BY REQUEST — KSWI’s 2016 SUMMER MOVIE REVIEWS!!!!

November 2, 2016

Hey there, lovers and lovees!

Am I doing this right? It’s been awhile, hopefully, I still got the magic in these fingertips to rant and rave like a Republican Presidential candidate on a sniffling binge at 3am molesting his iPhone’s keyboard with his mini-sausage fingers like all the unfortunate women who have been within arm’s reach of his KKK endorsed pigeon dick. WHAT?! I believe I still got it.

ANYWHATZZLE!

I saw this…

Susanelle – Jordan, I want summer movie reviews / speculations, stat

BOOM!

ASK AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE, SUSANELLE!

Or, at least, ask in a comment and you shall receive a cool four months after you asked.

Yes, yes, yes. I had been thinking of all of you more than usual. I had thought about doing a post, which I’ll mention more later in this post when it is more appropos – oh who gives a shit. I decided to force myself to watch Suicide Squad. GUESS WHAT? I HATED IT … and … I couldn’t even finish the fucker! I still have a half hour left. Fuck! Why is that movie two hours long?! Probably because there’s an insane amount of bullshit that doesn’t need to be in the movie, plus, the whole movie didn’t need to be made either. I’m jumping to and fro, per usual, and I need to take a second.

BREATHE

BREATHE

BREATHE

BREATHE

ACTUALLY!

“DON’T BREATHE”!

AM I RIGHT?!

I saw that movie! And it is alright. More on that later.

I think of you often. I thought I would subject myself to Suicide Squad for your enjoyment. Or for my own. Or whatever. And then, I realized that all this time, I wasn’t logged into KSWI on WordPress. This whole time, I had been logged into HeyyyBrother and I’s wedding website, which no one has commented on, apparently. But there was a comment on KSWI in June from Susanelle, which I hadn’t seen until the end of last week when I started to write about Suicide Squad. LO AND BEHOLD (Reveries of the Connected World… a movie I have not seen yet, but desperately want to), there was a comment on KSWI urging for a post and here I am to give it.

Let me give you it to you!

So, Susanelle wanted “summer movie reviews/speculations”. I will give you all that I have Susanelle in that. I have seen 15 movies this year. I’m including in that the 3/4’s of Suicide Squad. I will watch the last half hour sooner than later. I’m pretty sure that in the last half hour of that movie, director David Ayer isn’t going to summon a magical Bahamut of a good movie to fucking lay to fucking waste the putrid shit of 90 minutes up until then. THERE HAVE BEEN THREE FUCKING HELICOPTER CRASHES IN THE FUCKING MOVIE AND EVERYONE SURVIVES THEM! ANY FUCKING CHARACTER WITH A FUCKING NAME HAS BEEN IN ONE OF THREE HELICOPTER CRASHES AND THEY’VE ALL SURVIVED! WHAT IN THE FUCK IS HAPPENING IN THIS FUCKING MOVIE?!?!!?!??!?!?!!!

Back to the point of the post, I guess me ranting is always the point, but movies!

I have seen 15 movies that came out in 2016 or, at least, I believe all of these movies came out in theaters this year, but what the fuck ever! You’re getting some movie reviews from me, Kay-Swidge-Izzle and if I’m still feeling a bit frisky I’ll throw in some speculations about upcoming movies.

!!!MOVIE REVIEWS!!!

But firest, I must admit, I kind of fucked up the order on this, so the first like six are not in chronological order and the following nine I believe are in chronological order. Not that that matters, but I’m telling you anyway. I’m not here to hide from you, you know? I mean two hours ago, I burped/coughed/sneezed at the same time and almost vomitted. That happened! That absolutely happened. And I’m just telling you that because that’s how we share. Do you feel a little less alone in this big big world knowing that I nearly threw up because my mouth oriface tried to do everything it could possibly do at once and the rest of my body couldn’t handle that? Maybe! MAY! BE! Ok? xoxooxoxoxxxxxxx, ok too many kisses, ooooooooo… ppppp p stands for pat on the back. Now, I’m walking away. Giving you your personal space.

