Helloooooooooo!!! I love you!

There will be spoilers in here, so do whatever it is that you do with that. There will also be jokes and curses and probably weird sexual stuff thrown in there and all the usual stuff you get from me. I liked the movie as the title suggests. 

As luck would fucking have it, my excellent wife and I saw STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS on Thursday night. I know! Actually, I wrote most of this post on Friday morning, but thought I’d hold off on giving my thoughts a few days, so the world could see it and digest it by reading ONE BILLION other people’s thoughts about the damn movie – which are almost all the same thoughts anyway. *even nerdier voice than you’re already reading this in*  I think Rey’s Luke’s daughter. … YEAH, WE ALL KIND OF FUCKING THINK THAT!!! Anyway…

After living on this planet for 31 years, Danielle saw the STAR WARS OG Trilogy just a month ago. And she enjoyed them. And she didn’t have to wait 30 years to see a proper sequel to them and instead only had to wait a fucking month and didn’t have to go through all depression and hate that came from waiting for 10 plus years and then getting the prequels. Ain’t that some shit?

Yes, after 4 years of dating and owning a dog together and buying a house together and a year long engagement and MARRIAGE and then a month of marriage…

DANIELLE aka MY WIFE SAW STAR WARS!!

I’m mentioning this because it is amazing and I’m mentioning it because I think going through that experience with her and then me going back and watching Mr. Plinkett from Red Letter Media absolutely disembowel the prequels in his famous multi-hour absurdist and hilarious review of them (which starts here… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FxKtZmQgxrI), I believe I was in the exact right state of mind to enjoy THE FORCE AWAKENS.

I had reinvigorated my love for Star Wars once again and I had reinvigorated my hate for the prequels. And I was both optimistic and scared about how the movie would turn out. I was optimistic that J.J. Abrams was making this movie as a means to reset Star Wars back to where we left it and not whatever Lucas was up to with the prequels proving he could make an entirely CGI madness movie extravaganza from his living room.

So, yeah, we saw it! We saw it in a movie theater that featured a 400 pound man wearing a New York Giants hoodie who was drinking the biggest ICEE I’ve ever seen and he was… VAPING! WOOOOOO!!! That man don’t give a fuck.

I LIKED THE MOVIE!!!

I really liked. I didn’t love it, but I don’t think that was expected. In a way, it’s not “original” enough to be loved because I think it really was Abrams’ attempt to get the franchise back to where it was when RETURN OF THE JEDI ended and where we all were before the prequels happened. The prequels were so different and so bad that this movie’s goal was to get us back to sameness and that’s perfectly fine by me.

As about a million Buzzfeed and the like websites are pointing out all the similarities between A NEW HOPE and THE FORCE AWAKENS and it’s like yeah. It was purposefully done that way. The movie was trying to get us back to center. We had gone so far into the negative from the prequels and the story had gone in such a different direction with things like midichlorians and Yoda with a lightsaber and about a thousand other things that seemed to be aimed at undoing all the goodness and magic from the originals that we need something to bring us back to center and that’s what THE FORCE AWAKENS does and I think it did a great job at it.

Instead of really going through the plot or what have you… I want to hit on some characters or specific scenes that I would like the following movies to expand on or maybe it’s something I didn’t like or whatever. I’ve got some shit to say. These are the things that have been kind of gnawing at me, but overall I liked the movie a lot and I would highly recommend any and all to see it whether you’re a Star Wars fan or not – it’s a solid adventure film.

I BET NATALIE PORTMAN IS ALL LIKE “I COULD’VE DONE THAT!!!”

Finally, we have a great female lead again in the Star Wars universe. The original trilogy had a great female lead, one of the best female leads in Princess Leia. Then the prequels royally fucked up the whole female character thing – it wasn’t sexist because they royally fucked up every fucking thing that happened – and gave us a boring and impotent Padme. It wasn’t Natalie’s fault by a long shot though, she was just doing what the movie asked her to do and that movie was a shitty movie. I mean the great and gorgeous Natalie Portman easily could have played the role of Rey if Rey was the character for her to play back in the late 90’s.

Daisy Ridley did great though. I thought she was captivating and emoted well and goofed around well and blah blah blah. She was a lot more physical than Leia because she was a lot more like Luke. And that’s because she’s the female Luke. Not another female Leia. The similarities are abound and I enjoyed it all quite a bit. In the end, a chick jedi as the lead is exactly the type of stuff this new trilogy needs.

I don’t have any gripes with Rey. I do want to throw out more the idea that the flawless Natalie Portman is sitting in some chateau in France and watching some DVD screener of THE FORCE AWAKENS and she’s just like, “I won a fucking Oscar. I was nominated for another Oscar. I could have fucking filmed a lightsaber fight. I could have used the force. Instead, I sat on couches and delivered the shittiest dialogue and in the most boring movies and in the end was killed and I never did anything expect be barefoot and pregnant.”

So, yeah, I think just like most think that Rey is Luke’s daughter. Some say, she’s Luke’s niece like Kylo Ren is Luke’s nephew. Well… sure, I guess that could work too, but the similarities that they are shoving down our throat between Luke and Rey are so numerous that she has to be his daughter. And I like that. My only concern, are we going to get some fucking force users who are not Skywalkers?

