Howdy, readerdoos and readerdoodettes!

Like the title suggests, I am still watching the two hour block of hot garbage known as The Bachelorette every Monday. I forgot to write an episode recap thought thingy and then I forgot again and then I was a few weeks behind, so I just gave up on the whole thing, but don’t you even DARE think for a second that I am not inside on a Monday night metaphorically flogging myself by subjecting my brain to the endless stupidity of the one and only Kaitlyn Bristowe.

Legitimate question…

DOES ANYONE LIKE KAITLYN?

Like actually “LIKE” her? I imagine her parents just look at her as some semi-open mouthed, financial albatross that never stops snorting at the same knock knock jokes and has problems not mounting each and every dick that is presented to her. I mean that’s what I think the parents are thinking.

I feel like there is a very real possibility that the Bachelor guys are the only people on Earth while in that bubble of being on the show that think Kaitlyn is even remotely tolerable as a human being. They must be feeding them sedatives or something for them to even have a passing moment of care for a person who still or if ever laughed at the “interrupting cow” knock knock joke. SHE’S THIRTY YEARS OLD! THIRTY! 3! 0! 30!

As mentioned, I have been watching. I have been hating Kaitlyn with each passing second more and more. At the same time, I hate pretty much every guy on the show with their key flaw being that they seem to think Kaitlyn is an enjoyable human being.

To jump into what’s been happening on the show, I’m going to look at this video that the always hard-hitting ABC News put together when they interviewed the lazy brained Bachelorette and asked her to make a one word association of the guys that were still left on the show.

First thing first, this video was put up before last night’s episode, so she does give her assessment of Ben Z, Cupcake (Chris), JJ, and Tanner … who were all cut last night. If you were wondering why I’m not doing the “.” for JJ or Ben Z it’s because I DON’T FUCKING WANT TO.

Anyway, let’s see what brainiac Kaitlyn had to say about these men… these men she “intends” on marrying.

Actually, I want you to get a chance to guess in your head what you think she said. Spoiler alert – none of them are THAT interesting. Anyway, I’ll put the guys name out there and then I’ll write something about them then I’ll post the word then I’ll say something about that.

BEN H

You may remember Ben H. You, also, may not remember Ben H. That’s a very real possibility if you watch The Bachelorette as it has become the Nick and Shawn B show for the past few weeks with sprinklings of JJ for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Besides them, you may remember the tattle-tale welder who got sold out by all his “friends” or Ian the insufferable egotist who decided to be a real man and tell off a woman. So, Ben H may not be on your radar. What do you need to know about him? Well, he’s less psychotic looking than Cupcake and he hasn’t said anything that has made you think he’s a complete douchebag as of yet, so there’s that. I believe he made out with Kaitlyn on top of a building in New York City, which can be said of almost all of the competitors, so that’s not saying much.

gentleman

That’s what she called Ben H. A “gentle” “man”. He seems to be a man. At least, a cis male. As for “gentle”, well he did do a good job last night bracing Kaitlyn on the subject of her coming to his and Shawn B’s hotel room off camera and when Ben H went to the bathroom and came back – obviously, something had happened between Shawn B and Kaitlyn and he wasn’t going to pry what it was. He did want to know if it was still meaningful for him to be on the show pursuing her. Kaitlyn intimated “yes”, but she’s a lying moron and Ben H is totally “spinning his wheels” as he said and he has no shot at landing this ditzy graveyard of teeth. BURN! I’m roasting this broad!

BEN Z

Well, I think you can flat out guess what she says about Ben Z. Let’s be honest, Ben Z has done just about everything right on The Bachelorette. He’s a good looking dude with a heart breaking back story, but he forgot to do one thing – fucking drag Kaitlyn down with emotional abuse like Shawn B or simply just stick his penis in her like Nick. Apparently, that could have saved Ben Z. Yeah, that’s right. The dude got iced off of last night’s episode. Who would’ve guessed it?

hunky

Yeah, he has muscles. And he was simply a good looking dude. And Kaitlyn couldn’t stand getting to know him for one more fucking second. GET OUT OF HERE, HUNK! WE DON’T WANT YOUR KIND OF HUNK AROUND HERE!

