NFL’s (American Professional Tackle Football) Wins Predictions – My biased thoughts

September 9, 2015

WHADDUP!?!?!?!!?!

I just looked and I hadn’t posted since the end of June, which – honestly – was a lot more recently than I was even expecting. But everything feels so far away. SO FAR AWAY! Back in June, I was watching The Bachelorette and, now, in September I’ve forsaken the ABC/Disney franchise forever. Kaitlyn really killed that show for me. I had a short love affair with the show. It started with Juan Pablo and really ever season after that got worse and Kaitlyn was the nail in the coffin. So, there’s that.

Did Kaitlyn even end up with the penis-nosed, Alf look-a-like? I can’t even remember.

Anywhatzzle…

I want to talk a little professional tackle football aka…

THANK FUCK FOOTBALL IS BACK!!!!!

And, honestly, you can read that statement any way you would like…

  • Thank, fuck. Football is back!!!
  • Thank, fuck football, is back!!!
  • Thank! Fuck football is back!!!

Whatever. I’m cool with all of them.

So, let’s talk about the 2015 NFL season in terms of wins and losses and not in terms of deflated footballs in a playoffs game or possibly your favorite football franchise signing a known dog murderer to a veteran’s minimum 7 figure contract. BECAUSE IF WE TALK ABOUT THAT OTHER STUFF I’M GOING TO MOTHERFUCKING EXPLODE!!!!!

No, let’s just talk wins and losses… puh-lease!

I did a little google search and found the over-under wins predictions for the website Sportsbook.ag. This is the shit you can bet on. Will team X have more than 5 wins or less or one day come up with a better name than X?

I’m going to post what Las Vegas and/or Sportsbook.ag says that you can legitimately bet money on and then I’ll say what I think about their pseudo prediction. Ok?! OK!

How about we “tackle” this task by going worst to first? Let’s roll out the losers!

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS – 5.5 – Right off the bat, I say that’s too many wins for the Jaguars. They did make so moves this off-season, but I wouldn’t say any of them will really result in wins. They’re not a strong ball club on offense or defense and they’re not strong at home or on the road, and they play a home game in England yet again. I don’t see them besting many and I bet we’ll hear about them not being able to sell out games like last year. Soon enough their home games will be like that New Year’s Eve, empty-arena, no rules match between The Rock and Mankind, which ended with The Rock being pinned by a fork lift. God bless, pro wrestling.

TENNESSEE TITANS – 5.5 – More. I’d go higher on this. I don’t think that the Titans are world-beaters or anything, but I think they’ll crack 6 wins this year. I think they’ll grab two against the Jaguars to begin with. I think Marcus Marriota and/or Zach Mettenberger aka poor man’s Ben Roethlisberger will be able to galvanize a bit of offense with a better run defense. I think they can be a trap game. I’d go more on that one.

OAKLAND RAIDERS – 6 – That’s kind of where I’m expecting them to be at, so I would go more than less. I think the Raiders have some talent and they have proven to be a tough divisional team giving the Chiefs and Chargers fits at least. I’m not pro them enough to say they’ll muster 8 wins or anything because its been a dog’s age since that happened, but 6 is more than doable. They’re a team to watch for at least as far as entertainment is concerned. They’ve got a young and mean defense generally speaking and they’ve got a young and wild offense generally speaking.

TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS – 6 – Less. I don’t think rapist Jameis Winston is getting 6 wins this year. One would think they would have to be better than they were last year, but last year they were 2-14. TWO!!! So, it’s crazy for me to think they’ll get 4 additional wins to the 2 they barely scraped out. I don’t have faith in them. Their defense sucked last year and so did their offense. Like I said, could or should they be better? Sure. But THREE HUNDRED PERCENT BETTER? That’s nusto.

CLEVELAND BROWNS – 6.5 – Less. They suck. Seriously? You think I’m going to bet the Browns win 7 fucking games? That’s fucking crazy pants. Who is starting over there? Johnny fucking “don’t call me Johnny Football” Football is starting or will be starting over there and you’ve got to be crazy to have faith in him. The rest of the team hasn’t gotten any better, meanwhile they’ve had a litany of off-field problems with their coaches that truly shows no one should think these MFers are getting seven wins. YOU’RE DRUNK, SPORTSBOOK.AG, GO HOME!

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS – 6.5 – I’d say less. This team is so different than the team it was last year or even more so two years ago that they shouldn’t even be legally cool to call themselves the San Francisco 49ers. The coach is gone, the defense is gone from either retiring or being in jail, and half the offense is gone. Why am I picking 7 wins? I couldn’t in all good conscience pick 7 wins for this team. This season will be a disaster for them and Colin Kaepernick will end up on another team next year.