Whether it is the original trilogy or the prequels, we do see other people who are not related to the Skywalkers that can use the force. We got Yoda for one. Emperor Palpatine and Obi-Wan for two and three. And if we’re throwing those prequels in, well there are apparently hundreds of force users out there. Of course, the prequels fucked that up, but that is something I want to get into in this new trilogy. They are already showing us that hand with Snoke who I’m guessing has force abilities and there are the rest of the bros that Kylo Ren trained with under Luke that Kylo Ren seemingly killed off — those guys had to come from somewhere.

An idea, let’s get Rey on a Magneto/Professor X like mission or a Harry/Ron/Hermoine where she goes around the universe collecting up the force users. Flipside, the bad guys are trying to do the same thing. In the end, I don’t know… maybe the force users all work as one and can shield the planet from an attack or the space ships or something like wizards trying to shield Hogwarts or Neo using his force like powers to electrocute the Matrix baddies on their flight to the core. I’d like force users to actually do something together and use the force and not just die in a cgi battle with lightsabers.

It’s an idea. Sure, the “jedi” are dead, but people are born everyday in the Star Wars universe with force abilities, so let’s get on that shit.

THE FORCE SHOULD BE A BURDEN!!!

This is something that I’ve thought for awhile and I feel like Abrams may be tickling at in this movie, but I would like them to delve into how dangerous it is to have force abilities. It should be a mix between Spider-man’s “with great power becomes great responsibility” and Lord of the Ring’s “PRECIOUS!!!!!!!!”

Being a superhero shouldn’t be seen as easy and in most stories it isn’t. In Star Wars, they say time and time again that the Dark Side is seductive. He was seduced by the Dark Side. I would like them to really push into that. The idea that it is easy to be seduced by the Dark Side because you have super human abilities that generally speaking are super human fighting abilities and when you are in a war and you’re fighting someone and you’re using your anger and hate mixed with your super human abilities – you’re unstoppable. You’re the best solider anyone could ask for, and with that you start to fall deeper into that trap because as you revel in your power – you become evil.

That’s what I want. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. You get a taste for it and it’s so easy to allow that taste to grow. And as your thoughts grow darker and your obsession with using your power grows then eventually you find yourself dressed in black, killing your loved ones, and leading a Neo Nazi army to take control of the universe.

The above paragraph is more or less the storyline of the manga CLAYMORE. Women with giant swords hunt people-eating werewolves. These women have the werewolf power inside of them too to help combat those werewolves. Problem is, if they use the power too much then they’ll become a people-eater monster that is a million times worse than any one of those werewolves by themselves. They need to use the power to win, but they need to make sure not to use it enough. Ultimately, they find out that at some point they are going to use the power too much and it’s just a matter of time til they become one of those terrifying monsters. And the story goes from there, but I love Claymore and I love that story.

To be on the side of the light should be a constant struggle because ultimately the force by default will draw you to the dark side. To stay on the lightside, one must meditate, be emotionless, calm, defend and not attack, and basically limit yourself all the time. Maybe the idea is that Yoda was on the otherside of the galaxy in some swamp because he wanted to live as a Buddhist monk in solitude because he wanted to eliminate the temptation of the darkside as much as possible and that meant meditating in a tree fort instead of being apart of some war, which could bring out his darkside.

That’s something I hope they get into and I think they kind of are hinting at that with Rey going all calm-mode at the end of THE FORCE AWAKENS instead of getting angrier or more desperate during the fight with Kylo Ren. As well as, I think Kylo Ren hinted at this as he seems to need to pump himself up a bunch about hate and being angry, and even talks to Vader’s helmet about feeling tempted by the light and needing to stay angry at everyone – even the helmet in general I think is like a INCEPTION like totem that keeps him on track like yeah I need to keep hating and being angry and so forth. … which brings me to…

KYLO REN SHOULD’VE HAD MORE LINES!!!

I really liked Kylo Ren. I liked this idea of seeing a slightly molded piece of clay who is more along the lines of the Anakin Skywalker we should have seen in the prequels. He’s been trained some, but he’s not fully functional and with that – sure, there are mistakes. But he’s powerful and his goals may be more his own than about the Empire/First Order’s. I liked all that. I liked his look with or without the helmet and I think Adam Driver did a great job with the character. My problems and/or what I would have liked…

KYLO SHOULD’VE LITERALLY TOUCHED REY. 

Not like fingerblasted his cousin, although with all the hinted incest in these movies, but that’s not what I meant. When Kylo had Rey strapped to that interrogation slab, I desperately wanted a physical touch between Kylo and Rey for a variety of reasons. I think it would have added to the terrifyingness of human contact when one doesn’t want it, which is usually what happens in those types of situations and, at the same time, the idea that they could be family means that the human contact needed to be there almost even more. Plus, characters should touch each other. They make such a big deal about the good touch that Rey had like the hug with Finn or the kiss she gave Finn’s forehead, so there should have been a bad touch there with Kylo. Also, it’s the storyline that her powers are awakening and her powers get awakened when she senses and then touches Luke’s lightsaber. I wanted that same thing with Kylo. One could say, that the interaction with them in general is what was awakening her powers and it was, but I wanted just a simple touch to really solidify that connection and to truly bring those characters together in a moment on both the physical and mental level the way they are in the final clash. It is pretty much there, but just him touching her face or whatever could have also shown that he’s still human. He shows her his face, which he doesn’t need to, but he does. And then he feels compelled to touch her like he couldn’t help himself like he’s still seeking human contact. I would’ve have liked that moment.

