Hey

Yeah, just read that in like the most kind of even-keel ‘hey’ voice you can think of. Like a voice that says, ‘Let’s pretend there hasn’t been like six months of silence between us and maybe six months of silence before that and yeah I know that at one time we were all each other could think about for years and we loved each other we really did and in the cruel dark isolating world our relationship back in those days was a warm blanket that got us through those lonely hours days weeks months years and honestly it’s super fucked up how the world has gotten and it’s super fucked up how we’re not giving each other those daily hug loves and maybe just maybe we need those hug loves more than ever but maybe just maybe the strength that we have now to carry on through the current shit fuckery is from our time spent together during summery-ier times and our residual heat keeps the winter that has been kicking us in our crotches all 2016 and 2017 at bay from giving us that forever frostbite of the taint so hey.’

For realz though, keep your crotches warm and keep love in your heart and hey.

End of post. Goodbye,

Kay-swidge-izzle

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WAIT!!! I completely forgot to write the whole post that I was about to write out of the fucking blue of this Russia scandal tax fuck shit fuck dick flashing fuck pantsless fuck shit fuck what the fuck c’mon not this fuck and that fuck and give me a fucking minute fuck of a fucking world FUCK! What?

I love you.

Onto the post…

I bought a house 4 years ago. I bought a rower shortly after that. I’m what some would call a giant overweight humanoid. And I’ve never been underweight or on weight, but I have played plenty of sports in my day and have worked out in gyms and one time I lost almost 60 pounds over the course of like a year and a half by changing some horribly horrible eating habits and, even more importantly, using an elliptical almost every day for a sweaty sweaty sweaty hour a day. That was right after college. So, my age helped with that. Now, I’m a cool decade and some removed from those days and I got a rower because I never used one before and thought it would be an interesting workout.

Anyway, I used it some. Then I didn’t use it for more than some. Then I used it some again. Then I didn’t use it for like a year and a half. So, there was that. And then I got a physical done a few months ago and not that I didn’t know I was overweight, but there was the flabby evidence right there. Also, my wife and I had a traumatic as fuck year this year as our beloved dog, Coco, dealt with brain cancer and, eventually, the inevitable happened and she passed. I spent pretty much all my waking hours with Coco and almost all of my exercise came from walking her. So, I’ve got this absolutely crushing amount of grief I feel every millisecond of the day then I have this other feeling where I have to take an active part in not dying so my wife won’t have to deal with that and in a way I feel like I need to be better on this planet because of the love Coco gave me, so one thing I’ve done is get my small and out of shape butt onto that stupid rower.

I’ve been using the rower quite a bit and I listen to music when I do it and I need music that keep me jazzed up so that I keep rowing for the 40+ minutes I’m doing it.

I’ll listen to Metallica’s first three albums, I’ll listen to really any Kanye West album, I’ll listen to Migos, I’ll listen to Fugazi, I’ll listen to some things. Recently, I’ve started making Spotify playlists. The first was like 20 some odd rap songs. The second was 90s rock songs. The third was pop punk songs.

I still love Blink 182. Yep. Whatever. Judge away.

I love Blink 182, MxPx, Saves the Day, New Found Glory, Alkaline Trio, Lagwagon, Say Anything, Face to Face, No Use for a Name, Strung Out, Taking Back Sunday, and on and on.

I don’t love every album and if any of these bands are still together then I haven’t heard a thing from them since like 2004 or so at the latest. Like I know Blink 182 is still together. I loved everything up to and including ‘Enema of the State’. I know I got that self-titled album they did and I think I remember digging a song off of that that was super emo and I just looked up when that came out and that is 2003 and with that I just saw that they had another album called ‘Take Off Your Pants and Jacket’ which I completely forgot existed and I cannot remember any of the songs off of it except for ‘Stay Together for the Kids’, but I don’t really remember that album. Anyway!!!!

I loved New Found Glory’s first two albums before I was legally able to drink and I still think those albums are rad now.

And with that all being said that I still think all the guitar riffs are fun and the clean vocals make you want to sing-a-long and the whole package is as catchy to me now as it was then…

IT’D BE COOLER IF IT WERE GAY!

Well, it would be.

It wouldn’t be difficult either.

All these songs are dudes crooning about some chick they’re into or are trying to get themselves into* or they wronged or wronged them. With a quick switcheroo of some pro nouns and they’d be gay fucking anthems. Or fucking gay anthems. Or gay anthems, fucking!

Ok…

When I was in high school and even into college, these songs fucking worked for me. They worked for me and millions of other straight boys. Not to say they only work for the completely intended audience they are written by and performed by because of course girls loved these songs just as much as boys. But these songs were straight males singing about being straight males and that’s obviously a direct line to the straight males out there that the shit you’re feeling about being a straight male has a network out there of others going through the same shit and it’s not weird, it’s fucking life.