WASHINGTON REDSKINS – 6.5 – Are you fucking nuts? Man, what has Sportsbook.ag been smoking? Crack, I suppose. Or meth. I don’t know, but 7 fucking wins? Good gracious. That’s nuts. That team is near mutiny and you think I’m going to put my hard earned money down on motherfucking 7 wins?! I’m trying to pay for a wedding over here! What is wrong with you. No, they’re not getting that many wins. They’ll be lucky if they survive 16 fucking games let alone win 7 times. Fuck you, seven my ass.

CHICAGO BEARS – 7 – I’d say less. I don’t have faith in the Chicago Bears at all. I mean what the hell do I know, but that defense is in shambles and the offense is in shambles, so… yeah, fuck no. Fuck no. I’m not betting that this fucking team is getting 8 motherfucking wins. Man, Sportsbook.ag, you’ve got me furious up in this mug! AHHHHHH! You think the Bears are going to get 8 wins? If I could, I’d give you a slap for these transgressions!

MINNESOTA VIKINGS – 7.5 – 8 wins? You know what – I’d say take it. I’m not as strong on this opinion on some of the others, but I think they have the ability to make this happen. I think they could easily take a pair of wins against the Bears and I think they can nab a pair of wins from their other divisional games, so that’s 4 wins right there. I like their coach Mike Zimmer and as much as I think Adrian Peterson should be in jail for beating his kids like Joe Jackson, he’ll most definitely help the team. And the Vikes had a decent running game last year without them. They had 7 wins last year and I think they can get 8 or 9 this year.

NEW YORK JETS – 7.5 – Nope. Man what the fuck, Sportsbook.Ag?! I don’t know who I’m angrier with – Kim Davis or Sportsbook.Ag?!!??!?! 8 fucking wins for the fucking Jets? No fucking way. No way. Who are they beating? I’d take a parlay bet right now that the Jets go 0-6 in their own division. I’d bet they lose to the Bills twice, they lose to the Pats twice, and they lose to the Dolphins TWICE. They’re not getting fucking 8 wins. No fucking way. Fuck the Jets and their bullshit ass 8 wins. THEY WERE 4-12 LAST YEAR!!! Seriously, this is fucking nuts to think they’re going to get 8 fucking wins. Good lord, I need to start betting on this shit!!! AHHHHH!!!

ST. LOUIS RAMS – 8 – That’s around where I might put them. The Rams have been good/great at home this past few years, so 8 games are played at home and its doable for them to earn nearly all 8 wins and then get some games on the road. I expect their defense to be good and I expect their offense to be more consistent this year. Who knows? They could just suck. I would like to think Nick Foles will play well for them, but at the same time I feel like Nick Foles will get crushed early in the season and then we won’t see him until he gets traded next season. I don’t know, but I feel like 8 wins is around where I would pick them, so I don’t feel comfortable picking the over or under, but I’m an optimist so I’m picking over.

Here come the 8.5’s. In life, if someone says you’re an 8.5 then you should probably be flattered at first, but then you should kick that fuck – man or woman – in between their fucking legs for judging you like that. I’m a 10 MOTHERFUCKER! Anyway, in football, 8.5 ain’t that great. It means you’re just above average and we can’t decide if you’re going to fuck up this season or seize that brass ring.

ARIZONA CARDINALS – 8.5 – I’d like to pick over. I’d like to think they’ve become a consistently good football team. Consistently earning 10 wins means you’re a fucking good football team. Consistently earning 9 wins means you’re a good but not great football team. I think the Cardinals should be reaching that 9 to 10 to 11 and so forth consistent range. With the 49ers looking like garbage to me, the Cards should get two wins there to begin with. I really liked what I saw out of them last year and they’re really a fun team to watch play football most Sundays. I’m picking more.

ATLANTA FALCONS – 8.5 – Less. I can’t picture them getting 9 wins. Why? Sure, they should be able to pick off Tampa twice, but who else? This list has the Panthers at 8.5 and the Saints at 9, so it doesn’t even sound like Sportsbook.Ag thinks the Falcons will rule their division. The Falcons have sucked the past few years and I don’t think they’re turning it around to that much of a degree this year.

BUFFALO BILLS – 8.5 – I don’t know. As mentioned, I’m an optimist, so I think they could get 9 wins this year, but, at the same time, they went 9-7 last year and that was with the help of Kyle Orton as their QB and he’s gone now. Their defense was already playing badass last year, so adding Rex Ryan as the head coach should only mean they’ll be similarly as good – maybe better – at defense. But offensively? I don’t know. Rex was never an offensive genius and the team will be lead by either rookie Tyrod Taylor or broken former rookie EJ Manuel. I don’t think either of them can play 16 straight games and I don’t know if I have faith in them to win 9 games again. It’s certainly possible, but who knows. I think they’ll be around that 8-8 mark, but I’m not sure which side of it.