KYLO SHOULD HAVE HAD MORE TO SAY. 

There’s the idea that Benecio Del Toro cut out like 70% of his dialogue in SICARIO and did something similar in THE WAY OF THE GUN becomes he thought his character would be more menacing and mysterious if he didn’t say nearly as much as the writer had originally intended. Sure. That works for Benecio Del Toro, but it’s not something that works across the board. For me, I think Kylo should have had more to say because I want him to literally enunciate the inner struggle and the anger and his feelings as to why he is doing all of this.

I’m not saying like soliloquies or really any additional scenes, but just some more dialogue when he was silent in the movie. I have two examples and they’re both at the end of the movie.

  • When Kylo is looking for Han in that room and then suddenly decides to walk down that long bridge that happens to be there and then Han follows him out there… It may have seemed obvious that Kylo did that on purpose knowing he could draw his dad out of the shadows like that, but Kylo should have said that. Just a quick line saying that. Nothing more. It’s not just about spelling things out, but it’s giving the characters credit for making sensible moves with motives and not just random shit like walking onto a bridge that just so happens to be in this place.
  • More importantly, I would have liked Kylo to have been yelling/talking throughout the final clash with Finn and Rey. I really liked the stuff with Kylo beating his side with his fist and showing the blood splatter on the snow from his blaster wound. So many people focus on the idea that Rey was all of a sudden so good with the lightsaber and they seem to have quickly forgotten that Kylo was injured and bleeding from a shot from a blaster (which almost always kills people in these movies) to the gut moments earlier. For Finn, I wanted Kylo to be yelling at Finn about what insolence he is paying Kylo by even attempting to fight him with a lightsaber. How Finn is nothing to him. He’s toying with him. How Finn isn’t capable of defeating him. How he isn’t even fit to wield the weapon that only the truly powerful and worthy should. It would continue the idea that he is keeping his anger up, show how touchy the subject of jedi/force/lightsabers and all, and how he has a perverse obsession with jedi history. And I feel like against Rey it could have been similar where he’s yelling at her about how he’s dedicated his life to this and sacrificed and then she just fucking shows up and she has no respect for the power she has. It could be three or four line of dialogue in each of those duels, but I think they would have made his character much more colorful and his plight much more clear and terrifying and desperate.

At least, that’s how I view Kylo Ren’s character. I don’t know what they’re going to do with him, but that’s part of the motivation I feel like he should have.

What’s next?

A FEMALE STORMTROOPER?! HOW COO- … oh wait, she’s a coward. 

There was a lot of excitement and fanfare over Brienne of Tarth being brought on as the first female Stormtrooper. GOT’s Gwendoline Christie was going to be the first ever female Stormtrooper and her name would be CAPTAIN PHASMA and she had badass new slick chrome armor. People were fucking ecstatic over this.

My expectations were Captain Phasma was going to be the Star Wars’ Imperator Furiosa.

Wouldn’t that have been something? Like literally something. Like anything. Because what we got from Captain Phasma was nothing. People like to pick at these movies that they’re just in existence to sell toys. As for The Force Awakens, the toy one can ridicule is the pointlessness of Captain Phasma.

Finally, a female stormtrooper. And it’s in the movie that is giving us the first female Jedi, seemingly, and we do absolutely nothing with her. My question is why? Why is she in the movie? Why does she not do more in the movie or just not exist at all? I think either scenario would have been preferable than to what we got. I’ll assume there was more to her character and they cut it and rumors are circling that she’s to be in the next movie, but I didn’t need “additional” scenes – I just need Phasma in the scenes we have or just not in any at all.

First scenario… MORE PHASMA! The absolute obvious would be that when Finn fights the Stormtrooper with the electric police baton that it’s Phasma fighting Finn and not just another random ass Stormtrooper. This would have worked on so many levels!

  • When the stormtrooper spots Finn on sight and is clearly angered by him and doesn’t just shoot at him and instead wants to put a beating on him with this electric night stick and seemingly capture him to then torture him or reprogram him or whatever – wouldn’t that have made sense if it was Phasma and not just some rando? Wouldn’t Phasma who has seen his face, has spoken to him, has castigated him, and does believe in the process of attitude adjustments have been the perfect person to have thrown a blaster aside to fight to subdue and capture?
  • The electric night stick was cool I guess, but, again, wouldn’t it have been cooler and made more sense in the hands of Phasma? She’s got the different suit, gender, and is named CAPTAIN PHASMA. She should have a nifty weapon we’ve never seen before. Instead, she isn’t shown using a weapon at all.
  • If you’re going to go through the trouble of having a Captain Phasma and you’re going to go through the trouble of having a Stormtrooper do some cool fighting (instead of the norm of getting blown to bits by aimless blaster fire) then why the fuck wasn’t that Phasma?
  • Finn loses the fight, but gets away. Later, Finn gets ‘revenge’ on Phasma by getting her to drop the shields. It would have been actual revenge or at least satisfying if it was Phasma who beat Finn in that fight. Instead, we’re getting revenge on Phasma because she told Finn to put his helmet back on, which is about the only thing she appears to do in the movie besides wear that slick armor.

