NFL Week 17 Report or How Wrong I Was With My NFL Predictions

January 5, 2016


The glorious 2015 – where I got married and went to Italy and kept my streak alive of not throwing up in the past at least 5 years – has ended and the glorious 2015 NFL regular season has come to a close as well. Of course, the NFL still has PLAYOFFS, but 2015 the year is fucking dead. It’s fucking DEADZO! You can’t get back 2015 no matter how hard you try. At all. Can’t do it. There’s none more of 2015. 2016 RULES THE DAYZZZZZ!!!

Anyway, the regular NFL season is over and I wanted to take a look back at my mostly wrong predictions about how the NFL season would go.

If you remember, at the beginning of the season, I took the Las Vegas over/under odds of each time and then I opined with curse words as to whether that team would do better or worse than what they thought. So, I’m going to reveal if there was any credence to what I said and there wasn’t. Spoiler alert! Am I right? Just hit you with it in the same sentence.

Also, while we are on the topic of “credence” … eh eh eh … CREED the movie sucked. Or wasn’t anything special. People are talking Oscars for that movie and it’s at best as good as ROCKY BALBOA aka ROCKY 6. It’s got the same old broken down Rocky being broken down Rocky and instead of him fighting the most improbable fight to a face pulverizing end, it’s this Creed character. To me, the movie felt like it took no time to make as every scene was more or less shot in the easiest way possible and everything happened with zero deviation from a storyline you could have guessed from any trailer. Why doesn’t Duke’s kid ever come back into the movie? Why even make a big deal that there was a Duke’s kid? Fan service, I suppose, but then why not bring him back to help train Creed for the final fight? Show some humility, show some reconciliation. Nah. Fuck that says this movie.

I like Michael B. Jordan and I like Tessa Thompson as people and actors and I’m glad people are so jazzed by them, but that movie wasn’t anything special.

Speaking of un-special movies… THE MARTIAN. Really? C’mon, that movie was meh at best. Why do I want to see this harrowing tale of space survival mixed with the sassiest dialogue ever written outside of a Firefly episode? It don’t make no sense. Are you the director of NASA? Yes, and I’m also the director of snapping quips! When Kristen Wiig first appeared on screen, I was like, ‘Oh, is Kristen Wiig going to play a smart woman who wor– oh wait, she’s sassy comic relief LIKE EVERY FUCKING CHARACTER … except for Jessica Chastain. Apparently, she has no sense of humor, but she fucking loves disco music! WOOOO!!! That movie sucked. Fuck The Martian in its butthole.

THE REVENANT kicked ass.

THE HATEFUL EIGHT had its moments, but felt like a miss.

I, finally, saw TRAINWRECK and thoroughly enjoyed it.

SICARIO was whatever-o. Gun porn for people who like gun porn.

BROOKYLN was the tits.

Oh, and we finally got around to seeing WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS and that should be watched by anyone and everyone who thinks they have a sense of humor. If you don’t think it’s funny then you don’t have a sense of humor and you don’t have to worry about getting one ever again.

Maybe I’ll do a movies from 2015 post. Who the fuck knows. MAD MAX: FURY ROAD was the best movie that came out last year by far. Anyway… FOOTBALL!!!!

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS – 5.5 – Right off the bat, I say that’s too many wins for the Jaguars… And I was right because the Jags had 5 wins, but the Jags did look like a much better football team this year than last year. Honestly, they could be on to something for the first time in years. At the same time, I feel like while their division had a rough year this year, I’d be surprised if their division isn’t difficult next year.

TENNESSEE TITANS – 5.5 – More. I’d go higher on this… I was wrong. Titans won 3 games. Yikes. They fired their GM and have kept their coach thus far, their second coach because they fired the first one only a few games into the season. Seemingly, they do have a quarterback in place with Marriota and that sometime is the hardest position to nail down. I’d be surprised if they were that bad again next year, but I guess someone has to be, right?

OAKLAND RAIDERS – 6 – That’s kind of where I’m expecting them to be at, so I would go more than less… And I was right, Raiders nabbed 7 wins. They are a team that could be on the rise. Still a losing season and it’s like their 12th losing season in a row or something crazy, but they have a lot of talent and a solid coach. They did lose “The Immortal” Charles Woodson at the end of this year, but it seems like they are a team with a lot of building blocks in place and now they just need to really learn how to work together for 60 minutes.

TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS – 6 – Less. I don’t think rapist Jameis Winston is getting 6 wins this year… Well, the rapist got exactly 6 wins this year. Fuck him. Fuck that team for employing him. I hope they go 0-16 next year.

CLEVELAND BROWNS – 6.5 – Less. They suck. Seriously? You think I’m going to bet the Browns win 7 fucking games? That’s fucking crazy pants… That’s another right one for ole’ Jor-done over here. The Browns fucking sucked this year and only managed 3 wins. They fired their coach, their GM, and they’re still allowing Johnny Manziel to make a mockery of their already shitty franchise.

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS – 6.5 – I’d say less. This team is so different than the team it was last year or even more so two years ago that they shouldn’t even be legally cool to call themselves the San Francisco 49ers… Boom! I was right on that one too. 49ers nabbed 5 measly wins and fired their coach and blamed him because their acting owner is a spoiled brat named Jed York and it’s the second head coach in two years he’s fired and treated like shit and both of them were named Jim. Fuck the 49ers. They need to rearrange their team’s culture before I start thinking positive thoughts about them again. Also, I hope “Prince of Persia” Colin Kaepernick ends up on a team that appreciates him.

WASHINGTON REDSKINS – 6.5 – Are you fucking nuts? Man, what has been smoking? Crack, I suppose. Or meth… I was dead wrong about this one. The Washington racist names won 9 games this year on the back of Kirk Cousins. I don’t really know if you can put a whole lot of stock into that as the NFC East was absolutely terrible this year and the Cowboys outright collapsed without Tony Romo. Nevertheless, the Washington racist names were the most competent of the bunch and I didn’t expect that.

CHICAGO BEARS – 7 – I’d say less. I don’t have faith in the Chicago Bears at all… What a weird and ultimately bad season for the Bears. I was right and they nabbed 6 wins, but there was a moment after they beat the Green Bay Packers early in the season that people got fucking high on crack cocaine and thought the Bears were going to do something and then like a week later they collapsed and were not seen nor heard from since. They should blow up that franchise because whatever is in place is only getting them a few wins and that’s been the case for the past few years.

MINNESOTA VIKINGS – 7.5 – 8 wins? You know what – I’d say take it… I wouldn’t have guessed 11 wins, but I thought more than 8. Vikings won their division for the first time in a dog’s age and they looked good doing it too. Their defense is formiddable and their offense can be wily and explosive. Maybe one day Teddy Bridgewater will flesh out into a full threat of a QB, but right now he’s serviceable and the rest of the team is playing solid. It’s a young team with seemingly a good defensive minded coach in Mike Zimmer and they’re going to be waltzing into their own bodacious billion bajillion dollar new stadium next year. It’s a good day to be a Vikes fan.

NEW YORK JETS – 7.5 – Nope. Man what the fuck, Sportsbook.Ag?! I don’t know who I’m angrier with – Kim Davis or Sportsbook.Ag?!!??!?! … I was wrong about that. The J-E-T-S scored 10 big wins and still missed the playoffs. I’d be sad if I were a Jets fans that they obviously just imploded in that 4th quarter with Fitzpatrick throwing 3 INTS, but, man, what a good season for them. 10 wins is a good amount of wins and this was their most productive offense in the team’s history. Seriously, they were throwing the ball like people who knew how to throw the ball and that has NEVER happened for the Jets. Brandon Marshall had an incredible year! Knowing the Jets, there are going to be tons of contract negotiations needed this offseason, but barring them fucking that up – which they could – I think the Jets had the best first post-Rex season that none of those idiot Jets fans could have expected. I feel like Jets fans are not appreciative of what they got this year as for whatever reason they became so lusty after Rex, but Todd Bowles produced a team that won like an actual football team instead of needing weird tricks and lucky shit to happen like Rex needed for most of his wins.

ST. LOUIS RAMS – 8 – That’s around where I might put them… The Rams got 7 wins, but I think I thought they would maybe get 9 even though I didn’t outright say if I would take the over or the under, but I was wrong. The Rams are a weird bunch. They’ve got almost nothing in place outside of having arguably the best functioning running back in the league this season (Le’Veon Bell was hurt for almost the whole season). Outside of that, the Rams are kind of floundering and now they’re trying to move to Los Angeles. So far, the Raiders, the Rams, and the Chargers have applied to move to Los Angeles. At first, I was against all this, but now… fuck it. Let’s have three fucking teams in Los Angeles. Fuck St. Louis, fuck San Diego, fuck common sense. Whatever. Fuck Jeff Fisher (head coach of the Rams) for being some squirrely fuck who kept his QB Case Keenum in the game even though he clearly had been KOed on the field and fuck Fisher for probably bribing all the doctors and so forth to not say a damn word about a guy clearly unconscious on the field and never taking him out of the game.

