The Bachelorette 11 – episode 1 – Unlovable & Unemployed

May 19, 2015

Does this thing still work? … It appears that it does!

HELLO!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!

I’m back and it’s back and by “I’m” I mean me Jordan Kay-Swidge-Izzle your most favorite blogger of 2009/2010 and by “it’s” I mean the saddest, sexist, and, ultimately, addicting reality dating show The Bachelorette.

You can be happy for both of those things or either or neither. I mean if it is neither, lie to me. Pretend you’re happy about me being back and then I can live in my own little dream world for the rest of time until our mutant overlords show up and rule us for the next 600 years until there’s the alien/mutant war, which is as we all know resolved by the mutant/alien orgy, which completely obliterates the human race except for like 150 people and that’s when the alien/mutants all leave planet Earth and it becomes more or less like a big Colonial Williamsburg for alien/mutants to come to and see how humans “live” and the 150 humans are just kind of pretending they’re living the life of your average Pearl Jam listening to civilian in 1995. And yes, the alien/mutants watch us have sex.

What am I talking about?

THE BACHELORETTE IS BACK!!!

Of course, that is exactly what I was supposed to be talking about.

For season 11 of this dumb ass show, Disney has decided that instead of simply having the show where one girl tries to define herself as the wife of one of 25 random dudes and three months after she’s pretended like she’s done that she’ll announce that they’ve broken up and now she’s going to try and kiss as many other Bachelor failures on Bachelor in Paradise.

This season, Disney decided to add to the humiliation it usually lays on the female gender by giving us TWO Bachelorettes and then having the fucking dolts with dicks who are competing for them decide which one of the two bachelorettes actually can be the bachelorette while the other can go fuck off and die.

Also, this does mean that whoever wins to actually just be the bachelorette – unless she wins by a unanimous vote then she will be the first bachelor/bachelorette to have been straight up insulted by the idiots pining for her knowing that they didn’t even want her at all and/or she is completely replaceable commodity to lust at considering they would have been cool with either bachelorette meaning their unrequited love is not unique in the least bit. Right?

So, the doofs who show up to the house either love chick A or chick B. If they love chick A and chick B gets picked and they stay on the show then they really didn’t love chick A at all and honestly could love any 5’2″, skinny, white girl of moderate attractiveness. That’s like half of the guys in the house. Of course, there are the guys who don’t have a real preference for either and are legit showing up to the show like who really cares who I fall in love with, and that’s what a fucking moron would say because that’s not love.

But that’s all the ruse… they’re on the show hoping to hook up with a chick seemingly and in the process they hope to get famous and get their own season of The Bachelor.

As for The Bachelorettes… they hope they can tolerate and have fun while hoping they can spin this into a spot on the next Dancing with the Stars or possibly a talk show or something. Maybe selling juices that say they have magical curative powers and they’ll make a bunch of money and then sell their share of the business and hope that when the lawsuits come in that they’re not apart of the trial and are allowed to simply enjoy their money in the Bahamas. The American dream!

Who pray tell are these bachelorettes?

BRITT

You remember Britt as the fake-est woman in the world from the last Bachelor, right? Well, she’s back and she’s less make-up-y. She got that message pretty loud and clear that the clown prostitute look needed to be curbed if she wanted Disney to invest money into her next faux love venture.

Across from Britt and as she told us last night she is a different person than Britt…

KAITLYN

You may or may not be able to distinguish this for yourself, Kaitlyn is different from Britt. I needed Kaitlyn to tell me that last night for me to be able to finally see it for myself. Thanks, Kaitlyn! I just thought I had double vision and/or the mutants had already shown-up and this one’s power was making multiples of themselves in different evening dresses.

Anywhatzzle… Kaitlyn is 100% better than Britt. Not that I feel bad for Kaitlyn because it’s not like she’s the greatest ever or anything, but to think that people think you and Britt are the same so much that you feel the need to say that you are different has got to a unique nightmare into itself.

Physically – because let’s be honest that’s all that matters – Kaitlyn is better looking than Britt. Kaitlyn has boobs and a butt and that’s more than I can say for Britt. And that’s really all there needs to be said.