The flip-side is no Phasma, which I think would have made more sense too.

  • Finn takes off his helmet. A regular run-of-the-mill stormtrooper sees this and tells Finn to put his helmet back on and that he should go back to reconditioning if he’s having problems. Why is this better than Phasma? Because Finn doesn’t do it. Finn disobeys. It’s not a big deal of Finn disobeys some schmuck stormtrooper. Even better, it’s not like some schmuck stormtrooper would like follow Finn to get reconditioned or check-on whether or not he did it. Some schmuck stormtrooper would say something then get back to what he was ordered to do and that’s it and then Finn can go along his merry way of disobeying and not possibly being followed. Phasma saying to him to go do something and then her just blindly assuming he did it seems unlikely because a CAPTAIN would make sure shit got done, right?
  • Finn, Han, Chewie jump one or two people in the uniforms who work in the shield generator control room and they force them to power down the shields. Seems likely. Seems less likely that they could do that so easily to CAPTAIN PHASMA. There are hundreds if not thousands of men (and now women) walking around the Starkiller base who are just in uniforms and seem to operate control panels and shit all over the base. They take some meek officer(s) who has zero combat training and scare the shit out of them with Chewbacca and force them to power down the shields or Chewie will rip their arms off (reference to A NEW HOPE, right?). Instead, in a gigantic fucking base filled with countless baddies – they fucking dumb luck stumble upon PHASMA and overpower her and get her to do shit with the simplest of ease.

Either have PHASMA be cool and do shit or not have her at all. The in-between is just mystifying.

WHERE’S LUPITA? Oh wait, was that orange lizard Lupita?

People were pretty psyched when they announced that Oscar winning actress Lupita Nyung’o.

But what the hell happened from there?

Well, Lupita was turned into a sassy orange lizard who has sight problems and seems to bus tables at the bar she’s owned for a 1000 years. Well, that sucks. MAZ does pass along some information I suppose and there’s no explanation as to why she has Luke Skywalker’s light saber, but yeah… that’s it. There’s a scene in the trailers where she hands the light saber to Leia, which isn’t in the movie, so we can easily assume that some/much of her character is on the editing room floor. But who cares? Why did they turn her into a CGI orange lizard?

To begin with, Lupita has become a recognizable face and it’s a pretty face. She’s got a pretty body too. I’d hazard a guess her pretty face and her pretty body would not only have looked good along with all the other pretty faces and pretty bodies that were hired to round out this movie, but it sure as hell would have been better to look at than a damn grandma orange lizard with Coke bottle glasses.

Also, I guess there’s a joke to the idea that some bar that’s been around for a 1000 years that Han hurriedly tells us is a whacky place would be run by an old grandma orange lizard with shitty eyes, but wouldn’t it have been better if a sultry woman with obsidian skin ran the place and more or less had all these tricksters and villains wrapped around her finger? I think so.

And why even hire Lupita if she’s going to be some ugly CGI character? She doesn’t have a memorable voice that we all know and have nostalgia for. Shouldn’t an actress who can do character voices have played the part or at least if they’re going the root of seemingly trying to cast a soulful black woman’s voice then how about an older black woman with an older black woman’s voice that could have done justice. I mean I can’t think of anyone that deserves to be represented as an ugly orange lizard, but get an impressive voice behind it and have Lupita play an X-wing pilot or something instead of fat Greg Grunberg (sorry, Greg Grunberg).

Not to mention, that the J.J. Abrams was really patting himself on the back about all the practical effects they were using in this movie and then when it comes time to have an alien – boom! – shitty orange CGI thing-a-ma-jig. Same goes for Lord Snoke. Maz and Snoke were the two characters that most reminded me of prequels crap and they easily could have been played by actors and they weren’t for whatever fucking reason. I’ll get to Snoke next.

The last thing I’ll say, but they go through all this mess to make a brand spanking new CGI character … and … I hate to say it … but … I mean aging is the worst … but … I mean how could you not make the correlation … and it’s not like Harriso- … Maz looked like Leia. Am I the only one who thought that? They were like the same height, they got a similar old woman look, and it was even worse that they both were interacting with Han Solo. It was creepy and someone should have seen that and not made Maz look anything like Maz.

Take a second and look up “Lupita Nyong’o mohawk”. That’s how Lupita should have fucking looked in this damn movie. They should have just had Lupita with that blonde mohawk and at most then CGI-ed robot legs or arms on her and called it a fucking day. Also, would have made more sense as why Han loved Maz’s so much because he’s a space perv and probably banged Maz.

SNOKE? Fuck Snoke. 

I didn’t like Snoke. I didn’t like him mainly because he was a shitty CGI character. Not shitty like CGI characters are all shitty. Most CGI characters are shitty, but I meant shitty like it looked shitty. Snoke looked like bad guys at the end of I AM LEGEND. He wasn’t intimidating or anything. Also, I don’t know what was going on with his head at all or why someone would want to listen to the clearly creepy evil alien man(?) who appears to have holes developing in his face.