ARIZONA CARDINALS – 8.5 – I’d like to pick over… Yeah, way over. The Cardinals got 13 wins this year and looked baller doing it. Of course, they lost to the Steelers and got the shit kicked out of them in the final game of the season by their rival Seahawks, but outside of that the Cardinals looked damn good this year. Carson Palmer is lighting it up with a solid slate of wide receivers, their D is playing well as expected, and really the only thing holding them back is injuries. They lost the “Honey Badger” and every one of their 35 running backs this year has gotten injured. They’re a great ball club and you should probably expect to see them in the NFC Championship game this year in a couple weeks.

ATLANTA FALCONS – 8.5 – Less. I can’t picture them getting 9 wins… I was right. The Falcons got 8 wins and I think they were lucky getting that many. They started the season strong and then took a nose dive and never recovered from it until they beat the Panthers, which sucked. Fuck you, Atlanta, for that. I don’t expect any “major” changes this offseason, but they need to figure some shit out. They had a ton of offensive production especially early on, but they couldn’t win football games. I feel like they’ll be better next year like they were better this year than last year.

BUFFALO BILLS – 8.5 – I don’t know… I couldn’t have gotten this one right because I never gave an answer, but the Bills ended up with 8 wins. They had good moments and bad moments as was expected. They beat the Jets to help the Steelers get into the playoffs, so God bless that foot fetish weirdo Rex Ryan for that. Of course, Rex is going to lose his defensive end Mario Williams most likely this offseason because the two of them don’t get along apparently, but what can you do. We’ll see if Rex mucks up next year. He’s got some solid stuff in place on offense and defense. They’re a team on the bubble.

CAROLINA PANTHERS – 8.5 – If it wasn’t for Kelvin Benjamin going down with a torn ACL, I’d pick more wins in a heartbeat. I guess I’m still going to pick more wins… FUCK YEAH! A LOT MORE WINS! FIFTEEN OF THEM! WOOOOOO!!! And that’s with them not having Kelvin Benjamin too. Cam Newton is hands down the MVP of the 2015 season as he spear-headed a 15-1 season and spent the second half of the season scoring fucking touchdowns like it ain’t no thang. Scoring touchdowns with a rag tag receiving team of guys who had been dropped by other teams. I never thought I’d see the day that Ted Ginn Jr. would look like an actual receiving threat and Cam made that happen this year. Honestly, if Ginn could ever learn how to consistently catch a fucking football, half of those wins would have been 100x easier. That’s all without talking about their unbelievable defense and just a phenomenal cast of characters you want to root for like Thomas Davis Senior and Luke Kuechly and, of fucking course, Josh Norman having the breakout year of breakout years. Absolutely, love these Panthers.

CINCINATTI BENGALS – 8.5 – Less… Fuck the Bengals. Fuck them. I was wrong. They had 12 wins. Who cares. Fuck them.

DETROIT LIONS – 8.5 – I’m saying less… I was right. They had 7. Also, fuck the Lions. I was rooting against the Lions all year because I was at a wedding in Maryland at the start of the season and some goofus named Rence or Rents or whatever the fuck – GET A REAL NAME! – was at this wedding and he heard me talking to someone else about football, so he joined the conversation and he was the fucking WORST and he was a Detroit Lions fan, so fuck the Detroit Lions. And I was already like fuck this guy with a spiked dildo, but then Danielle’s like, ‘he hooked up with my friend ____’ and I’m like what?!?!?! And it’s not even like Danielle’s got any non-cute-physically, non-cute-personality friends that she could have named that I would have been happy to hear hooked up with Rents or Rence or whatever the fuck. Ugh. Rents or Rence or whatever the fuck actually said that Tom Brady isn’t a top 10 quarterback. GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE. If someone said, ‘Tom Brady is the greatest quarterback in the history of the NFL.’ I’d say, ‘Yep.’ If someone said, ‘Tom Brady is tied with Peyton Manning as the greatest quarterback in the history of the NFL.’ I’d say, ‘Yep.’ If somebody said anything else then I’d think they’re fucking lying to me and themselves. I hate the Patriots and everything, but do you fucking watch football?!!? It’s fucking Tom ‘Terrific’ Brady, he’s the best.

