JURASSIC PARK IS WEIRD and LAURA DERN WANTS IT

March 25, 2015

Danielle and I rewatched “Jurassic Park” last night. It is a strange fucking movie. I don’t even know how many times I’ve seen it at this point at least 3 dozen times I would think, but it is a fucking weird movie filled with the dumbest characters ever put on film. 

The girl who strangely looks like a mini-Laura Dern is one of the dumbest movie characters in all of movie history. She’s in a Ford Explorer and an actual T-Rex is standing no less than 15 feet away and she decides to jump into the trunk of the car and find an enormous flashlight and turn it on. Why? Why?!!? Pretty much every creature that has ever existed on this planet would be drawn to a beam of light that is moving around. Human beings would be attracted to a beam of light that is moving around! No one in a horror movie has ever done as stupid of a thing as being in a hiding spot in the dark then going out of their way to find a flashlight to turn it on and to point it at the thing they are worried about killing them.

THEN! 20 seconds after she just turned the flashlight on she is 100% incapable of turning the flashlight off! Incapable! Completely cannot figure out how to turn off a flashlight she literally turned on less than a minute ago.

Later, she references herself as a “hacker” and is shown to be a whiz with computers. I guess if the flashlight was turned on and off with Linux software – she would’ve been able to do it.

The movie is also filled with the oddest humor, which makes all the characters seem like sociopath buffoons.

How about Laura Dern being attacked by a velociraptor then an arm falls on her shoulder out of the shadows and she’s all calm for a second like “ohhh, Mr. Arnold” then it turns out it’s a bloody stump of an arm that I guess the velociraptor hid back there for this very moment and that revelation of the bloody arm is what makes Laura realize again that their is a highly murderous dinosaur a couple feet from trying to rip through the tiny little fence between them.

Also, by the end of the movie, Laura Dern is about one more dinosaur chase away from creaming her khaki shorts. SERIOUSLY! She starts off as some archaeological nerd and with every seen Laura Dern fucking wants IT and Wants IT and WANTS IT to the point that she ditches her glasses, ditches her top, and she’s got some pretty serious pokies happening beneath her tank top to the point that they should seriously put those kids in a different chopper off the island because she needs to get Dr. Grant’s D tout de suite in her toot sweet.

I may have missed something on every viewing of Jurassic Park, but…

ARE ALL THE SCIENTISTS AND STAFF OF JURASSIC PARK KILLED BY DINOSAURS?

Where does everyone go?

I feel like they must make some mention of it, but maybe they don’t. Did they escape the island when everyone else was manning the fort?

There are dozens of scientists as well as waiters and chefs on this island. What happened to them? Are they eaten by dinosaurs too?

There’s the shitty, park ranger/doctor who is such a shitty doctor that he doesn’t notice the sick triceratops’ gigantic eyes are dilating. He takes Laura Dern for a ride – not that kind of ride although she certainly wants IT – and then is never seen or heard from again. I mean where did he go? Am I forgetting like a mass exodus sequence where all the chefs and scientists like B.D. Wong get off the island while the rest of our protagonists/morons decide to stay on the island to ‘rassle with the dinos?

AND…

WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH THE “GAME WARDEN”?

More like “gay warden” if you ask me with his sassy khaki shorts showing off more leg than Debbie Does Dallas Laura Dern over there.

First off, he’s a fucking lunatic who wants to kill all the animals in the park, so we might as well make him in charge, right?

Second off, when he finally gets the chance to show off his hunting prowess, he tries to trick the ever-clever raptors by placing his curled-up cowboy hat on a log as if the raptors would spot it and go after that instead of going after him as he tries to flank them. Uhhhhhh, what the fuck?!?!?! What kind of horrible plan is that? That raptor doesn’t know what the fuck that hat is or even going to register that that is a hat and hats are worn by humans, so it should go after it.

IF you’re hunting something and trying to draw it into a trap, you have to put something in the trap area that will lure the animal. A hat ain’t going to do it. Especially, a hat that isn’t even fucking doing anything besides sitting on a stationary log. That raptor and/or any animal ever will just be looking through the jungle and be like, “tree, tree, tree, tree, tree” they’re not going to be like, “tree, tree, tree, hat on a log, tree, tree- WAIT A SECOND! Hat on a log?!??!?! There’s a human under that hat I bet!”

So fucking stupid. Worst hunter ever and worst hire ever by the most inept grandfather of all-time.

Sure, I could criticize Sam Neil’s Dr. Grant character who has a weird perversion with children and, also, doesn’t think to climb around to the other side of the tree where the Ford Explorer isn’t dangling over head, but he’s a mole hill compared to the mountain of idiocy that is John Hammond.

JOHN HAMMOND IS THE FUCKING WORST!!!

Hey, you Santa Claus look-a-like motherfucker, what is going on in your fucking idiot skull?! You’re going to test drive a theme park – that you totally think there’s a chance will kill everyone that steps foot into it – with your grandkids?!