If they’re just going to have a guy who is sort of grizzly looking with a ripped up face then why go through all the fucking trouble of putting little dots all over Andy Serkis’ face and then putting that into a computer and then blah blah blah COMPUTERS. I have a quick fucking fix and it’s called make-up and it’s called FREDDY KRUEGER.

Seriously, there have been Freddy movies as long as I’ve been alive and I’ve been slightly terrified of him that whole time too and the sight of him still turns my stomach a bit til this very day. Was that CGI? You want a person with lesions or cuts or holes or whatever going on with their face? Take a Freddy mask and fucking paint it grey or whatever color instead of the red and orange it is now. I mean a grey skinned Freddy Krueger wearing a black cloak and known to have Jedi powers is fucking scary shit and would be a fuck ton better than dumbass Snoke. Fuck you, computers!

I’m sorry, computers! I love you! It’s not your fault they made you make these characters!

ENOUGH WITH FUCKING DEATH STARS? 

If I’ve learned anything from watching Star Wars movies, the first step to becoming a true galactic empire is to build a giant circle that blows up other circles. Of course, the second step is OH FUCK! THEY BLEW IT UP! AGAIN?! THIS IS THE THIRD FUCKING TIME NOW!!!! DAMN IT! DO YOU KNOW HOW EXPENSIVE THOSE CIRCLES THAT BLOW UP OTHER CIRCLES ARE?!!!!

I know that The Force Awakens is more or less just getting us back to square one again in the Star Wars universe – and I’m cool with that – but if I see another fucking Death Star again I’m going to fucking lose it. It’s not compelling or interesting or dramatic in the least bit. We’ve seen two of them bite it and seeing it happen a third time is just stupid. The first time you see Tony Hawk pull off a 960 on a half-pipe, it’s bonkers. The second time, it’s like he’s proving how good he actually is by accomplishing the impossible not by accident, but by practice. The third time? Go fuck yourself, Tony. Go learn a new fucking trick and by trick I mean not stealing your best friend’s wife, which you may have done more times than the damn 960 at this point (Google that shit!).

I want a new bad guy plan.

I want a new bad guy plan, so desperately. I want a plan that doesn’t simply involve building an enormous central cannon hidden on or in an orb. The next movie(s) better not fucking talk about Death Stars ever again. If anything, there should be a moment where someone says that they should build another Death Star and someone else freaks out and is like WHY?! SO THEY CAN BLOW IT UP AGAIN!?!?!?! And fucking just lose it on that guy.

Anyway…

Those are my main thoughts about THE FORCE AWAKENS.

Sure, I have some more like how the tone of the movies is all over the fucking place and maybe one day they’ll figure that out, but they probably won’t. It’s got slapstick and cute robots one second, killing dad with a laser sword through the heart the next second. It’s all over the place, but whatever.

Thanks for reading this. I love you.

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Hello everyone! I love you and you’re intoxicating!

And, NO!, I am not intoxicated! … Actually, I could be. It really depends on when you’re reading this. Literally, this second as I’m typing these words I am not drunk or sniffing magic markers, but you are not reading this as I type this. Honestly, there’s like a 50/50 shot that I’ve been hitting the Canadian cough syrup or Scottish ‘water of life’ pretty good, but as the words are flowing out of my fingertips – they’re sober ones.

Also, of-fucking-course, you would smell the shit out of magic markers. They’re MAGIC! Why did we even call them that? Not we. They! Of course, they would call them MAGIC markers to get us to by them and then to smell them and give our kindergarten version of ourselves a brief moment of levity in the truly cumbersome world of being a 5 year old.

It’s kind of a chicken or the egg scenario with kids eating glue and the magic markers. Like were they already eating glue and they were so bananas off of that stuff that they fiended to find something else for that next bump and found the magic markers? Or were they all doped off the magic marker fix that they started eating the glue? I feel like either is plausible and that kids are absolute creep bombs.

Anyway… what was I talking about?!

You’re sexual deviants in the best way possible and I want to talk about…

!!!!!!STAR WARS!!!!!!

Yep.

Tomorrow/Thursday night and then officially on Friday – the new fucking Star Wars movie comes out – THE FORCE AWAKENS!

And I’m excited for it. I’ll fully admit that I became excited for it. It was bound to happen, but I was passively fighting it for awhile.

Originally, I wasn’t blown away by the whole idea of more Star Wars movies because of two reasons:

  1. THE PREQUELS SUCKED. They fucking sucked. I know it. You know it. And all those stupid fucking bloggers out there who have been writing clickbait articles for the past few years being like “Here’s 10 reasons why the prequels were actually good” they fucking know it. They really fucking know how bad those movies are that’s why they’re being counter-culture and posting shit that no one is going to agree with to get you clickity clicking on it. You played right into their got-dam hands. IT’S A TRAP! … Get it! That’s a fucking Star Wars reference. A Star Wars reference that is predominantly used on messageboards frequented by straight males who post pictures of a transexual man to woman who looks pretty hot and then some are like I’d bang that chick and the other’s are like IT’S A TRAP I’ve seen that hot chick picture before and it’s really a dude and then they’re all like AHHHHH YOU’RE GAY!!!, and really everyone should just chill out because hot is hot and, secondly, let’s all marvel at how hot some of these men transitioning to become women can get nowadays – that’s like let’s marvel at the complexity and beauty of the Sistine Chapel. We did this! Humanity did this! And yeah, the prequels sucked and I’ll talk about them more later.
  2. DO I REALLY NEED MORE STAR WARS MOVIES? I feel like that is highly valid question. We’ve got three of them that are amazeballs. Then we got greedy and got three more that I wish someone would just erase from my fucking brain already. So, what’s the point of more? For the most part, it’s just to sell more merchandise because now that Disney owns it – they want to get all that Star Wars cash going their way. I mean people already say that about the original trilogy that it was a cash grab, but luckily we got three excellent movies or more so two excellent sequels after the first movie went gangbusters. So, do we need more?