Personality – Britt is a robot specifically designed to mirror the signature fake Los Angeles attitude. Kaitlyn’s got this vibe that she’s high and stupid or more stupid plus high. I don’t know. Britt is just deflecting and being fake as fake can be. Kaitlyn tries to be funny, but it’s not like actual funny. She’s like those laughing models in a J. Crew catalogue. What are they listening to Hannibal Burress’ new stand-up special? No, they’re just good looking with no cares in the world and they live in a vaccuum and education hasn’t been a priority for them, so knock knock jokes make them laugh because they have soft brains. Kaitlyn is a good looking soft brained person, and that is strangely a million times better than Britt.

In their bios, Kaitlyn is mentioned to be a “free spirit” who I imagine is an enormous financial drain on her parents. Britt is mentioned to be in connection with a local church in LA, which I assume means she’s insufferable. Kaitlyn is 29 and Britt is 28.

And those are the two women competing to be The Bachelorette.

And the goof-ta-pusses who get to decide whether Britt or Kaitlyn makes it…

Actually, let me interrupt for a second, I’m not entirely sure I think there will be just one Bachelorette. I kind of think on tonight’s second half of the season premiere we’re going to find out there are two Bachelorettes, but maybe I’m wrong. Honestly, I don’t really care. I’m just throwing that out there…

Let’s meet the doofsicles…

Actually, let me interrupt for another second, UNLOVABLE & UNEMPLOYED – I just wanted to hit on that. I thought I would have said something earlier, but I didn’t.

UNLOVABLE – Pretty clear cut. Britt, Kaitlyn, all the people who have ever appeared or will appear on The Bachelor are unlovable. We got that.

UNEMPLOYED – Well, Britt was listed as a “waitress”, but she was only ever shown giving free hugs out on Sunset BLVD in LA. So, she’s jobless. And Kaitlyn was listed as a “former dance instructor”. FORMER! Her job is that she once had a job. That’s not a job. She’s jobless as well. And there are several dudes on this season who have as much gainful employment as the ladies do, which means they have none.

Let’s rundown the dudes who are unlovable and mostly unemployed…

BEN H.

I just want to throw this out here… I hope none of these fellas are dead.

Remember last time, there was one guy who died on The Bachelor from hang gliding and I didn’t know that and I thought his job as “adventurer” seemed stupid, so I said maybe he should go walk off a cliff and he kind of did that and that was unfortunate. So, if one of these guys are dead and they are dead in a way that I may say they should do self harm to themselves because of their dopey sounding bio then that will be unfortunate as well.

Back to Ben H. here… he’s tall at 6’4″, one of his favorite movies is Crash so he’s probably the most boring man alive, and I don’t remember him being on last night’s episode at all. You could view that as a positive or a negative. I’m guessing he probably tried to start a conversation with someone and as he tried to explain how at 26 years old he loves Crash, Sandlot, and 500 Days of Summer and he just melded with the wallpaper never to be seen of again.

BEN Z.

That’s right. Multiple BENS! It’s going to get confusing… oh wait… it might because Ben Z. is also 6’4″, but this guy has two tattoos instead of just one. Either way, I don’t remember this guy either. He’s probably quite boring as well as the other Ben as he is an “entrepreneur” which means he’s unemployed and if you want to argue with me on that – his greatest achievement is getting his personal trainer certificate —-> UNEMPLOYED. Marc Cuban probably calls himself an entrepreneur too, but his greatest achievement isn’t getting a personal trainer certificate, it’s selling his start-up for several BILLION DOLLARS and owning the Dallas Mavericks and Shark Tank and somehow being likable to a section of American even though he’s a grade A tool bag who hates you.

Let’s just say both Bens suck.

BRADLEY

Is this like a fucking trick Disney is playing on me? Who the fuck are any of these guys?!

Bradley sucks. He played tennis in college and one of his favorite movies is Wolf of Wall Street. That’s someone who should legally never be allowed to procreate.

NEXT!