AND I’M BACK! MISS ME?! Ugh… ok… movie reviews…

THE WITCH – FUCKING LOVED IT. BAM! Who is Robert Eggers? I don’t know. Who is Anya Taylor-Joy? I don’t know. But I love them. And I love the mom and dad in this movie aka “Game of Thrones” alumni Ralph Ineson and Kate Dickie. And those creepy twins and the sad brother. It’s all great. Two of the best movies I’ve seen this year were technically “horror” movies. I usually say I don’t like horror movies and that’s because I don’t. I don’t like Paranormal Activity and Hostel and whatever else that classically defines horror, but the idea of HOR ROR can be wonderful in movies. Genres are for Netflix coders and ghosts trapped in old Blockbusters. For the rest of us, movies are good or bad. Even that’s questionable. BACK TO THE POINT…

The Witch fucking rocked. It’s a slow burn creep fest set in pre-Salem witch trials New England. It’s stifling, it’s uncomfortable, it’s bleak, and it’s fucking riveting. It’s almost like The Shining, but set in 1630’s woods. First time writer/director absolutely nails the tone he’s going for and the tension and the suspense and the horror is on fucking point. It feels earnest, it feels well-crafted, and there’s shit at stake. Most movies don’t do any of those three things and most don’t nail any tone down for the movie and Eggers does in this strange period piece about religion, witchcraft, and the terribleness of siblings.

It’s also 92 minutes with credits, so there is nothing but meat on these bones. I have and will continue to recommend this movie much heartily.

GREEN ROOM – FUCKING LOVED IT. BAM BAM! Who is Jeremy Saulnier? A man I’m following to the bitter end. Who is Macon Blair? One of the most naturally captivating actors out there. I haven’t watched their first effort “Murder Party”, but I have seen “Blue Ruin”. I highly-recommend that movie. In that movie, I feel in love with Saulnier’s ability to capture tone, earnestness, craft, and shit at stake. And his muse, Macon Blair, I found staring at him the way Saulnier must have and the way Paul Thomas Anderson did when he saw Philip Seymour Hoffman for the first time. There’s just something desperate, broken, needy, but resolute and in charge about Blair in both Blue Ruin and then Green Room.

Like The Witch, Green Room is a horror movie. It’s a wild, bloody affair with real tension and violence and threat and menace and a point. It’s great. It’s practical and forceful and it lures you in and then SNAPS on you like beartrap. Also, like The Witch, it’s 95 minutes with no fat on it and it’s wonderful. It’s about a punk band who accidentally takes a gig at a skinhead club in the middle of the woods and witnesses some bad shit and now those skinheads plan to murder the band and the band is fighting for the lives to survive.

It’s great. It’s not for everyone. It’s sad that Anton Yelchin died in general and it’s sad because he’s great as the lead in this movie and not enough people have seen this to see the type of young actor we lost. I look forward to anything Saulnier and Blair put out.

I will say that this movie and the next do have violence against animals, specifically dogs, in them. Green Room’s is less graphic, but it is more and more difficult for me to watch any violence against animals, especially dogs, in movies. It’s fake. Yeah, we know, but the feeling behind it is awful, which is why people use it in movies a lot of times because it is a viscera feeling for most. Anyway, just saying…

THE LOBSTER – I loved this movie. I will say right off the bat that there is a graphic depiction of a dog murdered and other animals killed. It does serve the story, but I won’t shy away from saying it’s difficult to watch and can be quite upsetting. With that being said…

This is a great movie. There are common themes among these first three movies besides that I liked them quite a bit… the tone, nailed. Everything else I said about craft and shit being at stake, nailed. There is also a dark humor, an uneasy bleakness, and a push to escape one’s surroundings. And they’re manifested into three very different movies.

