The Bachelor 19 – FINALE – She’s just not that into you

March 10, 2015

THANK GOD – IT’S OVER!!!!

THE CURSED SEAL IS RELEASED AND WE CAN ALL BE FREE (until Bachelor in Paradise starts this summer)!!!! WE CAN ALL LIVE FREELY (meaning we can now watch something else on Monday nights for 2 to 3 hours like House of Cards)!!!!!! YES!!!!!

Last night was the finale for trick ass, punk ass mark Chris Soules’ stupid ass, dumb ass season of the Bachelor.

And you may have guessed from her name trending all day on Yahoo or from the myriad of articles that are more or less lazy FBI background checks on her propagating all over the internet today…

WHITNEY WON!!!!

WOOOOOO!!!! GO WHITNEY!!! YOU WON A PROBABLY ILL-FATED RELATIONSHIP WITH A HALF-MUTE WHO IS GOING TO SPEND THE NEXT YEAR AT LEAST MILKING HIS 15 MINUTES OF FAME FOR ALL IT’S WORTH ALL THE WHILE SPENDING NOT A SECOND THOUGHT ON YOU OR YOUR ADDICTION TO THE COLOR PINK OR HIS MULTITUDE OF FARMS IN IOWA AND THE ALWAYS LOOMING HARVEST!!!!!!!!!!

Congrats, I guess.

So, Whitney won.

She did win. Technically, she totally won. I mean she totally got the final rose and she totally got the engagement ring. That totally happened. He said the “I love you” words and he proposed and all of that totally happened in some stupid ass barn in stupid ass Iowa with a stupid ass stained-glass spraying tie-dye colored light all over this stupid ass moment of theirs.

BUT!!!

The thing is…

HE WANTED TO CHOOSE BECCA!!!

He so did.

Fucking numb nuts Chris wanted to choose Becca, but that Jamie Lynn Spears looking virgin didn’t want anything to do with him. Honestly, it was pretty amazing.

Covered head to toe in about 10 pounds of bronzer, Becca carved a hole into numb nuts Chris’ heart and proceeded to proceeded to put not an ounce of herself into it. She couldn’t have been any less committal to a guy whose TV show she is on for the sole purpose of being proposed to by him.

Becca was all like ‘you can propose to me, but I’m not sure if that’s going to make me like you like you anymore than I do now or ever and I’m also not really that into liking you just because you’re the only guy here.’ Not an exact quote, but it’s exactly what she was feeling.

After however much or little time the two of them spent together, Becca was not down to clown with Chris.

SHE WAS NOT DOWN TO CLOWN!!!!

And if you’re not down to clown then I guess you have to move on and propose to the OTHER girl who is also riding in a limo on their way over to the same exact barn that the not clowning chick is leaving from because this is a fucking game show and that’s how the sanctity of marriage is dealt with on this show.

Seriously, if I was a marriage advocate who thinks gays getting married was a slap in the face to marriage… NO! The Bachelor and The Bachelorette is a fucking slap in the face to marriage. It’s not some great moment between two people who have found each other. It’s a fucking thing that you say you’re going to do because the show is coming to an end and the one chick isn’t feeling it, so you say you’re going to get married to the other one because why not – it’s not like any of this means anything because you don’t HAVE TO get married nor does it matter if you do and then divorce them because the marriage was based on winning a fucking gameshow. A FUCKING GAME SHOW!!!!! AHHHHHH!!!

Whatever your beef with gays is – they dress better and dance better than you probably – they’re not trying to get married because of a fucking game show. They want to get married because of government benefits and because they want the world to know they want to put their genitals together with this other person’s genitals for the rest of their life in a real way. And that’s what the true spirit of marriage is and not some fucking game show.

Back to the fucking proposal bullshit game show…

Per usual, Whitney adorned herself in pink and threw herself and her crazy type A eyes at numb nuts Chris for the entirety of the time she was shown on TV. She will do anything to win or at least pretend like she’s going to marry numb nuts Chris. Throw away her life, throw away her job, pretend like numb nuts Chris isn’t going to try and bang the hell out of his dance partner on Dancing with the Stars whose name is… Witney Carson.

HAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

She spells her name without an H like an idiot… but nevertheless…

HER NAME IS WITNEY TOO!!!!

Too fucking funny!

Whitney – the one on the bachelor who will soon be cheated on with Witney – said that she didn’t watch this season’s The Bachelor and Chris Harrison asked why every which way he could to try and break Whitney into saying that she didn’t watch it because numb nuts Chris was tongue-fucking every chick on the damn show including a 20 year old single mother, a pair of 24+ year old virgins, a clown prostitute, and he totally fucked Kaitlyn.

I’d 100% bet that Whitney has googled this shit in the middle of the night and found out about all the stuff that numb nuts Chris did and I’m sure she’ll see that numb nuts Chris would have totally asked Becca to marry him if she had given him even the slightest bit of confidence that she was at all planning on letting him pop her cherry.

Ugh…

It’s actually making me grossed out thinking about a grown man being into de-virginizing someone. I know it’s grossing you out, but let’s just be clear – I find it fucking creepy as shit as well.

Anyway…

Jimmy Kimmel was pretty hilarious saying point blank to numb nuts Chris that Becca just wasn’t into him… with Whitney right there.

The show kept pushing Ashley S. to be on Bachelor in Paradise.

And the show announced its new setup for the next season of The Bachelorette, which I feel like I don’t understand.

Next season, clown prostitute Britt – who showed up to the finale with about 1/10th of the make-up on that she normally had – and the cutest unemployed wino ever Kaitlyn will both be The Bachelorettes… for one night?

I’m not sure if this is right or not, but I think the idea is that the next season of The Bachelorette will have 25 dudes or whatever show up to the house and both Britt and Kaitlyn will be there and the guys will meet both of them and then at the end of the night the guys will get to decide who is The Bachelorette for that season.

Just another fucking slap in the face from Disney to women everywhere! WOOOO!!!

Also, the count total is 25 for Britt or 25 for Kaitlyn then there are going to be guys on the show who are faking it even more that they are into a chick they’re just supposed to be into because they’re on this game show that says they’re supposed to be into this chick — even though they just voted they would rather be into the only other option chick who they were more cool with faking that they were into her because they are supposed to be into her because this is a game show they signed up to be on.

Stupid.

Fucking hell.

I’d say there’s a 1% chance that Whitney and numb nuts Chris get married.

Thanks for reading!

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