BRADY

Finally, I remember this asshat. Him and Britt were really hitting it off in a way that Britt was just kind of pretending like she was into him like she has human emotions, but she doesn’t. She’s hilarious. Anyway, Brady is the possible protagonist of my unwritten Summer Catch sequel entitled Summer Catch 2: Still Catchin’. Apparently, Brady played a couple years in the minor leagues for the St. Louis Cardinals and maybe around the time they kicked him off the team or maybe in the clubhouse he listened to too many Jack Johnson albums and now he thinks he’s a soulful singer/songwriter and I hope he takes his slow and soothing voice and falls into a spider cave.

CHRIS

No recollection of this dolt. He’s a dentist and his biggest date fear is the girl trying to eat his food. BIGGEST DATE FEAR? He’s actually AFRAID of his date leaning over and just eating his food like a fat older brother?

NEXT!

CLINT

I remember Clint kind of. He seems bland. They all do. I’m not offended by Clint though. I bet he will laugh at every stupid joke Kaitlyn tells and he’ll say how funny she is and blah blah blah. Kaitlyn is not funny. Amy Poehler is funny. Lauren Lapkus is funny. Whatever Clint.

COREY

Was I drinking bleach last night? I do not have a fucking clue who any of these guys are.

They ask these morons who would they have lunch with and he says “the Dalai Lama” followed by “that is an enlightened cat”. Fuck you, Corey.

NEXT!

CORY

UGH! Another Cory? Just take it from me because I just read his short and uneventful bio… Cory sucks.

NEXT!

DANIEL

It says he’s a “fashion designer”, but he was quite the dancer when he got out of the limo last night. That’s really all I remember. It was like limo door open and end scene of Footloose dancing begins. Dude can dance. He is from Nashville, I remember him saying that a few times and two of his three favorite movies are RED FLAGS… Big Fish and What Dreams May Come. Those are not appropriate answers. Something is wrong with Daniel, I don’t know what exactly, but I gave fair warning on that one.

DAVID

He seems fine. I don’t remember him at all and nothing in his bio really sticks out as much more than he’s a stereotypical dude. David and Clint can go hang out and be dudes and maybe squeak their way through some of the show. Although, that’s not going to help them down the line as they need some type of hook and at this point – their bios seems pretty hookless.

IAN

I’m pro Ian at the moment. Dude came onto the show, which is a negative against him, but that’s a given for all these dudes. Moving on from that, he came onto the show solely for Kaitlyn and he didn’t even speak to Britt and cast his rose to keep Kaitlyn on the show and he told Kaitlyn all of this. That right there means he is at the very least 18,000 steps ahead of the idiots who are actually considering being with Britt.

I think Ian was also a runner in college and then got hit by a car and then rebuilt his body like the 6 million dollar man and now he’s some 6’4″ dude on a mission to fuck Kaitlyn’s about 5 foot frame. So good luck to him on his mission.

JARED

He seems like a creep.

NEXT!

JJ

I was about to say I don’t remember this guy and he seems average like the rest – which he still does – but then I saw this one bit in his bio… “Who’s your favorite actor?
Robert Downey Jr. He seems as cool as the other side of the pillow — also respect for how he dealt with adversity and recovery.” … By adversity, he’s talking about how RDJ did whatever the fuck he wanted his entire life including drugs and breaking into people’s houses and sleeping in their child’s crib high as shit on heroin? Yeah, RDJ is a real hero. A dude who got away with being rich and a drug addict and for years was more or less a male Lindsay Lohan and then he turned it all around by making a shit ton of money when he saw that contemporaries of his were making a shit ton of money in action movies and he thought to himself – why not me? And he did it. He’s the best.

JOE

I don’t like Joe. He started every sentence with “I’m from a small town in Kentucky”. THEN GO BACK TO THAT SMALL TOWN AND DIE THERE! Also, you’ve got more gel in your hair than a large town in Texas. Fuck off, Joe.

NEXT!

JONATHAN

I think they tried to show us some sad story of single fatherdom with Jonathan or some sad story about some shit, but what I do remember is Jonathan saying how they should take them to Utah and he should just marry Britt and Kaitlyn at the same time. Yuckity yuck yuck, Jonathan. Fuck you.