Despite the actual horror in the movie during the dog death and so forth, this movie made me laugh so hard throughout much of it. Greek director Yorgos Lanthimos directed the most awkward and wooden and hilarious dark comedy about dating. The Lobster at its core is trashing dating, marriage, single-life, and really just relationships in general and it’s funny. It’s insane too. The movie is set in a dystopian future where sad singles move into a hotel to either find their spouse or be literally turned into an animal of their choosing. Not only does it lampoon dating and love life and blah blah blah, but it also nails all the rebellion and espionage and world building that takes place in sci-fi dystopian movies that are all the rage.

It has a great cast lead by Colin Farrell and Rachel Weisz with a great supporting cast like John C. Reilly, Lea Seydoux, Ben Whishaw, Ashley Jensen, and Olivia Colman.

TICKLED – If you’re even remotely interested in seeing a documentary about a tickling fetish THEN YOU MUST SEE THIS FUCKING MOVIE! Seriously, watch the trailer and don’t even try to deny you want to see this damn movie… It’s fucking great and worth it…

SWISS ARMY MAN – And last and for sure not least on the front six movies that I highly motherfucking recommend from this year is the absurd, hopeless romantic, comedy featuring Paul Dano and Daniel Radcliffe (and his bare ass). I do not want to give anything more away than this movie is wonderful and fucking nuts. Again, I’m just going to post the trailer below and if this colorful nuttiness looks even remotely interesting or makes your crotch twitch even slightly then it’s worth your time…

Now onto the chronological order movies…

DEADPOOL – Meh. It has become readily apparent to me that comic book movies are not being made with me in mind. Or at least, today’s me. Seemingly, they have me in mind, but it’s 1998’s me. Like, I wasn’t able to drive yet and I was 15 and hadn’t seen as many good movies or movies in general as I’ve seen now. It’s depressing. It’s just depressing. I get that someone in a sense has to make movies for teenage boys whether they are actual teenage boys or grown-ups with the same taste as a negative stereotype of teenage boys, but doesn’t it seem more depressing when you realize that it’s like dozens of grown-up men ranging from late 30’s at best through to AARP level who are making this movie that is for the next wave of degenerate white boys?

Maybe it’s not the worst thing. Suicide Squad is the worst thing of the above mentioned. Deadpool does get anally fucked by his girlfriend in this movie, so maybe Deadpool is actually reaching out a little to a more open-minded next generation. I don’t know.

I will say I read the original script for Deadpool. I hated that. HATED that. It was everything I wouldn’t want in a Deadpool movie. And while the movie does follow much of the script very closely, the movie did remove the most offensive parts. The movie doesn’t openly masturbate about types of guns and so forth like the script does as if it penned with barrel lube from a Swastika-tattooed NRA member. The movie is much better than the script. Much better. I will say that for sure.

There’s plenty of needless stupidity in the movie like the entirety of the final fight. Why was that on a decomposed ship in a junkyard in the middle of the day? Is that a thing that even exists? And how is Deadpool able to piece the glass on the tube that Morena Baccarin is in with a thrown sword, but the glass is perfectly fine after falling off that decomposing freight ship onto concrete with other concrete and shipping containers falling on it? Who cares, I guess.

Deadpool is in a way sadly refreshing and good for the low bar that is out there for comic book movies. Deadpool is a more realized character worth watching than Hugh Jackman as Wolverine any day of the week. The axe-wielding villain sucked in this movie. I love the movie for having Gina Carano in it and her fight with Colossus is pretty solid for the little bit there is of it. I wouldn’t tell anyone to go out of their way to see the movie as I don’t really think any of it was actually funny or anything and was more annoying than anything, but it is actually much better than the rest of the comic book movies out there this year.

