Hey.

Is this thing on? Is this fucking thing on?! THING?! FUCKING?! ON!???!

Anyway…

Hello, sex bombs! Hello to my lovely sex bombs! MY MOTHERFUCKING SEX BOMBS! Call someone a sex bomb today and you’re guaranteed to make yourself feel better and maybe that person as well. PUT A SMILE ON SOME SEX BOMBS FUCKING FACE TODAY. TODAY. DO IT. Maybe that sex bomb doesn’t know there a sex bomb and they need you to shine a spotlight on it. MAYBE that sex bomb is always wagging their cutie tush around and they don’t even fucking know it. They don’t see it. It’s behind them. But you see it. OH YOU FUCKING SEE IT. And you fucking let them know that today. Today. Maybe that person used to be called sex bomb all the time by some sex sweated hunk-a-dunks, but it’s been awhile because life ain’t that titillating when the impending end of existence is getting closer by the motherfucking day and shitty shit the shittiest shit humans are committing racial atrocities everyday. So you let that sex bomb know. LET EM KNOW. You call ’em sex bomb then that just taps into their ancient sex bomb power and they just unleash this sex bomb strut and musk and the world is fucking better for like 45 seconds. Maybe the person isn’t really a sex bomb, but, with a little help, they can make this sex bomb title a self-fulfilling prophecy and they decide to live up to being a sex bomb now that they’ve got the confidence for it like when George Lucas told a bunch of film editors about this whacky idea he had for non-linear editing in computers and then those editors were like yeah that should be a thing and then they just fucking made it. Same goes for THX sound. But imagine that with sex bombs. ANYWAY, YOU MADE A SEX BOMB. CONGRATULATIONS. CONGRATU-FUCKING-LATIONS. Lastly, maybe this sex bomb is a real deal sex bomb. They got sex bomb hair. They got sex bomb shoulders. They got them sex bomb nips, whether you’ve seen them or not you can tell. You fucking know it. They fucking know it. But it has never been said. TODAY. Say it fucking today. SEX BOMB.

What the fuck am I talking about?!

AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

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..

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Ok.

Let’s just say, the world is rubbish like an uncircumcised Englishman would say and let’s move on.

If I’m being honest, which I think I am with all of you, I wanted to post this quick thought about something incredibly random and I just couldn’t think of where to do that. There’s the F book, there’s the Twit Twat, there’s my wife’s email, there’s my friends’ email chain, there’s just keeping it to myself in my head where most of these thoughts stay and bump into each other and fornicate and make the beast with two backs and keeping in shape with jumping jacks and throwing each other threw tables covered in tacks and watching highlight films of my man Plax and recreating The Mighty Ducks by doing them quacks and licking the cheese dust from a bag of Jax and putting their faces into each other’s butt cracks…

I’m back?

What? I don’t know. Ok. So, I wanted to share this thought I had about masturbating to LEGOs and I thought that KSWI could be the best place for that to be posted. Right? Feels right. Seems right. Smells right. Tastes like chutney. Funky chutney. I don’t think that would see in any grocery store in America “Funky Chutney”. Right? That’s a no go name for a food. Who knows what ‘funky’ could mean in any food, but, in chutney, it’s a-whole-nother ball game of weird. ‘Funky’ potato chips you’re probably cool with. I’ve had ‘voodoo’ potato chips and I didn’t like them, but I didn’t think twice about trying them. I’d try ‘funky’ potato chips. ‘Funky’ chutney? N. O. Nope.

CAN I JERK OFF TO SOME OF DEM LEGOS ALREADY?!?!?!??!?!?!!

Short answer: Yes.

Long answer: What the fuck? This guy is married? HOW DID THIS GUY GET MARRIED BECAUSE OF THIS BLOG?! IT’S INSANE. Ok.

Should I start this post over? Probz.

Ummm… Ok.

There’s this thing called a LEGO and there’s this guy named Thor.

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Yeah, that guy! And that thing!

I completely forgot what I titled this post and had to scroll back up to see if I ever mentioned Thor and I DID NOT.

So, I was surfing the world wide webz as I do the Dew, my dude, and I found an article that was talking about the LEGOS for the upcoming Thor movie entitled “Thor: Ragnarok”. And I was mildly interested. Interested enough that I clicked on the article, which barely required any action by me at all.

http://www.comingsoon.net/movies/news/854175-thor-ragnarok-legos-show-old-faces-new-creatures#/slide/1