And these are still great fucking songs for dealing with that shit and they can and are and should be for everybody. And I think someone should just re-record these songs with minor adjustments and then they could be that obvious voice speaking to a completely different group than they were before.

For gay guys, just change “she” or “girl” to “he” or “boy”. A male voice or band singing could sing these almost exact same songs with those swapperoos and like I said before gay anthems.

Getting a bunch of ladies to sing the songs with those changes and you got the same thing for straight ladies or leave them to the she stuff that is already in it and you have songs for another gay audience.

I will say that these songs are written by dudes, so they are dude-y, so maybe this works best from straight guys to gay guys. From my perspective, it seems like a 1:1 on that. Let’s get into some examples…

“TOUCHDOWN BOY” by BLINK 182

This is a song 1995 from Blink’s first album “Cheshire Cat”, which is about a jock in high school who is having lots of s-e-x. Here are the lyrics…

There’s this one guy
There’s no one like him
In all the world
‘Cause you can always see
Those girls down on there knees
In those dark sweaty rooms
Planning out his thoughts
He’s waiting for just the right
One by one as they
Walk right through
The door, they
Keep on coming back I
Guess they just want more
He has fun, fun, fun as you
Might call him a whore, but
Just look where he’s at ’cause
He is the one that scores
I saw my friend there
Out on the field today
I asked him where
He’s going, he said
“All the way” now
One by one as they
Walk right through
The door, they
Keep on coming back I
Guess they just want more
He has fun, fun, fun as you
Might call him a whore, but
Just look where he’s at ’cause
He is the one that scores
Go
Legit change “girls” to “boys” that are down are their knees and we got one forward thinking song about a high school football hero who is out and proud and fucking and it’s consensual. ALSO, as a person who has listened to this song a billion times since I was 12 years old when it was released, it would help really solidify a section of the song that isn’t mentioned in those lyrics. In the song, there’s kind of a skit where you hear two football commentators talking about how he’s scoring another touchdown and they make the joke about a tight end and a wide receiver making it sound like they’re talking about butt fucking him, which is something right, but wouldn’t they be even better if the song was about an openly gay high school football player? Like fuck yeah, this guy gives and receives it too, right?
“CHICK MAGNET” by MXPX
https://youtu.be/HQk2QeqM-jI
Man, I don’t fucking get wordpress at all. I just copy and pasted a youtube link before and it is working and now I copy and paste this and it is acting completely different. Anyway…
This song is from 1996 and it is about some heartthrob and it can be changed pretty easily to be a great song for guys who like other guys. I’ll just make the changes on this one and suffice to say it is most pro noun changes and the biggest change is the title of the song going from ‘Chick Magnet’ to the obvious and easily switchable ‘Dick Magnet’.
Well he’s a dick magnet if ya know what I mean 
The way the fellas just go to him 
Well ya should’ve seen 
the guy yeah he’s got style and it’s plain to see 
Smooth shoes and cool tattoos 
Hair pomped as tight as can be 
He ain’t got a boyfriend 
No one to sing this song to 
He’s gotta settle down 
If he meets that special boy soon 
He knows just what to do 
When it comes to the boys 
He writes them poetry 
And he picks them flowers 
He knows just what to say 
When it comes to the fellas 
Knows how to make a boy smile 
How to drive a boy crazy
Those are my suggestions and I think they fucking work to begin with, but I’m open to suggestion with going from ‘girlies’ and ‘ladies’ to ‘fellas’. That was my first draft on that. I’m also open to suggestion about all the ‘boy’ instead of ‘girl’ or whatever. You could throw in ‘guy’ for all of them as well, if you want.
But fucking changing fucking ‘chick magnet’ to fucking ‘dick magnet’ is fucking great. I saw MxPx, ummmm… yeah, I know it means Magnified Plaid because I too was a virgin in high school so cool your jets, a couple of times in concert and people fucking sang the fuck out of this song and would yelling CHICK MAGNET and I guarantee they would also have loved yelling ‘DICK MAGNET’ as well as a whole new generation of gay men would love yelling it too. Why wouldn’t you love singing ‘Dick Magnet’ at the Warped Tour? I mean this might be what saves the fucking Warped Tour getting all the gay guys of the world into the pop punk songs of the 90’s and early 2000’s. Stranger shit happens.
Just experiment. Just try it out. Do what you want. You know? Taking Back Sunday. Listen to a couple of their jams and you’ll see. Make all the girls into boys and boom you’ve got some sick ass harmonies singing about some progressive love.
Ok. Thanks. I love you. Hug loves to all.
xxxoooxxxoxoxoxoooxoooooooooooooooooo… I’m more comfortable hugging than kissing and I’m not even that comfortable at that… but you get me… ok… xooo
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