10 CLOVERFIELD LANE – It’s definitely watchable. I don’t think movie was nearly as smart as they thought it was or hoped to be, but it works enough. I legit have no clue what we’re supposed to think about the subplot that John Goodman’s character is a pedophile, child-kidnapper, and killer, but it doesn’t seem like the makers of the movie thought that much of it either. They kind of just throw it into the movie like you throw paprika into a stew – for who gives a shit added color. It’s not bad, but it’s kind of all over the map with tone. In a sense, you can say they’re trying too hard to be too much, but more so I would say they just don’t know what they want to be as they think they can be everything.

You know how you finish watching some movies and you’re like well there was some action, some humor, some drama, and some thriller moments, so I guess it was a movie, right? I guess. As crafted as it felt, it felt even more so just thrown together. They designed this bunker and all of its nostalgic details, but forgot to tack on any sense to the escape. It’s a movie! It was enough of a distraction if you’re looking to kill 2 hours, which we all are at some point in time. There you go.

Holy shit… 2500 words already?! Jeez…

BATMAN V SUPERMAN: DAWN OF JUSTICE – I hated it. I hated it! I HATED IT! What the fuck was the point of this movie? I have defended Zack Snyder and his movies before and would gladly do it again because I genuinely think those other movies are good, but this? This?! This suhhhhhh-hhhhhuuuuuccckkkkkeeeddd! I hated this fucking pile of dump. We haven’t even gotten to Suicide Squad yet, but over the course of 90 minutes of that movie I took NINE PAGES of notes about those 90 minutes. I could have done more and will do more for the rest of the 30 minutes, but there are just choices after choices after choices made that make no fucking sense or have such little sense to them that what the fuck is it trying to say or why is it trying to say that.

Jesse Eisenberg is the worst. Jesse as Lex is a plague against all of our brains that people, multiple people day after day after day after thought what he was doing as Lex was ok. AND THOSE PEOPLE SHOULD BE BEATEN WITH BAGS OF LEMONS FOR THINKING THAT. I cannot express how awful and purposefully terrible Jesse’s Lex character is because of his acting choices as well as the script’s decisions for him. Besides the odd voice and cadence and hair and wardrobe and physical decisions made by boy wonder Jesse or by Zack or by whoever – LEX LUTHOR PEES INTO A JAR AND LABELS IT WITH MASKING TAPE AND THEN SNEAKS INTO A UNITED STATES SENATE COURT ROOM OR SOMETHING AND LEAVES IT ON THE FUCKING DAIS WHERE THE SENATORS SIT IN THIS ROOM AND NO ONE STOPPED HIM AND HE DOES THIS AS A PRACTICAL JOKE RIGHT BEFORE BLOWING UP THE ENTIRE ROOM, WHICH KILLS EVERYONE IN IT.

That happens in the movie. Lex Luthor pees into a jar. That happens. That happens! They made a movie that cost like $300 million to make and they have a seen where a billionaire villain played by Jesse Eisenberg pees into a glass mason jar. THAT HAPPENS! WHY DID THAT HAPPEN?! IT WOULD ALMOST BE HILARIOUS IF IT WASN’T SO FUCKING SAD! WHAT IS HAPPENING ON THIS EARTH THAT PEOPLE OKED THIS! PEOPLE UPON PEOPLE UPON PEOPLE THOUGHT THAT WAS A PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE THING FOR JESSE EISENBERG’S BILLIONAIRE VILLAINOUS STEVE JOBS VERSION OF LEX LUTHOR TO DO! IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS WEIRDO CHARACTER’S LIFE WHERE HE’S COMMUNICATING WITH DEMONS FROM DIFFERENT PLANES OF EXISTENCES THROUGH ALIEN TECHNOLOGY AND SORCERY — HE IS ALSO PEEING INTO JARS FOR PRACTICAL JOKES!

