The question – who is Kristen Stewart?

There are several scenarios that can be elicited from the above query. There are in fact three possible scenarios, one impossible scenario and one correct scenario.

Possible Scenario 1:

Who is Kristen Stewart?

Answer: AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! OOOOOHHHHH MMMMYYY GOOOODDDD!!!!! I LOVE HER!!!!!!! AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I LOVE TWILIGHT!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! (followed by a high pitch squeal that only dogs can hear)

If this is your response then you are a 14 year old girl or you may be a woman of any age or a gay man of any age who has the same taste and verbal expression capabilities of a 14 year old girl.

Possible Scenario 2:

Who is Kristen Stewart?

Answer: She’s from Twilight, right?

You may be of any age, sex, race, religion to respond in this way. Presumably you have not seen Twilight or if you have then you are not of a child-like mindset to have gone batshit insane for it. You are of a sound critical mind and have a relatively well-versed memory.

Possible Scenario 3:

Who is Kristen Stewart?

Answer: No idea.

You may be of any age, sex, race, religion to respond this way. You may be living under a rock pop-culturally speaking because you should have heard of this chick by now. There is virtually no excuse for not being able to answer “who is Kristen Stewart”. Her face adorns magazine covers, her name is whispered and screamed by children all over the world, she is a mist that hangs in wait for the Twilight sequel that is coming out later this year. There is a follow-up question scenario that may help you out of this entirely embarrassing situation:

Did you see Into the Wild? Do you remember the “Slab City” section?

Answer: Oh right, that chick. She was cute and she wanted it from Emile Hirsch.

Correct answer. She was “cute” and she indeed “wanted it” from Emile Hirsch. If this was your answer then you are one step closer to realizing that Kristen Stewart wants it and you probably have good taste in music or movies for seeing that movie. It was a solid movie and Eddie Vedder did an excellent job with the soundtrack. It really is something you should check out if you have the chance. Seriously, Netflix it. The movie isn’t phenomenal, but it is solid.

Impossible Scenario:

Who is Kristen Stewart?

Answer: She was in Adventureland, right?

This will never happen. No one saw Adventureland. We are fairly confident that no one single human being saw Adventureland neither in theaters nor on DVD. If by whatever chance someone did see Adventureland, they would not dare mention for fear of being stoned to death by any and all people near by.

And, finally…

Correct Scenario:

Who is Kristen Stewart?

Answer: That’s the chick who wants it.

Bingo. Winner winner chicken dinner.


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51 Responses to “Who is Kristen Stewart?”

  1. Caitlin said

    what does she want?
    im confused haha !??!
    please answer

  2. aneira said

    she wants IT.
    nuff’ said.

  3. @KStew411 said

    I have seen Adventureland. Em Lewin totally wanted it. *ducking and covering*

  4. Caitlin said

    ah but what is IT?

  5. Mike said

    IT’s written all over her face. Can’t you read her face? Look at her face. It (her face, not IT) is screaming, “I totally want it. Really. Want IT really bad.”

  6. Pau said

    I still don’t get what the IT means. I’ve been looking at her face, but IT in each face can be a million different things.

  7. Mike said

    Then maybe you are looking at the wrong website, friend. You’re either born with it or not, and by it, I mean the innate ability to know IT when you see it. Also, what the hell are those weird squares next to our names? They look like Rainbow Brite’s flag or something.

  8. Leigh Anne said

    I love you.
    Will you marry me?

  9. Janetrigs said

    I love you a lot and have let all my TMZ friends know that Kstew WANTS IT! Why, cause she really really does!

  10. tiffany said

    best blog I’ve come across in a while. She totally wants it. Like all the time. Makes me want to want it.

  11. Stacie said

    ‘Member Panic Room? Even when she was 12 she wanted IT. And Zahara? She wanted IT from her brother!

  12. aneira said

    no. nobody wanted anything from their brother. ew.

    no doubt ks wanted it through out the film, i have total confidence in her (for i have not seen that particular film in which you have addressed), but what she did not want was IT from her brother. if she wanted it while looking at her brother,which i wouldnt doubt because she wants it always, it was in fact the air and dust particles that floated around him. not her actual blood relative (in the movie). so no, no, im sorry. it was indeed nitrogen and oxygen atoms that wer calling her want this time.

  13. hermes said

    Does she want it if she’s on the rag?
    cuz frankly, she looks like she’s on the rag all the time.

  14. cledbo said

    this site has made my life.
    while this probably means my life is average, I am also in complete agreeance that kstew is clearly all about wanting, all the time.

    while it appears possible to know that she wants it, all the time (thereby violating the superposition principle of quantum physics, as you previously discussed), would it in fact be possible to measure both the position and velocity of her want at a given time? or by watching her want, can we only know where OR how badly she is wanting? *strokes imaginary beard thoughtfully*
    Heisenberg would have wanted to know. Possibly.

  15. Caitlin said

    is IT a thing you can actually get physically or is it just a feeling/look/emotionalyy thingo? lol

  16. Leigh Anne said

    Dear Awesome Guy Who Writes About KS’s Want,

    I’m sorry we’ve gotten a bit crazy all up in here. I’m being completely serious. I apologize that haters are hating (but that’s a surefire sign that you’ve arrived!) and all that stuff. Please don’t hate us for us.

    Leigh Anne
    p.s. I still want to marry you. My husband is OK with an intraweb marriage.