NEXT!

JOSH

Josh is a stripper and a lawyer meaning he is both the worst stripper and the worst lawyer. No one wants a stripper who thinks they’re smart and no one wants a lawyer who is actually such a money grubbing whore that they are shoving their dick in strangers faces for singles.

NEXT!

JOSHUA

I think this guy will do pretty well, actually. He’s a welder who made a rose out of metal and it looked quite good. He’s got the hook with that randomness. His bio reads like that of a very even keel simpleton, except for the part where he said he’s climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro, which means he’ll get to at least week 7 unless he says something racist. Don’t say anything racist, Joshua and you’ll probably make it to the hometowns!

JUSTIN

Justin is one of several fitness trainers on this show and I don’t remember him from the episode and I’m sure he can join some of the other guys as wallpaper personality-wise.

NEXT!

KUPAH

He’s a dinosaur overlord who has plans for world domination using his cannons and turtle shelled minions. He is still having trouble with those two pesky plumbers at the moment. And, Britt and Kaitlyn do not need to worry about his previous unhealthy stalking and kidnapping of Princess Peach because he’s totally over that uppity broad.

Oh wait… it’s not King Koopah? It’s just Kupah?

Oh right. This guy. Yeah, he didn’t have a job and he dressed like Morpheus in The Matrix and he seemed like he was real into feet. That’s my guess, but I don’t think I’m wrong at all. Dude loves fucking feet.

RYAN B.

I don’t think I liked this guy. I’m pretty sure I thought he was really annoying. At the same time, I find them all annoying.

Checking out his bio… two of his three favorite movies are Sliding Doors and Top Gun, so he’s gay.

Guess it doesn’t matter if Kaitlyn or Britt stays because Ryan just wants fame or a piece of the Chris Harrison ass.

RYAN M.

This guy is 1 of 2 probable registered sex offenders who made it onto this show.

Good news though, Ryan M. was kicked off the show for being a drunk asshole. I think he got kicked off for good, but I don’t know. I left the room for a minute or two and he was gone. Maybe Disney executed him. Probably for the best.

SHAWN B.

Kaitlyn wanted this guy’s dick. Like all of it. She wanted his crank, jank, wank whatever you want to call it – she wanted his stank and her stank to just ank together forever.

He’s a personal trainer and he’s taller than a few of the other ones and Danielle thinks he looks like the evil love child of The Situation and Ryan Gosling, so I’m guessing unless Shawn really fucks this up that he’ll be on the show for quite awhile.

SHAWN E.

Besides being an amateur (read: unemployed) Ian Ziering stand-in, Shawn E. is also an amateur sex coach, which means he’s actualized his creepiness into an unpaid job.

If you’re wondering if I think he’s a sex offender, I’d say no. I don’t think he’s ever had sex. I think this is all a lame attempt at trying to have sex. He’s from Canada, so he’s probably just way too polite to even attempt sex.

He sucks.

He did drive up in a car filled with water, which had nothing to do with being an amateur sex coach, so he’s probably just a weirdo liar.

TANNER

I’m not sure this guy was even on last night’s episode.

I think this is Disney punking me. Playing a little joke.

Tanner is not an actual person.

NEXT!

TONY

Last but far from least is resident sex offender #2 – TONY!

Not just a sex offender in my eyes, I totally think he’s a serial killer. Tony calls himself a “healer” and he’s 35 and I believe he’s murdered at least six cold cases across America’s midwest.

Besides being a legitimate creep, Tony showed up to the first episode of The Bachelorette with a black eye. That alone is fucked up and a cause for all the alarms, but he did not mention the black eye to anyone as far as we the viewers could tell. That means he’s a sociopath and possible feeds on the people he’s killed.

I hope Disney allows the authorities to arrest Tony before he gets his next victim, and they take really good notes about Tony’s nefarious activities because I’m sure they would make for a thrilling, sexually deviant storyline for season 3 of True Detective. 

Anyway…

I am flying to San Francisco tomorrow with Danielle for a wedding.

And I think about you lots when I’m in the shower.

I love you?

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