CUPCAKE (Chris)

This jackass. I’m amazed this dude lasted as long as he did. He’s a dentist who looks like Norman Bates and he showed up to the house in a drivable cupcake. I mean Kaitlyn is an idiot, but she’s also a shallow face sucker, so you would think she would have gotten rid of this guy. She did get rid of him. At the edge of a cliff. She flew in a helicopter with this stooge to these cliffs and then she dumps him after he professes his love for her and then she takes off in that helicopter leaving him to contemplate his suicide.

smiley

He smiled a lot. Great insight. After a couple weeks of kissing him and pretending to like him, she said he’s smiley. Also, I’d like to add that any crying that Cupcake did by the cliffs looked horrendously fake as he rolled around off camera.

JARED

I would have said “weasel” or “badger” or something along those lines. Not that his personality fits that. He’s more of a house mouse or something like that, but he just genuinely looks like an anthropomorphized weasel. Whatever. He got the shit kicked out of him by Ben Z for Kaitlyn’s stupid affection. He appears to really think Kaitlyn is humorous, which means that concussion he suffered at Ben Z’s fists really took root.

sweet … BUT she wanted to say “soulmate”

Jared has no fucking shot at bagging Kaitlyn in the end, so when she says “soulmate” I think she means ultimate friendzone make-out partner. The ultimate platonic friend that I smash faces with on occasion, which totally leads him on and he’ll be my underling for the rest of my uneventful life. Also, sweet is another adjective that I think is applied to a friend, especially if it’s the only thing you’re going to say about them.

JJ

He sucks. However many seconds Disney spent on this punk was a waste. Not that many will really remember this guy in a week, but JJ is easily the most harmless and worthless villain in The Bachelorette/Bachelor history. What did he do? He turned his back on his own gay lover to eventually kicked off a couple weeks later and he helped get rid of a guy who was so drunk on the first night of the episode that he was already going to get kicked off. Way to go, JJ! You really villained it up good. And yes, JJ did get the axe on a double date with Joe, which means Kaitlyn picked the cro-magnon Joe over JJ. And JJ is a father to boot who thought it would be better to be on this show than to be a father to his kid. Nice.

goofy

It took Kailtyn a minute to think of something and then she screwed up her face more than she usually does when she does just about anything. I guess “goofy” is a good word to describe some ignoramus who actually thought he was influencing the proceedings of the show by making it seem like he was having a homosexual relationship while not on dates with Katilyn. So, I guess goofy is a good word to describe him.

JOE 

He looks like handsome Beavis. Not that I think Joe is handsome, but in comparison to Beavis – he’s a handsome version of the MTV cartoon character. Outside of being on the show still and having a southern accent, Joe hasn’t done much of consequence. Oh yeah, he showed off his testicles to everyone during that random ass sumo wrestling “date”. So, there is that. And I guess Kaitlyn really enjoyed Joe’s testicles because he’s still on the show. He was on that double date as mentioned and she chose Joe’s testicles over JJ. I guess that’s saying something for him. Although, it did sound like half if not all the reason she got rid of JJ was because he had a kid and no one hates kids more than a Bachelor or Bachelorette. THEY HATE KIDS! YOU HAVE A KID? GET OUT OF HERE!

hilarious

Yeah, I don’t know about that. Kaitlyn will literally laugh like a fucking jackal at a stiff breeze and, yet, I do not remember a single time outside of Joe showing off his testicles that Kaitlyn laughed at anything Joe has done. He does really appear to talk, in general. All of last night’s episodes had Kaitlyn crying and crying and crying, so I don’t think he said anything funny when he got chose over JJ. I guess we’ll have to take Kaitlyn’s word for it that he’s hilarious because I’ve seen no evidence to suggest that forehead of his is housing a chuckle factory.

SHAWN B 

Much like Ben Z, you could take a guess and probably be 100% right on what Kaitlyn said of this broke ass Ryan Gosling. What I’ve both truly enjoyed and been fully disgusted by is Shawn B’s utter meltdown over his “love” for Kaitlyn. Apparently, Shawn B is from Windsor, CT and while I have little to no love for “The Nutmeg State”, I am surprised by the idea that Shawn B can’t find a single chick who is not a million times better than Katilyn. I really hope he’s acting, but he does seem like a mental patient over Kaitlyn and that’s depressing. But as mentioned, I am enjoying the fact that someone who has worked their body out to such an extent that Shawn B has that he’s still absolutely terrible finding love. You know? Aren’t we all happy by that? Just me? Anyway…

babe

Yeah, shocker. I’m kind of unsure how I feel about Shawn B’s drama will affect him with Kaitlyn. Actually, I think it is doing a good job because her brain can’t focus on too many things, so I think Shawn B has done a good job absorbing the small attention span Kaitlyn has. He doesn’t know that Kaitlyn stuck Nick’s dick inside of her, but outside of that there isn’t a single guy who can hold a candle to how much attention Kaitlyn gives Shawn B. And so far, Shawn B hasn’t committed the real sin of The Bachelor/Bachelorette, which is to question The Bachelor/Bachelorette’s motives of being on the show. Outside of that, I feel like other women would have dumped Shawn B for being so dramatic and clingy and in need of approval all the time, but they may also be transfixed by his abs and keep him around. Who knows?

