JUST SPENT ALL OF YOUR TALK TIME INCLUDING THE TALK TIME YOU JUST HAD FIVE SECONDS AGO IN MORON CHRIS’ PRESENCE WHERE YOU FLAT OUT SAY THAT ALL OF THIS IS CARLY’S FAULT! SO, YOU DO THINK HE’S THAT STUPID OF A PERSON TO BE TRICKED ALL BY CARLY!

Follow that up with moron Chris totally not saying anything new besides what Carly said to him about Britt not being ready for shitty ass Arlington, Iowa… SO HE IS SO STUPID TO BE SWAYED BY JUST CARLY!

And yet, moron Chris still kicked Carly off. Why? BECAUSE HE’S A FUCKING MORON!!

What else? What else? What else?

Honestly, Kelsey didn’t do anything new either except for just be crazy, which we already knew.

Every time that crazy woman Kelsey says “Sanderson” – it makes my urethra clench.

What about Jade?

Well, she wore a body hugging dress and whined about how her sexy photos have haunted her for the 1000th time. Hey Jade, let’s be real for a minute, sexy photos are probably the tip of the iceberg with you and it’s not like you’re not about yourself being sexy. You’re not not dressing up your fake boobs and your real butt to be shown off for everyone to see including potential paying photographers to snap more bikini modelling pictures of you.

Moron Chris is a moron and he dumped you because he’s a moron and because he’s on a Disney TV show where he cannot pick the chick with the nudie photos out there because this show is all sorts of bullshit, but at the same time your family calling you a “wild mustang” is both creepy/gross and not inviting for would-be husbands.

Now, I agree with Jade that moron Chris should have said something to her about how he was pretty much ready to get rid of her after meeting her family and after seeing her nudie photos instead of saying stuff to her about how everything was cool and there were no issues and that every makeout session with him in front of his own parents and a in front of a high school at a football game really meant something to him because they didn’t.

And, I do think Jade was crying actual tears because she wasn’t doing the cry face and then there were actual tears that were coming out of her eyes.

Dear Jade, try Match.com – not The Bachelor.

Either way, I bet Jade will end up making out on TV sometime soon on The Bachelor in Paradise.

Who else?

Kaitlyn? Well, she tried to get moron Chris to tell her why he dumped her. She also alluded more to her having this night alone that the two of them “so deserved”, which I guess is the most polite way of saying “condom-less vag-fucking”. Either way, moron Chris did have anything for her. He just said the same shit that meant nothing about how he tried the best he could and he made some mistakes and he had to make a decision and he made it, which means FUCK YOU BITCH – I GOTS MINE, SO KICK ROCKS!!!

They didn’t say it last night, but everyone is rumoring that Kaitlyn is the next Bachelorette, so that means that Kaitlyn is the next Bachelorette because the rumors of Andi and moron Chris came out 100% true, so these will be true too and who the fuck cares.

Kaitlyn is cute, but she’s a simpleton.

NEXT??!!?!?

Um, well, there was Ashely S.

She’s a weirdo. She looked good last night in this 1980’s cocaine party dress. It reminded me of my favorite 1980’s cocaine party dress, which was of course worn by Linda Kozlowski in the cocaine party scene in “Crocodile Dundee”.

Nothing was learned or gained from the Ashely S. interview as she just acted silly per usual and then they tried to yell at her to the point that she would agree to be on Bachelor in Paradise and then she dead panned how weird it is that they’re on TV. It is fucking weird that they’re on TV and you know what I feel like Ashley S. is really just saying what we’re all thinking if you were on the TV show and not at all interested in winning.

The best part of the Ashley S. truth-a-thon was when she mentioned how she just walked out of the house and found where the TV crew was living because she was bored and the rest of the girls in the house were crying and fighting. Yeah! Exactly! Wouldn’t it be fucking weird being in a house with women who have all made themselves crazy after this one guy just because they’re “supposed to”? It would be weird and it would be boring too, especially if you didn’t allow yourself to dupe yourself into getting crazy as well over this guy who is completely underwhelming as a human being.

Did I miss anything?

They did make fun of moron Chris’ dolphin laugh, which I’m happy about.

Next week, there is a THREE HOUR finale.

This show is fucking insane and requires a fuck ton of dedication. I hate it and love it and hate it, but then kind of love it, but then I hate it again and then I’m like whatever and I love it again, but then…