And that’s where I was at. Obviously, I have no control over whether or not we needed more or whether or not we were going to get more Star Wars movies. So, once they started releasing trailers the question of do we need more became two different questions…

  1. WILL IT BE ANY GOOD? Serious question. As mentioned, we’ve gone through this before with new Star Wars movies not being any good. Why would this be any different?
  2. WHAT DO I WANT OUT OF A NEW STAR WARS MOVIE? This will be the main thing that we’ll discuss today. Not to burst your bubble, but I was not smuggled under Lupita Nyong’o’s dress or inside Peter Mayhew’s pants to see the London premiere on Tuesday, so I have not seen the movie. But I have been thinking mightily about what I would like out of this movie.

Let’s talk about the movie in general and hypothesize a bit about the former bullet point up there before we get to the latter…

THE FORCE AWAKENS

It’s directed by J.J. Abrams and is written by a crew of people involving Lawrence Kasdan, Michael Arndt, Abrams, and, maybe, someone else. I can’t remember. And from what the press has said, George Lucas was not involved in the making of this movie.

Ok. Abrams. Well, I like Abrams. I don’t think I would go further than that. He seems like a film director. He’s got the glasses, the hair, the Jewishness, and he does make pretty looking movies or TV shows. But I’m not like bowled over by the dude. The best thing that he’s done that I can point to as a solely him kind of operation is Mission Impossible III and I like that movie quite a bit. I didn’t like either of the Star Trek movies he made and I never watched a minute of Alias. He was one of the original creative forces that made Lost and I loved Lost… still do. I loved the ending as well. Super 8 was ok. I thought the alien at the end was terrible and I think I thought the ending itself was kinda bad, but the movie was good outside of that.

The key thing might be or not be the Star Trek movies. There is a big difference or could be a big difference between the Trek and Wars movies and that’s Abrams is not trying to get you to like a reboot. In some ways, The Force Awakens looks like a reboot with several characters seeming eerily similar to characters from the original trilogy, but at the very least they are not those EXACT characters. In Trek, he’s got the nearly impossible task of trying to convince you that Chris Pine as William Shatner is better than William Shatner as William Shatner. Sure, Pine is better to look at, but it just doesn’t make any sense from the get go that you’re going to allow that to happen in your brain to like Pine as Shatner better than or just as much as all of your nostalgia and previous feelings of Shatner as Shatner.

I didn’t watch Star Trek the TV show. I’ve watched most of the movies and even for me those movies just seem soulless because it’s a bunch of people pretending to be other people who are pretending to be something else. Zach Quinto isn’t playing Spock. Zach Quinto is playing Leonard Nimoy’s Spock for all of eternity whether he likes it or not. It’s hard enough to make a compelling movie, but then to rub it in a person’s face that these people are just replacing the people you’ve already formed a bond with is just absurd.

So, there’s a chance that so much of the failure of the Trek movies – some people like them, but I do not – is that they’re doing the whole reboot bit. They’re looking back so much to pay homage to what’s been done and is holy that they’re tripping over their own feet as they attempt to move forward. That’s possible. That’s entirely possible.

The first Trek movie was so much setup and hand-holding. Pine is Kirk, Quinto is Spock, the white kid who is doing that terrible Russian accent is presumably a character who had a terrible Russian accent on the TV show et cetera. The only thing worthwhile in the first movie was Zoe Saldana in that skintight onesie with a mini-skirt and the prospect of Vulcan and hot Saldana sex. Outside of that, it was a dumb movie.

The second Trek movie had similar problems as they tried to reboot Khan, but like be too clever about it. That sucked. The action scenes were derivative too. There were like 5 sci-fi movies where a spaceship crashed into a city as people fled in the span of a year and that’s really all this movie had going for it. They also toned down Khan so much. The idea that a character looks exactly like a dude, but he’s a bit stronger than a normal dude or a bit faster isn’t all that engaging. The best parts of Trek 2 was Alice Eve in her underwear for no other reason than to show Alice Eve in her underwear and then it was Alice Eve’s absolutely fantastic horror reaction to seeing her father killed in front of her. Spoiler? Who cares. That movie sucked. Eve fucking nailed it in those two short moments of a 2.5 hour movie. Also, Cumberbatch has a moment where he is talking to Quinto and Pine and you can clearly see and hear he’s a better actor than they are in this setting. He sounds like he’s doing King Lear and they sound like they’re doing some shitty Star Trek 2 reboot.

While we’re talking Trek, I didn’t like the new BEYOND trailer. If I end up seeing that movie, it will be way way way down the line. Cannot imagine going out of my way to see it. And I like Justin Lin, but I’m over this Trek reboot.