TANNER

If you forgot there was a guy on the show named Tanner then do not feel alone. We all forgot about Tanner. Anyway, Tanner one time was like “I don’t know about Nick, but I’m a big wuss, so I’m not going to be offended by you bringing in Nick”. I think he was like that, I don’t really remember. Outside of that, he’s kind of just skated on in the background getting a free trip to Ireland. Good for you, Tanner.

genuine … took a minute to think of something

Not surprising, it took Kaitlyn a minute to really remember who Tanner was and anything discernible about him. What Kaitlyn came up with is an incredible general comment that boils down to him not being a liar. You can call all non-liars in your life – genuine. You could even call a liar genuine if you mean they’re a genuine liar or you simply just don’t know that they lie. Tanner? Hmmmm, well, he’s himself. He’s really himself. You know? Like Tanner is Tanner. He’s that guy. He’s that guy named Tanner, genuinely.

NICK

If there was a race to see who could get their dick in Kaitlyn first – which of course there was – then Nick won that. Actually, Nick appeared to win that race on the last season of The Bachelorette as well with Andi. As the show goes on, I’ve disliked Katilyn more and more and in turn have rooted for Nick more and more because fuck Kaitlyn and he’s an idiot too, so fuck Nick. I mean Kaitlyn doesn’t seem like much of a prize, so you might as well saddle that idiot Nick with the burden of being with Kaitlyn too.

intense

Sure? I mean he’s a word fumbler who shoves his parts inside you, so yeah – intense. I have to assume that Nick smells amazing. That’s honestly what I HAVE TO assume. Because curb appeal, I wouldn’t think chicks would be into his brillo pad hair or his truly annoying wormy cadence. So, I’m guessing he’s got his pheromone game on point. He’s probably got a mix of patchouli and GHB working as a cologne and it’s highly effective on idiot women who sign up to be on a kissing contest, dating game put on by Disney. And Nick is still holding strong on the show and he hasn’t fully admitted that he’s banged out Kaitlyn to everyone. He said it was “intimate” and that’s it.

Seems like next week, Kaitlyn will spill the beans that she fucked Nick.

Now, I think the other guys should be pissed by this and at the very least have every right to be pissed by Kaitlyn fucking Nick. I think that each guy has to be honest with themselves that there’s a chance – a good chance – that she’s going to fuck one of these guys if not all the guys who end up making it to the “fantasy suite” date. If they’ve watched the show and of course they have, then they know that they get the chance to spend an overnight with Kaitlyn then. Before then, they’re all bunking up in rooms with each other and Kaitlyn is off somewhere else. They can be disappointed that she fucks someone on the overnight, but they realistically know that’s a real possibility then.

BUT! Well before then, Kaitlyn has banged Nick. I mean I think the thing that they should be most pissed about is that they weren’t the one who banged her. Of course, that’s first. But I think the general rule of thumb that they’re all simply making out with her and it isn’t going passed that is accepted at least at this point in the show’s history. But taking a guy back to the room and banging him, is a step beyond. It’s a line where they get she’s not going to be a total prude and not not kiss a guy for weeks of “dating” him before she decides to get engaged to him. But straight up banging a dude seems a little excessive especially when there is a night specifically designed for that then.

I think it’s a lack of respect she’s showing the dimwits who signed up to be with her, but she’s a dimwit and they’re dimwits, so I guess who gives a flying fuck.

And lastly…

KAITLYN

She sucks. Not funny. Not charming. I hated fake farmer Chris for many reasons, but one of them was definitely because his brain didn’t work and he simply acted like a kissing robot. And that’s what Kaitlyn is as well. Makes sense she was on his season, right?

beautiful… smart, hilarious, funny … followed by her trademark cackle 

Yeah, I don’t know about any of that, Kaitlyn.

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