Wait, have you see the trailer for the movie? I legitimately hated the first “Thor” movie. I believe I have a fairly popular post on this site called “Thor Sucked” or “Thor Sucks” or something. And in that post, I talk about how there’s a scene in the movie – A REAL SCENE THAT I DID NOT MAKE UP IN MY WEIRDO MIND – where a bunch of hillbilly “build the wall” types find a crater in the Arizona desert and there’s Thor’s hammer sticking out of the ground like a reference to “Sword in the Stone” and these idiots try with everything they have to remove that hammer from the ground including attaching chains to the hammer and then attaching those same chains to their pick-up trucks and then trying to drive in the opposite direction of the hammer, but they don’t even budge the hammer an inch, so they give up and head to their local diner to lick their wounds and Thor happens to be there eating pancakes or something and a waitress asks the pick-up truck people why they’re so dirty and then they say that they’ve spent all morning trying to wrestle a SATELLITE out of some crater and that’s when Thor’s ears prick up – is it prick up, pick up, what am I trying to say – because he knows that SATELLITE means his HAMMER. AND THAT’S A SCENE IN A MARVEL MOVIE DIRECTED BY KENNETH BRANAGH, WHICH MEANS THAT EVERYONE MENTIONED IN THIS SENTENCE AND THE LAST SEVERAL SENTENCES ALL THINK THAT SATELLITES AND HAMMERS ARE SIMILAR ENOUGH TO BE EASILY CONFUSED WITH ONE ANOTHER. Marvel is dumb. Anyway!

There’s a new Thor movie coming out, the third of the series, and it’s directed by a cool hombre named Taika Waititi who directed one of the funniest fucking movies called “What We Do in the Shadows” and also directed a movie that I haven’t seen yet that’s supposed to be great “The Hunt for the Wilderpeople”. So, I clicked on the article. I clicked it and it showed me some of these LEGOs for the movie.

Of course, there’s the one I posted before, but it’s been a bit, so I’ll post it again.

the_ultimate_battle_for_asgard_lego_4_embed.jpg

That’s Thor.

Now, I had ulterior motives when I started writing about this post, but that’s changed a little bit now that I’ve seen this picture blown up to this size. I hope it’s a big image for you all because I’m seeing it as a big image and all I’m seeing is Thor’s big ass dick trying to bust a hole in those gun metal pants of his. OOOOOOOH YEAH! Like the “Macho” Man Randy Savage! OOOOOH YEAH!!!

I was going to write about how the two female figures were real horn makers and how LEGOs decided not to make the male figures sexy at all and how I felt that was a bit sexist, but, now, I’m realizing that they got good and detailed on Thor’s sex bomb, am I right?

I SEE A HAMMER IN DEM PANTS.

I’d like to see those dumbass Trump supporters hitch their chains (their own dicks) to Thor’s crotch satellite…

I legit could not tell you what is happening with Thor’s shirt. It looks like he’s wearing a Transformer’s head as his torso. Like a fucking Dino Bot’s cabeza is his chest and Thor’s arms and head just come out of that. A little too complicated for its own good.

But for sure, I can tell you what’s happening with that mean ole’ john don dong in Thor’s pants. LOOK AT THAT BULGE. Is that 3D? It’s such a big ass front tail dingle dangle willy wonka pecker wrecker Shreker penis that I can’t believe I didn’t see it in the small picture I saw before in the article’s slideshow. Maybe it was just such a gnarly girthy grunty grumbly gherkin dick that my brain knew it couldn’t handle it, so it wouldn’t let my eyes see it like I was one of those robots in Westworld who can’t see what they aren’t programmed to see even if it is right in front of them.

DAT DA DIG DASS DICK, DHOR.

Man. Wow. This is blowing my mind. Huh.

Did they sex up Loki too? I don’t even know. I saw these pictures in that slideshow on ComingSoon’s garbage ass small ass slideshow and I immediately noticed one thing with the female characters, which I guess makes me the total perv that we all know and love, but I didn’t notice the Thor cock, so now I’m really curious if they did something to Loki and I missed it.

Should we take bets on this? Give yourself the opportunity to say YES or NO in your head before we go forward.

My bet? No. I think they only did this for Thor. More so, I think they would only do this for Thor.

Thor’s the beefcake. He’s got the muscles. He’s got the facial hair. He’s the one that’s got to be the uber male with the big genital… ia. So, he’s got the horse dick. The big ole’ hunky horse dick in his pants waiting for us.

Whereas, Loki. Loki is the femme. He’s this angular, quasi-androgynous sexual character. He’s got the gloomy, pouty, the dark, and, with that, he doesn’t need the chumba wumba galore in his pantaloons. There’s all this other stuff going on with Loki. Honestly, he can make multiples of himself, so he could have two dicks, eight dicks, a hundred average decent dicks. And all of those dicks have the emotional games that will your dickies and clitties off. You know? That’s how this goes. We got beefcake and we got lithe mind fuck. Classic male sexual fantasy categories.

So, I’m saying there’s no bazooka bulge.

LET’S FIND OUT TOGETHER!!!!!thor_vs-_hulk_arena_clash_lego_1_embed.jpg

FUCK YEAH, I WAS MOTHERFUCKING CORRECTO!!!!!

I mean the dude’s got cheekbones for motherfucking days and a taint licking smile for days and he’s got two big ass gold horny dicks on his head, but … but … but … they didn’t give him those crotch curves to tell us that he’s packing anything other than your average schlonger.

So, I was right.