  17. Tiago said

    ok, i’m surprised to see that no one as of yet mentioned that although it is painfully obvious that she wants it REAL BAD, the name of the one person who actually knows what she wants is being ignored. Is it on purpose?
    I don’t know. Only The Great Jordan can answer that question.
    But i’m going out on a limb here and just say it: Rob Pattinson knows what she wants!
    And he’s never going to say it! Actually i’m sure that Rob Pattinson hasn’t even told HER what is it that she really wants!
    Why you might ask?
    Because that way he’ll just be continually enjoying her want! Indefinetelly! (i don’t know if that’s spelled right :P)
    And she’ll always be with him at King Of Leon concerts because it drives her insane that he knows she wants it so bad and she doesn’t even know what the hell is it that she wants!!

    Get it?

    He knows!!

    That’s all i’m sayin.

  18. Tiago said


    Why do you think Rob Pattinson has that hair? Do you think it just sprouts out of his scalpe like that?
    Do you think any kind of hair gel could produce such idiosyncratic and disturbing looking shapes like that?
    Do you think he just electrocutes himself everyday for kicks?

    No. It’s the knowledge. The fact that he knows just screws him. And it manifests itself in that way.

    If he weren’t happily riding “Kristen Stewart’s Want Bandwagon” as he currently is, i’d actually feel sorry the guy.

  19. stephanie said

    i can feel her WANT all the way from the Philippines. that girls WANTS IT!

  20. lizmish said


  21. Rogue said

    Ha!ha! For those who are not (partly) educated about the art of Wantness, then more than likey you’ll just associate the want as the one mentioned above, but NO, the Want is not just that. At first, that would be the right guess, but Kristen’s Want is way more. It’s actually enlightening and appealing. As I follow this blog, I became more aware and actually started seeing actors in a different way (especially their pics! , thanks Jorday). what can I say; just looking at the image can give you a glimpse of ones soul, especially his/her wants, and Kristen definitely wants it. But if you’re horny as hell, or just plainly looking at the surface without prior knowledge of wantness, then you’ll just associate it to sex. but it’s way more my friends, its way more…….

  22. CTB said

    Does she want IT because she doesn’t have it or does she want IT because she has IT and, therefore, keeps wanting IT? Just wondering…

  23. Railey said

    This is how I spend my friday night……reading about KS wanting IT. I want IT too……

  24. Jessica T said

    I love this blog – Jordan you are now my new hero, please never stop writing as if you do I fear I might never laugh this much again

  25. panicleap said

    you could throw stuff in KS’s mouth all day; candy, popcorn, paper clips, leather buttons; and she’d STILL want IT. Or pile like a ton of potatoes on her and spin her around in a centrifuge; she’d STILL WANT IT!! she totally wants IT to the max, people.

  26. MLF said

    I have also seen adventureland.

    infact I own it on DVD. so do my friends.

    and yeah- em definitely wanted IT in that movie. kristen makes every character she ever plays want IT. I mean obviously, as long as kristen is playing the character, said character is going to want IT. It’s not like kristen can just turn off her want at random times, like when she is busy acting. no- her want is just projected into whoever she “is” at that time.

  27. :) said

    I saw Adventureland, and Em really wanted IT… all the time, and the movie is kinda long.. about 2 hours… Adventureland is great, though.
    And i love Kristen Stewart
    This blog is GREAT!

  28. She wants IT. All of IT. All the time.

    Hell, she needs IT. She also needs a laxative. The constipated look on her face, yeah it would be gone and she could want IT with a much prettier expression if she could only get whatever is stuck up her ass out.

    Yeah, she wants IT.

  29. MacGranger said

    I saw Adventureland. I watched it 4 times last week. No lie. She’s great in it.

    I agree, Kristen does WANT IT all the time.

  30. brenda said

    I think…Well I think you have taken my heart with this blog. You are very funny indeed love you’re rant about Texas

  31. Baxt said

    I stumbled across this blog by googling ‘distance between Australia and Columbus Ohio’….I’m strangely interested and horrified..not at the fact that, She indeed wants IT, but that I can already feel myself being sucked into this odd sect of KSWI. Having never seen Twilight, and only a few of her other films, I am at a loss, and can only wait anxiously to see where KSWI takes me.. By the way, The Arnold classic is a riot, nothing like driving downtown and being unable to tell men from women for that weekend. Boobs are of no help, because everyone has them.

    • amanda said

      im glad that everyone who stumbles across this blog is enlightened and now realizes just how bad kristen stewart wants it all the time.

  32. someone said

    Try googling ‘kristen stewart should leave hollywood’ (quotes not required). Yeah there’s a petition someone made saying she should leave hollywood and try something mroe suited to her apparant talents (or lack thereof), like porn lol.

  33. Walter said

    If IT is what she wants, then IT is what she’ll get…

  34. First time I saw Kristen Stewart (not counting “Panic Room,” where I thought she was a boy) was not on screen but in person, at Comic-Con, with 6,000 adolescent girls shrieking like they were seeing the Beatles every time Pattinson tried to open his mouth to speak. And Kristen was sitting next to him wanting IT so badly. I know someone who went to middle school with her. She wanted IT then. Can’t wait to see her as a stripper in “Rileys.” She really, really wants IT. And I did see “Adventureland” in a theatre.

  35. Kate said

    okay, your right, kristin stewart wants IT. she wants IT all the time. but is she ever going to get IT?

  36. Axiom said

    LOL… I think YOU all want it… but can’t have it…. and she HAS IT!!!… 🙂

  37. jessi said

    kristen is beautiful but not that great i think..what she want?she wants her mouthbreather closed i guess

  38. m said

    What’s the point of this? no one cares, especially Kristen, so leave her alone, she’s a very lovely and cute girl.

  39. Rahul said

    Nice blog 😉 Loved your rant about wordpress…

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