But this is WARS not TREK. I know. I know.

As for the writers, Kasdan wrote EMPIRE STRIKES BACK and RETURN OF THE JEDI. That’s a good sign for sure. At the same time, who has more say? Disney or the writers? I’m guessing Disney. So, Kasdan could help create the dialogue like he did in EMPIRE and JEDI that is fun and better than A NEW HOPE’s dialogue. And Arndt wrote Little Miss Sunshine. That’s wonderful. And Toy Story 3 and some of Inside Out. Great. I’ll assume that Oblivion isn’t his fault. I’ll just assume that.

That central team seems capable of making a good movie for sure. And they’ve hired a litany of pretty and interesting actors to fill out the cast. Oscar Isaac, Lupita, Gwedoline Christie, Domhnail Gleeson, Adam Driver, John Boyega, and the freshest of fresh faces Daisy Ridley. Great, right? And they’re bringing back Harrison, Mark, and Carrie.

But we all know this already, KAY-SWIDGE-IZZLE!!!!! GET TO IT!!! WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WANT?!?!?!?!?!?

Well, I want what I believe was promised with PHANTOM MENACE and more.

Another way of saying that would be, I want a not dumb version of PHANTOM MENACE.

In many ways, this is also what I’m expecting the movie will be. In many ways, I think this is what the movie should be or has to be or whatever. Why? Well, PHANTOM MENACE is like A NEW HOPE, but they fucked it up.

We got a new cast of characters that are both different than the original trilogy while still paying homage to the original trilogies characters. I mean Obi-Wan is still the “same” Obi-Wan, but Ewan’s Obi-Wan is absolutely different than Alec’s Obi-Wan and it’s fine because he’s not supposed to be the same. He’s basically a brand new character. And he’s compelling. A man who is a jedi, but is a young jedi. That’s something we want to see. But the real deal…

DARTH MAUL. They fucking nailed it and fucked it up at the same time. Darth Maul is a guy running 80 yards untouched to a touchdown and then drops the ball before the goal line. Darth Maul was THE new bad guy we all wanted. He was instantly recognizable as a badass and he had two red lightsabers and he just fucking killed it as a bad guy. Or as the idea of a great bad guy. And then they killed him. Poof! All that work for nothing. He was on all the posters, the toys, and is easily the most recognizable thing from that movie and… POOF! He was gone. He had a couple scenes, he talked once, which was stupid and then he died. What the fuck was the point of all that? Darth Maul could have been THE guy. In the first Star Wars we meet Darth Vader and we’re enthralled. What if he died at the end of the movie? Would there even be sequels?

I remember, vividly remember when ATTACK OF THE CLONES was announced or even when we thought it was called CLONE WARS and people truly believed we were going to see an army of Darth Mauls or at least another Darth Maul. Did we? Nope. He was just a guy and they killed him and when the first movie is over, there’s absolutely zero momentum going for it into the next movie. At the end of A NEW HOPE, Vader lives and he’s going to get his shit together with the Emperor and they’re going to come back. You haven’t seen the Emperor and you don’t know who he is, but Vader is force choking people and he can fly a spaceship and he can kill Obi-Wan Kenobi with a lightsaber, so that bad ass motherfucker is going to be back and this time – he’ll be pissed.

That’s what I want. I want a great villain again.

I don’t have any real theories about what’s going to happen in FORCE AWAKENS, but I want a bad guy or multiple bad guys to exist, to be formidable, and to not just up and die. I want the villain(s) to lose, but retreat or survive with a sense that they will be back. I want characters! Characters don’t die with barely a word spoken. Characters have stories and they have epic adventures. That’s what we need.

It seems like Adam Driver is wielding that red light saber this time. It seems like he’s a bad guy. It seems like Gwendoline as Captain Phasma is leading the stormtroopers and that she is bad. I have no idea what happens in the movie or anything, but if they’re investing in these characters to be the big baddies in this movie – then I don’t want them to be fucking dead at the end of it. They can lose, but not die. They could even die, but be brought back to life with mechanical parts. It’s happened before in Star Wars — why waste all the concept art and storyboards and blah blah blah and fucking make a villain that is truly villainous who fucking sticks around. Learn something from Gwendoline’s TV show of Game of Thrones and realize that bad guys are so much worse when they’re still fucking around.

And a hero NEEDS a villain so much more than a villain needs a hero. Villains can be villainous. Always. Until the end of time. Villains just need victims. Heroes, on the other hand, NEED villains to be heroic. A hero needs strife. Don’t waste villains.

That’s the main thing I want — villains who are not scrapped.

Honestly, it makes so fucking little sense to me for them to dispose of villains at the end of this movie wrapping everything up with a neat bow because it’s guaranteed there will be more of these movies made. Why waste everything you made in this movie to only need to start over again in the next one? That was an enormous problem with the prequels and is a problem with many big budget action movies in general.