I WAS FUCKING RIGHT!

Ole’ pervert brain knows his stuff. Gold horn dicks, two of them, but no dick lines on his pants.

BAM!

Wow, I am close to 1900 words in and I haven’t even shown the picture(s) of what made me think of writing this post to begin with. Are you surprised? Well, sure. I mean this whole post is anything if not surprising. I mean I haven’t posted since the world took a nose dive into the GOP’s fiery racist red asshole and then on June 1st I come alive guns blazing with a 2000 word post about sexy LEGOs where I’m just being filthy. That’s surprising. That’s got to be a bit surprising.

Ok. Ok. OK.

Guys who like guys. You got your rocks off. Girls who like guys. You got your rocks off. But what about the oft marginalized guys who like girls category? Right? What about them? Actually, what about girls who like girls? Hmmm, good question.

Guys are creeps. Some more than others, but we’re all creeps. Girls? I don’t know. I’m a guy and have been for almost 34 years and we’re all creeps. I’ve met so many guys in my almost 34 years and they’re all creeps. I’m a creep and every single one of them are creeps. Girls? I’ve never been a girl. Starters, I’m working at a deficit knowledge wise because of that. I’ve met a lot of girls and I am still unilaterally unsure how creepy girls are in the way that guys are creeps.

For example… nude playing cards.

NUDE PLAYING CARDS!!!!!

Before you say, there are nude playing cards with dudes on them, be real who is that for? It’s got to be for more men. Dudes are such creeps. Given the opportunity to play a game of cards, whichever game that may be, there are a near countless variety of playing cards with images of nude women on the cards for men to play with. Could women play with these cards? Yeah, gay or straight they can play with them, but let’s be 100 as the kids in kindergarten say and think about who made these cards into existence knowing that it would fulfill a need and who was that need for?! ANSWER ME?!?!?!?!?!

Men. Ok. Anyway, men are creeps.

I just don’t know how the average woman who likes women objectifies other women in her head or with her friends. I’d like to imagine it’s not too far off from how I do it, but you never know. Never assume, right? Except when you assume that Loki doesn’t have dick lines. Personally, I’d like to think the lesbian community is just imagining squeezing boobs and slapping butts just like me, but who knows. So many mysteries in this universe left for me to understand.

You ready to see a SEX BOMB?

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OH HELL YEAH!!!!

Look at them glowing terts! WOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Like fucking Ric Flair!!! WOOOOO!!!

More so, look at those womenly curves that the LEGOs perverts drew on that trapezoid. Gets me so horny. Look at them hips they felt the expressed need to illustrate, so we’re all like yeah give me some of dat. I mean it’s not like we couldn’t differentiate this character from the other characters with the ten black horn dicks coming off its head, so thank jizzin’ Jesus that we got that hourglass shape etched in there for me to be sure this is the female figure I’m supposed to fellate myself over.

Oh man, I’m just dying to get a honk or eight on those radioactive buzongas. Bet they make your hands glow! Catch me red-handed? Catch me green-handed as yeah I’ve been given 10 horn dick head a chest massage like you wouldn’t believe.

And maybe I’m just looking into this too much, but is that a vagina on her torso? At least an allusion to one. Meet me halfway on this vagina chest on this LEGO.

10 DICK GOT DEM HIPS!!!

You think she got a radioactive butt too? YOU THINK SHE GOT A RADIOACTIVE BUTT TOO?!!!?!?!? Yeah, you do! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, radioactive butt. Glowing green! Spanking that glowing booty.

It’s really just nice of LEGO to put in the boobs and hips and the womanly shape that we all can’t get enough of on these little figures because it just makes my job easier. What job? The handjob that I’m giving myself looking at these sexy ass LEGOs. OH YEAH!!!! OH YEAH!!! LIKE FUCKING “ENTOURAGE”!!!!! OH YEAH!!!!

2500 words?!!?!?!?!!?!? Oh my Lord, Yahweh.

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This angle makes it tough to tell, but the blue Power Ranger here has got some big ole’ TERTS too! OH YEAH!!!

WOOOOOOOO!!! Damn this LEGO is fine! Look at them. What are they? Full C cups? D cups? Double double dub-ya bee cups?! God bless them LEGO boobs. And, of course, she got that shorty waist too. Oh hell yeah. She got that waist game on point. Hell yeah, what size do you think? What’s Valkryie’s dress size? Like a 4, which is like a 14 at H&M apparently according to some articles I have clicked on about the weird mental and societal oppression that is women’s dress sizes that seems to be absolutely arbitrary. Oh yeah. Getting back to that uncircumcised Brit’s language – this LEGO be fit AF. AM I RIGHT?!?!??!?!?!!??!!?

Damn. But, LEGO, I got one question…

WHERE DAT CAMEL-TOE AT?!?!?!?!?!

Huh. Man. You gonna start a race and not finish it? Would’ve been nice to see a camel-toe on this one. Spice it up.

Anyway, sex bomb.

I love you.

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