October 15, 2015
I am a husband.
Well, at least, I think I am. I live in a state of being where I am Danielle aka @_dharv aka heyyybrother’s husband, but whether or not the courts see it that way is really up for them to one day tell me. What I’m trying to say is that we have received any notice about whether our marriage license is legit or not, and I’m not sure when that is supposed to happen or if I’m the one that has to contact them, but – either way – just kind of wishing and hoping that this marriage is as concrete in the government’s records as it is in my own records, which are the gin and champagne soaked memories of our wedding on September 26th.
Yes, yes, yes… as the title reads, I did in fact cry at three different points at Danielle and I’s wedding.
I’m not talking about full on vomitting tears out of my eyes kind of crying, but there were tears and I had to wipe them away. And there were less tears with each of the three instances chronologically as well. Not that that really matters, but if you’re already starting to prepare an oil or water color portrait of me crying in each of these wedding situations then I’m just laying it out there that the first is the most severe then the second and the last was a tear or two coming to the ridge of my eye lid that I quickly absconded and got back to the business of looking stately at MAH WED-DUN.
So yeah, let’s talk about it!
The day Danielle and I got married…
also known as
The day I started wearing jewelry…
also known as
The best day of my life, MOTHERFUCKERS!
WOOOOOO!!!! U-S-A!!! U-S-A!!! U-S-A!!!
There are some funny stories about the night before the wedding and the night before the night before the wedding, but I’m not going to really go to deep into them…
But who are we kidding I’ll mention a couple things…
- Danielle and I had agreed I would give some welcome speech/toast after the first dances and before our parents were going to speak and the best man – who was Dawgz, by the by – and the best woman spoke. But as we got closer to the wedding, Danielle started worrying I would blow it. So, she wanted me to write down stuff and let her hear it. Then I did come up with a speech, but it was a lot longer than Danielle was expecting. So, we went down Thursday night to Asbury where we got married and went out to dinner and had drinks with my lifelong buddy Jay and his wife Echo – Jay was the one marrying us through the Universal Life Church. I bought Jay a bottle of Lagavulin Distiller’s Edition, which is a very nice scotch as a thank you for marrying us and then Jay and I proceeded to drink like 60% of the bottle. Jay and Echo go back to their hotel via Uber. Danielle and I and our dog Coco are in our hotel – The Berkeley, which is where we got married – and it’s like 1am or so and we’re in bed and I’ve had some to drink and my requisite Ambien, and now is the time Danielle wants me to do my speech. So, lying in bed and all liquid from things in my body, I give my speech and she secretly times it at 13 minutes, but it’s not like I was really nailing the speech. Nevertheless, she had some notes about my delivery and wording and whatever because two nights later I fucking nailed the fuck out of that speech … and I did make the changes she requested. Whatever.
- Our rehearsal dinner on Friday night was the tits. It was unbelievable. It was at Pascal & Sabine in Asbury, which is by far one of our favorite restaurants in el globo and the whole dinner was amazing. We friends and family and we all ate great food and drank a shit ton of wine and got super loaded and then went to a bar to meet more friends and had drinks there. Then I got back to my folks’ house at like 1am and didn’t fall asleep until like 4 or 5am and was really just running on adrenaline the day of my wedding.
The day of the wedding… the wedding day!
I met up with my groomsmen – Dawgz, Stuff, and the Drake – and we were all hungover. We started casually drinking beers at like 10am, which wasn’t really helping nor hurting. I suggested we run across the street and jump into the Atlantic Ocean. They agreed. Turns out there was a cancer walk happening on the boardwalk in Avon that day, so they got a good look of me in my underwear with my groomsmen and us frolicking in the Atlantic screaming “Woo!”, “Marriage”, “River Hunks”, and a host of other things you may or may not expect to hear us yelling in our underwear.
We ended up getting sandwiches from the Speakeatery – best sandwich shop to ever exist ever – and going back to the hotel and hanging out with Coco in the hotel room. Eventually, we all had to take showers and get dressed because the photographer was going to come in and take pictures of me reading the letter Danielle had written me, us tying our ties, putting on our jackets and boutonnieres, cufflinks, shoes, and us posing with the plastic pistols filled with tequila that I bought them as their groomsmen present.
So, that’s the setup. Now, let’s hit the three times salty liquid felt behooved to leave my eyeball…
THE FIRST LOOK
As mentioned, these are in chronological order and in order of when I shed the most tears. Originally, Danielle wanted our ‘first look’ aka ‘the first time I see her in her wedding dress, which she had bought from Kleinfeld’s a year plus earlier’ to be traditional and at the altar. Or more specifically, when she walks down the aisle. Then our photographer – who is the best – and a few others had mentioned if we did the first look then we wouldn’t be able to get the majority of the pictures done before the ceremony and we would miss the entirety of the cocktail hour plus probably some other shit. Anyway, the cocktail hour was too important to us to miss, and the first look beforehand seemed more sensible with it being a private moment instead of in a room full of people.