The movie is like 30 hours of awful ranging from Wonder Woman checking her email to a myriad of flashback/flashforward/dream sequences that do not factor into this movie, but possible sequels or prequels or who knows what and it just sucks. From the big picture to the small picture, it’s wrong. Forest from the trees? It’s more like they were so focused on painting this elaborate and enormous forest that they were so focused on just getting it done that they didn’t realize that it’s just a mess of choices that are pink and purple and they don’t look like trees and it’s just all wrong. As wrong as that metaphor.

I don’t even know where to go with this, but people complain a lot about the ending. If you were digging the movie up until the “Martha” revelation then something might be wrong with you. The movie sucked. It doesn’t even matter if Ben Affleck could have been a good Batman because 9 out of 10 things Batman does in the movie is so stupid and pointless that it’s truly difficult to judge what the fuck these actors are doing.

Oh man, I just remember that fucking awful scene where Superman gets into the bathtub with Lois. Holy shit. WHAT WAS THAT SCENE?! Man, this was a shitty movie. For a second there, it was like Zack couldn’t help himself because it seems like you’re going to get full frontal nudity from Amy Adams and this is like a PG movie. It’s nuts. I bet Zack had Cavill and Adams film like a graphic full front fuck scene in that tub and Zack and his producing partner wife get off to it on the reg, which really is the only thing that makes me still want to like Zack after this is all said and done.

What a shitty movie.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR – Sucked. I don’t know what the point of these movies are besides making them. Same can be said for the next movie. The best scene in this movie is the airport fight scene, which is in a way the worst scene in the movie. There is a moment where I think it’s Scarlett Witch or Scarlett Johansson or some truly attractive woman says to weirdo fingers Jeremy Renner that he is pulling his punches (his punches that are a ball of his weirdo fingers) and Renner responds as Hawkeye – that they’re all on the same team. Maybe he says something else, but this whole huge fight scene is a bunch of people fighting, but not trying to hurt each other kind of, but at the same time using the deadliest weapons and techniques, but they know they’re not going to hurt each other though with them. Like people are shooting bullets and missiles at each other, shooting laser beams at each other, throwing each other into explosions, dropping heavy things onto each other, smashing each other… but they’re not trying to hurt each other? What? It’s dumb. So many movies have scenes like this scene and it’s dumb. It’s dumb!

Nothing is at stake. Nothing is at stake in this whole fucking movie. So it’s dumb. The whole point of the movie is for us to literally stare at actors faces that we know and I guess like. That’s it! It’s a sizzle reel of Robert Downey Jr’s face and then his face again and his voice and his face and then Chris Evans’ face and his voice then back to RDJ and then to Jeremy Renner then Scarlett Johannson although not too much because we like looking at the boys more than the girls then Aaron Taylor Johnson’s face and then hey Paul Rudd and then back to RDJ then two hours of RDJ and Sebastian Stan’s face. That’s it. We like looking at their faces. I KNOW THAT FACE! I LIKE THAT FACE! SHOW ME THAT FACE! SHOW IT TO ME AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN! People just love fucking looking at Robert Downey Jr.’s face and hearing his voice. I’m not one of those people, but billions of dollars are on the otherside of that sentence who legit just want his face and voice in a loop.

X-MEN: APOCALYPSE – Sucked. BvS looked exhausting. It was such a mess and there was so much of it. It’s exhausting. Civil War looked like they were having a good time making the movie. It’s easy. There’s virtually zero heavy lifting going on in the movie and it’s just great and they know it will be a success and it’s a breeze. They could make 100 Civil War movies in a year without breaking a sweat. This movie? Everyone looks fucking depressed. No one is into it. They all look like they don’t know why they’re there. Like on the set of Civil War, you’re like yeah people like looking at RDJ’s face like millions upon billions of people and then hey there’s Chris Evans and people fucking love looking at his face and hey they’re facing talking to each other and then wait there’s Don Cheadle who doesn’t like looking at his face, some people who watch Showtime like looking at his dick even. What? Is that Scarlett Johansson!?! Man, everyone loves looking at these people’s faces. I’m going to enjoy looking at their faces while making this movie. This all makes sense.