We went from Darth Maul to Count Dooku (and Jango Fett?) to Sidious and Anakin. Each one had a different villain. Each one had to basically reboot the story to get us into what the hell was going on each time. Plus, how stupid was all that? You got Maul who looked super villainous and did all of his own flips and shit to an old man who waved his hands fighting a green CGI-ed gremlin spinning around to that same atrocious CGI-ed green thingamajig against a CGI-ed guy in a black cloak shooting out CGI-ed lightning from his fingertips plus two white guys going at it in a fight that you pretty much know exactly how it’s going to end. And the Jango Fett thing was hilarious because it wasn’t like we knew anything about Boba Fett outside of the fact that we loved him and they went out of their way to give Boba Fett a backstory that makes him not the guy y0u’re going to get to see more of in the prequels. Why wasn’t Boba Fett just like ageless or part robot or whatever? Instead, Obi-Wan fights Boba’s dad because that made sense to some moron.

Ok, back to the point, a villain or villains.

Also, I don’t want too much fan service.

I know we’re going to get some considering there has to be plus Harrison, Mark, Carrie, and Chewbacca are back. I feel like some of them will die, if not all of them. I don’t think that’s necessary, but I feel like there’s a good chance of that because that’s what they do in movies and TV shows – they think they can’t use a character, so they kill it.

There was fan service in Phantom Menace, but like most things in that movie – it was dumb. Like Anakin making C3P0. That was stupid. Just stupid. Like fucking real stupid.

Also, fan service is really a misnomer. It’s blaming the fan. The writer or director or whomever did the servicing is to blame. If you want to make a new movie and you can’t figure out how to make it fit with the other movies and you just jerryrig it together because you think that will make the fans happy? Nope. You need to just do a better job. Also, fans don’t want the stupid winks and so forth to the old movies because that takes you out of the current movie you’re in.

Please as little “fan service” as possible.

Lastly, don’t force a love interest if there isn’t one.

Say what you will about Tom Cruise, but two of his latest movies I loved and they didn’t force a love story into them and I think most films would have. JACK REACHER and EDGE OF TOMORROW. In both movies, Tom is teamed up with a gorgeous London woman in Rosamund Pike and Emily Blunt, respectively. Neither has a Hollywood love story to be spoken of.

In Reacher, Tom flirts with Rosamund, but he does so no more or less than any character flirts with any other character in the movie. The snappy dialogue where the characters push each other’s buttons happens between practically every character in the movie. Tom saves Rosamund’s life not because he has banged her or hopes to bang her, but he does so because he is the hero, he wants to kill the bad guys, and she’s also a hero of the story who is alongside him for the ride. It’s not because they’re going to have babies together. There is a kiss at the end, but it’s not much and it’s more of a thank you for saving my life kiss.

Similarly, there is a kiss at the end of Edge of Tomorrow with Blunt, but it’s more of a thank you for all you’ve done. Throughout that movie, Tom actually begins to love Blunt as the marvelous human she is and for how little he wants to see her die. It’s not even a flirtatious relationship. Tom’s character doesn’t really want anything to do with her, but she’s the key to getting him out of this loop. She’s beautiful, sure. But her character is first about being this powerful killing machine who can teach him to be a killing machine to him learning her humanity and him becoming attached to her.

If there is to be a love story, and there will be, in Force Awakens – I don’t want it to be stuffed in there like a square peg in a round hole.

After recently re-watching the original trilogy, Han and Leia’s love is complicated and it is not satiated for fan service quickly. It builds. Also, Han is quite the emotionally fragile guy with Leia and Luke. They drive him to act differently than he would normally. To the point, in Return of the Jedi, Han says Leia can be with Luke if she likes him better. That’s pretty fucking bold and shows how much of a guy-boner he’s got for Luke. Like Leia has already told Han she loves him, saves his life, but he is willing to step aside if her thing with Luke is a better deal. It genuinely seems like Han believes that Leia is two-timing him with Luke like the whole time and he’s willing to admit he lost. That’s pretty fucking crazy. It’s also pretty fucking great. I love it.

Of course, it’s a little incest-y with Leia and Luke kissing that one time, but that’s better than the pseudo incest of Padma kind of being Anakin’s defacto mom or Anakin being Padma’s defacto son who grows up to become a big strong man that she bones. I mean isn’t that 100x worse? Seriously, why did they do that?! Anakin goes from being a toddler to James Dean, while Padma goes from being Padma to being Padma. I’m not even sure how Anakin jumps 15 years in puberty while the rest look identical from movie to movie and we’re supposed to be cool with it. Whatever. It’s stupid. Fucking prequels! I HATE THEM!

So, I don’t want a hokey romance if it’s not there.

At the end of A NEW HOPE, the three of them are just chums. Leia and Han flirt a bunch, but that’s Han’s personality and Leia doesn’t give anyone an inch. Sure, Han and Luke think Leia’s hot because they have eyes, but that’s kind of it. There’s a pseudo will they or won’t they, but it’s more so WILL THEY STOP THE GALAXY FROM BEING DESTROYED BY THE EMPIRE AND NOT WHO AM I PLAYING KISSY FACE WITH ON NEW YEAR’S EVE?!?!?!?!?!!?

Anyway, I just noticed that the question mark for whatever font this is that WordPress is using looks pretty cool (KSWI Jordan’s note here… the question mark I was seeing in the type-y my post-y window is not the same question mark that got posted. So, that’s weird. Anyway, there’s like 15 more words until the end!!!! You almost made it!!!). And I’ve also written like 3 gajillion words.

So, I want a good movie.

Please give me a good movie.

Thanks.

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