CAROLINA PANTHERS – 8.5 – If it wasn’t for Kelvin Benjamin going down with a torn ACL, I’d pick more wins in a heartbeat. I guess I’m still going to pick more wins, but it’s just tough when your seemingly best offensive option, outside of your QB, gets sidelined for the whole year with an injury. Their defense better show like it did the last couple years and Cam better be ready to do some magical shit because that’s how this team wins games. I’d go more, but I also am a biased Cam Newton fan.

CINCINATTI BENGALS – 8.5 – Less. I don’t know. There has to be a real breaking point with this team. They keep making the damn playoffs, but they’re just not a particularly good football team. But who knows. I also hate the Bengals. Whatever.

DETROIT LIONS – 8.5 – I’m saying less. I think the other shoe is dropping this year with them losing Suh. I think the aura around that team will be a lot more beatable as their defense has gotten less scary. I know that they picked up Ngata from Baltimore and he’s the man, but seriously that team’s D was defined by Suh and I just don’t know if it is there without him. As for the offense, it had more options last year than year’s prior, but I feel like teams will catch-up to what they’re doing. They’re still a passing team that relies on Megatron to catch the chucks. Golden Tate worked out great last year for them, but this year I think teams will be ready to tangle with Tate and Megatron.

HOUSTON TEXANS – 8.5 – I’d like to say more. I really would, and I will because of the whole optimist thing. If their defense is healthy, they’re scary as fuck on paper. It’s tough to ask J.J. Watt to again win football games all by himself like he did last year, but what’s stopping him? This year, he’ll have Vince Wilfork and, seemingly, Jadeveon Clowney helping him and that’s fucking huge. Absolutely huge. Their defense could be the best in the league. Their offense? I mean they have some options. DeAndre Hopkins could be a star receiver this year and they added Cecil Shorts and whatever. I think it is definitely doable. I may be drinking the Hard Knocks Kool-Aid, but I think they can get 9 wins. Can’t wait to watch that defense play some ball.

Sidenote… I’m very glad Charles James II ended up getting on a team because if he didn’t then I may have cried after last night’s Hard Knocks. Kind of wanted to cry tears of joy for that weirdly socks-ed man.

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS – 8.5 – I wouldn’t put money it. I just wouldn’t. Haven’t heard much about the Chiefs this off season and that could be good or bad. Their offense was beyond underwhelming last year – they didn’t score a single touchdown with a wide receiver. That’s fucked up. I love Jamal Charles, but it’s not like teams don’t know about him. Their defense has been quite good/great, but who knows. I wouldn’t put money on 9 wins.

NEW YORK GIANTS – 8.5 – Almost by default would I say that the Giants are going to get 9 wins because I think the Redskins will suck and I think the Cowboys will not be good. The Giants need to get their shit together. Their #1 defensive player blew off his GOT DAMN finger. Jason Pierre Paul has NINE fingers. It’s nutso. If they played in any other division almost, I would say their team had no shot, but the NFC East seems weak as hell and I think they can still give those other stupid teams a run for the money. Who knows though. Seriously, who the fuck knows with the G-Men?

PITTSBURGH STEELERS – 8.5 – More. I’m shocked that this isn’t more difficult. Seriously, 8.5? I’d bet more on that definitely. The Steelers had statistically the #1 QB, WR, and RB last year. I know a lot of shit has changed this year for the Steelers, but I think they are a team that can give any team a rough go and beat them. The Steelers eviscerated the Colts last year and they were one of the most dominant regular season teams last year. If the Steelers could all stop smoking weed while driving cars or whatever it is that they’re all getting caught doing then this team is an easy playoff favorite. I think they’ll have their good and bad moments like always, but I’d say they’re a 10 win team without a doubt.

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS – 8.5 – I’d say less. I don’t think they improved from last year. I think they’ll have a 7-9 season that will seem disastrous and they’ll be the Los Angeles Chargers next year and from that moment on I will actively root against them until LA ends up forgetting about them and in 10 years they’ll be back to being the San Diego Chargers. How about that?!

MIAMI DOLPHINS – 9 – I’d say around that and I’d say more. I’d say 10 wins is doable for the Dolphins. I think their defense is stout and their offense consistently gets better. I think Tannehill turned a corner in competitive play last year. I feel like you can’t question Tannehill’s heart or his toughness or his willingness to win. The dude was out there giving it his all and I think that will pay dividends this year. I think he could be a leader in the lockerroom and I think if the defense is behind him then they could win 10 games. I think the key to that defense this year is making Suh believe that the Dolphins are the team that will get him into the post-season the way the Lions weren’t. I don’t know if Suh is married or what, but Tannehill needs his pretty blonde wife to get her pretty friends to fucking throw themselves at Suh and make him feel like he’s GOT DAMN CONAN THE BARBARIAN out there in Dade County. The Pats probably win that division like always, but I think it could be a 10 or 11 win Dolphins team possibly making the playoffs.