But then there’s the X-Men set, which thinks it’s the same as Civil War, but it’s not. Of course, there’s Jennifer Lawrence. We love looking at her face, for sure. Michael Fassbender, you know we do like looking at his face, but does everyone know his face at this point? I mean definitely not as much as RDJ or Chris Evans. James McAvoy? Oh right, I do know his face. I’m not sure everyone wants to see his face. Who is Nicholas Hoult? Or really any of these people? I mean I don’t really know who Oscar Isaac is, I mean I do because of Star Wars, but I don’t see his face in this movie and then who are all these people? Jesus, there are so many people in this movie. There’s like 50 people in this movie and I don’t know who any of them are and I haven’t seen Jennifer Lawrence’s face in like 20 minutes, which makes me mad and is that Sansa from Game of Thrones? She’s in this? Who are these people with her? I don’t want to see their faces.

Add onto that a completely fucking terrible, stupid movie that just sucks. Michael Fassbender genuinely looks like he hated making this movie, by the by. The movie is just bad. Scene after scene of dumb. I truly disliked this movie and the lack of thought put into any of it. It has a lot of the same problems that BvS has where it thinks it is making a big, grand, epic movie and is instead just making a stupid mess. And it’s just bad. Nothing to like about this movie. Well, actually, I did wait to sit through the credits to see the post-credits scene, which sucked like the rest of the movie, but while watching the credits I noticed how many motherfucking people are listed in the credits and thought, “Well, at least, a lot of people got work out of this bullshit. I guess that’s something.” And then after the post-credits scene, there was blurb congratulating itself on how many people were employed making this movie. Cool. Thanks! Thanks Bryan Singer for wasting my 2.5 hours with your shit movie, but I’m glad all those people got money and possibly healthcare coverage out of it.

WARCRAFT – Sucked. Waste of time and effort. For 3.5 years or whatever they spent making this movie, it sort of looks like every other fucking movie. Duncan Jones has directed “Moon” and “Source Code”, which I’m a big fan of both. I’m glad this Warcraft shit is over, so that Duncan can go back to making movies that could be good. Everyone and their mother hated or didn’t see “John Carter” and I believe I wrote a large bit about how much I hated that movie and I think almost all of that stuff can be applicable for how much I disliked Warcraft.

CGI is not good. You have to be very clever and sparing with your use of CGI or it just looks bad and/or silly. The best CGI looks about as good as “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?”, but it works in that movie because of the tone and use of it. It’s supposed to be absurd and silly and it’s supposed to look like two competing versions of reality. Whereas, Warcraft? It looks like a bunch of actors stuck on a soundstage for a few years and it sucks. Just like the Star Wars Prequels. Just like Michael Fassbender in that X-Men movie as he needlessly floats in the sky and needlessly churns flying debris to what purpose no one knows. And watching it and trying to enjoy it looks like Fassbender when he’s still floating and throwing an infinite stream of that debris into the forcefield of Oscar Isaac waving his arms around in the air and blowing up that debris with about a third of the menace I had when I was a 4 year old karate chopping low-tide ocean waves on a family vacation to the Jersey Shore.