HOUSTON TEXANS – 8.5 – I’d like to say more… I did it again! Just barely though. 9 wins for the Texans as they shat out the first half of the season and then got their act together in the second half of the season. They’re an odd ball club and at some fucking point they will need to answer the QB question, but right now, they’re in the playoffs and they have a chance at beating the Chiefs in Houston.

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS – 8.5 – I wouldn’t put money it… I was wrong on this one. BOOM! ELEVEN WINS! The Chiefs are the strangest team. They are the definition of taking it one game at a time. They’re coached by a series of 90 some odd year old men and have a stout defense and an offense that just kind of gets it done when it has to. They’ve won the first game of the season then lost the next five then won the next 10. Fucking 10 straight wins?! It’s pretty nutso. They’re not a team to take lightly and they don’t see intimidated by anyone. The Texans and Chiefs may not be the flashiest game of this coming weekend, but it’s going to be a good one.

NEW YORK GIANTS – 8.5 – Almost by default would I say that the Giants are going to get 9 wins because I think the Redskins will suck and I think the Cowboys will not be good… Nope. 6 wins for the G-Men and mighty Tom Coughlin has finally stepped down. Who knows where they go from here. They are a strange team that needs a lot of help almost everywhere and they will be entering the unknown next season. They are a team that deals in the extreme and we’ll see how they try to ride this wave of needing to fix a sporadic defense, a lackluster offensive line, and an almost non-existent run game… all with a new head coach for the first time in over a decade.

PITTSBURGH STEELERS – 8.5 – More. I’m shocked that this isn’t more difficult… I was right, my bias was right – 10 wins for the Steelers. I know I’m a fan, but seriously they should have more wins than that. They should have won both of those shitty games against the Ravens and they should have won a few others in there. They have the capability to be an excellent offense, but they like to fuck up. Their defense has pieces, but overall that secondary is atrocious and those guys are just not dependable enough. Especially, since for whatever reason, the Steelers love handicapping themselves at beginning of games. Ben likes to fuck up, their D likes to fuck up, and then they’re playing from behind. They’re a dangerous team, but sometimes they don’t show up. I think they have the ability to beat any team out there and for the most part they’ve proven that. Could/should have beaten the Pats at full strength the first game of the season, let the Seahawks come back against them, they beat the Broncos, they beat the Cardinals, they beat the Bengals and should have beat them the first time too. The Steelers can be great. Let’s see if they allow themselves to do it.

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS – 8.5 – I’d say less… Yikes, I was right and it was really right. The Chargers only got 4 wins this season and they’ll probably end up in LA next season. I expect a lot of changes between this season and the next for the Chargers. Rivers has said he doesn’t want to play in LA, they’re seemingly done with Eric Weddle, how many more seasons is Antonio Gates going to keep playing… who knows. Bad season for them.

MIAMI DOLPHINS – 9 – I’d say around that and I’d say more. I’d say 10 wins is doable for the Dolphins… Oof. I was wrong about this. Six wins for the Dolphins. Not a good season. It ended on a high note beating the Patriots and Tom Brady, but they lost their coach, their QB’s reputation was dragged through the mud on a few occasions, and really no future is set for them. Plus, they have the shittiest ad campaign around the team #StrongerTogether. Ugh.

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS – 9 – If it wasn’t for the fact that they get to play the Falcons and Bucs twice a year… but I don’t know. Isn’t this team done, yet?… They might be done. Only 7 wins for the Saints. Everyone thinks that Sean Payton and Drew Brees are at the end of their rope in New Orleans except for them. Their defense still sucks. Their offense isn’t as credible. And the team just seems leaky.

BALTIMORE RAVENS – 9.5 – 10 is a big number. I’d say more… Wrong! Huge weird collapse from the Ravens this year. They barely won 5 games and motherfucking 2 of them were against the Steelers. Unreal. Anyway, the Ravens sucked a bag of AIDS dicks this season and lord only knows what will happen to them next season. I can’t imagine they’ll be that bad next season, but what the fuck do I know.

DALLAS COWBOYS – 9.5 – Less… Yep. I don’t like the Cowboys in general. I couldn’t have guessed that Romo would go down and basically never show up again, but that happened. The team got 4 wins and for whatever reason they’re cool with that. With all the stomping and hoo-hahing from other teams, the Cowboys only got 4 wins and they’re pretty quiet about it all. Lord knows Romo will be back and supposedly their coach Jason Garrett too. I still don’t think they’re that good of a team with Romo in there, but whatevs.