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS – 9 – If it wasn’t for the fact that they get to play the Falcons and Bucs twice a year… but I don’t know. Isn’t this team done, yet? I mean how many more years is Drew Brees going to play like he does in our heads? I don’t think they improved in any area that I can truly think of. I don’t think I would be comfortable saying 10 wins at all. I’d say less. Drew Brees is 36. It’s got to stop at some point, right?

BALTIMORE RAVENS – 9.5 – 10 is a big number. They lost a few players on defense and offense that I think they’ll definitely miss. They’ve got a good coach and a great general manager, so I have faith they are able to fill those vacancies. 10 is doable for them. I think the Ravens will be able to grab 4 wins against the Bengals and Browns and they’re just generally a good/great football team. We’ll see though. Their running game was solid last year with Forsett, so we’ll see what that guy has in the tank this year. I’d say more.

DALLAS COWBOYS – 9.5 – Less. I don’t think they have it this year. I think this is a bad season for them and Jerry Jones offs Jason Garrett at the end of it. I think their defense will get exposed this year as they will be on the field more than they ever were last year. I think the loss of Demarco Murray will be incalculably bad. Seriously, you can’t have a player having a record season like that then lose him and expect you’ll be able to do what you did last year. That’s just crazy thoughts. I feel like what Murray did easily affected them at every level and without that – they’ll be a shell of what they were. They’ll have a dangerous passing game and probably an ok running game with that offensive line pushing it, but I think it will be far more manageable for any and all of their opposition.

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES – 9.5 – Someone has to win the games in this division, right? I don’t think I’m comfortable betting 10 games won by the Eagles. I think I would say they’re going to win the division, but that may be at 9-7. I don’t know about money down on 10 games. So many weird moves made by Chip Kelly this off-season and I’m not sure about any of them. Demarco Murray will be running behind a worse O-line than he had last year as well as the fact that he’s now a severely used and abused version of himself from last year. As great as Murray was last year, I don’t know how he’ll bounce back. It is incredibly tough for RBs to have back-to-back great seasons. Just so much tough sledding.

DENVER BRONCOS – 10.5 – Yeah, why not. It’s still fucking Peyton. It’s still that defense. I think they’ll be similar to what they’ve been. Probably a little more beatable, but I think they’ll still beat way more teams than they’ll lose to.

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS – 10.5 – Yep. Of course. Why wouldn’t they get 11 wins this year? They’ve got no reason, absolutely no reason to not get 11 wins this year. The Colts should be a 13-3 or 14-2 team this year, so if they’re not then they suck and fuck Luck if he doesn’t get 13 wins this year. C’mon, neck beard, show us what you got.

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS – 10.5 – Fuck them. Fuck them. Fuck them. Of course, 11 wins. Of fucking course, 11 wins. Not even a fucking question at this point. Fuck them.

GREEN BAY PACKERS – 11 – 12 wins? I don’t know about that. These numbers went in before Jordy Nelson went down with a torn ACL, so that has to change things. Do I think they can win 12 games without Nelson? It’s entirely possible. Entirely possible. Not sure I’d put money on it. I’d say they’d be lucky with 11 after losing their past offensive weapon. They’re still the easy odds on favorite to win that division in my mind though, but I don’t know if they’ll need 12 wins to do it.

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS – 11 – Yep. Of course. Should’ve won the GOT DAMN Super Bowl, but they didn’t and they’re still a fucking menace as a football team. I wouldn’t wish an away game in Seattle on my worst enemy at this point. Russell Wilson is still the most undervalued, underrated, underappreciated player in the league. I don’t see that changing this year. He should have more weapons to use this year. If they can get Jimmy Graham catching jump balls then they should be a menace, if they can get Marshawn Lynch running for 1,600 yards they should be a menace, if they can get their defense playing half as great as they did the past couple years — fucking menace. I’d put money on 12 wins.

WELL THAT’S IT FOR ME FOR TODAY!

FOOTBALL!

It starts tomorrow night with my Steelers versus the evil Patriots.

Smooches.

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One Response to “NFL’s (American Professional Tackle Football) Wins Predictions – My biased thoughts”

  1. PWG said

    Ha, I found a wedding registry for you because I am awesome and watched a shit ton of Hart to Hart and Remington Steele as a child.

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