GHOSTBUSTERS – Could’ve been better. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t great. And really what made it bad or not great is the need for this movie to be some big fucking summer fucking fuckathon blockbuster. The stuff with Kristen Wiig being funny or Melissa McCarthy being funny and berating the Chinese delivery guy or Leslie Jones being funny or Kate McKinnon stealing every scene she was in — that’s fine. That’s good. That’s what the movie should have been from beginning to end. But what really soured me is the end of the world ending and the lack of emphasis on the rules of what the ghosts did or what their powers were, which is a problem for lots and lots of movies. Like the movies listed above. I don’t know where the powers begin and end with Apocalypse in X-Men, which makes him pointless. I don’t know where the powers begin and end with the witchdoctor guy in WarCraft or really any magic user in WarCraft, which makes it pointless. I think Ghostbusters hurts itself trying to stay true to the original at points, but overall my issues with it are the issues that most summer blockbusters have – nothing at stake and it’s just a mess as they make the movie so big. Definitely some funny stuff in the movie and it’s not terrible by any stretch of the imagination. Paul Feig’s previous work with Melissa is much better. “Spy” is fucking great. “The Heat” is fucking great. And “Bridesmaids” is great too. All the misogyny about the movie is fucking bullshit and any person who tweeted shit like that I hope will all get stabbed. Literally stabbed. With a fork, a knife, a machete. It really depends on how many tweets you sent and what words were used, but you should get stabbed. I pray to the Lord above that you are stabbed.

SUICIDE SQUAD – Sucked. I’m 90 minutes in and it sucks. It doesn’t make a lick of sense. It’s a fucking mess. And it’s just another fucking dumbass David Ayer movie. People complain about the Joker. They should. Those people have not seen David Ayer’s other movies I must assume because everything you hate about the Joker is exactly like a villain in another David Ayer movie. Jared Leto is an asshole if he did weird shit to the other actors in this movie to get into the role of a character that is far from original and already exists in movies that this below average director has already made. Annoying cartoon Latino gangster villains? Yeah, watch a fucking other David Ayer movie – they’re chock full of them.

As for the movie… I thought it was a strange choice when they cast Will Smith. Reason being- Will Smith doesn’t play bad guys. At some point in an ultra famous actor’s career, they can make choices like, “I don’t play villains anymore.” And Will Smith made that choice. Arnold Schwarzenegger made that choice. Plenty of other actors who have gotten that famous have made that choice.

With that being said, what is Suicide Squad supposed to be? It’s about a group of villains being forced into a situation where they use their villain powers to do good despite themselves. Like I said, Will Smith doesn’t play villains. And he doesn’t play a villain in this movie either. It’s debatable if anyone plays a villain in this movie, honestly. Will Smith for sure isn’t playing a villain. So, if this movie is not about villains and is instead just a bunch of maybe reluctant heroes then what you’re looking at is “Guardians of the Galaxy” and that’s what this movie is.

I don’t think that this is some revelation or anything, but this movie is DC’s answer to GotG. And that’s fine in a sense if that’s what this movie says it is going to be. What it says it’s going to be is villains, but they’re not villains as this movie goes to great lengths to emphasize why these characters have all been wronged and are all sympathetic. Great. That’s great for a movie about heroes who got injustice done to them, but it’s a movie about villains and no one is a villain. And it’s just a shitty ripoff of Guardians of the Galaxy, which is a movie I wasn’t even into to begin with.

Like I said before, I have 9+ pages of notes of problems with about every decision made in this movie like a voiceover telling us that Joker loves Harley and that he would never hurt her and that she’s even crazier than him, which immediately goes into the Joker driving him and Harley off an embankment into water and Harley screaming Joker’s name like she’s terrified and he does this without a second thought to them surviving and he leaves Harley in the car wreckage in the water. So, did anyone pay attention to what was happening when they were making this movie or what?

Bad movie.

DON’T BREATHE – Fine. Not great, but certainly entertaining enough. It’s got some dumb shit in it for sure and the ending certainly is filled with a whole closet full of what the fucks about the writer or the director has swirling around in his brain, but I guess why not, right? Who doesn’t like the prospect of a murderous old blind war veteran raping young women with turkey basters filled with his warm jizz? Right?! Spoiler alert, I suppose, but I actually think I’m selling the movie better than it was on TV. From the trailers, it doesn’t look like a movie that has a turkey baster filled with warm semen playing a very prominent role, but in reality that’s what the movie turns into OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE.

Anyway, movies, right?

Fuck me, 5500 words.

Thank you for reading.

XOXOXOXOXOXOX

 

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