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES – 9.5 – Someone has to win the games in this division, right? I don’t think I’m comfortable betting 10 games won by the Eagles. I think I would say they’re going to win the division, but that may be at 9-7… I was wrong. They 7 wins and furiously fired their head coach with one game left in the season. The way people acted about the Eagles you would’ve thought they went 1-15 after winning the super bowl the year earlier. Anyway, they’ve got a very weird team and it’s going to be a weird season for them next year.

DENVER BRONCOS – 10.5 – Yeah, why not. It’s still fucking Peyton… 12 wins and it is still Peyton, but it was Brock Osweiler too. Couldn’t have guessed that one at all. The Broncos are a good football club with talent everywhere and they rightfully got a shit ton of wins. Peyton came back strong in the final game of the season and they seem to have some momentum with a bye week heading into the playoffs. Not an easy team to tangle with.

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS – 10.5 – Yep. Of course. Why wouldn’t they get 11 wins this year? They’ve got no reason, absolutely no reason to not get 11 wins this year. The Colts should be a 13-3 or 14-2 team this year, so if they’re not then they suck and fuck Luck if he doesn’t get 13 wins this year. C’mon, neck beard, show us what you got… They got 8 wins and I think I said everything I could have said in my prediction. It’s amazing they even had 8 wins. They looked like trash most of the season.

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS – 10.5 – Fuck them. Fuck them. Fuck them. Of course, 11 wins. Of fucking course, 11 wins… Yep. 12 wins. Of course, they got 12 wins. And somehow lost to the Eagles and Dolphins. Seriously? What in the hell was that?!

GREEN BAY PACKERS – 11 – 12 wins? I don’t know about that… 10 wins, so they didn’t get over 11, but I didn’t really say for sure my thoughts, but I did say as you can see that I wasn’t confident in 12 wins. The Packers had an odd season trying to find themselves. They’re still not an easy team to beat, but they are certainly beatable. Their offense and defense are not fully dependable. The best thing ever though was the Packers beating the Lions via a last second Hail Mary because that was rad and fuck Rents or Rence or whatever fuck. I hope he cried like the man-baby he is/was.

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS – 11 – Yep. Of course. Should’ve won the GOT DAMN Super Bowl, but they didn’t and they’re still a fucking menace as a football team… Well, they got 10 wins. The Seahawks were a team that was consistently better than their record had us believe and in the end got 10 wins and a berth in the playoffs. They finished the season strong by eviscerating the Cardinals and now will head to Minnesota. Honestly, I think they should be the favorite in that game. Russell Wilson has been playing like a damn mad man this past month and their defense has been showing up. I know the Vikings got 11 wins and blah blah blah, but I would be more surprised to see the Vikes win than the Seahawks.

So, in reality, I got more right than wrong on that list, but whatever – I’m self-deprecating.

As for the playoffs this weekend…

I’m saying the Steelers beat the Bengals and the Chiefs beat the Texans, and the Seahawks beat the Vikings and the Packers and Skins die in an alien invasion. I don’t know. Am I really going to pick the Washingtonians? I don’t know. I think the Packers take that one.

I love you! Happy new year!

3 Responses to “NFL Week 17 Report or How Wrong I Was With My NFL Predictions”

  1. PWG said

    First of all, thank you guys for the best WTF moment of 2016 so far, which was physical mail received at my house addressed to PWG. I literally made the Scooby Doo sound when I was flipping through the stack of mail in my house. I didn’t know that my go-to “Huh?” sound was this until that day.

    Second of all, I have barely watched 12 minutes of football this year because I’m mad at Football at the moment. I’m sure Football is very broken up about it, and my missing $4 bajillion NFL Sunday Ticket subscription this year, although I haven’t received a card from Roger Goodell, addressed to PWG or anyone else. The 12 minutes I did watch was the Broncos/Bengals game, which admittedly was fantastic and made me miss the rest of the season.

    Since my hockey team also sucks, I’m watching old UFC fights for my sports fix. When I see a good one, I’m sad that no one on the internet cares about it anymore. Looking at you, UFC 166 Melendez v. Sanchez.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      I care! Melendez/Sanchez was great. That whole UFC 166 card was absolutely bonkers. Sanchez has a litany of great fights – him vs. Kampmann, Guida, Karo, Nick Diaz, Ellenberger. He also was on the receiving end of one of the worst one-sided ass kickings ever by BJ Penn.

  2. susanelle said

    Jordan, I want summer movie reviews / speculations, stat

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