Not only does he test drive the theme park with his fucking grandkids, but could he have a more skeletal crew of people involved with keeping DINOSAURS behind a wire fence? He has one “game warden” for a fucking island of creatures that are all 10x the size of us and we have absolutely no experience keeping control of. ONE GUY IS IN CHARGE OF THAT! Shit, I worked at a non-profit for a few months and my desk was near the mail room and there were 5 people working the mail room. FIVE. Five people sorting mail to be delivered in house to a staff of like 200 people. FIVE. John Hammond hired ONE guy to handle keeping an island of HUNDREDS of DINOSAURS in line from KILLING PEOPLE! John Hammond is the fucking dumbest man ever!

And then when everything falls apart and that Col. Sanders look-a-like motherfucker is simply waiting to hear if his grandkids have been murdered by dinosaurs – what does this fucking idiot do?

HE EATS ICE CREAM WHILE HIS GRANDKIDS ARE POSSIBLY GETTING EATEN ALIVE BY DINOSAURS THAT HE CREATED!!!

Ice cream! The fucking old coot doesn’t grab a walkie-talkie and stand-by pacing around or maybe get off his rich ass and grab a fucking shotgun and try to kill a dinosaur himself. NO! What this fucker does is go into the expansive kitchen of the catering hall and pull out multiple drums of ice cream and then he carries them into the dining room and he just sits down and goes to town on some ice cream. SERIOUSLY!!

This dude bought an island, bought scientists to make dinosaurs, filled the island with dinosaurs, hired less than the minimum of people to run this island and the highly-dangerous dinosaurs that he brought back to life, and then he threw his grandkids into the mix.

Also, he is an actual moron in the movie too. The other characters point out what an idiot he is. Laura Dern mentions that John has filled the island with poisonous plants because they look pretty, but he doesn’t know nor did he do any research to know that they’re poisonous plants. Besides all the shit that we see him do that is dumb that Steven Spielberg probably didn’t intentionally think would make him look dumb and instead thought they would be nice set piece scenes – his character is actually fucking dumb to the other characters.

JOHN HAMMOND IS THE VILLAIN OF THE MOVIE!

There’s a strange scene where he it is setup that he’s the reason why Wayne Knight’s character does the shit that he does that eventually causes all the power to go out. First, he only hired ONE person to code or decode or whatever computer nonsense that Wayne Knight is doing. This plus an apparently low salary and a shitty attitude by John leads Wayne Knight to become disgruntled and fuck them all over.

Plus, the park is just a fucking murder park to begin with. He’s got dinosaurs and raptors just being fed live animals to be torn to shreds. John Hammond is fucking PETA’s worse fucking nightmare. A live cow simply lowered into a room of raptors to tear it to fucking shreds? A live goat tied to a pole for a T-Rex to fucking pick its teeth with? He’s easily the most terrible person alive. That’s all if the park is going well too! Once the park falls apart, it’s just a T-Rex and raptors running loose eating whatever dinosaur they feel like. So, he brought back dinosaurs into existence, so they could either murder or be murdered. Isn’t that the most psychotic thing you’ve ever heard?

And, in the end, he fucking survives too. There should have been a shot of John Hammond sacrificing himself to help save his fucking grandkids. Or a shot of him staying on the island to go down with the ship ala Titanic, which in this case means to get torn to shred by the fucking horrible creations that he unleashed on the world that will all no doubt be killed by each other and/or the poisonous plants he stocked the island with because they were pretty.

FUCK JOHN HAMMOND!

If you’re wondering why I haven’t mentioned Jeff Goldblum or the boy – it’s because those two characters are flawless.

Goldblum points out what a death trap this island is and he tries to fuck Laura Dern and he has to actually tell Sam Neil to worry for the kids’ safety.

The boy? He knows more about dinosaurs than almost all of the adults and appears to know just as much about dinosaurs as Dr. Grant, he has a healthy fear of everything that is going on, and he’s a fucking kid. You want me to find fault in some kid? Disgusting. The girl does all the moronic things in their section of the movie.

The movie is weird. I’ll watch it another million times though. It’s fucking Jurassic Park!

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2 Responses to “JURASSIC PARK IS WEIRD and LAURA DERN WANTS IT”

  1. HeyyyBrother said

    I have to disagree with your assessment of Jeff Goldblum as flawless (in this movie, I mean — in real life he is obviously still flawless). I was thinking about his character this morning while getting ready, and realized he actually references God a shit ton throughout the movie in his arguments. There’s that whole scene in the Jeeps where he’s like “God created dinosaurs, God destroyed dinosaurs, God created man,” and so on. If he’s supposed to be a scientist, that is some majorly flawed writing. What scientist do you know who attributes the beginning and ending of life to any god and not, y’know… science?

  2. Kim said

    Thanks for the laughs — loved your critique. On the other hand, I think the special effects in this movie, now over 20 years old, still hold up well.

    As for where everyone went — it is explained early on in the movie that a tropical storm is on it’s way and all workers are urged via PA system to get to the dock and take the last ferry back to the mainland.

    And if it’s any consolation — John Hammond does die in the book. He’s eaten by a bunch of nasty little compies. It’s a scene that was put in the 2nd movie, The Lost World (which was the worst of the franchise), where Peter Stormare’s character, Dieter, is attacked and killed by the little bastards.

    I’m actually interested in the upcoming Jurassic World to see how they explain that Velociraptors can be ‘trained’. wtf

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