Danielle had also expressed to me many many times that I – who usually keeps my cards very close to my chest – needed to have a big reaction to when I saw her for the first time in her wedding dress. Just saying… she said that… several times…
And I did.
The photographer grabbed me from the hotel room – leaving Jay and the groomsmen and Coco to watch college football and eat potato chips – to stand in this floor to ceiling window mezzanine that’s very pretty at the Berkeley. I knew the bridal suite was down the hall from where we were and they had me face in the opposite direction and I wasn’t supposed to turn around until Danielle tapped me on the shoulder.
Besides the awkwardness of that and what felt like eternity standing there facing a corner of a room like the fanciest “Blair Witch Project” scenario, I started getting emotional.
I really let my mind focus in on the moment and play with it. I started thinking about the implications of this moment and everything that led up to it and how sure I was of it all and how sure Danielle must feel as well. Then I got all nerdy and started thinking about “The Sandman” comic book and the Greek mythology or Roman mythology… I think Greek… with his son Orpheus I believe trailing him as The Sandman is walking through these catacombs and he’s not supposed to turn around to see him because if he does then he damns him to eternity in Hades or something and there was just a lot of nerdy emotion from that and I was just getting pretty fragile is what I am saying.
I could hear Danielle swooshing in her dress a little bit, but I could really hear her giggling as she approached me, and when she tapped me on the shoulder and I turned around and saw her for the first time in about 15 hours and she’s in her wedding dress which was perfect and her hair and make-up was perfect and she was smiling and we were getting married in a couple hours – I just started crying.
Tears. Not sobbing, but a lot of tears. And if Danielle really wanted to see her giant ginger man with tears streaming down my face like I was watching ‘Up’ for the first time then guess the fuck what – she got it. HAPPY WEDDING DAY!!! YOU’RE A CRYING MESS!
As for the much bally-hooed dress, it lived up to expectations and then some. After watching one million episodes of “Say Yes to the Dress” – which I do enjoy as a show where you judge the shit out of people and it’s almost entirely focused on how a woman’s boobs and butt look in a dress – and deciding what dresses are good and what are bad and after making a mad dash into New York City on the Tuesday before our wedding and getting the dress like we were smuggling out the President and so on, I did love the dress. I tried not to have any preconceived notions about the dress or play any guessing games with Danielle to lead me into more preconceived notions about the dress, the dress did look somewhat like I was guessing. I knew it would be strapless and have a sweetheart neckline, I was guessing some ruching, and I was guessing a belt. So, I got that right. Either way, it was perfect. Perfect. Perfect.
TURNING AROUND AFTER LEAVING THE CEREMONY ROOM
It was a good thing we did the first look instead of the ceremony first look because I didn’t cry or even come close to crying at the ceremony. That was probably because I had already cried a bit, but also I was fucking laser focused and locked in and way too fucking happy to cry. Like I felt invincible during the ceremony. It’s how I imagine Tom Cruise must feel all the time.
As mentioned, my buddy Jay of 30 years – we were bathed together when we little chitlins – married us. Jay and his wife Echo have been living all over the world and, specifically, Vietnam of the past 3 years and they flew in and, not only that, but then Jay married us. Jay did a great job. Danielle and I pretty much wrote the whole ceremony, but Jay delivered the fuck out of it.
Like I said, I was fucking super present during the ceremony and I didn’t feel any cry inducing emotions. I was just beyond happy and felt like I could punch a hole through a concrete wall. But… I did have tears after it was over.
So much of our wedding was about our friends. Danielle and I are very close with our friends and they mean so much to each other and then her friends mean so much to me and my friends mean so much to her. They’re all wonderful people and when we set out to plan this wedding it was purely designed to have a big party with as many of our friends as we could.
As we exited the ceremony – which multiple people told us they cried like really cried during, so yeah to us for that – room, Danielle and I got outside of the room and turned around to see our bridesmaids and groomsmen coming out of the room as well. And God bless those happy fucks because they were all smiling ear to ear and so excited-faced and we both just started crying. Danielle told me she cried, so I’m not making that up, but I did as well. Seeing Dawgz, Stuff, and Drake made me cry and them being so happy for me made me cry and I mean I’ve known these wild men for 14 years now and it’s just fucking dumb luck we know each other. We met freshman year of college and we’ve been through a lot and we were in our underwear in the Atlantic Ocean only hours earlier and blah blah – I love them.
On top of that, I’ve become friends with Danielle’s friends. Seeing her bridesmaids in the same state of happy and excitement for Danielle made me cry in general, but also that means they’re happy she’s marrying me, which made me cry and I really respect them and they’re wonderful and I love them too.
So, friends made me cry.
Not the first time, not the last time.
I’m going to take a detour here for a moment before we get to the next bit of me crying because some wild shit happened and I’m not going to gloss over it because it’s kind of the story of our wedding outside of our wedding being an insane drunken dance party.
DANIELLE GOT SHANKED BY THE BOARDWALK
The Berkeley is right across the street from the Asbury Park boardwalk and, specifically, the famed convention center. So, we were obviously going to take pictures on the boardwalk out there, but the wind was blowin’ up a gale as Owen Wilson would have likely said. Our photographer didn’t want to risk Danielle’s hair for the ceremony by making her run into some crazy winds outside, so we saved the boardwalk photos for post-ceremony.
The bridal party and the photographers, we ran out to the boardwalk where this all day and all night concert was going on on the beach with a tent village and everything, and we took photos on the boardwalk. The boardwalk photos are fucking incredible. I can’t imagine I’ll be in better looking photos for the rest of my life.
Anyway… we get through the bridal party photos. The bridal party leaves to go to the cocktail hour. Danielle and I stay on the boardwalk to do some photos of just the two of us. They go great. Then LITERALLY on the last photo we’re taking, Danielle takes a step forward on the boardwalk and a GINORMOUS splinter shot up and into her big toe through her open toed heels! MEDIC!!!!!
We somehow get Danielle back to the bridal suite and for the next 40 minutes or so, myself and Danielle’s best woman are down on our hands and knees trying to do 17th century surgery on Danielle’s toe with a safety pin, a pair of tweezers, and a pair of toe nail clippers. We got half of this fucking behemoth of a splinter out, but we couldn’t get the rest out. So, what happened?
Danielle just fucking wrapped it up like John fucking Rambo and still partied her fucking face off for the rest of the night and showed up to breakfast and was there til everyone left and the motherfucking finally let my mom drive her to urgent care where a fucking doctor had to use a scalpel to get the rest of the splinter out and he said he could have put stitches in, but didn’t because we were going on our honeymoon for like 10 nights as we planned to travel to four different cities in Italy and SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK SPLINTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!!!
So, yeah, my wife plays with pain. Danielle is a RTHOF – real time Hall of Famer – and an actual Hall of Famer.
Back to me crying…
BEST MAN SPEECH
Yeah, I teared up a bunch during that.
I had trouble picking a best man. It was tough deciding between the three groomsmen because I think of each of them so fondly. I couldn’t have made a wrong choice. Honestly, I felt bad and still do to this day that I had to tell two of the three that they weren’t my ‘best man’. It was my Sophie’s Choice, and I think Dawgz did an excellent job.
The whole ‘sweetheart table’ was surreal. Obviously, I had never been in a situation like that where I’m in a room full of people at 10 or so people tables and then there’s me and one other person sitting at a table in the middle of the room, right in front of the dance floor with a DJ staring right back at us catering to us. It felt like a movie. It felt like I was watching a movie or more so that I was the camera filming a movie as the movie, the actors, the action was playing to me or Danielle and me.
The first dances came and went and went well. Danielle spent the majority of our dance talking about how I should twirl her. I never had any preconceived notions about what my wife would be like, but for it to turn out that I’ve had more dance training than her is just endlessly hilarious. Not like tap or jazz dance, but waltz and the Lindy Hop and whatever. When I was kid, all the kids in Westfield, NJ took these dance lessons and well yeah. Whatever. #checkyourprivilege I get it. So, Danielle doesn’t know dancing like that and I do somewhat, so I was trying to explain to her the mechanics of a twirl – like which arm would be moving in what direction and which way she should spin and so forth. In the end, we did execute a spin.
First dances were done – which did include almost a skit of sorts from Danielle’s dad, my speech was done and went flawlessly, my mom spoke and my mother-in-law aka Danielle’s mom spoke, and Danielle’s best woman spoke. Everything went great. Everyone said very lovely things and did a great job and it was all very heartfelt and sweet.
Then it was Dawgz’s turn. I knew he was going to deliver some humor, which he did say some jokes everyone could laugh at, but also dropped several jokes there were more inside jokes that Danielle and I and maybe 3 of the 15 tables got. Either way, he did great. He started off making fun of Stuff and he also made an inside joke about having condomless sex where one does not pull out and just blasts away, which maybe like 20 people got and the rest probably like were ‘what?’ — which again was great.
But yeah, hearing Dawgz laud me with compliments about how creative I am and how good of friend I am and how he had been discussing that with Stuff and Drake and so forth – that made me tear up. We’re an affectionate group of guys who talk regularly, hug regularly, tell each other we love each other regularly, and as Stuff said we’re more interested in dancing with each other than maybe with our significant others. We’re friends. And it means more to me with the day even after 14 years that these guys are apart of my life and I’m apart of theirs and it made me tear up and it’s making me tear up as I type this.
Later, my uncle came up to me and complimented me on my friends in general and how long we’ve been friends, and first of all ‘thank you’ and second of all they should be complimented because they’re great people.
It was a perfect day. It was so much fun. Isn’t that what it should be? Fun.
Everyone looked amazing, everyone looked like they were having an amazing time, and it was amazing.
It was a fun wedding. I had a fun wedding. Danielle and I had a fun wedding. We had a fun wedding.
And, yes, this website was mentioned several times as well as ‘The Wantess’ Kristen Stewart was mentioned. Can’t thank this fucking blog enough.
THANK YOU, KRISTEN STEWART!
THANK YOU, BLOG!
THANK YOU, HEYYYBROTHER!